Terrified grandma; advice?

[KKWilli]

I'm new to the forum. I have a 20 year old son who is a heroine addict. His 26 y.o. girlfriend & mother of his baby is also a heroine addict. Baby is 5 months old. A few weeks ago, my son did a short subutex detox, but within a week, he went back to drugs. They've lived with me for 18 months. I've talked and talked & also paid for the subutex and the trip to the neuropsychiatrist, but my son didn't even follow the doctor's directions. I set up guidelines, like tellin them they have to go to NA meetings, but they make no effort.  They have no car, which leaves everything on me on top of working a full time job.  If they really wanted to get clean, they would be voluntarily going to meetings & even finding a ride if that's what they need.  Baby's mom thinks she has me fooled into believing my son is the only one with a serious problem, but I know better. I have to work full time and they're home everyday with the baby.  Neither will go get a job, both just keep playing me, basically. They fight and argue and act ridiculous around the baby. They get high with the baby in the house. I've wished & hoped too long & realize I must do something to protect my beautiful innocent grandbaby. I've contacted an attorney and plan on telling my son & the g.f. they have to sign custody over & leave the house or the state will intervene & take baby; one or the other. I think my son will accept this easier than the mother because this is actually the only way he will be assured of his son's safety. Mom is supposed to get a car soon & an ex-boyfriend is supposed to be getting out of jail within a week & I know that she won't think twice about running with baby, & then my son may never see his baby again. I'm hoping and praying that losing custody will motivate both of them to find help.  I've come to the conclusion that I CAN'T help.  So many people get on these forums and talk about being there for their kids, but I've tried & it only seems to enable them.  They make promises but don't keep them. They build up my hopes and then dash them back down. It's all a game & it's got to stop because it's putting baby at risk.  Are there any other grandparents out there who have gone through this? I'm really not sure what to expect from either of them when I approach them with this. I'm hoping they're cooperative, but know that anything is possible ~ including a violent outburst.  Both have been high for several days now. If I can catch my son when he's not high, I think he will be more reasonable. Best case scenario is both of them cooperating, but I think it's not likely.  I also realize that the statistics for them actually recovering are very low & that I will most likely need to retain custody of my grandchild for a long, long time; perhaps his entire life. It just rips my heart out to be put in this position.  I have to kick my son out - MY firstborn child and MY son, in order to protect HIS son.  No mother should ever have to make this decision.

[IBKleen]

I am sorry you are going through this and have to live with active addiction.

Where are they getting the money to get high? Last time I looked..it was expensive.

You know that you are enabling the both of them to live the life style they are. If they had no other choice they may seek help. Tough love is hard, but it also saves lives, including your own. this is no way for you to live either.

I hope it all works out for you and your family. I will say a prayer for you all.

[KKWilli]

Thank you for your response. That's one of the things I really don't know.  I have no idea how they get their money to get high.  I haven't noticed anything missing from my own house. I know my son leaves with one of his "friends".  I think he has one friend who is his main source and that friend has plenty of money, apparently.  I shudder to think how he may be paying for it.  Yes; please pray.  God has gotten me through so far & I know He's had His Hand of protection on my grandbaby from the moment he was conceived.  This is just so hard.............

[IBKleen]

I know sweetie. Again, I am so sorry. I also know you want to protect your son and your grandson. that is wonderful but please do not lose site of yourself.

Take care.

[Greatgreebo]

Stick to your guns and boot the both of them. They are old enough that they will either clean up ...or not. Either way, you can't do it for them. You need to be strong for the grandbaby. He can't protect himself and has no say in the way his life is going. You need to be his voice. Like IBKleen says, tough love is hard. It really is your only choice though.
Just take it one day at a time and protect yourself and the baby. By not enabling your son and the GF anymore you may save your son's life.
Take care and stay strong
Greebs

[KKWilli]

Thank you for your support; I need it desperately.  I know I'm doing the right thing, I just dread the whole "scene" when this all comes down.  

[johnnykelly]

Wow that was quite the story,i feel for you.You know intellectually what to do,but that doesant mean poop when it involves a loved one.You stated that you paid for the suboxone treatment,that was decent thing to do,unfortunately the son and g/f are not in the recovery mode.Its diddicult enough when all parties are on the same page.You are an excwellent grandparent and seem to be a logical choice for some form of custody.i hope the two of them can think of their child instead of their arm/nose Keep up the good work John

[CATUF]

If you haven't already, you might try ALANON -- There will no doubt be people there who have gone through similar situations and will be able to offer good ideas.  Moreover, they are a great source of general support and Recovery for the "other side" of addiction.

I think you're doing the right thing.  And sometimes all you can do is just the next right thing, and then the next right thing after that.  If you just keep on doing the next right thing, pretty soon you and your grandson will be in the right place.

My prayers are with all of you.

CATUF

[TJack]

Oh Hon, do i ever feel for you and this situation you are in.  You are doing the right thing trying to watch out for your little grandson.  Please keep posting so we know what happens.  I will keep you in my prayers as well.  Maybe they both will see the light and that this baby is better off in your care and not with them while they are into the drugs.  Hang in there.  TJack

[KKWilli]

thank you all.  I am a nervous wreck about all of this because I am really worried about their reaction. I'm hoping to get the paperwork today from the attorney so that I will actually have it on hand when I approach them. The timing couldn't be worse; taking their baby and booting them out 2 weeks before Christmas, but I've allowed this to go on for far too long already; every day hoping against hope and praying and praying that they're going to get better. I don't sleep at night because I hear every little noise in my house due to listening for the baby because he sleeps in his parents' bedroom. I wish I could take custody & work a plan with them.  I've gone through different scenarios and possibilities as I'm sure all of you can imagine.  At first, I thought about telling them they could live there, but my grandson would be under my constant supervision & would be going to daycare while I'm at work & telling them AGAIN they had to get jobs & get clean, or.................... etc., but I know from the past 18 months that a plan such as that would just prolong the inevitable.  They are going to continue bringing heroine into my house, undesirable "friends" who also use into my house (when I'm not home, of course), etc.  I also have a 17 y.o. daughter that I have to be concerned about & she is about at the end of her stress rope with all of this as well; not to mention the influence & the danger of it all to her.  She hates what her brother is doing.  She hates the way heroine makes him act.  He is hateful and mean to her & takes out his frustrations on her.  I'm glad I've found this forum because I have no one in my family or circle of friends who has gone through this. My family is supportive & they love my son very much & none have turned their back on him or even so much as given him a lecture, but my son hates himself & therefore thinks everyone in the family does, too.  I'm sure that's all part of the guilt he feels for not being able to kick his habit.  He's told me that when he's clean, that's when he hates himself the most?   My ex-husband is a recovering alcoholic serving a 15 year sentence.  He went to prison when my son was at a very impressionable age; just shy of being 15 y.o.  I know that my son's emotional issues behind his addiction are directly tied to his refusal to come to terms with the destruction of our family & the incarceration of his dad.  He's refused counselling in the past.  His dad is doing well in prison and despite being able to get any kind of illicit substance he wants on the inside, he is staying sober and even teaching substance abuse classes.  He has tried talking to our son, too, in phone conversations and through letters.  I completely understand at this point, though, that it is completely & totally up to my son to WANT it bad enough for himself.  I will keep you all posted. I know this is going to be a very long process & it's nice to know I've found a few friends on here.  thank you again.

[IBKleen]

Please keep in touch. You are going through a very difficult time and there is always someone here for you.

Take care of yourself.

[KKWilli]

Thank you.  I'm trying.  Thank GOD I've never had to struggle with addiction personally.  Watching my ex-husband ruin his life with alcohol was horrible, but watching my firstborn son risking his life with this heroine addiction definitely takes its toll on my emotional well-being.  Not to mention watching what it is doing to my daughter's stress levels and knowing that even though my grandbaby is only 5 months old, he senses when things aren't good.  I need to start exercising and eating right.  Last night around 9:30, I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day.  I could stand to lose 30 pounds, but I don't want to lose it due to stress.   I'm also trying to read at night to help me wind down.  This is just the worst possible time of year for all of this to be coming to a head, but I do firmly believe in God's timing, so, I'm trying to have faith.  

[Givitup]

Have you thought of attending Naranon or Alanon for much needed support.    Regardless of why you son has a problem, it is still his responsibility to get help.  We  all have reason for for the baggage we carry but it is not okay to unload it on others and not take any responsbility in getting better.  You are correct to say you are enabling both of them.  I tried to help my ex-husband with his addictions and I can tell you nothing helped!  He had to learn in his own way and the hard way.  He is serving a 4 year sentence in prision.   At least now he has a chance of a better life.  One free of drugs.   I always thought it would be horrible if he ended up in jail but today, I am glad he is at least clean and not killing himself.  

[KKWilli]

Yes, I have considered going to Alanon.  My ex has tried to encourage our kids to go for several years, & he recently suggested it for me.  My mom has a friend who has also been suggesting I go ever since I left my ex 7 years ago.  I do have the meeting places & times for my community.  I'm hoping and praying I can get my son & his girlfriend out & then settle into a more relaxed routine with the baby & start taking better care of myself, my grandson, AND my daughter.  I'm hoping to get her to agree to go to meetings with me.  

[KKWilli]

Oh, & I agree that prison can be a life saver.  I truly believe it saved my ex's life.  Had he not been put behind bars, he would've either drank himself to death, had some kind of accident, or been murdered by someone else for stupid things he did while he was drunk.  He's been in for a little over 5 years & will probably serve another 3 & I'm sure I would shudder to know all of the things he's been through inside, but at least he's alive & healthy now & has a good reason to get out and lead a sober life.  

[GoingToMakeIt]

Oh I feel for you. You are definitely caught between a rock and a hard place! Tough love is the way to go. It seems you are already taking the right course of action. If there is one common thread here it is....unless they desire and choose to get free from these drugs. They won't! It is the nature of addiction. There is lots of help and info here for you (and them). It is time to take action, both for your grand baby AND your daughter! You don't want that kind of influence around your home. Heroin is very illegal. Have you thought of the consequences of a police arrest in your home. This could cause you quite a problem since it is your house. I am praying for you.
Stay connected with us here. There is a lot of support here for you. Good Luck!

[KKWilli]

Yes; I have a fear of the police coming in because of my son & his g.f.'s drug use. Even though they have both been clearly instructed that they better not have that **** in my house, I know I'd probably still be in big trouble if there were an arrest.  That's why I have to make a move NOW, before anything like that happens.  Many of my family members, friends, and my fiance', have been worried sick about that happening, or about my son getting involved with a bad drug deal & someone ending up breaking down my front door with a gun.  It's just so hard for me to understand how my son can deny the risks he is imposing on our home; not to mention on his own precious baby.  I guess his brain is so messed up from the heroine that he just doesn't think clearly.

[GoingToMakeIt]

Stick to your decisions. I am sorry that it had to come to this. Tough love is hard. I assure you that you are making the right decision. You have to look after your daughter & yourself! Stay in touch. We are here for you.

[KKWilli]

Well, I took my son out by himself last night & talked to him about what's been going on.  I told him I wanted him to sign custody over of my grandbaby & told him that another couple has been considering calling DCFS.  Talked about their drug use & how concerned I am for baby's safety & how concerned I am that when baby's Mom gets that car from her Mom that she'll run off with my grandson the first time she gets p.o.  off at him.  He told me there was no way his g.f. would give me custody of the baby & that she'd be on the phone with her Mom & they'd be gone by morning.  He asked me to please just give him the opportunity to talk to her & convince her that they needed to get clean or sign custody over.  He said if I gave her an ultimatum like "sign him over tonight or the State will come in tomorrow", that she would run with him for sure.  He asked me to give them random drug tests to prove they're staying off drugs before I move forward with my plan.  We talked some about why he keeps using & I told him he needs to stop keeping things bottled up & needs to talk about what's going on & needs to deal with the **** that happened with his Dad & put it behind him.  He talked about hating himself for believing his Dad & wanting to go live with him & backing his Dad instead of me & I told him that yes; that hurt me very much, worse than the divorce, but that that is behind us & we have to forget about that **** and move on.  I've been reading more about children of prisoners and one of the common issues kids have is self-loathing & horrible self esteem.  I talked to the g.f. when we got back home & told her that I'm concerned for baby's safety & told her that neither of them take care of him right when they're high & that it cannot continue because he is going to end up getting hurt.  I told her that if she ever saw ME walking around high with that baby, she'd be mad & that I wish she could see herself when she's like that.  I told her that if they didn't both get clean that they were going to lose custody of the baby & told her that I was going to start giving them random drug tests to make them accountable.  I found a website that has reasonable tests.  She wasn't high yesterday, but my son was.  I hate myself for not sticking to my guns with the original plan, but I will also hate myself if she takes off with that baby and we lose contact with him.  He won't be in any less danger if she leaves with him; he'll probably be in more.  I've seen what can happen when your kids get caught up "in the system".  Stupid St. Louis County courts gave my ex, who had been accused of 4 counts of serious offenses against a 12 y.o. neighbor girl, unsupervised visitation with my kids.  My son's g.f.  has a sister who ran off with guys she met at some concert and now she lives somewhere far away - like Colorado or something.  If g.f.  called one of them & had someone meet her somewhere or come and pick her up, God only knows how we'd ever find my grandbaby again.  At least now, I'm there to monitor what's going on every day, although not 24/7, & my daughter is there to also help with the baby.  What if the state intervenes and he ends up in one of those foster homes you see about on the news where the parents are in it for the money and neglect or abuse the kid themselves!???  That one couple had their dozen kids sleeping in cages & it went on for years before it was ever brought out.  All of this is just taking its toll and making me sick inside. I have GOT to start going to some Al-Anon meetings.  My fiance' is going to be so frustrated & mad at me for not sticking to my guns, but he just doesn't understand how afraid I am of my decision taking a tragic turn for the worse.  I feel like I'm in a catch-22; probably because I am.  
Anyway, I'll be ordering those drug tests from the internet & will be administering them in a couple of weeks.  I figure it will take that long for the **** to get out of their systems. G.F. told me she WANTS to work & that as soon as she gets that car from her Mom that she'll be going out putting in applications all over the place. She said she's tired of sitting in the house all the time & she thinks that's why she's so depressed & so crabby.   I've been concerned about her getting a car & taking off, but I guess if that was really her plan, she would've gone back to her Mom's already so she could have the car sooner & do it.  I guess I will, unfortunately, always have that hanging over my head, because she's the mother & she can leave whenever she wants & I can't stop her.  
I'm really beginning to wonder if I'll ever, ever, ever really be able to relax & enjoy my life & experience Peace again.  I feel like an idiot because I reach out to friends & family & let them know what's going on & talk to them (like all of you) about a plan I have & how determined I am to follow through with it, and then something changes my resolve (usually fear) & then I just feel like a failure & an idiot, but I find myself continually choosing the lesser of many evils to the best of my ability & sometimes that seems to change from day to day.  
Well, I just thought I'd give you an update after the posts I sent out yesterday.  If you think I'm nuts, I don't blame you.  I'm beginning to wonder myself.  I'm hoping I got through to them this time that I'm not playing games & that they're dangerously close to losing their baby, but I've learned not to get my hopes up about anything.  One thing is for sure, loving a drug addict really takes its toll on your faith, even when you think you're a strong Christian.  Thanks for listening.  

[oxygirl487]

your post just made me realize what i've done to my own mother....she,like u is a very strong woman but recently ive really brought her down...she thinks my addiction was her fault....even though it wasnt....as a mother myself i can understand why she'd fel that way....thanks for your post ...it lets us see how our  addictions affect the people who love us so much.......thank u

[KKWilli]

Well, if sharing my heart wrenching experiences can help anyone who is struggling with addiction understand what the people who love them are going through because of their addiction, perhaps I've made some small contribution.  My son is only 20 years old, though, & his baby is only 5 months & I don't think he has a clue what I'm going through as his Mom.  He only sees his own pain & his own struggle.  I love my son so much & I love his baby just as much & I love his g.f., too.  I've tried to get him to understand that I don't WANT to take his baby from him.  I'm 41 years old & don't have some overwhelming desire to raise another child at this point.  I'd love nothing more than to just enjoy being what I am - GRANDMA.  I raised 3 kids & it wasn't easy then & I know it's even harder now, especially if you throw in issues like "mommy & daddy are both drug addicts so I have to live with my grandma" & all of the psychological attachments with that on a child.  I want them both to be healthy & of a sound, clean, sober mind.  I want them to have their own home & be able to go visit my grandson or go pick him up and take him somewhere for the day or have him spend the night or the weekend and then take him back to his parents' loving, capable, open arms.  I am so afraid of making the wrong decision & also very tired of being the one who seemingly has to make all of the tough decisions.  There is overwhelming stress added by people who love ME and are worried about me & feel like I'm not making the right decisions.  It's so easy to stand on the outside when it's not YOUR child and say, "I'd just kick him out".  The people feeling that way have never worried that making that decision could backfire & make matters worse; that making that decision could cause more harm to THEIR grandbaby than a possible alternative.  Most of the people around me who get frustrated with me for not sticking to my guns or for not making the decisions they think I should are people who've NEVER had an addicted child & have never had a grandchild in the same situation mine is in.  Sometimes, I think I need to just STOP sharing any of my plans or any of my information with anyone on the outside because doing so actually only adds to my stress when the plan gets altered.  I know, I'm rambling.  Maybe I need to be on another thread with other parents?? Thank all of you for the support you've given me the past few days.  For those out there who pray; please keep me and my family in mind.  

[oxygirl487]

i wish my mom could get on here and talk to u....yeah i think u should maybe not share much with these people who love u....sounds like they r kinda judgemental...maybe u should just get on here and vent or do whatever u need to do.....do u feel like its your fault?   im asking this because my mom thinks its her fault that i WAS an addict (she just found out like 2 weeks ago) and if u do  what could ur son do or say toprove its not?   if your thinking its your fault all i can say is it isnt....i wish i knew what to tell my mom to make her feel better.....im sorry for your situation i feel for u greatly....im praying for u and your family.....god bless u

[KKWilli]

Well, I told my boss & he wasn't too judgmental.  He just said, "well, hopefully they understand that you're serious & this will be the wake-up call for them"  My brother just called & I told him a very short version of my change in plans (drug testing them & giving them another chance) & he didn't seem too judgmental.  My biggest worry is how my fiance' is going to react.  He's been wanting me to kick my son out for a long time & he gets tired of watching me being hurt & the stress of all of this really does put a strain on our relationship.  I'm just hoping he doesn't make me feel worse when I tell him tonight.  I'm really dreading it.  He can't help the way he feels.  He worries about me & wants to protect me from my son hurting me over and over and over again, but at the same time, he doesn't love my son the way I do & doesn't have the same connection, the same concerns, the same worries.  It's so hard to explain.  I didn't tell him until the last minute about my plan to ask the kids to sign over custody and I was SO adament that I was going to follow through with this.  Now, I just wish I never would've told him because he's going to feel like this is just one more threat I've failed to follow through on.  

[GoingToMakeIt]

I read your post & do not envy your position. You seem to have a very good handle on it. I like your levelheadedness. I will be praying for you and the entire family and situation. I also read your new profile. Very tough place they have put you in. If you ever need more direct talk or prayer, please email(send message) I need to go now. Keep us all posted.

[hopsing94]

That is one tough battle you have going on there. I too am now a grandparent and it took my daughter getting pregnant to get clean and I'm so proud of her for doing it. She was bad,hooked on crystal meth and anything else she could get her hands on. I found 7 can of glade in her room onetime. I'm like what the hell is all this glade for,well she was huffing it to get high. I'm lucky that she was smart enough to quit when she got pregnant and hasn't relapsed. Seems though that it runs in the family. Like father like daughter. I really hope things work out for you. Heroin is not an easy drug to quit (never did it) i've heard the horror stories. Sure wish there was more we could do for you. God has a way of making things work out though.