Aa
Is anybody listening?
I was just going to put this in my journal but I thought better of it. I don't know how many people would read it there and I want people to read this. No, I NEED you all to read this because I am falling.
It has been 6 months for me. I had been taking Norco, Oxy, Xanax, Ambien, Cyclobenzaprine and whatever else the doctor's would order for me for years. I actually did not start abusing the Norco and Cyclo (which they claim are not addictive) until the past year or so. I believe that is right and you know, a lot of addicts laugh at me when I tell them I never took more than 6 Norco in a day. What I would fail to tell them is that I often added the Cyclo (usually one because they would simply melt me and that wasn't always the affect I was after), a Xanax and then later another Norco with that Ambien to help me sleep through it all. Some of you are still shaking your head and laughing at me. Whatever. Most of you kn ow where I am going with this...
It's been 6 months and the wd's were awful but every day I cheered for myself, telling myself I was going to get through it and be done with opiates, and drugs in general. I was going to be a Tylenol or Ibuprofen baby! That happened to a degree. I can honestly say that in 6 months I have been doing alright but the problem is, the really, major problem is, that everyone around me seems to think that now that the withdrawals are over, so is the need to be supportive. They think I'm done. They think life has gone back to the way it was before I started using and abusing. And you kn ow, in many aspects, they are right but in so many others, they are stone cold wrong.
I am not better. Not by a long shot. Being sober means I now have to face the realities of all the horrors I shoved inside that box when I used. I forgot all about the pain and misery that I was hiding from. Maybe I am lucky in that I had a pretty decent childhood and my husband must literally be one of the greatest men on the planet but unfortunately I did face the demon of sexual assault that I was not made aware of (and still have very little memory of) until I was 27. I am 43 now. The day my mother told me my husband said I went into some kind of shock and it took a doctor forcing a sedative on me to get me to stop screaming the word "Why?" over and over. Now, with sobriety, I am beginning to have flashbacks of memories. It is as if someone is shoving a polaroid of a horrific scene between a young girl and an old man in front of my face repeatedly but snatching it away before I can get a clear view.
When I try to talk to my husband about this, he isn't sure what to say. He listens to me and I can see in his eyes that he truly cares and wishes to God above that he could fix it, fix me, remove the pain. But he knows he can't. And before you start shouting at me about aftercare, don't, please. I am all about meetings and such if it works for you but they didn't for me. I felt like an outcast at the few I went to. I am seeing a therapist and he helps but the feelings still emerge and that is why I am here right now trying to save all our lives.
Addiction is an ongoing thing. You are NEVER going to be done. You may be able to get through withdrawals and feel so good and wonderful and you may be able to begin a new life with new prospects, just as I am doing right now and it is going to be so amazing and wonderful and so busy you won't have time to think about drugs or what made you want to use them in the first place. (feel free to insert booze in here, it's the same) But then there will be times like these, when it is quiet in the house and you are alone with your demons hovering unseen above you, within you and all of a sudden they POUNCE! Everything rushes in on you and you are there, alone and unprotected and it hurts and you scream and you cry and you WANT! Yes, you just need one, maybe two to take away the anguish you feel because memories are coming back to snag at your heart and mind and make you feel again. How Unfair it is and you are here all alone and it is so unfair! I just want one pill please, one drink and I'll be okay and the pain will slide off me and I'll be able to slip into oblivion. I need it. There is no one here to turn to now, no one for me to call or talk to or to hold me. I'm alone tonight and the memories and images are overpowering. You all know this feeling well don't you?
So what do you do when these feelings emerge and bombard you? Right at this moment I know how to get any drug of my choice. It would be as easy as calling my sister. Funny, she is on the very lowest rung of my support ladder. She actually finds my situation amusing. I shouldn't put that here but right now, honesty is my best friend and the only way I am going to survive this night. My misery and desire is eating at me like the nasty disease that it is and I want to cave so badly and slip away if not into total nothingness, than just into the realm of peaceful sleep. But damnit I won't!
I can't and neither can you when it gets this bad. I know I can get through the night. Every minute and hour is going to pass even if I believe it is an eternity away. It will and as it does, so the memories and urges will hopefully fade until I can close my eyes and not see demons anymore and my body gives into the exhaustion battering at it. I'll take that bath,, maybe turn on loud music (it's Friday) and wish I had someone to talk to who truly understood. My husband is asleep because he must get up at 3am but I kn ow if I cannot make it alone, he'll wake up for me but in my heart, I know he doesn't understand. He hates taking even aspirin. *smile*
This long rant/story/honest emission is put out here because I know that there are more of us out there tonight who may be 6 months, 6 years or even 6 hours into sobriety that want to give up. They want just one little pill, one single drink but I am telling you to take a slow deep breath and think clearly about everything you will be giving up in your life if you do take it. Don't shrug at me and say how you will just go through withdrawals again and again. Soon, your body won't be able to take it anymore, think about that.
Addiction is a lonely disease, no one understands your particular brand like you do. They can't. So often you will find yourself feeling as I do..friendless. I hope that in your case you can reach out and find someone who can relate even a little bit and you won't feel empty and afraid tonight. I want you to not think of using again but think about how much you are loved. Deep down I know I am loved. Deep down I know someone cares and doesn't want me to take that pill to make everything ugly fade away for as long as the high will last. It is just that right now at this very moment, I know they are others out there like me, who feel as if we don't have a friend in the world and we are fighting so hard not to take that pill. I am going to resist it and hope that you will too and that maybe you will come talk to me and we'll help each other...
It has been 6 months for me. I had been taking Norco, Oxy, Xanax, Ambien, Cyclobenzaprine and whatever else the doctor's would order for me for years. I actually did not start abusing the Norco and Cyclo (which they claim are not addictive) until the past year or so. I believe that is right and you know, a lot of addicts laugh at me when I tell them I never took more than 6 Norco in a day. What I would fail to tell them is that I often added the Cyclo (usually one because they would simply melt me and that wasn't always the affect I was after), a Xanax and then later another Norco with that Ambien to help me sleep through it all. Some of you are still shaking your head and laughing at me. Whatever. Most of you kn ow where I am going with this...
It's been 6 months and the wd's were awful but every day I cheered for myself, telling myself I was going to get through it and be done with opiates, and drugs in general. I was going to be a Tylenol or Ibuprofen baby! That happened to a degree. I can honestly say that in 6 months I have been doing alright but the problem is, the really, major problem is, that everyone around me seems to think that now that the withdrawals are over, so is the need to be supportive. They think I'm done. They think life has gone back to the way it was before I started using and abusing. And you kn ow, in many aspects, they are right but in so many others, they are stone cold wrong.
I am not better. Not by a long shot. Being sober means I now have to face the realities of all the horrors I shoved inside that box when I used. I forgot all about the pain and misery that I was hiding from. Maybe I am lucky in that I had a pretty decent childhood and my husband must literally be one of the greatest men on the planet but unfortunately I did face the demon of sexual assault that I was not made aware of (and still have very little memory of) until I was 27. I am 43 now. The day my mother told me my husband said I went into some kind of shock and it took a doctor forcing a sedative on me to get me to stop screaming the word "Why?" over and over. Now, with sobriety, I am beginning to have flashbacks of memories. It is as if someone is shoving a polaroid of a horrific scene between a young girl and an old man in front of my face repeatedly but snatching it away before I can get a clear view.
When I try to talk to my husband about this, he isn't sure what to say. He listens to me and I can see in his eyes that he truly cares and wishes to God above that he could fix it, fix me, remove the pain. But he knows he can't. And before you start shouting at me about aftercare, don't, please. I am all about meetings and such if it works for you but they didn't for me. I felt like an outcast at the few I went to. I am seeing a therapist and he helps but the feelings still emerge and that is why I am here right now trying to save all our lives.
Addiction is an ongoing thing. You are NEVER going to be done. You may be able to get through withdrawals and feel so good and wonderful and you may be able to begin a new life with new prospects, just as I am doing right now and it is going to be so amazing and wonderful and so busy you won't have time to think about drugs or what made you want to use them in the first place. (feel free to insert booze in here, it's the same) But then there will be times like these, when it is quiet in the house and you are alone with your demons hovering unseen above you, within you and all of a sudden they POUNCE! Everything rushes in on you and you are there, alone and unprotected and it hurts and you scream and you cry and you WANT! Yes, you just need one, maybe two to take away the anguish you feel because memories are coming back to snag at your heart and mind and make you feel again. How Unfair it is and you are here all alone and it is so unfair! I just want one pill please, one drink and I'll be okay and the pain will slide off me and I'll be able to slip into oblivion. I need it. There is no one here to turn to now, no one for me to call or talk to or to hold me. I'm alone tonight and the memories and images are overpowering. You all know this feeling well don't you?
So what do you do when these feelings emerge and bombard you? Right at this moment I know how to get any drug of my choice. It would be as easy as calling my sister. Funny, she is on the very lowest rung of my support ladder. She actually finds my situation amusing. I shouldn't put that here but right now, honesty is my best friend and the only way I am going to survive this night. My misery and desire is eating at me like the nasty disease that it is and I want to cave so badly and slip away if not into total nothingness, than just into the realm of peaceful sleep. But damnit I won't!
I can't and neither can you when it gets this bad. I know I can get through the night. Every minute and hour is going to pass even if I believe it is an eternity away. It will and as it does, so the memories and urges will hopefully fade until I can close my eyes and not see demons anymore and my body gives into the exhaustion battering at it. I'll take that bath,, maybe turn on loud music (it's Friday) and wish I had someone to talk to who truly understood. My husband is asleep because he must get up at 3am but I kn ow if I cannot make it alone, he'll wake up for me but in my heart, I know he doesn't understand. He hates taking even aspirin. *smile*
This long rant/story/honest emission is put out here because I know that there are more of us out there tonight who may be 6 months, 6 years or even 6 hours into sobriety that want to give up. They want just one little pill, one single drink but I am telling you to take a slow deep breath and think clearly about everything you will be giving up in your life if you do take it. Don't shrug at me and say how you will just go through withdrawals again and again. Soon, your body won't be able to take it anymore, think about that.
Addiction is a lonely disease, no one understands your particular brand like you do. They can't. So often you will find yourself feeling as I do..friendless. I hope that in your case you can reach out and find someone who can relate even a little bit and you won't feel empty and afraid tonight. I want you to not think of using again but think about how much you are loved. Deep down I know I am loved. Deep down I know someone cares and doesn't want me to take that pill to make everything ugly fade away for as long as the high will last. It is just that right now at this very moment, I know they are others out there like me, who feel as if we don't have a friend in the world and we are fighting so hard not to take that pill. I am going to resist it and hope that you will too and that maybe you will come talk to me and we'll help each other...
I know. It's really hard. Normal doesn't feel normal. I should be alright with life but I keep freaking out 'cause I'm not under the affect of anything. I just want something, anything, to make me feel better. Even though I shouldn't because I should feel fine. It's a crazy feeling.
Your post was so beautifully written and I feel exactly the way you do, thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in my thoughts. Being by myself is hard now and I am 2 months clean fron opiates. Learning to deal with my inner demons is the hardest thing I have ever done. Thank you again, it has given me peace in knowing I am not alone>
Thank you
Mag
Thank you
Mag
This is a very deep and meaningful post which I am glad that I took the time to read. In the church I grew up in, people would describe this as "speaking truth to power". What it does for me is encourage me to realizing that stopping opiates is only half the battle, the other half requires that we stare down our inner demons and learn to love ourselves as we were created.
Congrats on the 6 months, keeping doing the right thing and I wish you the best on your continued journey toward recovery and peace.
Congrats on the 6 months, keeping doing the right thing and I wish you the best on your continued journey toward recovery and peace.
Hey Storme....wow powerful stuff and a lot of us can relate ....I know I can I have had those moments of desperation where my life is crashing in all around me I not only deal with addiction but also bipolar disorder so I got several things messing with my head at times
I have had my moments where 1/2 a dozzen pills seamed like the only solution but something deeper inside me kept me from going over the edge but its a very thin line and anybody who has some clean time will tell you its not always ez....as for your ptds you need to work threw that with your conslor or therapist and btw both those count as aftercare so you are treating your disease thanks for shairing your heart all addicts should read this just to know what lyes ahead.....I hope you get past this and keep it behind you........Gnarly
I have had my moments where 1/2 a dozzen pills seamed like the only solution but something deeper inside me kept me from going over the edge but its a very thin line and anybody who has some clean time will tell you its not always ez....as for your ptds you need to work threw that with your conslor or therapist and btw both those count as aftercare so you are treating your disease thanks for shairing your heart all addicts should read this just to know what lyes ahead.....I hope you get past this and keep it behind you........Gnarly
Oh my, I know exactly what you're talking abt. I was molested in high school by a friend of the family, raped later at 18 by random friend of my best friend. I totally blocked all if this out until this first time I tried quitting. I still don't remember all of it but I remember my friend in the next room doing nothing. When I remembered this she denies it ever occuring. Anyhoo, i know of the struggles you have. A lot of my friends and family just think you've quit so time to toughen up and get over yourself. I'm learning this is sooo much more than just quitting. My dad, who's been clean 13 yrs, tells me getting clean is about discovering who you truly are. People need to understand this more. Anyhoo, congrats on your 6 mths! I can't wait to say that!
Your emotions and physical pain will simmer down. It just takes a little time as you are feeling things for the first time in a long time again. Being sober feels a bit like birth in that we have to process a lot of knew and old emotions and sensations all over again. You will do this. Every day will get easier and you are going to find the pain subsides a great deal after you have been sober awhile. I know for me it did. Pain I once thought was intolerable while I was on the medications is now easily contained with simple tylenol or just relaxing.
Don't give up on your journey. You can do this and although it may feel as if you are alone in this battle, you truly aren't.
Don't give up on your journey. You can do this and although it may feel as if you are alone in this battle, you truly aren't.
You are completely right. That's what I'm having problems with. My grandma doesn't know how much I was taking so she just keeps writing me off. But you're right, it's an on going thing. I don't know how to deal with all my once-dulled emotions and physical pain. It's really hard.
Storme~
I don't have any answers either. But,I can tell you that everything you say is correct. It's not easy. It's not rainbows and unicorns once we get sober. Life happens to us and we struggle sometimes;sometimes often!
I DO know that it's far better to face these feelings head on,recognize them,and find a way around them. We should never "stuff" our feelings. You did the right thing by posting this. We can all relate to the struggles.
I think being an addict is an enormous burden. Once we get clean,we are not "all better". We have to fight for the rest of our lives! I believe it gets better and easier with time. I believe some days will be better than others. I know that I can't rely on others to feel better/feel good. I have to go after that! Some days it's just plain hard!
But,I know that I have to fight,just like you are right now,and tomorrow will be better. I have to believe that and that is what sustains me.
It's very,very easy to slip and slide. Everyone knows...some of us have done it! All we can ever do is the absolute best we can on any given day...
Take care...I'm glad you posted this...
I don't have any answers either. But,I can tell you that everything you say is correct. It's not easy. It's not rainbows and unicorns once we get sober. Life happens to us and we struggle sometimes;sometimes often!
I DO know that it's far better to face these feelings head on,recognize them,and find a way around them. We should never "stuff" our feelings. You did the right thing by posting this. We can all relate to the struggles.
I think being an addict is an enormous burden. Once we get clean,we are not "all better". We have to fight for the rest of our lives! I believe it gets better and easier with time. I believe some days will be better than others. I know that I can't rely on others to feel better/feel good. I have to go after that! Some days it's just plain hard!
But,I know that I have to fight,just like you are right now,and tomorrow will be better. I have to believe that and that is what sustains me.
It's very,very easy to slip and slide. Everyone knows...some of us have done it! All we can ever do is the absolute best we can on any given day...
Take care...I'm glad you posted this...
Hey storm. Wow, I can commiserste.
Let me tell you what I did at 5 and a half months clean. I TOOK that pill. I've taken many more since and I have detoxed more times than I have fingers in the past 4 months.
Each time I DID relapse. It took a little more resolve from me. It took a little more desire from me to get clean, but mostly each one got worse. I fell faster and harder and came close to not waking up a few times.
My point is, don't do it Storme. You have made amazing progress. Don't take that one pill. Don't go to your sister's place if she has them there. Do EVERY THING you can to stay clean for today.
I promise to try and do same. Hang in there.
bob
Let me tell you what I did at 5 and a half months clean. I TOOK that pill. I've taken many more since and I have detoxed more times than I have fingers in the past 4 months.
Each time I DID relapse. It took a little more resolve from me. It took a little more desire from me to get clean, but mostly each one got worse. I fell faster and harder and came close to not waking up a few times.
My point is, don't do it Storme. You have made amazing progress. Don't take that one pill. Don't go to your sister's place if she has them there. Do EVERY THING you can to stay clean for today.
I promise to try and do same. Hang in there.
bob
I can so relate to everything you have wrote. I am 86 days clean and sometimes I think people around me would rather see the drugged me than the straight me. I am slowly learning who the straight me is.
Reading this post it makes me realize the question I keep asking myself " do I feel this way cause I am an addict or could it be something else?" Addiction is a disease that never goes away.
At times the cravings are bad but I know it will not help me in anyway but make my life harder.
Great post and very helpful.
good luck and I know there are many cheering for you as well as myself even if those around us do not understand
Reading this post it makes me realize the question I keep asking myself " do I feel this way cause I am an addict or could it be something else?" Addiction is a disease that never goes away.
At times the cravings are bad but I know it will not help me in anyway but make my life harder.
Great post and very helpful.
good luck and I know there are many cheering for you as well as myself even if those around us do not understand
Thank you to all of you who read this and responded. It means a lot to me that I was able to touch someone else and they know exactly how I am feeling
What an incredible post. You put so many feelings into words. Remarkable. I'm straight. Nine whole days. Not much but a begining. U have to start somewhere. Stay VERY strong. Sure sounds like u r already. :-)
Hey Storme...I can almost hear your pain as I read this. Unfortunately I don't have the advice you so desperately want right now. But I want you to know that I care and am here to lend an ear. Like you asked I'm not gonna sit here and say try meetings, do this or do that. It's not like you just went through withdrawals and thought that was the end of your addiction. You are working your recovery by being here and seeing a therapist.
Although I don't have any advice and can't relate to everything I can relate to the craving. You know that the craving will let up. You also know that you don't need a pill like you said. Do you want one? Of course but you don't need one and I'm glad you realize it.
As for the support around you all I can say is if they are not an addict they will never be able to give us the support we need no matter how hard they try.
Have you every thought of joining a sexual abuse group? I don't just mean online but one in person. I'm sure you have thought of it but just thought I'd throw it out there.
I don't know my point of this message. I know nothing I said helped. I just want you to know that although I don't know you I truly do care. I wish I could take your pain away. Just know that even though you feel completely alone right now you aren't and that is because you are being thought of from someone who is probably 2000 miles away.
I pray that you can find peace.
I'm getting ready to watch a movie with my wife but due to my lovely bouts of waking up throughout the night I will be back on.
Brian
Although I don't have any advice and can't relate to everything I can relate to the craving. You know that the craving will let up. You also know that you don't need a pill like you said. Do you want one? Of course but you don't need one and I'm glad you realize it.
As for the support around you all I can say is if they are not an addict they will never be able to give us the support we need no matter how hard they try.
Have you every thought of joining a sexual abuse group? I don't just mean online but one in person. I'm sure you have thought of it but just thought I'd throw it out there.
I don't know my point of this message. I know nothing I said helped. I just want you to know that although I don't know you I truly do care. I wish I could take your pain away. Just know that even though you feel completely alone right now you aren't and that is because you are being thought of from someone who is probably 2000 miles away.
I pray that you can find peace.
I'm getting ready to watch a movie with my wife but due to my lovely bouts of waking up throughout the night I will be back on.
Brian
Oh my goodness. Reading this gave me chills and cry. Its as though your sitting in my heart and head and typing EXACTLY how i feel at times. The nite is the loneliest time for me. And nite time is often when i would use the most. You are not alone sweetheart. And i wish i had the answer as to how to get thru these very trying and dark moments. Its as tho i step outside myself and just watch myself go into a downward spiral of utter despair. I too was sexually assaulted when i was 16. I didnt turn to drugs until i was 29 but the memories creep up outta nowhere and BAM they paralyze me. im glad u posted. i dnt feel so alone. HUGS!
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