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Avatar universal

Scared to death, almost day 11

I think I am posting wrong as I can not seem to just update my origanal post. I just seem to be replying to myself. But I do need to vent and I do need to hear from people who have been where I am or going through it with me. I also want to thank those of you who have offered your support. I know you are all right in what you say and one day I hope to be able to share my success story too. Right now I am finding myself completely irrational. I went for a walk today with 2 of my 5 sons and actually found myself thinking wow wouldn't it be great if someone who is sick of Oxy threw there medication out the window and it is here on the side of the road someplace? You know, sort of how we wish we could find that bag of money someone forgot they hid behind a rock in the back yard. Yes, it sounds crazy but thats how much I am fighting my brain. I have been asked if I have looked into any after care. No, I have not. I can hardly tell you my thoughts and frights. I feel even more stress thinking about talking to people face to face. My husband has always supported me and loved me, and most of all been very patient with me all these years.  Some how he never made me feel judged (I do that enough myself) or bad or even selfish. But I KNEW he was praying and waiting for ME to be ready to stop taking the medication. I don't think he thinks of me as an addict but rather dependent. I however have come to the conclusion that I must be an addict as month after month I run out of my med. way to fast. I went through a whole script in one week! I should be dead. My last withdrawal was last month. I went 2 weeks with no meds. and then was the first person in line at the pharmacy the day I could refill. I can't tell you how many times I have gone through withdrawal because of going through my med. to fast. The difference this time is I told my doctor I wanted to be discharged as his patient as I no longer need to see a pain specialist or refills for pain medication. Sometimes I get so scared that that was a mistake and I have now destined myself to a life of pain. Strangely enough and to my surprise the medical condition I was taking the Oxy for is NOT were my pain is. It is every where else, but not where it was when I started taking this medication. I am so afraid of pain. Even my teeth hurt! I know that sounds funny but apparently the Oxy masked a cavity or 5. After reading so many addicts stories both of recovery and relapse, I think knowing that this is going to hurt for a very long time and be with me forever is so scary. What do I do if one day I do need pain medication for a legitimate reason? Will this start all over? I can not remember life before Oxy, so I can not see beyond how I feel right now. I felt much better when the medication was in me. I also felt safer somehow because I always knew how I felt on pain meds. as opposed to this uncertainty  day after day. 10 1/2 days! It feels like months! I guess It's a good thing I told the doctor I was done when I did, because I am so weak right now, I know I would be so tempted to be first in line for a refill again.  
10 Responses
6063300 tn?1430430571
I can tell you from first hand experience that I had almost a year free of pain meds when I fell off my horse and fractured my spine and pelvis. I was in the hospital for a week then back on pain meds. Its hard but not as hard as the first time. I am on day 3 of getting my life back! You have to think of it as getting your life back for your family but most importantly yourself! The first time I had taken them for 11 years this time almost a year. You can do it!! keep posting and I will be right there with you going threw this with you!
Avatar universal
After reading your response to me I went back to read about you. I really appreciate your support. I too have detoxed before but only made it 4 months. I didn't handle how long it was taking to feel better and gave up. Now 4 years later, here I am again, feeling just as hopeless. Your story really gives me hope. You made it through the fog and felt good again. Even though I got myself discharged from the pain clinic, I know exactly how to get reconnected, and that scares me. I hope you know how strong you are and the encouragement you are for me. I hope to be as strong as you are some day.
8548587 tn?1426132056
Hi my name is Patty and I am at the end of Day 12. It's still not easy but it is getting better every day. Please, you can do this. Tell yourself you are not allowed to even think about giving up till you hit 30 days. And when you get to 30 days-tell yourself you made it this far let's see how I feel at 60 days. Just take it in whatever small chunks you need to. One day you will wake up and be yourself again. If I looked at forever I would probably have caved already. I started out with I'm just going to get through today, then I'm going to make it a week, etc. I too can barely remember who I was before the pills. Scared to death I might not like the me without my crutch. But we have to at least give that person a fighting chance. This is hard, make no mistake about it but we can do this. Just remember it is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental.
6063300 tn?1430430571
Its just a matter of time! Oh how I hate that and I want to feel better now!!!!
This time around I know what to expect and am pushing myself not to just lay on the couch. It is so hard but I know what is ahead of me and I know what I need to do....does not make it easier but I will get there. You have support from your husband. Wow wish I did he just tells me How many times do we have to go threw this! That hurts so much since it is only my 2nd time and out of my control of how I got here again!
my motto 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough!!!!!

We have got this!!!!!
Avatar universal
Hi -
Congrats on your clean time! I've been exactly where you are and I know how scattered everything seems... It's difficult to get your arms around everything your mind and body is going through but things are really going to settle down for you soon.. I'm not saying your going to be perfect but things start to get more into focus at the 2-3 week mark.. In the meantime don't think ahead -- there is no need to overwhelm yourself with the "what ifs", right now just focus on today, not tomorrow, next week, month or year -- just today and if you have to do it minute to minute or hour to hour then so be it... From what I read you are doing great, just try to not look to far ahead.. Your sober today and right now that's all that matters and you should be damn proud of that!! Keep up the great work!!
Avatar universal
12 days starts for me in just about one hour. I guess I'm discouraged that on day 10 I felt better than day 11. I thought I would feel better every day I make it through. Why the back and forth? How do I focus on making one more day if tomorrow might be worse than today?
Avatar universal
Your motto is right on. Do you really feel good, or better than when you were on meds. once you are through withdrawal? Or is it the fog lifts and you don't really get that happy feeling or even worse, less capable to do things that I I could do medicated. On day 6 I went to the gym and walked 2 miles. The next few days all my muscles hurt so much worse. Today I walked maybe 1/2 a mile and hurt just as much. When does the feeling better each day start?
Avatar universal
I think I count the minutes. All I think about is my God I feel like crap maybe I made a huge mistake.
8548587 tn?1426132056
I know what you mean. Day 13 here and woke up like I was hit by a bus! Today will be one of those days when I just focus on gettin thru today. The difference this time for me is that when I have these days, I force myself to get up and get moving no matter how I feel. And it really does help.

First getting moving actually makes me feel a little better. Second, getting moving makes the time go faster when I'm having a rough go of it.
8548587 tn?1426132056
I took those pills for over 15 years! I have to be fair to my body and give it whatever time it needs to heal and function normally again. If I thought that it would always feel this bad or that it wasn't going to get any better I would say forget it. But I know it will be better. When? I don't know, everybody is different. I guess it will be better when it is better. Until then we have to take it as it comes. I do know that if we give up it will never be better!!
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