Aa
AA is not for me, but what else is out there?
So. Tried AA and it is just not for me. Truly. I respect it, and I respect that it has worked for gazillions of folks, but honestly, the meetings I've been to... well, the 'success' stories made me want to give up completely... I really mean no offense to anyone, maybe it was just the meetings I went to, but the people there seemed to me to have just traded one addiction for another, and I don't want that... at least I don't want my 'healthy' addiction to be to AA... that creeps me out.
I am trying to rejoin the living. I am tired of my own "stuff" (meaning my own b-s) and I am willing to accept and am looking for help. But AA isn't it for me.
I found this site after hours of web searches, and it looks like there are others posting who also did not find AA helpful, so here I am... anyone have suggestions?
oh... I would truly do an inpatient program but I have no insurance, no job, and no money (yup, drank myself away from all of that). Thankfully still have my home and an internet connection.
I just need ... i don't know anymore... suggestions or even just encouragement.
I'm determined to kick this, and if this forum doesn't help I'll keep looking and trying cuz I know and I finally accept and truly know that I *have* to keep trying and looking and doing anything other than grabbing a bottle of scotch, a bottle of wine, etc etc etc... heh, maybe not drinking is my new addiction... but that's still not living, you know? or is it?
ok... anyone have advice?
Owen
I am trying to rejoin the living. I am tired of my own "stuff" (meaning my own b-s) and I am willing to accept and am looking for help. But AA isn't it for me.
I found this site after hours of web searches, and it looks like there are others posting who also did not find AA helpful, so here I am... anyone have suggestions?
oh... I would truly do an inpatient program but I have no insurance, no job, and no money (yup, drank myself away from all of that). Thankfully still have my home and an internet connection.
I just need ... i don't know anymore... suggestions or even just encouragement.
I'm determined to kick this, and if this forum doesn't help I'll keep looking and trying cuz I know and I finally accept and truly know that I *have* to keep trying and looking and doing anything other than grabbing a bottle of scotch, a bottle of wine, etc etc etc... heh, maybe not drinking is my new addiction... but that's still not living, you know? or is it?
ok... anyone have advice?
Owen
No alcohol today Owen!!! I am telling myself that also. But, that is not my weakness right now. It is the sleeping pills. I am out and anxiety set in yesterday BIG time.
Blood pressure is up and heart is pounding. I read half the night, my AA 12 step and a prayer book. I tried to give it all to GOD. Asked him to take it anyway. I did get several hours of sleep but each time i woke it was so awful and scary. I am thinking about going to urgent care. I need something to calm this and booze doesn't even sound good. Hey, that's a good thing. I know i have been taking too many ambien, it is a mental thing more than anything. I want to be over all of this so badly. tj
Blood pressure is up and heart is pounding. I read half the night, my AA 12 step and a prayer book. I tried to give it all to GOD. Asked him to take it anyway. I did get several hours of sleep but each time i woke it was so awful and scary. I am thinking about going to urgent care. I need something to calm this and booze doesn't even sound good. Hey, that's a good thing. I know i have been taking too many ambien, it is a mental thing more than anything. I want to be over all of this so badly. tj
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ambien is habit forming and LOUD warnings if ur chemically dependent u should not take it...did ur doc give that 2 u knowing ur drinking history?there is better to help sleep/anxiety that is not addictive.
First and most important, thanks for your support and encouragement, and (as I heard it anyhow) your gentle prods letting me know to get over myself...
So... started writing things out for myself... what do *I* need to do right now... #1, of course, was "do NOT drink"... and then after a while it came clear that #2 was be around people I could be completely honest whether or not I actually spoke.
So, looked at AA meetings scheduled and then found a men's support group (not AA, but for addictions and related life issues) and I went. It was good... it was long, more like a mini-retreat (8 hours) which I didn't expect, but it was good. And now I'm SO tired.
Just wanted to let you all know. More later, I'm going to bed. Thanks again.
So... started writing things out for myself... what do *I* need to do right now... #1, of course, was "do NOT drink"... and then after a while it came clear that #2 was be around people I could be completely honest whether or not I actually spoke.
So, looked at AA meetings scheduled and then found a men's support group (not AA, but for addictions and related life issues) and I went. It was good... it was long, more like a mini-retreat (8 hours) which I didn't expect, but it was good. And now I'm SO tired.
Just wanted to let you all know. More later, I'm going to bed. Thanks again.
COMMUNITY LEADER
u went to a meeting that lasted 8 hours?that was a mini-retreat and not a one hour meeting!glad u liked and it helped.....wise to try out a variety of meetings and b xposed to a variety of ppl and opinions.
I identified with a lot of what you said. I'm not the drinker in my family, my husband is. But I myself have a lot of issues with being unable to reach out to others when I need someone to lean on and help me through my own bad times.
I, that you, am also stuck on being the go to chick, the strong one, the leader, the helper, the rock. Truthfully...right now I'm so damn needy it scares the hell out of me. Every time I take a few minutes to catch my breath I feel the fear set in, the tears well up and I have to get moving again. Sometimes I feel like I am running in place, getting nowhere fast, but I can't seem to sit down and let others come to me, help me, hold me up, keep me sane.
The reason I'm having such a hard time is...my husband has recently been diagnosed with end stage liver disease and his only chance at a longer life is a transplant. To get a transplant one must be a non drinker, for at least a year. Right now he is almost 90 days alcohol free and I'm so proud of him for that but I wonder if he and his body will hold out at least 9 more months + whatever time it takes to get him evaluated, on the transplant list and transplanted?? God, I hope so.
My husband learned at least 18 yrs. ago that he had Hepatitis C. He was advised then that alcohol was his worst enemy and that if he would stop drinking he'd probably die from old age before the HepC got him. He totally ignored the doctor because he was "feeling great" so why should he deny himself something he enjoyed, something that relaxed him before he had to. We couldn't convince him that by the time he felt that he needed to it would be too late.
He was finally convinced Feb. 15, 2008 when he ended up hospitalized with a horrendous case of Hepatic Encephalopathy. That happens when your liver is so damaged (cirrhosis makes the liver hard so it cannot function as it is suppose to) that it cannot properly do it's job of filtering out toxins from your blood. So your blood keeps traveling around the body leaving a little bad stuff along the way. Eventually enough bad stuff, in this case ammonia, is left off in the brain and the brain just shuts down and if not caught in time you fall asleep and never wake up.
Thankfully I found him in enough time to get him to the hospital. Thankfully they quickly determined what was happening and begin basically drowning him in Lactulose until his ammonia level came down. Lactulose is a liquid medication that once it hits your bowels the ammonia there will bind itself to it and is then eliminated from the body. The lactulose taste awful and he has to take 3 tablespoons full three times a day. So far, knock on wood, it is working. Eventually the liver damage will worsen and the lactulose may stop being enough. Hopefully by the time that happens he will be sober for long enough to be eligible for a transplant.
My husband has the double whammy of having HepC which damages the liver and having drank excessively for 30+ years which also damaged his liver and now he has cirrhosis on top of another disease, Hep C, and they are both attacking his liver.
I'm sharing all of this with you Owen because I want you to hear from someone who is watching their husband, the father of her children, her partner for 28 years die because he couldn't stop drinking. You said you do not have a wife or children...but you have family and you don't ever want them to go through this.
So today Owen, DO NOT DRINK. For your sake and the sake of those who love you. Just don't drink.
Today...reach out and take the hand of someone who can help provide you with friendship, a ear to listen, a hand to hold, a distraction from the booze. Let someone help you remain strong. I promise to do the same. I keep telling myself there is no shame in needing help, of any kind. The shame is when you're too proud to do it.
I've asked my husband how he's doing with not drinking. He says it helps to keep busy. He has turned to hobbies that have long been forgotten. Woodworking was a favorite of his and he has finally began to strip and refinish some chairs we have had for many years. I hope the material we bought for the seats and backs doesn't hasn't been attacked by moths! He's looking forward to the warmer weather so he can tinker in the garage on an old Nova he's been restoring for 15 yrs. See, he used to go out to the garage to work on it but really he was out there working on a 12 pack. Now maybe he can really get that car finished!
He does find it lonely because all of his friends drank. Can't exactly go down to the local bar and sip your gatorade while everyone else is havin' a beer. I'm encouraging him to finally look around at his co-workers and others in his life and actually see the non drinkers and go about getting to know them and maybe he'll find common ground and a new friendship there.
AA is not for him either. He tried that once many years ago, at the behest of the court. Yeah, drunk driving conviction. But it just didn't do it for him. He now goes to a substance abuse counselor weekly and though we don't discuss everything he talks about there he likes Jennifer and feels she is giving him a lot of different ways to deal with stress that are alcohol free. We do have insurance, I realize you said you don't, so that may not be an option for you. Check and see if there are local programs that offer counseling for substance abuse that are free.
I'm glad you found a mens support group and even happier that you liked it. I hope you can continue to attend and within that group find yourself some friends who you can enjoy your new life with...your sober life.
Good luck to you Owen. Remember...don't drink...just don't. Reach out...that you can do :)
~Grace
I, that you, am also stuck on being the go to chick, the strong one, the leader, the helper, the rock. Truthfully...right now I'm so damn needy it scares the hell out of me. Every time I take a few minutes to catch my breath I feel the fear set in, the tears well up and I have to get moving again. Sometimes I feel like I am running in place, getting nowhere fast, but I can't seem to sit down and let others come to me, help me, hold me up, keep me sane.
The reason I'm having such a hard time is...my husband has recently been diagnosed with end stage liver disease and his only chance at a longer life is a transplant. To get a transplant one must be a non drinker, for at least a year. Right now he is almost 90 days alcohol free and I'm so proud of him for that but I wonder if he and his body will hold out at least 9 more months + whatever time it takes to get him evaluated, on the transplant list and transplanted?? God, I hope so.
My husband learned at least 18 yrs. ago that he had Hepatitis C. He was advised then that alcohol was his worst enemy and that if he would stop drinking he'd probably die from old age before the HepC got him. He totally ignored the doctor because he was "feeling great" so why should he deny himself something he enjoyed, something that relaxed him before he had to. We couldn't convince him that by the time he felt that he needed to it would be too late.
He was finally convinced Feb. 15, 2008 when he ended up hospitalized with a horrendous case of Hepatic Encephalopathy. That happens when your liver is so damaged (cirrhosis makes the liver hard so it cannot function as it is suppose to) that it cannot properly do it's job of filtering out toxins from your blood. So your blood keeps traveling around the body leaving a little bad stuff along the way. Eventually enough bad stuff, in this case ammonia, is left off in the brain and the brain just shuts down and if not caught in time you fall asleep and never wake up.
Thankfully I found him in enough time to get him to the hospital. Thankfully they quickly determined what was happening and begin basically drowning him in Lactulose until his ammonia level came down. Lactulose is a liquid medication that once it hits your bowels the ammonia there will bind itself to it and is then eliminated from the body. The lactulose taste awful and he has to take 3 tablespoons full three times a day. So far, knock on wood, it is working. Eventually the liver damage will worsen and the lactulose may stop being enough. Hopefully by the time that happens he will be sober for long enough to be eligible for a transplant.
My husband has the double whammy of having HepC which damages the liver and having drank excessively for 30+ years which also damaged his liver and now he has cirrhosis on top of another disease, Hep C, and they are both attacking his liver.
I'm sharing all of this with you Owen because I want you to hear from someone who is watching their husband, the father of her children, her partner for 28 years die because he couldn't stop drinking. You said you do not have a wife or children...but you have family and you don't ever want them to go through this.
So today Owen, DO NOT DRINK. For your sake and the sake of those who love you. Just don't drink.
Today...reach out and take the hand of someone who can help provide you with friendship, a ear to listen, a hand to hold, a distraction from the booze. Let someone help you remain strong. I promise to do the same. I keep telling myself there is no shame in needing help, of any kind. The shame is when you're too proud to do it.
I've asked my husband how he's doing with not drinking. He says it helps to keep busy. He has turned to hobbies that have long been forgotten. Woodworking was a favorite of his and he has finally began to strip and refinish some chairs we have had for many years. I hope the material we bought for the seats and backs doesn't hasn't been attacked by moths! He's looking forward to the warmer weather so he can tinker in the garage on an old Nova he's been restoring for 15 yrs. See, he used to go out to the garage to work on it but really he was out there working on a 12 pack. Now maybe he can really get that car finished!
He does find it lonely because all of his friends drank. Can't exactly go down to the local bar and sip your gatorade while everyone else is havin' a beer. I'm encouraging him to finally look around at his co-workers and others in his life and actually see the non drinkers and go about getting to know them and maybe he'll find common ground and a new friendship there.
AA is not for him either. He tried that once many years ago, at the behest of the court. Yeah, drunk driving conviction. But it just didn't do it for him. He now goes to a substance abuse counselor weekly and though we don't discuss everything he talks about there he likes Jennifer and feels she is giving him a lot of different ways to deal with stress that are alcohol free. We do have insurance, I realize you said you don't, so that may not be an option for you. Check and see if there are local programs that offer counseling for substance abuse that are free.
I'm glad you found a mens support group and even happier that you liked it. I hope you can continue to attend and within that group find yourself some friends who you can enjoy your new life with...your sober life.
Good luck to you Owen. Remember...don't drink...just don't. Reach out...that you can do :)
~Grace
thats some story...i have to wonder how his withdrawals are...mine were so bad...the hep with the drinking....real trouble.... must be nice for him to have you right there...good luck with everything and thanks for sharring......billy
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