Guilt, shame, sadness & no energy

[Nursey7]

I have had a rough couple days since getting released from my hospitalization on Thursday evening. I am trying to do the 90 meetings in 90 days. I went to church this morning. I did go a hike for a couple hours yesterday with my dogs, husband and daughter. It's been 12 since Roxy use and 9 days since my OD on Ativan and alcohol as I had mentioned in a previous post. I was doing a lot better while I was in the hospital. I guess that's probably to with the stringent program. When that bell rang it was like Pavlov's dog. It was vital signs, meds, group, AA, etc. from 7am to 10pm. I am having a hard time focusing on what the heck I need to do first. I have had some long talks with my husband, who wasn't going to let me come home, but did. I have so much guilt and shame that it's unbearable at times. I return to work tomorrow where I haven't been in 12 days!  I was actually hospitalized for depression and then once learning about my addiction transferred me to the drug rehab unit. I haven't told my employer really anything yet. Being a nurse I don't plan to tell them about the addiction part of it rather only the "believed" attempted suicide. I don't handle drugs on a daily basis but do get them to destroy by myself at times. I have a plan to tell one person that I honestly believe I can trust. Obviously she can't be there every day I am though. Anyway I guess I think I should be feeling better right now. I mean I am still thankful for the whole experience just scared as h*ll!!

[kyle505]

I can only echo everyone else - you are doing great. And the guilt, shame, sadness - they're all a part of the process.
And I think you did ok in the hospital because it was a foreign environment where things were done for you. Being home is a constant reminder of the things you've done, plus you are now back in the day to day grind.
As I got further in to my recovery I started looking forward to and enjoying the day to day.    
Got to say that I'm a little worried about you being exposed to meds, on your own. I know it's part of the job; just seems at some point your life, family, well being should come first.
Hang in there.
K

[Nursey7]

Thanks so much; it makes me feel good to have someone let me know I am on track!  ;-)

[ricart70]

You are doing great nursey and you are right on course so don't second guess yourself .Just continue reframing those thoughts and when you can't reframe them then just distract and repeat .You are going to make it ;)

[Nursey7]

I thank everyone for their kind and helpful words. It's so darn hard to focus on just one day. I look around this house and it's a pig sty and I just lack the energy to do it!  I decided to break it down chore wise today-did laundry and bathroom.  I went to a great NA meeting tonight; I felt really good when I left. Now I am looking forward to getting in to my nice clean sheets and blankets. I will definitely work on a schedule-great idea!  I am learning how to catch myself when the negative self-talk starts now I need to learn how to redirect the thoughts. Thanks again; I am at least hopeful TODAY ;-)

[annibelle48]

Wow! Great idea.... I was just telling my husband I don't know what to do next... In rehab every minute was mapped out with no option to deviate. I'll try your suggestion.....
To you Nursey, give yourself some time... Take one day at a time. Don't get wrapped up in dwelling on the past and don't worry about the future.... Live TODAY.... Today is all we really have. Make your ammends where possible and then SHOW your loved ones you're serious about recovery... One day at a time. I'm praying for your day back to work tomorrow. You can do it...

[meegWpaw]

hey there Nursey, just want to lend my support ... I agree with what everyone said, really liked what Ann said too, and I was thinking that although I totally understand the guilt and shame ... i mean totally ... i would try and lose those if you can.  dealing with the sadness and no energy is hard enough without bringing yourself down further!!!  im on your side and sending you good thoughts!  take care and be well <3

[VICourageous]

WOW!! I must try that myself..Just get her done..Right??

[ricart70]

Hang in there nursey !!   You can do this.   ;)
I see that you picked up on the fact that the routine at the facility made you feel better !  very insightful .  Here is what you can do but it may take a little will power . You can make your own routine for the free time you have during the day. Write down your day plan and chart it out and act as though you are on that schedule .It helps a ton too do that and even helps for depression.
Maybe you could try it .

[Brightfutureahead]

So glad you posted. It feels good to get it out. Try not to be too hard on yourself my friend. We all do crazy unspeakable things when using. The important thing is that you end it. I just mentioned in another post how I stole meds from my mom when she was sick in bed with cancer, and how I dropped a vase on my big toe in college...but just to give it an extra bruise (to help my chances of snagging meds from my dr), I hit it again with a hammer. Wth?! Who does that?! An addict I guess. So embarrassing and shameful. But...we have to recover and keep looking forward. Focus on anything and everything positive that you accomplish. Be thankful (I'm sure you are) that you and your family are alive and well, and that you have lots of time to make new memories and share your feelings with them, when the time is right. Be good to yourself and be proud of yourself.  I know it's easier said than done, but you're worth it. Recovery is a very attractive thing. Others will see you doing well. You'll make them proud and make others want to better themselves too.

Good luck at work tomorrow. I think that's a good plan- I did the same thing. When it felt right, I picked two close friends that I trusted to open up to about my addiction. They were so supportive and it was such a relief to know I could turn to them.

What do you think of the meetings? xo

[VICourageous]

I agree 100% with Ann..Please Girl this is a Good and Evil battle for sure. Do not let the Bad Guy bring you down to use again because of quilt and shame. Take it ALL as a Learning Experience and move on the best you can.
As we talked many time before, you know that for us being in this field can cause a lot of triggers. This kind of work can have its good rewards and bad.
My Dr told me to get out for good because of the stress. This is a very serious disease and sometimes, or shall I say most of the Time, we have to completely turn are life around..Make a whole new World for our selves. If this means changing careers then so be it..Your Life is so much more important..Maybe look into doing some Home Health Visits as a Nurse..Just hang on girl you will add this up and do it right sooner or later..I do send you all my best and I know it is the hardest thing we have to endure. It just takes SO much time even after the detox comes the PAWS..This is a whole other ballgame..lol
I am 10000000% behind YOU!
Bless

[Ann2497]

I worked in the human resources field for years and I agree that you should not tell your employer.  Don't risk it.

I know all too well about guilt.  Can you change the past?  No, you can't so you must move on or it will ruin your future.  I think I like that mantra.

Agonizing over the past will RUIN your future.  

Try to tell yourself that when negative thoughts pop into your head.  You just went thru a traumatic experience so you will be emotional for a little while.