Making myself go to After Care is Harder than Cold Turkey

[BraneGame]

So I looked into my local NA. I read the 12 steps, and more than half of them are not indicated for me. Why can't I give it more time? At this point I just can't do it. I have very few cravings, no outlet to get more prescriptions and still feel like crap. So, does this mean if I do not take the advice to go now, I am failing? Why all the pressure to go right away? I know some of you will get disgusted with me because I should just make myself go. But what if it just Isn't right for me? So is this just another thing I am failing at?  Sorry this is coming off as frustration. Well now that I think about it, I guess I am frustrated.

[BraneGame]

Ok, well here is what is making me so depressed. I live in a state North Carolina) that I hate. I put all my thoughts and energy into my husband and children just to survive living here. For the past 30 years my parents and siblings spent hours daily judging my sister who over 30 years developed a drug addiction to both prescription and street drugs. She had no life, no husband, no children and in her opinion no reason to live. I knew she would die, so I spent countless hours a month talking with her and loving her. She started prescription medications when she suffered an injury as a teenager. She could never forgive herself for mistakes she made over the years and ultimately moved away from her family (me included) to get this North Carolina. She went in and out of in pationt Detox as my family made here feel like this was the only way to recover from her demons. We made her life hell. After my sister's death 3 years ago my parents and siblings have now turned there focus on me. It seems as though they need to judge someone else because it somehow makes them not feel as bad about themself. My family has known I have been on pain medication for years, but I took them the way I was suppose to and no one seemed to watch me to closely as they had my sister to focus on. Now, I to moved to NC as my family told me they would be here to help with my boys and share holidays together. No such luck. They seem to watch every thing I do and come up with there own reasons for why I may look a certain way on a particular day or sound not so good. The legitimate reason for why I took the Oxy was not what they wanted to believe was the "real" reason I took it. In there eyes I must be doing what my sister did. Well that was not true for all these years! Now over the past  year I have been more alone and have more responsibility at home that I was not able to get it all done. I am a full time mom of 5 sons ranging from 7-17. I home school them all as the schools around here are awful. My husband is gone 4 days a week for work and I need to be able to keep moving. So yes I did end up taking more than I should have. A lot more! Each month I ran out sooner and sooner. I could see the pattern and knew it had to stop. So now, here I am. 16 days out. Suffering with depression and pain, no sleep and finding it so difficult to get done all I was able to do before I went CT. I can't stand the thought of being labeled. I know that NA is no judgment. I know it is not a place where your dirty laundry is shared around town, and that everyone there can in some way understand what I am going through. I guess I don't want others to see my most private emotions and insecurities. .

[jifmoc]

I like Moyte's response better than mine. She's so right. We push it because we did feel like you and now we don't. What better endorsement than that? Why keep feeling miserable when other's who were in your exact same position told you what worked for them?

It can't hurt, right? You have nothing to lose.

[jifmoc]

You are like a lot of us: analyzing instead of doing. Honey, you won't feel better doing what you've been doing. Don't read the 12 steps now, they won't make any sense. That's the cart way before the horse. Just go.

[motye51]

So, if I may ask....what steps do you feel are not for you?  I only ask this b/c they mean many different things to different people?
Me personally, I think it's important to get into aftercare immediately after detoxing b/c our brains are mush!  Our feelings are all over the place, and let's be honest, our best thinking got us here, so how good could it have been?  I recommend to everyone, at least try the 90/90 (90 meetings in 90 days). It will over saturate you with recovery which in turn, will make you feel physically better, I promise!  If there wouldn't have been at least some physical relief, I probably would have stopped going. But the 90 days gave me enough time for some of what some people said to sink in and actually give it some thought? Is this right for me? Am I really an addict? (Because of course, the picture we have in our head of what an addict is is NOT right)! I have made some great friends in N/A and have decided that working a program is for me. So far, they've NEVER steered me in the wrong direction and to learn how to live life on life's terms as an adult!  What's the worst that can happen other than you accumulate 90 days clean and pick up 3 key tags?????  You don't have to stay if you don't want???  But do you really want to white knuckle it? The head games that go on once the detox of physical is gone......is what aftercare helps with!

[jugglin]

Hi there.  You are not failing.  You are a work in progress - as we all are.  You cannot know that NA isn't for you unless you try it.  Same can be said for any form of aftercare.  By trying a meeting and just listening you will see that you are not alone and that folks "get it".  They get what you are going through and can totally identify with you and will not judge you.  You don't have to agree with everything - take what you need and leave the rest.

I know that NA seems to be the primary push, but there are many wonderful alternatives.  Not every aftercare is a right fit for every person.  AA is more convenient (more times and locations) in my community.  There is Celebrate Recovery (held in my area at local churches in the evenings with free childcare), SMART Recovery, counseling, church. The idea is to try something until you find what works for you.

When folks discuss WD's and what to expect, the physical WD symptoms start to slowly fade beginning around the 5 day mark.  Energy and sleep take longer.  Again, everybody is different.  You have a few different threads going, I saw that you are still struggling.  It takes a long time for the mental side to heal after you stop using.  My brain seemed to be in a fog for quite some time.  The emotions were a roller-coaster for months.  This is why you tend to read that PHYSICAL WD's start to fad but the MENTAL WD's can take months.  Aftercare can help you while you are going through this.  Give you tools.  Otherwise, as an addict, when we start feeling hopeless again we can easily resort to using.  Same can be said for addicts who feel great after 3 months and think that can just take 1 more.  

I totally understand your frustration.  I also believe there are many solid, valuable options for aftercare.  NA/AA tend to be the most convenient and they are free, but again, are not the only answer for every different person. But, you won't know unless you try.  You have nothing to lose by just going to an AA or NA meeting and sitting for an hour.  If you don't like that particular meeting, try another meeting (different time/location).  

Wishing you the very best!
P.S. CONGRATS to you on your clean days!  

[IBKleen]

Hi Hun, You really should stay in one post so we can follow you. You can talk about anything in the same post.

You won't know if it isn't right for you unless you try. And no one is pushing you. It is a suggestion. If you want to do it on your own then don't stress over it. We are simply telling you how we did it. Hang in there.