Day 2

[ImGettingClean]

Been on and off this site for a while - long story short, Crohns Disease patient and from time to time the pain gets so bad, i get admitted...only think to help the pain. When i get out, i simply message my doc and she calls in anything I need 60-90? 5MG, 7.5MG? Then the vicious cycle starts... sometimes i 'exaggerate' my pain so she give me more. History on me, been on and off pain meds for 3-4 years. I reached 80 days at some points then my crohn's kicks my *** and spiral begins again.

Well enough is enough.

I emailed my Doc today and said no matter what, do not ever give me pain meds. If my pain gets back enough, i'll go to the ER. and she was pleasantly surprised and also said she was becoming very weary of the number if pain meds I was taking - nonetheless, she's been cut off - Nothing! =) I believe this is the key to all of this. Everytime I was clean, it was always in the back of my mind, hey, just send a message, get high for a few days, etc etc etc...u all know..start off with just 20 and in 2 days, ask for more and more and more....

I sometimes go months without taking a single pill but then when the craving hits, it becomes as simple as get on my computer, send a quick message and i have 90 7.5MG Vic sitting @ the pharmacy for $5.00. this time, 2-3 weeks of 15 - 5MG Pers and when i ran out, 15-7.5MG Vic  (over a period of 10 days)

Those days are over.

I know I also need to change other habits as well - i need to start going to a therapist and find out why it is i am so self destructive.

Anyway, its day 2 - wife went to work and i'm home with my precious 3 month, beautiful baby girl. thankfully she's sleeping now, but when she gets up, it's so hard to have the energy to pick her up, change her etc.

Every time i look into those beautiful eyes of hers, i start crying because i don't want to be those fathers that lets their kids down. I hate the fact that some of the pics i have with her, i'm high on pain meds - it breaks me to pieces.

Anyway, Day 2 and hopefully, the beginning of something beautiful.

I know about Thomas Recipe, Walks, Hot Baths, Vits...anything else anyone can recommend? I also have a very small Qty of Ativan for when my anxiety gets real bad.

[catmagnet]

It sounds to me like you already know what you need to do. So follow through and stay strong. Telling your doctor not to prescribe any more pills is a huge step. Remember, you and your family are worth all the hard work that lies ahead.

[ImGettingClean]

Yes I know - even when i had the pain meds and popping them in my mouth, the guild as my 3 month old watching, smiling - i dont know if i would ever be able to get that guilt out...

but i am trying and want to be the best, clean dad i can be for her and our family (and most of all, me).

Thanks for the comment, i appreciate it.

[brice1967]

My friend, I know how you feel about not wanting to let your children down.  That is a big, big load to haul around.  Sometimes that alone can be the catalyst to a relapse.

My kids are mostly grown and the only habit I am trying to quit now (again) is nicotine.  I had the bad stuff whipped before they came around, thankfully... but I had other destructive behaviors that I had to try to work though.

It sounds like you are on the right track!  Keep in there and know that you are in this fight for all of the right reasons.  Keep looking into that baby's eyes, every single day... and be the best dad you can!  You can do this.  (And it is important to note, and you have, that you are also doing this for you!  You do owe it to you and the rewards are well worth the time in the trenches fighting!)

[ImGettingClean]

Thank you botth so much - I really appreciate it. shes in her little swinger right now as i type and i cant help but to just cry as i type this because she deserves so much better...she's so innocent and relies on us parents to paive the way for them. I drove a 5 hour drive the other day popping pills as i drove, with them in the car. i know for some, you may want to kill me for doing that but i just have to be honest as to what it has gotten to. THAT IS SO FU ___ ING SELFISH OF ME!!! we could've died!!!!! i cant stop crying right now...

i am so disappointed in myself - i keep hurting my wife and baby and being so incredibly selfish.

[dede2121]

I know about the baby thing. I have a 10 month old grandson and it breaks my heart that I have been on pills his whole life. Up until 2 weeks ago..I would make up excuses as to why I couldn't watch him. And he is so attached to me .

[ImGettingClean]

yes - sometimes when i am 'high' my wife asks me to give her a bath and i say, i can't feeling dizzy = she knows about my pain meds and just washes the baby on her own sometime. It breaks my heart and instead of stopping, i take more out of guilt.

I'm DONE. i'm here w her now, just the two of us, changed her poopy diaper, got a big smile and altough through day 2 of WDs still felt better than when i was high...feels real and not foggy.

thank u all for the post/comments, each one of them mean so much to me.

[buncogirl003]

You seem prepared and ready to go!!  Ativan will definitely help with the anxiety!

I also went to Whole Foods and picked up natural and homeopathic things that helped ME...not for everyone but I liked NOT putting meds from doctors in my body anymore than I absolutely have to then and NOW!!

I use "Rescue Remedy" for anxiety"Hylands  #6 Kali Phos 6x for Stress...tension and headaches.  This brand has a great line for different issues~!  Again...this helped me....may not help or be good for everyone!

I went CT without a doctors help and YES I did do it.......I think if you have a good relationship with a doctor they can really help!  The doctor that prescribed 6 plus vicoden a day did not understand WHY I wanted to stop taking them!!  But my primary carr was with me thru it all and very compassionate...understand and helpful

So...good luck......stay strong...focused and positive!!! Keep looking in your child's eyes!!!  You can do this!

Post often.....it really helps!!
Laurie

[dede2121]

Day 2 was always the worst day for me as far as wds. By day 3 I was starting to feel somewhat better. Not great by far but better. Hang in there . Everytime a pill crosses your mind just look at that precious daughter who depends on you. thank god gee is my grandson cause when I got really tired and couldn't sit with him I took him home to mommie. Lol.

[ImGettingClean]

Thanks, i will definitely check it out, thank you!

[ImGettingClean]

Yeah, unfortunately, wife is out so no one to hand her to...

Maybe she knows i'm not doing good, so she hasnt been too fussy and pretty much sleeping since momy left. love her so much - soo soo much.

[dede2121]

That's the good thing about being a grandma, you cant return them home. Lol. Lucky for you at that age they sleep alot.

[ImGettingClean]

LOL - i'm counting down the minutes until her mommy comes home =))

[dede2121]

Meant to say u CAN return them home

[kyle505]

Boy - you took the wind out of my sail...Telling your doc and cutting sources is the first thing that I suggest when offering advice. I've got some very pointed response to that suggestion. So you go and do it, first thing; what do I have to preach about now!!  Seriously, great job. That is always the hardest thing to do because it makes it harder to get meds in the future, and most of us don't like that.
The only thing that I can suggest is to keep your body nourished; eat lots of health food; get some exercise. You will experience withdrawal, and so you have to have fuel in your system to get through it. If you can't eat try drinking Ensure. Good luck.

[ImGettingClean]

Thanks Kyle - in the past, I did everything by the book when quitting but never told me doc how serious the issue was. So, no
More meds from her - I have a couple
Other docs (GI docs) but they never prescribe pain meds, always say ask ure
Primary care - so I closed all ties.

I remember sometimes , 5-10 days into being clean, my mind kept racing "c'mon, one message, treat ure self - one bottle and that's it" and we all
Know where that leads

So, I won't have that Annoying voice anymore - hopefully this will be my saving grace.

Nick

[kyle505]

Nick -
Your voice pushed for one bottle, mine for just one more pill. But it was the same message. And you may still experience the temptation; I do. However, you've put up the necessary roadblocks preventing you from easy access. There will be times in the future when you'll be presented with unexpected, out of the blue situations...finding a pill when cleaning out your car, visiting a friend who's had surgery, etc. Those are the times that really test us, and define us.
Great job. keep posting.

[ImGettingClean]

Thanks Kyle,

Your last sentence hit home because I know one day down the road it will come up..it has before and i failed. but right now, i'm just going to worry about today, get clean and deal with that when the time comes...Thanks for the advice. I appreciate everyone's response - it had helped me get through the day

[Sonrissa]

Hi there, and great job telling your doctor that you've quit! That is really one of the most difficult parts! You have a great attitude! You sound like a wonderful daddy! I haven't read all of the replies, but, if you haven't picked up Immodium, you should! It will really help with stomach, bathroom, and other withdrawal issues! For me, Immodium, and staying hydrated was the key! Also, keep moving! Taking care of the little one will definately help with that! Good luck and take care! I wish you all the best! Keep posting for advice and support!

[ImGettingClean]

Thanks! been on 2 LONGGG walks with her today - SoCal weather is very nice this time of year, so we took advantage of that. Probably drank 5-6 vitamin waters - wife is home now, thank God - so, i can go an just Veg out and clear my mind. Overall, not the worst day in the world - got to spend it with my beautiful baby girl = just wish i wasnt going through WDs. Also taking the Immodium, thanks!

[dede2121]

I bet u will feel somewhat better tomorrow.

[weaver71]

It seems like you're on the right track. Glad to see you coming back to post throughout the day. This is such a small part of the rest of your life. I wish I had gotten clean when my kids where so small. You are a great guy and will never regret what you are going through right now. I look forward to you sharing how fun it is to be with your family clean and sober. Good luck on this great decision.

[ImGettingClean]

Thank you both - just got up- around 6:45am - slept pretty good surprisingly ... Let's see what today brings - just going to take it for what it is :)

[taliwagger]

A huge congratulations to you and your bravery. I wish you all the bery best!