I cannot Believe it....FAILED!!!!

[justneedtotalk]

Well,  I am writing this on day one of detox from a relapse with the old hydrocodone!!!  I was doing so well and was almost at the 4 month mark off of methadone and hydro.....I feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself.  I do not even really know how it happened.  A friend had my favorite 10/325 norco's and a lot of them at a really cheap price.  All of a sudden my addictive brain kicked into overdrive and I gave into the tempation like it was nothing figuring that I had enough of them to go on a decent bender.  It was horrible, the first couple of days were great but my tolerance quickly shot up and I was taking ten a day again.  I had good days and bad but mostly bad.  I cannot believe I am back to day 1.  I am really feeling the effects cause I had enough for an entire month bender.  The good thing is that this was a one time source deal but I truly realize that I cannot do this alone.  Yes, this is the longest I have made it but I inevitably gave in.....I cannot tell you how ashamed I am and it is hard for me to even write this post.  Oh well, I guess the only way out is up and you have to start back somewhere!  I truly am going to find a NA or AA meeting that I can squeeze into my schedule once I go through this intial detox.  I am working and cannot take time off so once again I am here at work and home trying to keep it together and not let people know what I am going through.....The nice thing is that this is the 2000 time I have done this so I know exactly what to expect and do....The only bad thing is that I KNOW what I am looking forward to over the next couple of weeks and I have plans this weekend that I need energy and to hold it together and that will be smack dab in the middle of the worst part of detox.  I truly think that I can get into a meeting or two here within the next couple of days but I need something else other than my will power because obviously it did not prevail.....Sorry to all of you that supported me along the way but please give me another chance to prove to you all that I can do this, especially the veteran sober people that have been so much help to me......I guess you all will be hearing a lot from me over the next couple of days/weeks so I apologize in advance!  :)

[dominosarah]

Sorry to hear about your relapse but you pretty much set yourself up for it.  You said you knew this would happen eventually and you had this licked.  Once we put down the pills doesnt mean this addiction stops.  That is when it really gets going.   Dont worry about the wd's as they are the least of your troubles.  I hope and pray you can squeeze some recovery care into your schedule....Your life depends on it~~~~~sara

[justneedtotalk]

Thank you for everyone's understanding words.  I knew this would happen eventually but I thought after four months I was really done and out of the woods.  I actually patted myself on the back for being able to come off massive amounts of hydrocodone and methadone seemingly unnoticed by wife, work, or family and not need any sort of aftercare other than my time on this site.  WAS I WRONG!!!!  I am more ashamed of this relapse becaue I had it licked!!!!  I was past most all of the physical and mental side effects and had various PAW's outbreaks was able to cope.  Now I am back at square one and it is like having to perform in another play that you despise to participate in.....I hope I can keep it together one more time to get through this and back on the road of feeling better.  I will definitely need to vent and wine a little (Sorry all) but I am ready to get at least familular and attend a few AA or NA meetings.  I know that in the long run this is the only way, I just didn't think that I would be this addicted to something in my life.  I am able to drop most all of my other bad habbits but this one is tough.....Anyways, thanks for the kind words and the welcome back, I am going to try my best not to let you guys down.....God Bless!

[gnarly_1]

let me clarify what I ment to say if left untreated relapse becomes part of the desiese
if treated with some form of aftercare chances are greatly reduced ......Gnarly
thanks for ketching that IBK...........Gnarly  

[IBKleen]

Relapse is not part of the "desiese", it is your CHOICE once you get clean. Either way, there is no need to beat yourself up. It is what you do from this point on that counts.

Do you think you would like to try aftercare? It is not for everyone but it has been a life saver for me. So, if you want to give it a try here is the link to a meeting near you:

http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/

Best of luck. Hold on, don't use and be good to yourself!!!

[gnarly_1]

hi welcome back wish it was on better terms .....we dont shoot are wounded no need for an apologies your sick you have a desiese ....a treatable one and it sounds like your going to humble yourself to start going to meetings.....many of us have tried this on pure will power
it rarely works...its the addictive brain that need to change we need to change the vary way we think and at N/A or A/A you will find that try not to get to discouraged relapse is part of this desiese with aftercare we can greatly reduce the chance of it happening if you need the pep talk on how to detox let use know but this ant your first rodeo I wish you all the best with your detox and will work on your recovery this time around good luck and God bless...
Gnarly  

[tryn2quit]

I understand you 100% I had quit for 4 months myself then I had a motorcycle accident and busted up my hip and leg. The pain was excruciating, and un-avoidably I was prescribed pain killers ( percocet 10/325...)The good thing is that I'm down to 2 a day and recovering nicely from my accident, still in pain though specially when its cold, but I very much look forward to my daily fix...I am going to try to stop again soon just not sure when.
Good Luck to everyone here...

[pillfree21]

Just wanted to encourage you to dust yourself off and get back on your clean horse and ride it for 4 more months and watch out for the bump this time.  Relapses are really hard to confront and at least you kept in relatively short.  The hardest part is overcoming the regret (other than the renewed WD cycle, that is).

When I read your post it reminded me of something I told my daughter when she lost her ring, I told her that she would find it in the last place she looked.......we can only find sobriety in our last attempt at it, so pat on the back for continuing to look.

[laurel453]

hEy, don't say sorry.... the first time i relapsed BIG TIME was after being clean for 4 months. It took me almost a year to give it another try and here i am , more than 2 years so yes, each one of us has to learn and stand up again after a few trials, so don't get discourage and go for it, Aftercare will be your best friend but you have to work on yourself, ok ? GOOD LUCK NOW :) and a HUG