You would think after listening to me for six months about my addiction and how I would love to be clean, one of you experts out there would tell me I am full of bullchit and I need to get to rehab before I kill myself with drugs.
But no, I just continue to lie and you continue to support and love me and listen to the bullchit.
I am doomed to addiction. I can't do a damn thing without the pills and I panic, spend TONS of money and I am going round and round. Just like a broken record, here I am again, telling you how sad I am, and how much it sucks to be me.
I know many of you have said it. GET SOME FREAKIN HELP GIRL!! I know I need tough love, and you are telling the truth. Funny how we weed out those who have us all figured out, and stick with those that will listen to all my lies.
NO OFFENSE INTENDED TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER WRITTEN ME A WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT...DON'T GET ME WRONG....YOU SAVED MY LIFE ALREADY...but man, who am I kidding anymore???
It is pitiful to keep coming here, not changing or trying to change. I am not helping anyone else by my actions and can't find the balls to try to GIVE advice that I can't take.
Well, glad I got that off my chest. Being mad at all of you certainly helps my problems...you know I really have mad a mess of my friendships here, and it is because of my self chosen isolation and choosing drugs over living and communicating. I have put myself first and those of you who support me most...well I have let you believe I am wonderful, and I am not.
I am still the old me, the same one who arrived here in tears six months ago pleading for help. I see a pattern of behavior in MY LIFE in this tiny forum of "LIFE". This is how I act and treat ppl because I choose drugs. Sorry I have been out of communicato angels, you are worried and I don't even give a damn do I?? I will come a crawling some day when I am out of drugs, money, and any self esteem and cry on your shoulder once again. You should kick me to the curb and tell me to get help. But then again, you know as well as I do that it isn't going to happen. I NEVER admit and I NEVER tell. Craziness is my middle name, and I strive for nothing more than my next fix. God the truth hurts. And the "it's all about me" hurts too. YOU HAVE ALL BEEN MORE DESERVING OF A GOOD FRIEND THAN ONE THAT TREATS YOU SECOND, well, treats EVERYTHING second to drugs.
I'll be home today. Will check e-mail too, almost hoping there isn't one letter interested in me or my wellbeing, wishing you would all forget about me and give up. It makes it harder to be an addict when I make friendships and start loving ppl. I do love you guys, all of you. I can't ignore the impact of these friendships...I thought it wouldn't hurt you or me to leave and quit the conversations. Thing is, it does hurt me, I do think of you all, and I wonder if I could be helping in your life, too. I want to remain on on the forum for help. Just feel like I can't walk away...there is something...some LOVE that is tapping at my heart...I hear you. I am ignoring your advice, but I HEAR YOU...in my heart.
Peace everyone. I'll be on. Let's talk if you want to angels and forum friends.