Day 16 and ....well

[Whollymolythathurt]

I really underestimated the mental aspect of this.  The physical stuff, as I knew would pass but my biggest fear was this mental stuff.  Like Jenny mentioned yesterday it's as if I'm completely emotionless. Playing with the kids on the floor tonight almost brought me to tears because I was not enjoying it and I SHOULD have.  I try to keep busy and not think of this...heck I played Racketball today but even that was emotionless.  I'm usually screaming & yelling at myself if I'm not hitting it well or I lose...I hardly said a word in there today.  I did get a great sweat.

Man I hope the old me gets back here.

[Whollymolythathurt]

Talking about this helps & knowing others are going through it with me is comforting.

Prior to this i was the eternal optimist and never got depressed about anything...always looked forward to things.   I see many folks on this forum had, or have issues with depression & anxiety and i never did.  This chit has really messed with me.  My heart goes out to those that suffer from chronic depression.  

Cant wait for the roller coaster ride...at least there are ups!  Either that or im on the wrong coaster....yikes.  

[tooter212]

I'm going through the same thing. I know this to shall pass but I want it to right now!!!!!! But from what the others say we will be okay and to just hang in there. The sun WILL shine again!! Praying for you

[Jenny9906]

"I guess I'm still in line waiting to get on it"
Good one! I feel this exact way...and I think the line is super long, and wrapped around 50 times. LOL!

[Whollymolythathurt]

Hey Vic, thanks.  I wished there was a "recovery" chart based on age, doc, year on...etc. LOL.  That would be awesome and would only need to be ballpark estimates...I'd be good with that.

I guess I set the expectations a bit high (no pun intended). Using 3 years and not going crazy with they hydro...never going over prescription. I guess I figured I'd get a little better each day...and no doubt have in some way shape or form.  But emotionally has been no change since day 10... Argh.  You guys mentioned the roller coaster ride...I guess I'm still in line waiting to get on it.  :-)

[VICourageous]

Sonrissa hit it very well here. Now you know from doing your homework that there are many, many receptors through out the Brain & Body that have to clear up(sorta speaking) Many, Many Chems & Transmitters that have to fire back up or balance back out..This is why we can feel OK physically but we get on a Roller ride for a while..The Brain has to take it's time to adjust back from the removal of these Stims. Even the Weak and No-motivation is hard to deal with..That one was the worse for me for almost into my Year. We are Addicts and we want it all NOW!! Not Yesterday and not Tomorrow but NOW..This is why I say give it all the Time it needs and just Surrender to the Process. I too was very confused about ALL the different stages I experienced. I was always PMing Old Timers on here becasue I did not understand..Even if the Dr said it would take a good Year or Two for my Brain to balance back, I still wanted it now..I felt as if My Brain was a whole other thing then my Body..Believe me I though of all kinds of strange things like a chip in a computer..Hahaha. The most important thing that people do not understand is that the timing on healing has a lot to do with how much you have used in a day, how many Years you used, What you used, How old you are, and your Health..A person at 50who used for a Year is going to most likely bounce back quicker then a person who is 50 and used the same drug but for 20 years..The more we used and the longer there will be more damage (sort of speaking) thus this will take longer. Just keep pushing and doing what you can do..You will be off of that Surf Board that is riding the Waves and Walking in the Sand soon.
Bless

[Kbusymom]

I hear you on the mid life crisis; I turned 45 last month :)
We definitely have to get out of our own heads sometimes, they can be dangerous places.  
Once we've been through the worst of the physical WD the real work starts.  Your emotions will come back and Sonrissa is so right about the roller coaster.  I'm still on it.  I think all we can do is accept the ups and downs, they are part of life even for non addicts.  I hear people in 12 step meetings say that acceptance is the key to all of our problems and I'm starting to believe it.
You and Jenny are doing great, hang in there.

[Whollymolythathurt]

Thanks Sonrissa and I agree time heals all wounds.  This wound is infected...LOL.  I felt better mentally earlier on although physically a mess.  I'll keep on truckin and like everyone says "fake it til ya make it".

I think too much about this I agree. Hell...this could be a mid life crises. LOL.  I turned 45 yesterday and that got me thinking even more...sheesh!

[Sonrissa]

I understand exactly how you both feel. It's difficult, to say the least. You are both still in the early stages of recovery. I call it the "Roller Coaster" phase. One day you're great, and the next day, not so much. You have gotten through the worst of the physical detox process, and you are so anxious to move on. You want to feel great and happy and full of energy. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. I know you are sick of hearing this, but time is the answer. As time goes by, things will start to level out. Gradually, you will have more good days than bad. Staying as active as possible is the best thing. Getting outside in the fresh air will help. Wholly, playing racketball is great. For right now, enjoy and celebrate the good days, and hang on and fight hard through the difficult ones. I am not a patient person, at all. That is why I loved the pills. Instant gratification! I wish recovery worked the same way, but it doesn't.

You both are doing so well! Stay strong, and keep moving forward. It will get better! Take care!

[Jenny9906]

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Today is even worse than yesterday in that aspect.  I seriously have no emotions whatsoever. It is REALLY bothering me...everyone says that their emotions come back in full force once they get clean because they have been numbed so long on the pills. Well, I feel opposite of that,  I felt way more emotional on the pills...and now I feel nothing emotionally.  I'm confused and upset by this...and just hope that my emotions come back at some point...sooner than later.