AA is not for me, but what else is out there?

[Owen919]

So.  Tried AA and it is just not for me.  Truly.  I respect it, and I respect that it has worked for gazillions of folks, but honestly, the meetings I've been to... well, the 'success' stories made me want to give up completely... I really mean no offense to anyone, maybe it was just the meetings I went to, but the people there seemed to me to have just traded one addiction for another, and I don't want that... at least I don't want my 'healthy' addiction to be to AA... that creeps me out.  

I am trying to rejoin the living.  I am tired of my own "stuff" (meaning my own b-s) and I am willing to accept and am looking for help.  But AA isn't it for me.  

I found this site after hours of web searches, and it looks like there are others posting who also did not find AA helpful, so here I am... anyone have suggestions?  

oh... I would truly do an inpatient program but I have no insurance, no job, and no money (yup, drank myself away from all of that).  Thankfully still have my home and an internet connection.

I just need ... i don't know anymore... suggestions or even just encouragement.

I'm determined to kick this, and if this forum doesn't help I'll keep looking and trying cuz I know and I finally accept and truly know that I *have* to keep trying and looking and doing anything other than grabbing a bottle of scotch, a bottle of wine, etc etc etc...  heh, maybe not drinking is my new addiction... but that's still not living, you know?  or is it?  

ok... anyone have advice?

Owen

[Owen919]

thank you.
I need all the support and encouragement I can possibly get.
And I can barely believe that I just wrote that.  
I have always been the supporter, the 'go-to' person, the provider for my siblings and their families and ... whatever...  in my own way this is my moment where I stand up for myself, but it is TO myself and that feels so ... stupid.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not... I guess I'm finally actually feeling my feelings?!  I don't like it!

I can do this.  But

I need support.  I do.  Just ... anything...

ok.  my new personal motto will be an anti-Nike slogan... "Just do NOT do it!"

wow.  ok... I'm gonna go walk my dog and try to remember the name of every type of tree that he pees on, and try to enjoy the remaining sunlight of this day.  yes.

seriously, thank you for your message.  I am struggling but finally serious this time and you taking the time to reply to my post is truly appreciated.

[Owen919]

no wife, no kids, no partner, and at this very moment in my life i am actually thankful for that. this is my deal and I am thankful at least that no one else is significantly impacted by my own s***... well... I think you get what I mean.

yeah.
well, here goes... I am at that point of beating myself up with (I think) finally self-honesty that I will admit this:  I am a drunk.  But though I "get" the benefit of surrounding myself with ex-drunks, I'm still at a place that I do not want to be.  No, that's not true exactly...

I don't want to be the "once" successful person who ended up in the county rehab.  There.  I said it.  But I'm still looking for any other alternative.  And I know how stupid and spiteful and truly, truly, truly, ridiculous that is given that I really DO want to kick this and rejoin my life... well... 'my' life meaning sober and...  I guess I can not even truly imagine that anymore, what that would be...

thank you.  yeah.  I need to go to the public health clinic and just suck it up and get over myself.  I do.  I know I do.

so many excuses... 'who will feed the dog the way the dog needs to be fed?"  ... yeah, like no one else can feed a dog.  etc etc etc  .  

I'm just scared.  and finally not instantly grabbing a 'beverage' whenever I 'feel' *anything* I am just really feeling all of it, everything, and I so don't want to.  But I have to.  I'm so over myself and this stupid habit... this addiction, my alcoholism.  

Someone, anyone, just tell me not to go get a drink.  Seriously.  

No... sorry... my b-s is not anyone else's responsibility, it's mine.  

Well, still, a gazillion posts saying "Owen, just don't drink alcohol," would truly be helpful.     Yeah, I'm feeling just a little needy right now

[TJack]

I am sorry to read of your experience with AA.  I think it is really going to help me get through this.  Tuesday, i am taking the step to ask for a sponsor.  Maybe i have been telling myself that i don't really have to commit as long as i don't have a sponsor, i don't know.   You know that old fear of disappointing yet another person.  The advice ibizan just gave you is right on.  She is really wise on all of this.  Keep posting and coming here and reading, it does help and the people on here are very encouraging.  I hope we make it, you and me both. and everyone else trying to.  tj

[ibizan]

did u read my post 5-4 under Lotsatrouts I couldn't stay sober on my own and still can't?if AA is totally verboten 4 u.then u must have a sober support system...do u have a wife?kids?ur county of residence has outpatient facilities that get state funding to help those with no insurance....i've worked for one for 23 years.Also clean/sober 24 years....if u want sobriety bad enuf..u will work for it..i was told and its true...put the effort in2 not drinking that u invested going 2 get alcohol,wasting $$,getting drunk,having hangovers/blackouts etc.....doing stupid things and repeating this ad nauseum..no pun intended....being addicted to not drinking could/is b a good thing!:)