Terrified grandma; advice?

[KKWilli]

I'm new to the forum. I have a 20 year old son who is a heroine addict. His 26 y.o. girlfriend & mother of his baby is also a heroine addict. Baby is 5 months old. A few weeks ago, my son did a short subutex detox, but within a week, he went back to drugs. They've lived with me for 18 months. I've talked and talked & also paid for the subutex and the trip to the neuropsychiatrist, but my son didn't even follow the doctor's directions. I set up guidelines, like tellin them they have to go to NA meetings, but they make no effort.  They have no car, which leaves everything on me on top of working a full time job.  If they really wanted to get clean, they would be voluntarily going to meetings & even finding a ride if that's what they need.  Baby's mom thinks she has me fooled into believing my son is the only one with a serious problem, but I know better. I have to work full time and they're home everyday with the baby.  Neither will go get a job, both just keep playing me, basically. They fight and argue and act ridiculous around the baby. They get high with the baby in the house. I've wished & hoped too long & realize I must do something to protect my beautiful innocent grandbaby. I've contacted an attorney and plan on telling my son & the g.f. they have to sign custody over & leave the house or the state will intervene & take baby; one or the other. I think my son will accept this easier than the mother because this is actually the only way he will be assured of his son's safety. Mom is supposed to get a car soon & an ex-boyfriend is supposed to be getting out of jail within a week & I know that she won't think twice about running with baby, & then my son may never see his baby again. I'm hoping and praying that losing custody will motivate both of them to find help.  I've come to the conclusion that I CAN'T help.  So many people get on these forums and talk about being there for their kids, but I've tried & it only seems to enable them.  They make promises but don't keep them. They build up my hopes and then dash them back down. It's all a game & it's got to stop because it's putting baby at risk.  Are there any other grandparents out there who have gone through this? I'm really not sure what to expect from either of them when I approach them with this. I'm hoping they're cooperative, but know that anything is possible ~ including a violent outburst.  Both have been high for several days now. If I can catch my son when he's not high, I think he will be more reasonable. Best case scenario is both of them cooperating, but I think it's not likely.  I also realize that the statistics for them actually recovering are very low & that I will most likely need to retain custody of my grandchild for a long, long time; perhaps his entire life. It just rips my heart out to be put in this position.  I have to kick my son out - MY firstborn child and MY son, in order to protect HIS son.  No mother should ever have to make this decision.

[mrpat]

I live in St louis too, and it seems to me maybe a simple way for you and you son is to go get a restraing order. that will give him custodyplus the time for you to get you case ready for a battle if that is what is in store. Plus th gf will know how serios you are about this babys safety. all you have to do is go to clayton and the courthousr ask to talk to the court clerk and explain your situation and they will walk you thru it from there. Good luck and remember god never puts no more on us than we can bare to manage.

[Savas]

This is why I don't talk to my family anymore. to much stress. Give me a banzai tree, my navel, and the possibility of enlightment through` solitude anyday.  :)

Seriously, it looks like you may have to do the lawyer thing. If he's a good lawyer, he'll warn you that CPS workers will normally assume EVERYONE is at fault and will not hesitate to lie to you to get the information they require to pull the child out of the family entirely and place them in fosterage. Remember, they will interview both sides and you know how THAT goes.

That said, what about getting your son to agree to an order of visitation on your behalf? It would avoid all the unpleasantness and lock the mother in the position of not being allowed legally to leave the immediate area with the grandchild. I'd say have him do it on HIS behalf, but he'd have to be ready to accept she's willing to run off with his child, which I doubt he is.

[Stacy79]

I don't think you're nuts, because I have seen my grandmother bail my father out and give him too many chances.  The love of a mother is strong, and it is hard to show tough love.  It is great if they are serious about getting clean, and if they really know that you are serious.  But if they screw up one more time, you have options.  I work for DYFS, and I can tell you that one call to them gets an investigator to the house immediately.  No one will have a chance to run.  However, they have to see something substantial in order to intervene.  You don't want to run the risk of them not seeing anything significant enough to remove the children, then leaving, and your son's g.f. being able to take the kid and run.  If the environment was deemed unsafe for the child, relatives are given priority in adopting them.  Placement in foster care is a last resort.  However, the case worker has to see that you can provide an immaculate living environment, and the offending parents cannot be living with you.  These are the things you will need to have in place if this goes down.  You will need to get them out of the house first.  Then make the call to have the child removed.  Going to court may not even be necessary.  When my half brother and sister were taken from my father and his wife, my grandmother got the call the next day that said, "Congratulations, you have yourself two kids."  DYFS is the only agency authorized to remove children without a court order.  They have a lot of power, so you want to make sure that you make it clear to the investigator that you want the children.  Subsequently, you want to show your caseworker that being in your home is in the best interest of the child.  Just wanted to give some advice from a legal perspective!  Good luck,

[KKWilli]

Oh, and this didn't go over well with my fiance', just like I expected.  He gets so upset because he feels like I don't stick to my guns and I just keep allowing them to walk all over me and continue taking advantage of me, and he's RIGHT.  They are.  They do.  Everything he tells me is true, he just doesn't understand all of the things involved like he would if my son were HIS flesh and blood and my grandson was HIS flesh and blood.  He doesn't understand the fear of losing one or both of them because he doesn't have that bond; that connection; those parental feelings you get when you ARE connected.  It really does put a damper on our relationship, which is just one MORE aspect of all of this that is unfair to me.  My son just doesn't get how full-circle this issue is & how deeply it affects every single aspect of my life.  He is SO selfish, and so is his girlfriend.  

[KKWilli]

Yes; believe me, I have that fear & feel like I'm treading water & barely staying afloat because none of my options are "safe".  I just hate it that I will always have the fear of my son's g.f. taking off with baby.  I've supported them for nearly 2 years & they still live with me and I am SO attached to my beautiful grandson.  She gets ticked off at my son and threatens to take the baby all the time & it just makes me so mad & scares the **** out of me.  It's so bad, them both being addicts, because they both blame each other for everything & neither of them will take responsibilitiy for their own behavior.  Both of them are so stupid, though, that they just don't get it that other people in town are starting to talk & that if they don't make a major change NOW, it's just a matter of time before someone makes a call & DCFS comes knocking on our door.  Too many people are becoming alarmed & concerned for baby's safety.  I don't think the g.f.'s mom is really in touch with how serious her daughter's addiction is.  I think she puts all the responsibility and blame on my son, who is 6 years YOUNGER than her daughter.  They are both addicts.  I have a fear of g.f. running to her Mom & playing the "he's such an addict & he's a bad father" game & then Mom buying into it & sitting back and watching the g.f. hook up with some other drug addict (which I'm very convinced she will do) & dragging my grandson off to live with a stranger who would be even more dangerous to him.  

This seems like one of those "dammed if you do and dammed if you don't" situations & I've had way too many of these in my life.  I would like to think that this would be a wake-up call for them, but I have, sadly, lost faith in anything waking them up.  They are still in denial about how bad (or risky) their parenting is when they're high.  Not only is their parenting an issue, both of them have been sponging off me for over a year & a half & neither are working, but keep promising to get jobs.  So, what do I do?  Kick them out and lose track of my grandson?  They know how attached I am to him and know I don't want to lose him, so they continue to take advantage of me.  

I am definitely in a catch-22.  

[Savas]

Be very careful. I've been talking to someone else in your exact situation who moved to get custody of her child's child. The whole situation blew up in her face (mostly at that point I was trying to prepare her from a legal perspective of what to expect and prepare for, what to be sure the lawyer is doing, etc..).

It's probably a good idea to put off using the lawyers and the system as long as possible. Once unleashed, the legal system can be an uncontrolled beast, wrecking havoc in the lives of all involved indiscriminately.