day 4 loosing it

[dessss]

You guys I'm on day 4 now and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. All I can think about is getting some pills. I actually drove around town for an hour, for what I dunno because I dont know anyone in this town. I feel like I cant control it. I cant stop crying, I feel helpless and hopeless. Is it going to end? What can I do? Physically I feel fine for now but mentally I'm driving myself insane.. I actually had an awake dream that it snowed percs.. Its messed up I just want it to go away. any suggestions

[avisg]

Day five is almost over then on to six then one more day and you will have a week over.Try to stay strong  and It is good that you dont know no were to get them. There is nothing wrong either saying that if you could use you would .It has only been six days and the six days have really sucked. Try to get some sleep tonight and tommorrow is a new day lets hope a better one . I will check in agian tommrow.
Avis

[dessss]

I am.. today is much worse than yesterday so I'm trying not to post to much. this is a total mind f....
I dont know weather I'm coming or going I just dont know what to do. Maybe I'm not ready to quit.. I dunno. One thing I Guess is working in my favor is not knowing anyone or having anywhere to go for stuff.. I'm sure if there was I woulda. I hate to admit it but I have to be honest with myself. I HATE THIS!! Any day 5 is almost over so  I'll see what day 6 brings.. Thanks so much for your concern it means the world..

[avisg]

I am just saying hi .Are ya still hanging in there . Let me know your OK.
Avis :)

[Deacon1974]

Check your Emai.

[dessss]

Check your inbox.

[dessss]

Thanks Opi, I couldnt go bike riding if I wanted too..LOL
Keep on hanging in there.

I'm on day 5, I'm not gonna lie it's not gettin any better yet.. someday hopefully.

:-)

[opi]

congrads on the 4 days.....i'm on 3 and 4 seems far away...i jumped on a mountain bike last night and just peddled my arse off(no direction).....sweat like a freaker got home showered and felt better...i was boucin off the walls last night and said fook it.....just ride man just ride.. that's all i have for ya....congradulations..peace....we can do it!........oh...i was blowing lunch while riding...lol...that was strange......my brain triggered some serious wd's...

[dessss]

put your mouse over my nickname and a popout will show then just choose send message. That'll work.
I'm so glad you got your mind to where you are. If I were you I wouldnt even be able to pick those pills up.. I'd be finished. I hope I'm ready to quit I feel like I am but who ever knows. I'm starting to jones again can you tell..LOL
I did manage to get the dishes done, and even put something besides sweats on. I'm doin it. If you cant figure out how to send a pm just email me dezkev @ gmail . com

[Deacon1974]

Even though I'm a California native I'm a HUGE Broncos so thought I'd ask.


Percs are my favorite too. I mostly took Vic's though. They gave me the energy I thought I needed to get through the day. Percs where my evening choice. Matter of fact my real test will be coming soon when a buddy of mine pays up on a bottle of 100 percs he owes me. See he used to give me unopened bottles of 100 10mgs percs twice a month. I plan on getting rid of them as soon as I pick them up. I can't have that kind of **** around me. I am the worst kind of fiend. Trust me, I'm pretty pathetic. That's why I'm so admiment about anyone being able to quit. You just have to be ready. If you're not ready and just WD because you're out you probably won't quit. Doesn't mean you've failed just means you're not ready. You'll get there. I could never picture my life without pills. I still can't believe I've been at work all week with 1 pill. It's mind boggling. Is there a way to send private messages here? If so tell me how. I'd like to send you one.

[Carrie76]

Don't mention it:) I'm here whenever you want:) God Bless to you too:)

[dessss]

takin anwhere from 10-15-20 perc 10s.. this time. I never quit but I always traded up and sometimes down. Like I went from percs to oxy to methadone and back to percs. I liked the percs the most. I dont feel like I'm going kuku right now with the cravings but now I'm craving energy. My place is a MESS. I need to bring myself to do dishes and it's like the end of the world.. I'm gonna make myself.. Did you get some L'tyrosine?? and vit. b-6?? I think for even a short period of time the L'tyrosine seems to work. You should try some.

I'm not a Broncos fan but DH is. I'm a STEELERS fan! I'm originally from Pittsburgh. Neither of us are from here we are just passing through. We are fulltime rvers so we travel ALLOT. We are headed to Casa Grande Az for the holiday season to sell pumpkins and trees.. Then we'll probably take off for jan and feb. It's fun but it leaves access to allot of docs and that has been the downfall..
Desaree

[Deacon1974]

Hey dessss, what were you taking and in what amts.? Broncos fan?

[dessss]

Good morning. It's still morning here. :-) Good luck today. It may get tough at times but coming here really worked for me yesterday.  Today is day 5 and I hafta be honest I feel just as bad today as yesterday as of now. Only difference is I'm REALLY tierd were yesterday I felt a serge of energy but for all the wrong reasons. I'm proud I made it here!
Your post above is an eyeopener. You have to be proud of you for stepping up to the plate and being a good daddy.. Kudos to you

[Deacon1974]

Hey Carrie, glad you can relate. I think if we keep running the thoughts of us in a coffin and our young children mentally destroyed for life we can get through this. I know it sounds weird but I want my baby to grow up as normal as possible and I want to be there for her graduation, marriage, and my first grandchildren. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. I just lost focus of that with all my drug use. Not to mention all the times I snapped at her in a vicodin rage or ignored her while I did my vicodin hobbies. Her biological mother is a drug addict (meth) and has not seen her in yrs. I used to say what a piece of **** her drug addict her mother was. Guess, I was just as big of one. Thanks for the kind words. It's getting easier each day. Good luck and God bless you and your babies.

[Carrie76]

Oh Deacon! Your post gave me the chills and brought tears to my eyes. Even though you wrote the post, as I read it was like I was reading something that I had wrote. You sound just like me. I too have tried many times to stop but it was all by myself without any med help or support like yau'll and I failed. But this time I know I HAVE to stop. Just in the past year of me taking my drug of choice, I have been having severe side cramps, I have had 6 kidney stones in the past 7 months, its extremely hard for me to even swallow ANY pill now..I gag every time like my body is trying to reject it, and this may be a little gross, but I have noticed that its extremely hard for me to have a bowel movement, takes like 15 minutes to just get out a small pebble. And too top it all off the area that your kidneys and liver are at are very sensitive and sore now. Looking at me you would think I was normal but I "KNOW" that I am dying and killing my organs. I may have even already caused damage to my liver or kidneys that is irreversable. I have 3 young kids also and I many times sit and cry knowing that if I dont stop they arent gonna have a mommy for very much longer and there is no one else that even could take them to raise them. I want to be there for them and I dont even wanna think about the emotional damage I would be doing to them if I did die. I'm all they have too. Their grandparents are way to old, their biological dad is out of the picture and all they have is me and their step-dad. I'm sorry, your post just touched me so much I had to write back:) Hang in there:)

[Deacon1974]

I've put pills away before and planned on quitting and never did. This is not the first time. I'm just more focused now than ever. Don't know what it is but I'm truly ready to stop. I think you have to get to that point. Once I started having pains on my side it scared the **** out of me. I'm raising my daughter and I sat back and wondered who would care for her like I do if something happened to me. The answer was no one. I'm all she has, my wife is her step mother. No one will care or love her like me. I can't leave her. Especially over a ******* pill! I've been where you all are, tossing and turning every night, lying and blowing money for more pills. I'm just done with it. It's like ending a relationship. It's not fun but you do it you'll be glad you did. Day 4 here. Feeling a little more tired than the last couple days but not too bad. Good luck all. I know it's hard, it's just been easier for me this time. I'm really focused. Support is very important. I've even filled a couple people in at work, so everyday they ask how I'm doing and I'm very happy to say "still clean". If people you're close to don't know tell them you're an addict. We obviously need to be looked after like children regarding this ****. Put your pride aside. I've actually told quite a few people. It helps, I've been lying for so long. God bless.

[azaddiction]

I say that "go out with a bang" like this forum a lot, so much of us are the same in different way's, I have real hard time tapering just don't want to be a basket case at work so i've tried really hard to at least have some till the end of the week, I have 1.5 left not 2, I too caved and took the 1/2 at the meeting with my son tonight, hate it but what can I say.  And I agree it is hard to read above that dude has 40 put away for weakness, but it is good he hasn't had the weakness yet, I would kill or even suck a big one now for even 10 pills, (wouldn't do that, not a crack hore, yet) all this is in fun by the way, hope no one takes offence.  Anyway I know were your at and I know where I'll be.  At least we are not alone, cuz it's so much harder.  Oops pardon the pun...

[dessss]

From what I've read day 4 is the worse. As you can see in my posts above. I think I lost a little bit of my marbles earlier. Thank Goodness for here I wouldnt have made it. PMS= like tylonol pms but just the pms. To help relax.. Silly thing is before the help me relax they give me a super surge of energy. I dunno why but it's what I needed because I need to shower. I had no desire an hour or so ago now I do.
I did go c/t. I have no willpower to taper I tried I tapered alright took my last 6 in one shot 4 days ago.
I looked at it like I might as well go out with a bang and that what I thought I was doing., It was a great few hours but all in all I'm glad '(cant believe i'm saying this) they are gone. I woulda caved today had I had any left and took them anyway..
Hopefully day 5 is gonna be better..

[azaddiction]

What are you talking about when you type pms?  I see you are further along then I am, I'm still at tapering only 2 left Vic's 10/650 I want now, but I did find the clonidine helped with anxiety, also have klonipin but just tired all the time want to sleep, I used to be on the tredmill everynight now can't even motivate myself to take a small walk to my car.  Sooo day four is the worst is that totally CT?  Are they saying day 5 would be better, I like this forum just hard to read that the worst is yet to come.  

[dessss]

Thank you.. I know I cant believe how physically easy this has been. I mean it's not cake but I went through methadone wds once for about 6 days before I started back on pills and that was H e L L!! physically I mean. I actually have been sleeping each night starting around 2am till 9 or so in the morning. I thank my lucky stars for that. For me it's menatal at this point "I hope"!! I find it harder than anything I've ever done. But I want it real bad. One good thing is I'm fed up with the feeling I was having earlier.. So I'm determinded to get over this. I'm just gonna keep hanging out here threw the drama, ups and downs and hopefully make some clean pals and get on with the life I shoulda been living all this time. Thanks for your support it means a bunch..
Hugz Desaree'

[grievingwidow]

You are doing great!  Hey, if you are doing well physically, boy you need to be thanking God right now!  I know the mental part is bad, but if you are not physically wanting to die from withdrawal, you are so very very lucky.  You must be over the worst part - you have it made now!  Anyways, girl, I am so proud of you!

Love, Cindy

[dessss]

ok I've ordered about 100$ worth of delievery food.... I'll eat my way outta this. I'm starting to realize all this afternoon of stress and wants and needs are so selfish.. Can I be hones I envy Deacon.. Big time. I said I was gonna taper last week when I purchased 80 pills from a bar gal. I went to the bar to watch the STEELERS "big fan" and ended up scoring 80 that was I think the 15th. I wanted to taper I tried to taper well 4 days ago I ran out almost 5 now and I swore I would give it my best effort. In 13 years I've not made it 4 days so I'm pretty proud right now. Not proud of the fact that I just had a meltdown but proud I made it threw and I did it with yalls help and my courage or whatever you wanna call it. this is an unbelievable small town maybe for the best but they dont have the amount of na meetings i'd like. I woulda went this afternoon hadthey.. I'm sick of jonesing.. I hate it but I MADE IT THROUGH what tonight threw at me.. I'll hope to do the same tomorrow.. took my clondine and about to hit the pms and hope for the best.
Thanks again all cant wait for the pizza and kickers to arrive.....

[tzt2lady]

Hang in there hun.   Day 4 could be the worse day of wds.  Why are you shaking?  Is it the wds?  You said you felt fine physically so I was wondering.   Noone needs anything but support at this point in the wd process and we all have our own way of doing things.  If I would have had any pills within my reach I would have taken them....................I had to have no pills available and cut my ties by telling my dr I wanted to stay off them.   Anyone who loves me I could have manipulated out of the pills.

I admire your determination.   A support group would be great and there are different kinds.   Smart recovery, NA, pills anonymous, personal therapy, whatever.   And there is always us! (smile)

Best of luck and good job NOT copping!

TZT

[lunachick]

well NA will help you feel less alone...So will meeting the right people on here. Those who won't judge you and simply just want to lend an ear. There are many kind people on here....sometimes they just get lost in the shuffle. You are doing an excellent job..