Aa
husband and cocaine
Hello. I'm worried about my husband. We've been married for 7 years and have two small kids. Last week I found cocaine on my desk while i was working. Obviously he was so sloppy while using he forgot to clean up after himself. I do know what night he took the drug, because my son woke up around 1am and i noticed my husband was in the office on the computer. I was surprised he was up so late and thought it was odd at the time but didn't put 2 and 2 together until i found it the next day.
I had no clue he was still doing coke. I do know years ago he had dabbled in it but I never saw signs of problems with him, he never ever brought the stuff around me. Now that i've found this stuff I fear he's doing it behind my back and knows how to manage it without me knowing. That scares me to death and also makes me feel that I really don't know him as well as I thought. He said its only been this one time recently that he was tempted to do it but for some reason I don't believe him. Are there any signs that I can look out for to give me more clues as to if he's using this often? I don't know what to look for other than sniffy nose or staying up/not sleeping. I need advice on this one. I've never touched cocaine and don't know what to look for. Do some people occassionally do this stuff once a year or is that impossible?
I had no clue he was still doing coke. I do know years ago he had dabbled in it but I never saw signs of problems with him, he never ever brought the stuff around me. Now that i've found this stuff I fear he's doing it behind my back and knows how to manage it without me knowing. That scares me to death and also makes me feel that I really don't know him as well as I thought. He said its only been this one time recently that he was tempted to do it but for some reason I don't believe him. Are there any signs that I can look out for to give me more clues as to if he's using this often? I don't know what to look for other than sniffy nose or staying up/not sleeping. I need advice on this one. I've never touched cocaine and don't know what to look for. Do some people occassionally do this stuff once a year or is that impossible?
I have split form my husband 6 months ago because of his cocaine addiction and the behaviour that went along with that. We had been together 12 years and married for 6 and have a 3 year old son. I never thought the day would come where I would actually have the balls to stand up and tell him to go and he knew that too and played on my forgiving good nature and the fact I loved him sooooo much. He wasn't bad all the time and never physically abusive which is what made it worse, I would just start to trust him and once again he would let us down. Steal money from the bank account (in the end I slept with the card under my pillow) sold our video camera, digital camera, other family members possesions.....These things would happen one at a time, each time I found out I would confront him and each time he would break down go to the doctors say he wanted help and then never follow it through. Our marriage turned into this cycle over and over promises that things would work out. I put up with these things and kept them to myself as much as i could. The other thing that got to me was that he was just so unreliable saying he would go for a quick drink after work (he always held down his job) and then not come home. The amount of times I sat up crying wating for him to come in Urgh! In the end I just had enough, I looked at my friends relationships and looked at my own, all of the things that went on were not Normal behaviour and things were not changing or getting better and I just thought would I be happier living with him like this or living on my own. One day we had a row and he said "you're too good for me I should just go" (a sentence that he said nearly everytime we had a row and normally I would beg him to sort it out and get well and stay with me) and I said "you know what I think you should." He is now living in a flat share with another guy he sees our son occasionally and me and my son are getting on with our lives. Of course I was upset but nothing like I was when he was at home. I actually felt relief that I didnt have to worry about him constantly. He still goes up and down, one minute he is saying he is doing well and is over me and the next he wants us to try again. One day he looks well another time I see him he looks awful. This is very hard but I know I have made the right desision and will not go back on it. I dont think you can ever tell anyone to get out of a relationship but hopefully there comes the day that you say enough is enough, you cannot change them or make them better even by PUTTING them into rehab, they have to really want to do it for themselves. I also believe there is no point trying to analyse what is going on in an addicts head because you just cant understand it. I always thought if you loved me youd stop if you loved our son youd stop. I do think he loves us both but the addiction makes him a selfish liar and drugs come first. Anyway life goes on I have met a nice guy and we are taking things very slowly. I find it hard to trust people now because I have been lied to so many times but life is sooo much better now than it was before. Good luck to all those people in a relationship with an addict....dont waste your lives worry about them and trying to help them..worry about yourself and help yourself and your kids if you have any. Sorry might sound a bit harsh but thats the way I feel.
1 Comments
Stay strong. You did the right thing for you and your son. Believe in yourself.get support fr all anon or co dependent anonymous. Sorry you still have to deal with him because of your son and that your son still has to see his daddy.
Hi my husband introduced me to coke 3 mos ago.
Now looking back i realize that was so he could do his habit without feeling as guilty.we have two kids and he is up late and gets really moody.
i after 3 mos quit cold turkey.. he is now alone in his disease.
And i am sure he wishes i still did it.
before i never knew what signs to look for now that i have done it i now know the sighns.
up late,moody,nasl spray is his companion.
That is a real sign!!!
hope to have shed a little light for you?
D
Now looking back i realize that was so he could do his habit without feeling as guilty.we have two kids and he is up late and gets really moody.
i after 3 mos quit cold turkey.. he is now alone in his disease.
And i am sure he wishes i still did it.
before i never knew what signs to look for now that i have done it i now know the sighns.
up late,moody,nasl spray is his companion.
That is a real sign!!!
hope to have shed a little light for you?
D
I am in the same situation. I would love to know what I can do. The difference, my husband is always providing for us, he has his own business, he always gets me everything I need/want. But he lies. I know every symptom and sign, and he still lies! UGH! Help. How can I leave someone who only goes through this once a week, maybe twice if it's 'one of those weeks.' But it's not every night. It's not even EVERY weekend. But I am so tired of the lying and deceit.
1 Comments
The lying and deceit will never stop. Neither will the addiction. It will get worse. You can stay and be miserable and mistrustful and have your feeling manipulated by this person or get out grow up grow strong and be happy.
Frustrated404, you need to do 2 things. First, confront him. I guarantee you he's not using just once/week or less, my guess is that it's at least every other day if not almost every day. Cocaine is expensive, many businesses have essentially gone up the owner's nose because it leads to poor performance, sloppy work, and large sums of $ being spent. It also tends to put you around less than desirable people on a regular basis. You know that he lies to you, probably on a regular basis. What does he lie about? Is he cheating on you? Is he hiding his spending from you? Is he in charge of all the finances? If so, you need to be diligent in trying to assess your financial picture. Credit cards may start to get maxed out, maybe a 2nd mortgage on the house, new CC's may show up, etc....
I am going through something similar. I have been married for over 3 years, together with her for 8. I had herniated discs in my back, 3 unsuccessful surgeries, and a nasty 2 year battle with pain meds. I took percocet, oxycontin, vicodin, etc... for pain for the past 2 years. It was legit, doctors scripts and paid by insurance and the pain was real. I got hooked, and became distant and aloof. I ignored my wife, I stopped being social, I became lazy around the house. Her and I both work full time, I'm a professional for a big corporation and she's a teacher, so it didn't affect my job to the extent it did my marriage, but it didn't help either. Anyway, after about 2 years of me ignoring her, my wife found a friend over the summer that she cheated on me with, according to her only kissing a couple times, but who knows. At that same time I was going cold turkey off my meds. I wanted my life back, I wanted to feel things again. I've been successful (it's been since the beginning of July) up to this point and do feel much better, but my wife cheated on me and I can't trust her. I put some of that blame on me, I probably chose the pills over her on occassions and made her feel unimportant and less than beautiful. While this wasn't a financial strain per se, I would be less than completely open about all the finances, and we didn't travel as much as we could or should have, and we also had to be frugal a couple months to stay above water, but $ was never much of an issue. The point is that I can't trust her, and you can't trust him. Once that's gone it's not coming back, not next week, next year, or ever. Your marriage is essentially over, it's just not official. You need to look out for yourself now. Confront your husband, offer him help (rehab etc...), and tell him what you know and what you suspect. If he agrees then great, get him clean and sober and then file for divorce once he's out of the woods. If he rebuffs your offer then call a lawyer immediately and file for divorce. He could lose everthing w/a nasty coke habit, and he can do it quickly. You need to get out fast and with a financial foundation for your life after marriage. It sucs to hear, and I didn't want to hear it either, but ultimately can you spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust who lies to you regularly and is addicted to a very powerful, very expensive drug? Trust is the most important thing in a marriage, I have never seen 2 people who don't trust each other have a successful marriage, throw in drugs and you should be running for the hills. I hope things work out for you, but you need to act sooner rather than later, the longer you wait the worse it will be for both of you.
I am going through something similar. I have been married for over 3 years, together with her for 8. I had herniated discs in my back, 3 unsuccessful surgeries, and a nasty 2 year battle with pain meds. I took percocet, oxycontin, vicodin, etc... for pain for the past 2 years. It was legit, doctors scripts and paid by insurance and the pain was real. I got hooked, and became distant and aloof. I ignored my wife, I stopped being social, I became lazy around the house. Her and I both work full time, I'm a professional for a big corporation and she's a teacher, so it didn't affect my job to the extent it did my marriage, but it didn't help either. Anyway, after about 2 years of me ignoring her, my wife found a friend over the summer that she cheated on me with, according to her only kissing a couple times, but who knows. At that same time I was going cold turkey off my meds. I wanted my life back, I wanted to feel things again. I've been successful (it's been since the beginning of July) up to this point and do feel much better, but my wife cheated on me and I can't trust her. I put some of that blame on me, I probably chose the pills over her on occassions and made her feel unimportant and less than beautiful. While this wasn't a financial strain per se, I would be less than completely open about all the finances, and we didn't travel as much as we could or should have, and we also had to be frugal a couple months to stay above water, but $ was never much of an issue. The point is that I can't trust her, and you can't trust him. Once that's gone it's not coming back, not next week, next year, or ever. Your marriage is essentially over, it's just not official. You need to look out for yourself now. Confront your husband, offer him help (rehab etc...), and tell him what you know and what you suspect. If he agrees then great, get him clean and sober and then file for divorce once he's out of the woods. If he rebuffs your offer then call a lawyer immediately and file for divorce. He could lose everthing w/a nasty coke habit, and he can do it quickly. You need to get out fast and with a financial foundation for your life after marriage. It sucs to hear, and I didn't want to hear it either, but ultimately can you spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust who lies to you regularly and is addicted to a very powerful, very expensive drug? Trust is the most important thing in a marriage, I have never seen 2 people who don't trust each other have a successful marriage, throw in drugs and you should be running for the hills. I hope things work out for you, but you need to act sooner rather than later, the longer you wait the worse it will be for both of you.
Thank you for your words. I really appreciate them. To go into further detail, my husband and I have been together for 4 years. Married for 6 months. About 3 years ago I found that he was using coke. He confronted him about it and he denied it, until I kept bugging him and he fessed up. He promised he would stop. I was always sckeptical of that because I grew up with a drug addict brother and I know better. So I sat back until I started to realize what the signs were. I can now read him like a book. About a year ago he had me try it. I hated it, but it did give me a better understanding of what to look for, and smell for, on a regular basis. It often smells like gasoline. Crazy! He talks out of the side of his mouth and it happens as soon as he takes one bump of it. I think he wanted me to try it so that he wouldn't feel guilty about doing it. I did it maybe three more times after that and haven't touched it since. I just don't like the way it makes me feels. He doesn't understand that.
So, so say he might be doing it more often than I know... I don't think is true. He gets so annoyed when I call him out on it. He doesn't understand how I know he is doing it. Just recently (past 4 months or so), he has started to lie about it and deny up and down when I call him out on it. Until I just bug the **** out of him (which I hate doing because I feel like his mother when I do that), then he will tell me. I hate that he tried to lie to me about it!!!
Just a couple of nights ago, what triggered me to start looking online for advice, we were out watching the baseball game. I was tired and wanted to go home (9:30). He said that he wouldn't be late and he would be home around 10:30. Yeah right I thought to myself because he never comes home when he says he will (because he loses track of time when he does powder). To my surprise he came home at 10:35. I was so shocked that I was ready to reward him with a back massage. But no sooner than I thought that he was asking if he could run and meet his friend (we will name him Bob). I know that Bob is the person he gets his pot and poder from. He says that Bob is out of pot and since he always helps him out he wanted to go give him some of his pot for a trade of two percocets. I told him to give me his phone because I wanted to see these texts from "Bob." He gave it to me after a fight and I looked through it. It was so coded up with **** that I couldn't understand it well. I told him I was no idiot and he must be going to get coke. He insisted up and down that he wasn't and how he really wanted to help Bob out this time. He went back and forth on whether he was going to go (because of me) but he finally went. I told him it was a scketchy situation and I wanted him to come home right away. My husband told me since this was on his terms, that he would drop it off and come right back. Over an hour later I called him to find out where he was. He said he was on his way home. I stayed on the phone with him to make sure of this, and he was. When he got home I could instantly tell that he had been doing coke. Not a lot, but some (I can tell). I called him out on it and he lied up and down, telling me how crazy I was and I didn't know what I was talking about. At this point I threatened to leave him and go to my parents. I went over all of these things he was doing and how he was lying to me all the time. I then asked him if I was wrong in anything that I said, and he said "no, you're right." I even reiterated the coke thing and he admitted.
I told him that he needs to get his stuff together. I told him that if he didn't change then I would leave him and not to think for a moment that I would tell everyone the real reason for leaving him. He didn't seem to like that very much since his parents are the socialites of our community. He knows the consequences of that. He said he would make the change. But he has said that so many times!!!
This was all on Sunday night. I told him at that time that we were going to talk on Monday when we weren't heated and he wasn't high. He agreed. of course when I came home from work on Monday he had Filet Minon wrapped in bacon and an amazing dinner ready for me. He was buttering me up. I brought that to his attention and he sarcastically denied it. We talked for about 2 minutes (no joke) and he said there didn't seem to be much to talk about that it just seems like he has to do the changing. And he wouldn't take it any further.
Today, I was out of money, literally out of money. he turned around and just gave me $120. How am I supposed to leave my husband who isn't abusive, he sweet, doesn't seem to do this on a regular basis (but he might be according to you), provides for me, makes sure I have everything I need, takes care of our home, etc.
I do all of the finances in the house. I do the business paperwork and the personal. So I already know exactly what is happening with the money. And it doesn't seem to be disappearing at an amazingly fast rate. I know where he keeps his powder and can see how long it takes him to go through it. BUT I STILL DON'T LIKE IT. Even if he DOES only do it every once in a while. It causes him to lie. I don't think he cheats on me at all. I just hate this lying (and the fact that he always tells me he will be home at a certain time and I often have to go calling him 10 times to find him, or show up at his friends' house at 4:00am). It drives me crazy.
Am I nuts? I am so confused! I know that he "dabbled" before we started dating 4 yrs. ago. So it's been longer than 4 yrs. But I just started being able to recognize all of the signs 2 yrs. ago.
I just don't know what to do. I know that people have it worse than I. Do I just wait and see if he actually changes? What if he doesn't. UGH!?!?!??!!?
So, so say he might be doing it more often than I know... I don't think is true. He gets so annoyed when I call him out on it. He doesn't understand how I know he is doing it. Just recently (past 4 months or so), he has started to lie about it and deny up and down when I call him out on it. Until I just bug the **** out of him (which I hate doing because I feel like his mother when I do that), then he will tell me. I hate that he tried to lie to me about it!!!
Just a couple of nights ago, what triggered me to start looking online for advice, we were out watching the baseball game. I was tired and wanted to go home (9:30). He said that he wouldn't be late and he would be home around 10:30. Yeah right I thought to myself because he never comes home when he says he will (because he loses track of time when he does powder). To my surprise he came home at 10:35. I was so shocked that I was ready to reward him with a back massage. But no sooner than I thought that he was asking if he could run and meet his friend (we will name him Bob). I know that Bob is the person he gets his pot and poder from. He says that Bob is out of pot and since he always helps him out he wanted to go give him some of his pot for a trade of two percocets. I told him to give me his phone because I wanted to see these texts from "Bob." He gave it to me after a fight and I looked through it. It was so coded up with **** that I couldn't understand it well. I told him I was no idiot and he must be going to get coke. He insisted up and down that he wasn't and how he really wanted to help Bob out this time. He went back and forth on whether he was going to go (because of me) but he finally went. I told him it was a scketchy situation and I wanted him to come home right away. My husband told me since this was on his terms, that he would drop it off and come right back. Over an hour later I called him to find out where he was. He said he was on his way home. I stayed on the phone with him to make sure of this, and he was. When he got home I could instantly tell that he had been doing coke. Not a lot, but some (I can tell). I called him out on it and he lied up and down, telling me how crazy I was and I didn't know what I was talking about. At this point I threatened to leave him and go to my parents. I went over all of these things he was doing and how he was lying to me all the time. I then asked him if I was wrong in anything that I said, and he said "no, you're right." I even reiterated the coke thing and he admitted.
I told him that he needs to get his stuff together. I told him that if he didn't change then I would leave him and not to think for a moment that I would tell everyone the real reason for leaving him. He didn't seem to like that very much since his parents are the socialites of our community. He knows the consequences of that. He said he would make the change. But he has said that so many times!!!
This was all on Sunday night. I told him at that time that we were going to talk on Monday when we weren't heated and he wasn't high. He agreed. of course when I came home from work on Monday he had Filet Minon wrapped in bacon and an amazing dinner ready for me. He was buttering me up. I brought that to his attention and he sarcastically denied it. We talked for about 2 minutes (no joke) and he said there didn't seem to be much to talk about that it just seems like he has to do the changing. And he wouldn't take it any further.
Today, I was out of money, literally out of money. he turned around and just gave me $120. How am I supposed to leave my husband who isn't abusive, he sweet, doesn't seem to do this on a regular basis (but he might be according to you), provides for me, makes sure I have everything I need, takes care of our home, etc.
I do all of the finances in the house. I do the business paperwork and the personal. So I already know exactly what is happening with the money. And it doesn't seem to be disappearing at an amazingly fast rate. I know where he keeps his powder and can see how long it takes him to go through it. BUT I STILL DON'T LIKE IT. Even if he DOES only do it every once in a while. It causes him to lie. I don't think he cheats on me at all. I just hate this lying (and the fact that he always tells me he will be home at a certain time and I often have to go calling him 10 times to find him, or show up at his friends' house at 4:00am). It drives me crazy.
Am I nuts? I am so confused! I know that he "dabbled" before we started dating 4 yrs. ago. So it's been longer than 4 yrs. But I just started being able to recognize all of the signs 2 yrs. ago.
I just don't know what to do. I know that people have it worse than I. Do I just wait and see if he actually changes? What if he doesn't. UGH!?!?!??!!?
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
