Aa
How do I get through this?
23 years of marriage, my husband has lost yet another job (4 total). 26, 000 in debt to the I.R.S. and another 20 grand to credit cards. We have been separated for 3 years 3 months now. I am currently living with my Mother. 44 years old and having to move back home is humiliating. My car was impounded and now here I am. I am furious with him. He has ruined both our lives and now he is about to be homeless on the streets. I am going to file for divorce as soon as I get money. In the meantime with all this said why do I feel torn between being there for him and getting on with my life? I feel stuck. I love him but I can't do this anymore and yet I feel such anguish. How to I move on from this? Now that he is out of a job and almost homeless I am stuck with all the debt and heart ache. uuuuuuuggggggggggg! I stumbled upon this website looking for information about alcoholism and felt I needed to vent.
PS I assumed that you were saying that as a result of alcoholism on his part, you have both lost everything, time and time again.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so torn right now :(
I think the best money you could spend would be to talk to a counselor about letting go (and letting God)
the thing is this, if your husband has been an alcoholic for 23 years and it is only now you're walking away, you've been enabling him for all that time, and you have to take responsibility for that
In other words, you will have to admit to yourself, that for whatever your reasoning , you stayed in this unhealthy relationship yourself.
You bet on a bad pony, you had all the red flags, but you kept on betting.
Did you ever in those 23 years seek out professional help for him or your marriage? Did you ever find out about addiction and how to enact an intervention that would no longer allow him to throw his and your life away?
Did you ever find out where he could go to treatment? Or have you ever looked into AlAnon in those 23 years to find out how other families of alcoholic's handle their situation?
This is part of what you're mad at. You're mad at him, but underneath I think that you must be angry at yourself to continue to let your life together go on using credit, always in the red. Only by education, an intervention, could your marriage have ever gotten in the black or ever had a chance.
It's not too late to have a normal life, even with him. Doing the right things, educating yourself, getting him into treatment your marriage possibly could work. He may have many obstacles like his mental health, that need be addressed. It wouldn't be easy, and after so many years of not working on anything, who knows if you would have the strength.
They say that in order to move on from someone who has hurt us, we must forgive them. It takes their power away. Please reread what i've written here. You can find that forgiveness in your heart if you can admit that you may not have sought out the right help and that in fact you take on a certain amount of responsibility for having enabled him for so long and been his and your own worst enemy. I'm sure that you may not want to hear this right now, but it might help in the long run.
You're young enough to start again. I found someone new and forever at aged 38. At least you're not the alcoholic. You can more easily move forward, but I think you need help to find that forgiveness you 'll need.
Peace to you. and God Bless you and your Mom.
I think the best money you could spend would be to talk to a counselor about letting go (and letting God)
the thing is this, if your husband has been an alcoholic for 23 years and it is only now you're walking away, you've been enabling him for all that time, and you have to take responsibility for that
In other words, you will have to admit to yourself, that for whatever your reasoning , you stayed in this unhealthy relationship yourself.
You bet on a bad pony, you had all the red flags, but you kept on betting.
Did you ever in those 23 years seek out professional help for him or your marriage? Did you ever find out about addiction and how to enact an intervention that would no longer allow him to throw his and your life away?
Did you ever find out where he could go to treatment? Or have you ever looked into AlAnon in those 23 years to find out how other families of alcoholic's handle their situation?
This is part of what you're mad at. You're mad at him, but underneath I think that you must be angry at yourself to continue to let your life together go on using credit, always in the red. Only by education, an intervention, could your marriage have ever gotten in the black or ever had a chance.
It's not too late to have a normal life, even with him. Doing the right things, educating yourself, getting him into treatment your marriage possibly could work. He may have many obstacles like his mental health, that need be addressed. It wouldn't be easy, and after so many years of not working on anything, who knows if you would have the strength.
They say that in order to move on from someone who has hurt us, we must forgive them. It takes their power away. Please reread what i've written here. You can find that forgiveness in your heart if you can admit that you may not have sought out the right help and that in fact you take on a certain amount of responsibility for having enabled him for so long and been his and your own worst enemy. I'm sure that you may not want to hear this right now, but it might help in the long run.
You're young enough to start again. I found someone new and forever at aged 38. At least you're not the alcoholic. You can more easily move forward, but I think you need help to find that forgiveness you 'll need.
Peace to you. and God Bless you and your Mom.
i would encourage you to take a look at your role in your current situation, once you examine and accept that you can begin to heal emotionally, and not carry resentments that will make you miserable.
You can only control what is in your skin! you can't change people, so unless he is ready for complete change , his life will most likely continue like it is.
being able to talk out all this and explore your part in it would really be beneficial. I hope you get past all this you can if you want to, their are others in same and worse situations, that have.good luck and keep posting....
You can only control what is in your skin! you can't change people, so unless he is ready for complete change , his life will most likely continue like it is.
being able to talk out all this and explore your part in it would really be beneficial. I hope you get past all this you can if you want to, their are others in same and worse situations, that have.good luck and keep posting....
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm so sorry you have to go thru this hell!You've received some awesome advice from two who definitely know what their talking about!I hope you follow it and commit yourself to re-establishing sanity in your OWN life!
Feel free! Vent away! I feel so sorry for you, sweetie. I am in the UK but I wonder if they have any free counselling to help you deal with so much stuff. Listen, I was divorced 35 years ago. But, I still feel for him, even though we are both remarried. He is the father of my children and I feel a link which can never go away. Also, even though we don't see each other very often, we still have arguments on the phone. But then he'll ask me my opinion. In a way, he is a very old love/hate friend who has probably known me longer than most people in my life.
I have been told that I must not expect others to have the same morals, emotions, sense of right and wrong as I do. It's so hard though, not to want to smack him when he is so wrong, or to want to cuddle him better -in a sisterly, maternal way, when he is sad.
So, I understand. You didn't say which of you has the alcohol problem. The buck stops here though. You are always rescuing him. Tough love is required. If you have kids you know it's always harder to say no than yes. But you have to do it for their own good. He is acting like a spoilt kid even after all he's done. I bet he doesn't end up on the street. If you are firm, someone else will rescue him. You must build your own life back up now. Your Mum must be very nice to help you like this. My daughters have been backwards and forwards countless times. There's no shame, she's just helping you over a bad patch. There must be somewhere free you can call or visit where they can help you with your debt problem. Get counselling, get debt help and get on with your own life. You are young free and single. Stop feeling so responsible for him and start feeling responsible for you. You deserve some TLC. Address these problems practically and you'll start feeling better emotionally. With love and every hope for the future xxx
I have been told that I must not expect others to have the same morals, emotions, sense of right and wrong as I do. It's so hard though, not to want to smack him when he is so wrong, or to want to cuddle him better -in a sisterly, maternal way, when he is sad.
So, I understand. You didn't say which of you has the alcohol problem. The buck stops here though. You are always rescuing him. Tough love is required. If you have kids you know it's always harder to say no than yes. But you have to do it for their own good. He is acting like a spoilt kid even after all he's done. I bet he doesn't end up on the street. If you are firm, someone else will rescue him. You must build your own life back up now. Your Mum must be very nice to help you like this. My daughters have been backwards and forwards countless times. There's no shame, she's just helping you over a bad patch. There must be somewhere free you can call or visit where they can help you with your debt problem. Get counselling, get debt help and get on with your own life. You are young free and single. Stop feeling so responsible for him and start feeling responsible for you. You deserve some TLC. Address these problems practically and you'll start feeling better emotionally. With love and every hope for the future xxx
Hi Dale,
Well you have come to the right place. Many here have experienced the same thing, There is also a section on Living with an alcoholic, which also might give you some support. Reading stories will help you understand that what you are feeling is pretty normal.
Many people move back with their parents in situations like this, because their partner have left them no choice. It is natural to feel anguish in making the kinds of choices you will have to make. Many say they still LOVE the alcoholic, but really?? Do you still love them the way they are now or what they once were.
Sometimes you just have to let it go. If the alcoholic does not want to be helped there is no reasoning or forcing him to get sober. Seems like your husband has decided he does not want to change. You are doing what anyone in your position would do..letting go of Him so you can live life for yourself now. No it will not be easy but you have made an excellent first step. Do the best you can in rebuilding a life for yourself, it can be done. I did not even get married until I was 40, and I now have a wonderful life.
You deserve that life also.
Come here and vent and keep us posted. Please read many of the posts here and see you have nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone here had their own hell to crawl out of, and hopefully we can make it easier for the next person in our shoes.
Good Luck and keep posting.
Sincerely,
CML
Well you have come to the right place. Many here have experienced the same thing, There is also a section on Living with an alcoholic, which also might give you some support. Reading stories will help you understand that what you are feeling is pretty normal.
Many people move back with their parents in situations like this, because their partner have left them no choice. It is natural to feel anguish in making the kinds of choices you will have to make. Many say they still LOVE the alcoholic, but really?? Do you still love them the way they are now or what they once were.
Sometimes you just have to let it go. If the alcoholic does not want to be helped there is no reasoning or forcing him to get sober. Seems like your husband has decided he does not want to change. You are doing what anyone in your position would do..letting go of Him so you can live life for yourself now. No it will not be easy but you have made an excellent first step. Do the best you can in rebuilding a life for yourself, it can be done. I did not even get married until I was 40, and I now have a wonderful life.
You deserve that life also.
Come here and vent and keep us posted. Please read many of the posts here and see you have nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone here had their own hell to crawl out of, and hopefully we can make it easier for the next person in our shoes.
Good Luck and keep posting.
Sincerely,
CML
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