3 WEEKS tomorrow.

[swtbreezie]

Hi my angels,
I am 3 weeks tomorrow, I was sitting here and it hit me 21 days is 3 weeks WoW WoW Wow  I thought 3 weeks ago I was going to die, I wanted to die.  I feel WONDERFUL. now.  I still have lots of ghost busting to do to cope with my hubby and babygirl's death and get down and depressed.  I still somewhat blame my self for the horrible day I was stopped and got a DUI and my hubby came to get the car they insisted.  He did NOT need to be driving he was a worse addict than me and had a defibrillator.  I told them this and he had a wreck on the way home totalling the car 3 weeks later he was dead and my babygirl could not handle her Dad's death a month and a half later she was dead, yes I know the accident was because the cop insisted he come get the car dispite my protests, but still I take the blame if I had not taken the xanax it would not have happened and he might have lived longer and my babygirl also..  I did pass the cemetary today they are burried beside each other and I waved and didnt start crying for a change.  BUT I didn't stop, that's when it really gets to me.  I still don't have a marker on the graves yet hopefully I can soon.  The VA hasnt sent his it's been 2 and a half years.  BUT, not going to let depression bring me down.  I have a wonderful guy who loves and supports me, and I think they would look down and say "GO live your life and be happy, we are very proud of you". I think she would say, Mom I am an angel now don't cry for me, just look up and call I am here, and so proud of you.  What hurts is I can no longer touch her hand or her face.  BUT i do have a song she did for a friend who died in Iraq and at the end she says rest in peace I love you shane.  so I can hear her voice it gives me some comfort.  I am working through my grief, SOBER for a change.  I don't want to just sleep the blissful sleep of the pilled up dead, to forget or to deal with the grief.  Thanks Angels for being here for me through this last 3 weeks I love all of you even though I have only been posting for 3 weeks.  I am sorry for rambling but lots don't know my story.  Thanks all for you love and support.
Breezie

[swtbreezie]

let me see if this will go to the top so you can find it.
swtbreezie

[swtbreezie]

thanks everyone.  I sit here lurking and reading.  I miss my guy he is sleeping.  I will be back with him saturday.  I look back reflecting.  I had a fear of the night coming and the darkness all alone in this world, dusk was the worst time, I called it my boo rattley time of day.  I thought earlier and one day last week I told my guy about it, that I dont feel boo rattley anymore.  The night is a time to reflect back on everything you have accomplished and smile if it is good.  I have been down a long dark tunnel since the death of my loved ones.  The first year was horrible.  He passed a month an a half later she passed, hurricane rita devasted this place, it was kinda fitting for my babygirl her name was Wendy and she went out with the wind that child was always a storm waiting to happen lol  BUT God I loved her.  it took almost 2 months later to get her buried they kept her in a mauseleum (sp)  I went to the funeral home after coming back from evacuating to get it done 6 weeks later, BUT little to my knowledge what was going to happen.  The funeral was basic and cost 7000.00 I made a contract to pay it by the month before I evacuated remember I just buried hubby and that was 7000.00  WELL when I got back they wanted the total amout did not adhere to the contract.  I had to go looking for help I didnt have that kind of money.  I think I called everyone in the world to help everyone said "we don't do that"  ok I kept on keeping on how I have NO idea.  I was so angry I guess it kept me driven.  I finally called the court house they did what is called an indigent burial.  OK this was the way I had to do it.  I felt like they kicked my daughter, soooooo the funeral was planned.  NOT they did not want to put her beside her Dad in the plott I had I said OK I will dig the hole with a spoon if I have too!  She WILL be burried beside her Dad!  I called and called some more finally the other funeral home in town got my story and they did the opening and closing of the ground for a cut rate, my friends donated to help me get it done.  They did not want to do the memorial, just drop her in and cover her up.  I was NOT having that.  I got on my pc and did the little memoral flyers and printed out an 8x10 photo, how I did THAT I have no clue I was just driven I didnt sleep for days.  I sang and cried trying to record the songs I wanted.  OK funeral day was here, I drove my car right up to the casket and turned my cd player wide open made them wait till it was done to go on with the service.  The funeral director that did this came by to shake my hand I jerked back and said DO NOT touch me he said we did a good job for you I said NO you kicked her like an old dog! God I was angry, and stayed angry at them and God.  Even my guy sees me as no longer angry he saw the very angry me.  I was so very hurt :o(  Anyway sorry for another long story but it is all what happened.  I just needed to get it out and no I am no longer angry at God he didnt do this, she did it to herself and hubby was on a one way street on way too many meds did the methadone he took 900 every 2 months, his liver was shot, he dies of enlarged liver and respiratory failure 3 weeks after the wreck.  It was coming all along but I still blame me for it coming sooner after taking the xanax and getting a DUI.  I am trying to get past that so I can be happy and I am one day at a time.  Thanks guys for reading I need some sleep now goodnight love ya

[swtbreezie]

Thanks guys (((((((((((MY ANGELS)))))))))

[rosebud66]

never apoligize...emotions are a good thing.  helps to get on with things.

you my dear are truly an inspiration!!!!!

[confused456]

Please do not apologize! I enjoyed it very much. I think it hit home knowing that it is for your daughter as I have 2 girls of my own. It was lovely!

[swtbreezie]

thanks it was done from my heart.  I wrote the poem also it is just what I do with my feelings and thoughts.  I didnt mean to make anyone cry I guess it is sad, I'm sorry.

[confused456]

That was absolutely beautiful! I cried like a baby, but it was well worth it! You are an amazing woman! Congrats on 3 weeks and thanks for your support to me as well! Thank you for sharing that page, song, and poem with us! Hugs!!!!!

Confused
   "T"

[swtbreezie]

Hey Sis,
You never know maybe my daughter and your sister brought us together here to be sisters.  hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
swtbreezie

[swtbreezie]

I am not good in singing but it helped me read the poems my friend it may help I don't know it helps me.  And ty so very much.
love ya

[Avalancheblanche]

Thank you swtbreezie.  My sister was a singer.  I have still not been able to hear any of her recordings.  I don't know if I can handle yours because of that, I will try.  
You are sweet, swtbreezie!

[swtbreezie]

and I also did the poem guys it brough t me peace this is where I put my thoughts.

[swtbreezie]

I would like to share a webpage I did for my baby girl turn up your sound it is one of the songs I sang for her I changed the words a little to the song and I have more I hope it doesnt hurt your ears I did this after her death it gave me some peace.
http://www.angelfire.com/tx3/KS2/page2.htm

[swtbreezie]

thanks my friend, yes it is a tough row to hoe.  BUT I am living it and I have the best support in the world God, my guy and you guys,.  Thanks for sharing your story, we can cry together.  onward and upword from here.

[swtbreezie]

thanks my friend, yes it is a tough row to hoe.  BUT I am living it and I have the best support in the world God, my guy and you guys,.  Thanks for sharing your story, we can cry together.  onward and upword from here.

[Avalancheblanche]

I am sitting here crying like a baby.  Thank you for sharing that story.  I lost my sister a year and a half ago.  I have spent all this time just sure that no-one hurts as badly as me.  I just got home from the cemetary.  It is dark and cold and the snow and ice covers her body.  I just sat and cried missing her.  
I read your post and realize that I am not the only one who has lost someone they love.  
You lost your baby and the father of that baby......The pain and guilt you must feel.  I can understand it.
We tell ourselves that if we did something different, it would have turned out better.  We could have stopped this tragedy from happening.....
That would make us very powerful people, wouldn't it?  
We love, we live , we do the best we know and life happens.  Even if it is not the way we want it to.  
God has a plan and I am trying to embrace that plan.  We will not understand it for a very long time, but, someday, it will make sense and we will have peace.  

[swtbreezie]

thanks my NA is also here and AA and all of it.  I am so grateful I found this forum

[Flutterby111]

YOu've certainly come a long way....I don't know where you hold the strength, but I know where you find it...right here.  And as you said, in your guy!  I pray that you continue to find peace in what's happened in your life and that you heal properly...you seem to be making that happen on your own, so proud of you....I'm new here, but you are inspiring me to be grateful for the days I have and stick to the plan of staying clean.  WE are all doing this amazing thing together.  This is my support system.  My NA group is right here.  Keep on keepin on lady....good things will come your way....be sure of that!  

[swtbreezie]

thanks it was 2 and a half years ago and also went through hurricane rita and they were supposed to bury my daughter couldnt she passed on sept 19th it was oct 29th before she could be put in her final resting place beside her dad they lost all the funeral stuff so I did all the flyers and I sang the songs for the memorial, recorded them of course, I could not do them live.  BUT I was not going to let them just dump her in the ground without a memorial service.
Breezie

[spacecadette]

My goodness that is absolutely HORRIBLE! Please accept my condolensces.  May I ask how long ago this happened?  I honestly don't think i would have been able to handle that...if i lost my other half and my baby girl...i honestly don't know what i would do....wow....that's a thought i don't wanna think....thank you for inspiring so many of us with your story...it is powerful....congrats on staying clean.

[gizzy32]

i checked it out a while ago, do you ever check your messages, lol.

[swtbreezie]

thanks cookie, I have come a long way and I am no longer lonely and depressed I have many friiends here and am making more on a daily basis.  I am proud of the no pills and proud I am going on with my life and had the courage to change things before it killed me.
Breezie

[sickcookie]

Congraglations on three weeks,you have gotton so strong and have been thru so much,I know your Angels are so proud of your emerging strength and happiness.We can not change the past only the future and your on your way.Thanks for your post it will touch many BE PROUD of yourself for having the courage to change.

[swtbreezie]

thanks for that, it helps me so much to think they will be waiting.  and I could not have done this had you guys not been with me I was depressed you all make me laugh or cry or just want to live.
hugzzzzzz thanks agiain
Judy aka Breezie

[swtbreezie]

thanks sweetie,
I have been down a long road I know I pick and go on, but the past 2 and a half years have been pure hell for me.  You guys are my light along with God and my guy.  I couldnt do it without help I just wanted to sleep to forget.  Thanks for reading it.  And I did the caption with paintshop pro that is easy you need to take a look at that url I sent you this is what I did before their deaths a lot of graphic work.  I was a stay home Mom and wife I was very stuck in my world, they were my world.
Thanks you have been sooooooooo much support and fun you are a ROCK don't kid yourself!  LOVE YA
Breezie