Anyone want to talk? Need some support please

[Hjk77]

I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support

[Hjk77]

I don't know if you got my messages

[Quietsunshine26]

24 days is amazing! I applaud you...taking your life back! I have about 10 & am still having some symptoms but it will be fine. So here we both sit home on a Saturday night. For me, it's getting lonely but I'll get through. Besides my issue with MS Contin, well not so much now, I've always suffered from depression. I've tried so many anti-depressants hoping to find one that sweeps me off my feet. Umm...doesn't work that way :) I'm glad you have an appointment Monday. Hopefully that will help. Just think you don't have to work New Years Eve. I head to LV 5-6 times a year, don't gamble but you sure have a tough job!

[tooter212]

I just read what you said to kbusy. Your NOT stupid!!! Your smart enough to know to quit the pills. And as far as your sisters, hell with them! Lets see how strong they would be in your shoes. Your living for you and not for anyone else. Husband , family. boss or customers!!  Your the only one you can really count on. That's not to say you don't need others because you do. Just remember though you come first. That's hard for me to do, but it must be done. Remember stay in prayer. God Bless

[tooter212]

Oh by the way, there is always someone listening. May not feel like posting and may be getting help from listening to you. so keep posting

[tooter212]

Hon, it will get better. I'm still asking questions myself. I was told not to give up when the miracle was just around the corner. I don't know how many times I've quit just before it happens on all kinds of things just because it got a little hard. But this is HARD those feelings are the worse part in recovery.  I have 2 1/2 months  and they are getting better all the time. That gut retching part just about kills you. But it doesn't. There was times I wish it had. lol  I know it's not funny but at least I'm not crying now. Just know it DOES get better. Stay in prayer in those times. God Bless

[brandiroars386]

I'm glad you are able to reach out to someone who is in program.  You said you want to put your addiction outta ur head forever.  Our addiction lives in us, we just learn how to not respond to it begging for us to use.  So you see, we really can't forget about it.  It's always gonna be there waiting for our weakest moments.  I have 95 days and I do still struggle, I certainly feel better than day 1 or 30, but it's a process.

[mommymarieme]

You are doing GREAT! Give yourself some credit and be  proud of yourself! Honey you are doing this! Congrats on 24 days so glad you made your own thread! I started noticing changes at 30 days and every day It got a little easier. Everyday is still a battle and I am over one hundred days but I keep myself busy and that honestly helps so much. I turn on my music and get moving it keeps my mind busy. For alot of others getting back to work has helped them so I hope it helps you! We are here for you! Keep up the good hard work! :)

[Hjk77]

Thank you all for the reply..I am so hurting. I have a dr appointment on Monday and a friend who is in aa who has been texting me but when I am all alone in my apartment I get that overwhelming lonely feeling and despair.  Then I think about going back to work and I freak out completely.  Then there's a climpse of wanting to be productive again.  I am all over the place.  I will keep posting comments.  But I really need people to post me back. It makes me feel so good to know there are people out there like me, maybe in the same stage as me, out there.  When will I feel normal again? Is the drug still in me? When will my brain stop looking for it?  I bought vitamin b12 and L-theanine hoping this will help my anxiety and heal my brain.  I wish I had the money to go to an out patient 90 day program, but I don't. Like that passages program where is says I was an addicted and now I'm not.  I want to think like that and put my addiction out of my head forever.

[Kbusymom]

My dr put me on Trazadone to help with sleep coming off of opiates and Benzos.  I took it for a few weeks, but didn't like it.  It gave me headaches and I decided if I was quitting pills I didn't want to get hooked on anything else.  I get really anxious at night too and have found melatonin to help.
I'm sorry about your job and the frustration of it; a casino seems like a tough environment to stay clean in.  Good luck to you and congrats on your 24 days!!  

[tooter212]

Hi and welcome to the site. I know the lonesome feeling. I sometimes feel like that even when hubby is here. We're together 24/7. I like it. We're good friends and the house is big enough when I need space. I only took the Cymbalta for a very short time. It really made me depressed. I'm very sensitive to meds anyway. Lycria and gap???? did the same to me. The lycria made me real mad also. All I know is I hate to try any meds because of it . I took amitriptyline to get off the Ambien because it did the same thing. I've been taking the ambien the last 3 nights so I'll have to get back on the amitripline pretty soon. I just needed some real sleep for a few nights. Let us know what the Dr says. Hang in there and God Bless  

[Jenelle2020]

HI there, just thought I would tell you of my experience with antidepressants. I was on methadone for 7 1/2 years, came off in March of this year and was extremely depressed for 8 months, my doctor suggested an antidepressant which I refused at first,then I went back a month later as I was feeling just horrible. I started taking the antidepressant ( Cipralex ) at 10mg/s a day and they just magnified my symptoms 10 times! So after 4 days I stopped them, but went back to the doctor and told him about it, then he told me to start them at half the dose ( 5mgs ) which was much more doable. I believe that anyone who starts on an antidepressant gets depressed and anxious for the first couple of weeks,as  they take a while to get in to your body. I am so very glad I started them again as it has made a world of difference to me. So my suggestion is that if you really want to be on an antidepressant you are going to have to wait it out for a couple of weeks until they kick in and you won't feel so bad anymore. Just about anyone I know who has taken them has had a hard time in the beginning.  Hang in there, it does get better. By the way I have heard that Cymbalta is a tough antidepressant to be on, you may want to talk with your doctor and try something else. Whatever you choose to do I wish  you the best! Keep posting for support.

[brandiroars386]

You are not alone, we are here to listen and help.  I unfortunately don't have the answer about Cymbalta or Trazadone., I haven't taken those.  I can tell you though, that going to meetings probably saved my life, and I felt just like you about them.  There is supposed to be anonymity  in the meetings I had to push my pride away and go.  Not only that but seeing people and spending time with recovering addicts is very therapeutic. It will work out.  Congrats on your clean time and taking your life back. Others will be along to help soon.