I know I'm an idiot

[lovemysobriety]

I am at my 3 month sobriety mark with coming off of 10mg hydros, cold turkey. Done it before, previously, but that's another story. Anyway. My mother is a cronic pain patient and lives with me.
Well, this doctor she saw at the hospital (admitted for kidney problem) gave her 100 percocet!

I am very sure you can guess the rest. They are 5mg percs. I don't want them in my house!
Mom knows of my struggles.... however, she has no way of stopping me.

So far--- I have taken: 3 quarter parts of a whole 5mg perc today. I know that isn't much, but to an addict who hasn't had ANYTHING in 3 months, it can be suicide. And some of you know exactly what I mean. So my question to all of my fellow addicts is this. Why do we do it? I LOVE my sobriety. I DO not want to go down that road again.

I need some good advice. I don't want my mother to suffer for my mistakes. And I know if I can nip this early, I will survive and make it through. I have a strong will to be sober, forever.

Any and all suggestions....
Thanks so much, in advance.

[marcatj]

well, i'll say it again - i couldn't do it.  and i bet 99% of us couldn't do it with the stuff in the house.  and you HAVE to have it there because you are so good to be your mother's caregiver..

i sure hope you go to bed tonight (and all nights) feeling good, proud, and valuable and strong.

because you are.  :-)

[slideshow]

I didn't read her OP that way.  Its her mom that got the 100 percs not lovemysobriety.  She did admit to taking part of 1, but the 100 belong to her mom, from a legit kidney problem.  That said lovemysobriety did not accept 100 percs.    

[lovemysobriety]

No beach, she lives with me. I'm her caregiver. She's lived with me for a LONG time now. She's a wonderful human being. Those percs are hers, not mine. I haven't been to doc in years. She's always been the one with the meds, ready to hand them over when she didn't need them.

My addiction started in my teens, with a lot of help from my mother's medicine cabinet. "Mother's little helper."  Ha ha ha. Anyway, beach, I'm completely self supportive.I have a wonderful career. I guess I was one of those "functional addicts"? I always thought that term was laughable, until I lived it.  Married, 3 children, two grown. I'm in a good place, now anyways.

And thanks marcatj, I don't feel like a superhero. But your words really helped. My 3 months of sobriety has only been marred by just a broken piece of pill. I haven't taken anything else. And I don't plan to. I took the bottle out and looked at it. I always said to myself before, "when then bottle is gone, where will I be?" So that helps a lot! I hated the "chase". I hated that it always occupied my mind. I hated that I couldn't have any fun without a dose. I wouldn't even drink because I was using! Now I can drink when I go places with friends or to family functions. I feel vindicated on some levels.

And you're right Savas, when I think about other things, and not the drug, I remember my sobriety. I remember how good it feels not to have to "chase". I remember who I was before.

Thank you so much, all of you for your words.

[beachtowel]

Sorry if this sounds harsh  but if you truly loved your sobriety than you would of not accepted the 100 percs you would of said no thank you......
As far as your mother she is probably your biggest victim.......
You live in her house?
You say living in her house she can't stop you.........?

What if she said hit the highway could you support your self on your own.......?

[marcatj]

btw - i think you have AMAZING restraint and courage to go even a day, let alone 3 months, clean with that stuff in the house.

i know i couldn't do it.  and i'm sure alot of peeps on here would tell you the same.

so, you are definitely not an idiot... you're a freakin' super hero!!!  feel proud of yourself....  :-)

[Savas]

Don't you just love having to be "Superman"?  :)

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. And you can do this. Just think of puppies or recite batting averages while you're dealing with the med's. Try not to "think about it" to much.

[lovemysobriety]

Thanks so much for all of your comments.

My mom's too "enabling". I can fake any sort of pain, even if we got a "keyed" safe and she'll hand them over. The "keyed" safe thing might work, however, I have an older toddler in the house whom she watches and he is a little too inquisitive. The pills are currently in a lock box, but the way it works it doesn't need a key, but it's very hard to open (toddler proof basically). I dole out all of her meds into a daily/evening med holder.

I haven't taken anything today. I think this is one of those things I'm just going to have to buck up and NOT do. I know all the reasons not to use. I know that I like feeling "sober" as opposed to "high". I've read these boards for many years and never posted. I think I'm more serious now, and felt you guys could be a beacon for me. And, you have!

And by the way, I had read on here about someone taking those herbal tabs called "Calms Forte" by Hylands. Those helped me so much during withdrawals and they still help me when I can't sleep.

I'll keep you posted. I'm going to go down some vitamins!

[marcatj]

I think we do it for a few reasons, but one of them being "pain avoidance" - so to speak.  Not physical, but emotional.  And I don't mean you have to be sitting there conciously being depressed, either.  It think it gives us a moment to get out of our heads, and out of reality which is, in fact, hard.

[bettie1976]

"I am at my 3 month sobriety mark"

I believe I read it in my post acute w/d's info (or somewhere) that people hitting those milestones, 30 days, 60, 90 etc....are more apt to relapse. Dunno why thats true, it just said that.  

[tzt2lady]

get a locking safe/security box and ask your mom to keep the key hidden.

[NautyOne]

tell your mother to keep them so you can't get to them.  Done.  Not rocket science.

[Savas]

I suppose you could get a small *safe* and have only her have the combo...you can get them cheap at staples. Unless she'll give in and give you the combo...?

You may want to tell her not to tell you what med's she's on in the future.

But in the end, you do really have to make the decision yourself. Any step you take to block your access is a form of saying "no", and will help reinforce the final decision.

[slideshow]

Hey does your screen name have anything to do with the medical/psychological Diagnosis book...My diagnosis for example is DSM-IV...309.81....That is an easier way to write it for sure, without tipping your hat... wish I had thought about it before I post the laymans decription of what that letter/number combo means.

[justlikeyou]

who wants to be sobre and miserable?

no-one, personally i believe we take things to change the way we feel because we dont feel good naturally.

brain chemistry is key to feeling good, copy / paste this

and learn about your brain and how to naturally feel good forever...good luck

http://mindboosters.libraryonhealth.com/read.php?id=319d40363b85ee60554ea4b3f&chapter=6

[slideshow]

good solution.

[dsm3kidz]

What we do in our house is we bought a small safe (15 dollars) and my husband hides the key. I also gave the key to a friend. I need the meds for migraines to keep me out of the er so they need to be around but since they are locked up their isn't that temptation. Have you mom lock hers up.

[slideshow]

Nip it, face it, look at the demon and say NO I won't eat you....Not trying to be funny, but perhaps you don't have to hide from them, if you can face them.....Face them, look at them, and know that you will not and cannot eat them.  Its a thought..

If your mother needs them, then its not fair to make her stop...But perhaps you can talk to her, if you haven't already about your issues and she can help by simply keeping them from you somehow...There is a way, there always is.  Good luck.  I know that I could find a kilo of Cocaine and I would simply flush it down the toilet.   I promise that is what I would do.  I would not turn it in as they would think of some way to arrest me for it, and besides, someone would steal it from the evidence locker and it would be on the street in a month, or less.  

Unfortunately your solution is not that easy as you can't flush your Mom's meds....Good luck finding a way..  I think that you can be strong and just "decide" to not eat them...They belong to your Mom and its wrong to steal her meds.

[IBKleen]

Welcome to the forum!

Why do we do it? Because we are addicts. You said right up front that you had 3 months, and also that you have done it before. You need to find what you are, or are not, doing that is causing you to keep picking up. There will always be temptations, triggers, etc. Is it how you handle them that keeps you from using.

Do you attend NA or AA meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a suport group? Do you go to counseling?

For me, I had 5 years. I was active in NA daily. I moved out of the area and I stopped going to meetings. i stopped going to therapy. That was it. End of story. My disease told me 5 years was enough and since I was in a new area, wel, I didn't know anybody and blah...blah...blah.

Today I have 8 days. I am grateful that I was able to find my way back. Some are not so lucky.

I hope you find the tools you need to stay clean and sober.

Please post and let people know how you are doing.

Take care.