My husband is a coke addict!

[cassmeister]

I recently found out that my husband has become addicted to cocaine, which became the source of alot of our marital problems. We have discussed it and we have decided to try a trial seperation until he can get clean. The thing is, I have forgiven him for the lying and the addiction... now I just want to help him get off the stuff.
We can't afford rehab and I'm not sure what else can be done. I know that he will try anything that I suggest, but I just don't know what to tell him.
He has explained to me the cravings he gets and how he wants it sometimes more than anything else and it's so hard to say no when it's right there and it's so easy to get (his friends got him into it). I've advised him to cut those friends out of his life, but he says he'll just be lonely if he has no one to talk to. I know that I can't possibly be everything for him and he needs friends, it's really hard for him to meet new people and these are the guys he's been friends with since high school.
I'm at a loss. I know that he wants to get clean for me, and I want to help him, but we just don't know where to start.
Any advise would be great!

[Mikeinthesouth]

I'd talk with Newmanagement as he is very informed of these issues.

[gizzy32]

this is an old post, doubt she is here to read it.

i just have to tell you that's a heck of a story and you sound like a smart women. leaving is the best thing you could have done in my opinion. it takes a strong person to do what you did. i hope he gets some help, best of luck to ya

[SlowlySurvivin]

I was married for 3 years, have a 2 yr old daughter and my husband was involved in drug dealing and consuming cocaine and marijuana.  Our marriage got so bad that there was even physical, mental and emotional abuse from him.  The first time that he hit me was BCZ I found coke in his pocket... I questioned him about it and he turned crazy! Finally after many times of holding on and hoping and believing him when he would say he would change, I got tired of it.  I finally realized that there is NO way in hell that he would change UNLESS he wanted to.  The friends, the people, the addiction is what they have to learn how to get rid of and NOT because of someone else but because they find it in their hearts to change. Becz they have realized that they do NOT want to live that type of life.  Still up to this date, we have been separated for over 7 months and nothing has changed.  He still calls me and tells me that he does not want to give me the divorce becz he hopes that I can see him changing.. and guess what, they are only words... Words that he uses to make me think twice about what I have stood up to do and bcz he says that he does not want my baby to be raised in a step dad mom siblings relationship... but it's like I know in my heart, I did all that I could do and there always comes a time when you have to decide for yourself and not someone else.  I kept in my marriage for the fear of my baby being raised without her mom and dad but then again, the last time that he hit me when she was present, I said to myself, I am leaving for her.  Bcz I do not want her to grow up in a relationship where she sees that he dad uses drugs and hit her mom... For what, for when she grows up, she accepts that treatment from someone else? That's why I left.... I believe that he has had enough time to change and still has not, I can not step back one step and realize everything is the same... It's not worth it... I do have love for him and I hope that one day he becomes a better person, not for me or another girl, but for himself and his daughter...
My advice to you, you can only do so much.  U can not make him change... he has to WANT to change... it has to be IN him to change... he won't do it just bcz of you - he has to realize that he has to do it for himself first and then for someone else... You will only disappoint yourself if you continue to think that it is in your hands... I'm sorry but it's not.  
I always thought it was for me to help him change... and yes, I was there the times that he had withdrawals and what not, and when he tried ... but now... he has to do it on his own... especially since there was violence in our lives...  I will NOT take a step back...
Rehab does not happen over night - depending on the amount of addiction - but it takes time and it only depends on if HE wants to change and when HE is ready.  
Don't stop your life for his... you can only do so much and then you have to realize what your life has become and what you want it to be.... Good Luck!!  I'll keep u in my prayers!

[stormy418]

Sorry, rest of my comment was, you cannot help him.  Nothing you do will have any effect.

[stormy418]

That is the problem.

[cassmeister]

um... there is no baby to think of. i'm not pregnant. we don't have any children. it's just him and me. and i love him with all my heart and i want our life to be better. if there were children, i would have left already. i'm not that kind of weak person... i just wanted advice on how to help him.

[stormy418]

AA is free, if he wants to stop bad enough, he will get rid of the friends, and not make anymore excuses.  You are making excuses and trying to fix him.  You can't fix him, nothing you do will ever have any effect on this at all.  Think of the baby.  Do you want it to live with a coke freak who will spend all of your money on himself, and leave nothing for you or the baby?  

[fishmeal]

great comment people especially you Catuff

[cassmeister]

he's my husband, i love him and i'd do anything to help him get clean. he's asked me to help him and i just don't know how. i can't get inside his head and work the controls for him... god, i wish i could!!! i'd move with him all the way across the country.. far away from my family... just to get him as far as possible from his "friends". i know that he has to break all those ties, but he's kind of introverted and these are his only friends outside of work.
he has really low self esteem.
his dad kind of beats him up emotionally. it's really sad.
now he wants us to move back in together. i'm having such a hard time telling him no. i love him and i want to be with him... but he has to kick his habit! i want to send him to rehab. i wish wish wish i could afford it! i don't know what to do. i was looking into rehab facilities all over the country and it just depressed me! there is no way i could afford it on what i make!
luckily he hasn't totally changed. sometimes i still get to see the man i fell in love with. like last night and today. i know that he's not a total heartless *******... i know that he loves me... but i kind of feel like i'm not enough to convince him to stop using.

[LIZZIE LOU]

i personally know where you are coming from and the feelings of hopelessness and frustration that you are feeling.  my 20 year old son is a recovering coc/crack addict.

davis is a very, or should i say extrememly, shy young man...and because of this he lacked in social skills.  he never went to parties or hung out with friends in his early teen years.  he mostly stayed at home and really didn't seem to mind the fact that everyone else was out having fun and enjoying life.

around the age of 16 he started experimenting with drugs.  while others seemed to be able to do it socially, he quickly became addicted to "that feeling".  the drugs allowed him to come out of his shell...to have fun...to fit in with the crowd.  this was the beginning of life...as far as he was concerned.  while his friends continued to only smoke pot and drink alcohol...he began to experiment with different drugs...always searching for a better drug...a better feeling.

davis' drug of choice soon became cocaine.  he turned into a person that i didn't recognize...this was not davis my son i was dealing with...this was davis the addict.  they were two entirely different people.  i could always reason with davis my son...but there was no reasoning with davis the addict.  he was out for one thing and one thing only.

his cocaine addiction soon was out of control and the need for that drug and the means to support his addiction grew.   he started stealing anything he could get his hands on...mostly breaking into cars and stealing whatever was in there.  he could get into a car, steal the stereo, and be out of there before most ppl could even figure out how to do it.  it got soooo bad, that he would do this in broad daylight, at a shopping mall, with hundreds of people getting in and out of cars all around him.

ok...i will try and rap this up...because i could literally go on for hours about his addiction to cocaine/crack.

the beginning of the end for davis was when he was stealing out of cars at a mall one afternoon.  someone saw him and reported it to mall security.  when they approached him...he fled...in his car...hitting the security guard with his car.  this was his first time going to jail...followed by his first time in rehab.  he was 17 years old.

davis went to two different rehabs...one was 7 weeks, followed by aftercare of 4 months.  he came home a new and different person.  i was elated to have davis my son home and thought that davis the addict had disappeared forever.  soon the cycle started again.   same friends...same behavior...out of control one more time.   he started stealing again and of course was caught again.  second visit to jail.  

this time "HE" came to us and asked for help.  he asked to be sent somewhere that he could stay for a long time...at least a year.  we found long term treatment for him and got this approved through the court system.  he spent 13 months there and this is what helped save his life.  he had to get away from his "friends" and learn to live clean and sober.  he has been clean from crack for 20 months now.

what i am trying to show you in my "book" here...sorry...is what drug addiction will eventually do to someone.  they will go to any extreme to achieve that feeling.  if your husband has any chance of becoming clean...he has GOT to change his drug behavior.  this means breaking all ties with anything or anyone associated with his use...ANYTHING OR ANYONE...ANYTHING OR ANYONE.

i feel blessed that we could afford to send him to these places but i want you to know that i would have found a way...no matter what.  i would have sold my house and moved into an apartment.  i would have sold all our cars and shared a cheaper one.  i would have maxed out all our credit cards...whatever it took...i would have done it.   i know that my situation is different because he was my son.

you have a choice to make sweetie...are you up for all of this?  your husband may kick his habit and never pick back up...or...he may fight his addiction for years and years...and that is something that no one knows the answer to.  

i wish you luck...but...mostly, i wish your husband success in recovery.

huggs,
kim

[Glauren]

If it is the rush and energy that he "needs", there are TONS of options that can fill that void.
If you want to know more, just ask and I will list them. :)

[FLaddict]

HIs refusing to change will keep him sick and addicted.. They say that "nothing changes if nothing changes" and that rings very true.. Until he is willing to change everything that is associated with using drugs he will continue to use drugs.. And he will continue to lie, and take his hate for himself out on you..
It seems as though you need to do some soul searching on what kind of life you want for yourself..

[cassmeister]

he came over the other day and we had an argument. he said all these hurtful things about how we'll never have any money and i'll never amount to anything and how his life was so horrible. then, when i started crying, he apologized and told me that he only said those things because he was angry with himself and feeling guilty because he had binged the night before. he refuses to quit hanging out with these friends of his, and i don't want to lose him.. but he keeps slipping away and i don't know what to do

[GA Guy]

Any way you can get to an Alanon meeting? It's mostly for people who have loved ones with drinking problems. But, it may be very helpful to you. I usually don't recommend meetings like this (because I have no experience with them), but I've heard great things about this organization.

[cassmeister]

i have suggested moving several times, it would be really hard for us because of his job, but i think that the change would help him to break his habits and he would successfully cut out all of his user friends.
right now, we're trying this seperation thing, but it's hard. i love him so much and i just want to forgive him and have our life back. i know that i have to be strong if i'm going to help him overcome this... to make matters worse, i think i'm pregnant. i don't want to tell him as it will just stress him out, but he does have a right to know!
it's really hard to hold him accountable for his actions. i'm a very non-confrontational person and i go out of my way to avoid conflict. i just want to forgive him and pretent like nothing is wrong! which may be why our problem got as bad as it did... i was in denial about him using. i didn't want to believe when people told me, so i rarely asked and when i did, i just took for granted that he would tell me the truth!

[Carebear215]

The year of my marriage my husband was using coke, I found the razors and straw and he admitted to doing it. For the first year of our marriage he was on and off of this stuff, using the little money we had to get some. He was doing it with his brothers. I was preg at the time and it was really hard on me. I left him several times but he didn't want me to leave him things finally got to where he realized it was me and our family or the drugs. He choose us, we up and  moved, I know its not possible for everybody to do that.
He used twice after we moved from there and I told him next time he used I am gone for good so he never used again. As a result of him using he has Hep C.
Its rough going thru the withdrawls as I am finding out and its rough being the one who has to put deal with the one who is addicted to the drug.
He has to stop for himself and want to stop, he can't stop just for you, he has to realize if he keeps using what will happen.
Good luck and if you ever need to talk just ask.
Sonya

[CATUF]

If he's not willing to go to any length to get/stay clean, he's not going to.

The very first thing that folks with sustained Recovery will tell you is that they had to avoid ALL people, places and things that are associated with using.  ALL OF THEM - PERIOD.

It's sort of a joke in the Recovery community, but it's true too: "If you want to get clean and sober you only need to change one thing . . . . EVERYTHING."

If he wants to get/stay clean he simply must stay away from people that are using.  Later (much later) on, he may be able to have limited contact with such people if it is for a legitimate reason.  But early in Recovery an addict shouldn't even drive down the same streets that the used to buy/use on.

The pull back to using coke is amazingly strong.  Sorry Ga Guy, but it's far from being "mostly a mental thing."  Just as with opiates, cocaine crosses the blood-brain barrier andcause MAJOR changes in brain chemistry.  Below is a good explanation of what coke does to the brain that I copied from http://thebrain.mcgill.ca/flash/i/i_03/i_03_m/i_03_m_par/i_03_m_par_cocaine.html:
============================
Cocaine acts by blocking the reuptake of certain neurotransmitters such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. By binding to the transporters that normally remove the excess of these neurotransmitters from the synaptic gap, cocaine prevents them from being reabsorbed by the neurons that released them and thus increases their concentration in the synapses (see animation). As a result, the natural effect of dopamine on the post-synaptic neurons is amplified. The group of neurons thus modified produces the euphoria (from dopamine), feelings of confidence (from serotonin), and energy (from norepinephrine) typically experienced by people who take cocaine.

In addition, because the norepinephrine neurons in the locus coeruleus project their axons into all the main structures of the forebrain, the powerful overall effect of cocaine can be readily understood.

In chronic cocaine consumers, the brain comes to rely on this exogenous drug to maintain the high degree of pleasure associated with the artificially elevated dopamine levels in its reward circuits. The postsynaptic membrane can even adapt so much to these high dopamine levels that it actually manufactures new receptors. The resulting increased sensitivity produces depression and cravings if cocaine consumption ceases and dopamine levels return to normal.

Dependency on cocaine is thus closely related to its effect on the neurons of the reward circuit.
======================================================

With COMPLETE abstinence, proper nutrition and a healthy lifestyle, the brain returns to "normal" pretty quickly, with the biggest change occurring between 3 and 4 months clean, but with significant change still occuring for a period of years.  HOWEVER, many (far too many) won't even get to that first milestone if their brain chemistry is not addressed - simply put, for the chronic coke addict life without coke can quickly feel like it's not worth living . . . like anything (or any consequence) is better that the NEVER-ENDING-FEELING-THAT-THE-WANTING-WILL-NEVER-END.  It's just horrible.

There are some very good books that directly address the brain chemistry issues of Recovery: 1) END YOU ADDICTION NOW, by Charles Gant; 2) THE MOOD CURE, by Julie Ross; and 3) SEVEN WEEKS TO SOBRIETY, by Joan Larsen.  Although not so focused just on the chem aspects, also very good are STAYING CLEAN AND SOBER, by Miller and Miller; and STAYING SOBER, by Gorski and Miller.

Most addicts find going to AA and/or NA meetings to be of great importance.  Lots of meetings, especially in early Recovery have saved the lives of thousands.  Both programs suggest that newcomers attend 90 meetings in 90 days.  That 90 day period is CRITICAL - perhaps the most dangerous of recovery.  

I gotta run - time for my Saturday night meeting - good luck

CATUF
DAY-774

OH, if you do let him back in the house, insist on random (and frequent) drug screens as a condition.  If he really wants to get/stay clean he shouldn't object AND it's almost certain that he'll find them to be of greater benefit to him than to you.  Accountability is ESSENTIAL to recovery!!

[shama]

My husband has also had an issue with coke. I dont quite agree that you are not enough for him and he needs those other people. If he feels like he needs the sociolization then fine, take up a hobbie, go golfing, attend church. He might actually like attending a NA meeting, he can talk and listen to people with the same issue as he has. But he cant hang out with the people who feel doing coke is ok.
In the mean time just be there for him. Love him. Distract him. Try to find as much stuff to distract him as you can. He needs you to carry him right now. My heart goes out to you. My hubby cant watch movies like BLOW or anything else that deals with coke cause he says its always a trigger for him.

[GA Guy]

Some states provide outpatient (and sometimes inpatient) detox and counseling for opiate addiction. Have you checked around for detox centers and asked if they would finance it? Cocaine doesn't come cheap. I'd use the money he's using to support the habit and try to get clean. The telephone can be your best weapon. Call the local health department. Call every detox clinic you can find. ASK!! Don't give up. There can be affordable alternatives out there. If you're serious about this, I'd borrow the money to get him some help. From what I hear, coke is mostly a mental thing...counseling can help.