I'm new here...

[peanut_11905]

I've been lingering around this Forum for a couple of weeks now and I decided to post, for the time, tonight. I am an addict! (whew, I finally got that off my chest!) I am addicted to Vicodin/Norco. About 150-200mg per day, give or take. It all started a couple of years ago but this past year has snowballed out of control. I've cut back, Took 18 5/500 today. I know this is destroying me inside and out and I am so tired of living this life. I plan on kinda of doing a cold turkey/ taper, if that makes sense? I plan on taking just enough to keep me "well" so I can do just my daily mandatory things I need to do. As long as I can atleast get the kids off to school then that's all my goal will be for the next week. I am so, so sick of this addiction controlling every move I make or don't make for that matter. I have no idea how I got to this dark, lonely, guilt eating me alive HE11. I know I got myself into this mess but I sure as he11 plan on getting myself out of it. I have everything a woman could dream of, We're not rich or even wealthy for that matter but, 3 gorgeous children, we own our own home, nice cars and what would look like the "American Dream" but that isn't the case. I secretly run around chasing those stupid things and I have spent I probably don't even know how much on them. I think I realized today that I am more addicted to the routine than actually taking the pills? I feel like I don't know or wouldn't know how to live any other way. I want  nothing more than to just STOP. I wish I had never, ever taken one. But, here I am... ADDICTED. I pretty much know what I need to do and how I'm going to do it I just really need some support and encouragement. I only have 4 pills left and once they are gone that's it. I know 4 isn't going to "help" me very much but I feel like at this point I'm tired of all of this. so tired that I don't even have the mental strength to go out "hunting" as I call it. So, this is my story. I hope it all makes sense. I'm so down right. I feel like I've wasted so much time and missed out on so many opportunitys to create beautiful memories and I have. I feel like I've screwed everything up and, again, I have. Will I ever stop feeling like a loser,junky,pos mother & wife etc. etc.? I and 150% dedicated to getting my life back and I know in my heart that this is it! This is really the time it's going to happen for me. Earlier as I sat here debating on whether I was going to post or not i realized something else... I feel like this is a realationship that's ending and I almost feel sad in a way? Isn't that obsurd? Well, I guess this is it for my first post. I do want to say that I have read many, many posts and you all are amazing! Coming together the way you all do for complete strangers is a beautiful thing. I hope to become a part of it. Congratulations to you all and all of your clean time! Even to those tapering, It takes alot of strength for you all to do what you're doing. Keep up the good work! Thank you for letting me ramble =) I do feel a bit better now. Thanks again, All!

-Peanut

[IwillDoThis]

Welcome, I'm so glad you posted. I understand the routine or ritual of the pills, it was very much that for me, even though it no longer helped my pain it was like getting up to a friend - ugh.  You are not a loser or pos and I think you have a really great attitude about it, you have a plan now which is further than you've gotten before so I just wanted to say hi, send some encouragement your way!  

[Bkitty]

Hey Peanut,,,I commented on you other post! Just wanted to say welcome!! Congrats on getting you life back! All the pain and misery you have the next few days are sooo worth it in the end. Its not easy at all but you have the will. I wish you the best as you embark on this journey. Look forward to seeing your posts!! I think your new knickname should be "Power to the Peanut!!"((Hugs))~Bkitty

[Elmijack15]

Congrats on taking the first step! We're right here for you! I'm tapering and using Xanax also from my mom to help me through and it calms me right  down, just don't want to trade one addiction for another though so only take if you need it!  You CAN and will do it!

[peanut_11905]

Wow! Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my story and responding so quickly! It's about 8am here and I've been up for awhile. I knew the WD's would come pretty fast. Usually about 6-8 hrs. after my last dose is when I start feeling them. I'm going to to heading out to the store to get the things for the thomas recipe. I know that's going to help TONS. I've never had a plan before, and now I do! That's really cool...
I finally feel like it's giong to really happen, I'm really going to kick these da** things! The kids are off to school so, I'm going to try to get my crazy emotions out before they get home. I really don''t want them to know so I'm going to try my best to not let them find out, My husband doesn't even know! I've been kinda feeling him out tho, I want to tell him so bad and I will...eventually. I also had a question, on the thomas recipe list it says Valium or other benzo, My mother is prescribed Xanax, should I get a couple from her to have on hand in case I start to lose it? I've only taken a half of a Xanax once and it did help so should I? I can't even begin to tell you all how excited I am to start living again. I really need to try to not beat myself up so bad but I can't believe I am this person =( I know I'm going in the right direction here and I don't believe that I just stumbled upon this forum. I believe God kinda nudged me here lol like, Go on, It's ok... like a child's first day of school lol Thanks again you guys and I will be posting ALOT! If you guys have any questions you'd like to ask, feel free to do so and any advice or even telling me your story is encouraged and truly appreciated! Thank You Guys!!!!!!

[jlannspr]

Great start. I also have a wonderful life, great boyfriend, great job, and a HUGE secret. I was addicted to hydrocodene, vics, whatever I could get, easily spending $800 a month. Prepare yourself for the ups and downs. Just know that the downs will become less and less over time. Don't quit reading on here and posting; I made that mistake and relapsed. I'm back on track with 16 days clean now. These few days are nothing compared to having the rest of your life back. Go forward from now on!

[Shauna13]

Peanut
Big hugs and welcome!
I wa in you shoes, a coupke weeks ago...same pink pony and fuzzy bears fantastic life, yet attached to the little pils that I genuinely believed were enhancing me as a mom, an employee, a wife, etc. A very sincere woman here told me on my first post that I obviously want my life back and need support in doing so, or I wouldnt have come here, so that is what Im passing on to you. I have 11, oh wait, 12 days today, and I couldnt be doing it without this amazing team of cheerleaders. Peanut, you can do this, take back what is yours, your mind, your heart, your family. Its going to hurt, but most things in life worth fighting for do. You will begin to actually feel again, and thats incredible...overwhelming, painful, confusing, but allow it. Sort through all the feelings, when you begin to feel again you will realise just how much the pills have taken from you. Fight for this. Post here often, someone is always available to talk you through your tough spots, your victories, tears and your laughter. I am pulling for you, and you will be in my thoughts and heart as you begin your journey. Live this crazy, beautiful, scary, amazing life!     xoxo, S

[zoea]

I don't know to much about tapering down. But wanted to send words of encouragement.
Keep strong
Zoe

[minn66]

Hi peanut and welcome! You have taken two very important and powerful steps by posting and deciding to quit. The others are right... Post a lot. I know it has helped me tremendously. Although we are located all over the world, we are all here to support each other. You can do this! Get the ingredients in the Thomas recipe (Immodium will become a very good friend ;)) It will be hard, but we will be here every step of the way. I'm glad you found us and hope you keep posting.

Hugs,

Minn :)

[MikeInFrance]

Hey Peanut,
You are definately making the right decision! Keep your attitude positive cuz it makes it so much easier to deal with. Don't question eveything about what you missed and what you did in the past. At this time, just concentrate on getting through each day trying to stay as active as possible...even though u won't feel like it but it helps! One thing you said that was right on was that you were "addicted to the routine" ... I totally felt that too. It's crazy what these pills can do to us. Stay strong and keep posting ;)

[LostNoMore]

Welcome to the forum and welcome to FREEDOM! I got clean 50 days ago,
C/T from 60-80 mgs a day. Oxy, norco, and percs. Yes, it's hard to come off
these drugs. But I believe it's harder to stay a slave to them for...who knows
how long.  You're doing the right thing, you're doing the best thing you could possibly do for yourself. Like Gnarly says, keep positive and KNOW it's going to end, you will feel better and better, I promise you that. Hydrate, get the thomas recipe stuff and LIVE in the bathtub if you have to. Hot soaks will give you a break from the majority of the WD symptoms. Start to think about aftercare. Again, like Gnary says, the trick here is to STAY clean and free of
drugs. Keep your chin up and keep posting.

[overopiates]

wow my post was so long that when I started no one else had responded.Sabrina os long wind tonight....oh well

[overopiates]

Welcome peanut.Im glad u decided to post but more importantly proud of u for making the decision to quit.U r a part of our odd family now.Please dont think u r rambling(u werent btw).come&post as often as u need or want we.In the begining we almost all feel like we r rambling or being a bother but we arent.U feel like ur weak because of the addiction but u r very strong.Ur here,being honest,willing to make a change and ready to.As for feeling that loss like a relationship is ending thats incredibly common.Many of us go through a sort of morning period,feeling almost like were losing a friend.No it doesnt make anything less than normal.Everything and I mean ALL of it is normal.YES if u do get clean,stay that way u will b that normal,wonderful wife&mom u dont think u r now while ur using.U r NOT a loser u r an addict&u r determined2change thats huge.U will realize how much more time u have2do things with ur loved ones,just live ur life&rediscover who u r once u arent chasing those pills.U need to think one day,hour even minute at a time right now.U have4pills left so lets just b blunt ur going to b going c/t.Dont panick about the prospect.I did the same@100to150mg of hydro a day for years.I got a few supplies,after3-4days I started2feel so  much better(physically that is as it took me working my aftercare plan2feel good enough2forgive myself).Have u looked at the thomas recipe?I hear it works wonders.I didnt know about it but somehow used a lot of the things on it.Immodium(NAME BRAND NOT GENERIC)taken generously did wonders.Ask some questions,what can we do to help?
I simply wanted u to know u r far from alone,have support&we r here4u.U r so determined&that says a lot.I know its easier said than dome but dont b so hard on urself.U didnt choose to b an addict(its a sneaky,evil disease)but its a desease u can make better.
c u thought ur post was long&rambling lol

[gnarly_1]

HI Welcome to the forum I did the same thing you did kinda watch things for a wile b/4 I started posting but where glad you did...so with 4 pills left I guess your starting tomorrow
look to the lower right of this screen and look up the thomas recipe........pick up the things suggested also pick up a case of gatoraid the bigest thing you can do for yourself is go into this with a positive attitude and do your best to keep that going on your going to be sick as a dog for around 4 or 5 days then it will break from there its a mind game be ready to fight on both fronts a hot bath will, get rid of most of the withdrawal symptoms as you post we will try and help you along so post often take advise and a week from now you wont be chained to a pill bottle good luck and God bless......Gnarly

[wysteria17]

Hello peanut and welcome!  I am new here too and posted for the first time recently, finally...as well.  I know exactly how you feel.  I am a mother too and I am just DONE with pills.   I feel like a relationship is ending and I am grieving over it too.  I could've written your post.  You are NOT a loser, junkie pos etc...it took me a lot of reading and listening to others to realize that for myself but now that we know better we can do better.  I've learned a lot and have all that new knowledge (a lot from the people here) as my arsenal against addiction.  For the first time in my life I feel like I can and WANT to flush the rest of my meds.  I just can't have them around and I've never wanted this so bad.  I am right there with you...keep posting.  People with more experience will be around and they all have great advice.  Just keep at it.