Husband in Alcohol Rehab and do not know where

[Robinlynn1206]

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4. We have went to several near death with his over drinking and several rehabs. He is not abusive to me..sweetest man you will ever meet. until he drinks..then i watch him stumble, fall, pee on himself, and pass out. This last time I left the house on Thanksgiving day due to his drunkeness and saying bad things to me..I ended up in the emergency room and hospital for 4 days with bleeding inside due to high blood pressure and stress..When I was in the hospital he had went on one of his destroying the house episodes, doing horrible things, throwing away my medicine, pictures, taking the mattress outside, before he left he cut the water hose and electirical hoses on the dryer and washing machine and flooded the house..He stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks and I told him he had to get help..just couldn't do this anymore. He called and said bye and I found out from his parents that he is in a rehab but he cant write or call..they want tell me where..I filed for divorce and it will be final in Feb..He will have no idea of the divorce..I miss him so much and I know that sounds bad, but we always had fun and did things until the drinking got heavy again. Im paying a lawyer and now I really feel guilty...His mom says let it go..but don't get a divorce..he can't work on a marriage until he works on himself..my thing is ..i need to talk to him before the divorce is final..just to see how he is doing..I am so confused..I do love him so much and miss him..Do I call off the Divorce and wait for him, do i go through with it and maybe down the road we can get back together..i just don't know what to do..

[redbull]

I say don't divorce him just yet. He did not do thoses things you said...ALCOHOLISM did that. It's a separate monster and not your husband that you love so much that did all that. Try your hardest to understand that he's sick and just needs to get better. If he follows the rocovery plan that he will be taught in rehab he will more loving than you thought he was before. Get the book Alcoholic's Anonymous and read the chapter (To the wife's) It's written for you, do it now. It will explain whats going on and what will be going on and better help you deal with it all. Trust me when I tell you that it may very well be OK if he learns what they are going to teach him. You can find the book online if you need to. I urge you to do it quickly. Just breath and pray for now and read that chapter.

[Lunar1]

I acted similar to my ex-wife when I was drinking... not as destructive as the examples you gave, but definitely used words as a weapon and puked my guts out with her helping me.   I didn't understand the gravity of my lifestyle until 6 months after the divorce, i haven't completely quit drinking yet, but i've cut down drastically and am no longer calling in sick to my new work because of hangovers.   to answer your question, i would divorce him if all else has failed,  my ex-wife asked a woman who is still married to an alcoholic for 30+ years for advice, and she said she wishes she would have left him younger when she still had a chance for a new life.  i think blaming drinking on a disease is B.S,  i was/am addicted as they come to alcohol, and it's a choice you make, just like smoking.   to help him, give him a wake up call, in the long run it will help based on my experience.

[Robinlynn1206]

Thanks for the advise and support..I have a month to stop the divorce..In Texas there is a 60 day cooling off..I was so hurt and pushed to the limit this last time I just went straight to the lawyer when I got out of the hospital..I thought if this life is effecting my health like this then I got to think about myself..But, I am the type that thinks about the other..You don't know how hard it was to tell my husband he could not come home and to stay at that hotel..running out of money..he quit his good job that he just started so he would not have any income coming in so he was going to be homeless, jobless and no car.  All I wanted to do is go and pick him up and bring him home but, my gut told me this is it..tough love, He had hit rock bottom and I knew this is where he needed to be..I supplied him with numbers to call for help, shelters, etc..So that plan worked..he did get help and is at a all men's facility somewhere that is all I know. It just hurts that I was not his first call or his emergency call..His parents are. I guess he feels i deserted him and he is angry. I do have the AA book, that he has from one of his rehabs that he went to. I will read the chapter "'to Wifes" ...I know it is good for him not to have any communication but, my gosh..I think I need to know where he is an be able to communicate with my husband..Like I said..I have another month to stop the divorce..and I am really confused on this..I was married before to a drug addict for 24 years...He has totally changed his life..It took a divorce and a great church to get him through it and he did it..Im going to go read that now..I hope it helps me..and thanks for the advise so far..Only I can make the decision but, it helps to talk about it an hear other stories.

[ibizan]

i agree w/lunar 1!so who pays all the damages for ur flooded home?that is no light matter there!there is NO guarantee that when he comes out of rehab all will be well....it has taken him years to get this way and it will take him as long to FULLY recover...but that depends upon him admitting his horrid behaviors and fully accepting his disease and that he cannot take that first drink.Were there children affected by this?

[Robinlynn1206]

No children..I am 48 and he is 43..He has children and they are grown and so do I..Last year when this happened..I had 3 parakeets and he let them all go..So yes he has done some weird things..I used to think it was a disease and people made me feel guilty and compared it to cancer..but, it is an addition and people with addictions are sick..But, they choose to be that way and it is up to them to get the help..I admire him for getting help (real help) this time..but, it could just be so that he did not have to be homeless..Last thing he said was he didn't want to be like that and he wanted help...but, would get angry when i would say he couldn't come back home..It is just hard because i am in love with the person he was when he didn't drink..It was easier with the drug addict, he was abusive to me,..but, my husband now, just takes it out on the house..And yes, I am the one paying for all the damages to the house..and it sux..also jewelry missing..

[Robinlynn1206]

Also, when i would ask him why he did those things..it was always that I needed to stop bringing up the past and that he did not know why he did them.

[redbull]

I speek for myself when I say to you that at sometime in my drinking days I totally lost the power of choice. If it would have been that easy, I would have chose not to drink. I and the majority of recovering alcoholics that I know believe in the disease concept of alcoholism. Support and understanding will go along way. I'm just saying to try and treat him like you would a sick friend (or loved one).

[Robinlynn1206]

I understand..the whole thing just makes me angry..To love someone so much..and you are right..he is not only a sick friend..he is my best friend that I really want to talk to before I go through this divorce..How long to they keep them before they can call or you can write back to them.? Since I don't know where he is..i have no way of supporting him

[redbull]

He most likely can not call anyone for the first 72 hours but I would bet that when he does contact you that your support and understanding will be valuable to him. It will most likely be the HOPE he needs to move him foreward in his recovery process. At least that will be my hope and prayer for the two of you.

[Robinlynn1206]

He has been there for almost a month...His mom said he can't call out or write just yet..so I am assuming it is one of those 30 to 60 day in treatment..The others that he was in were 28 days..and too freely to come and go and call out..One I could visit and not go to his room..the other i could visit and go in to his room and it was mixed gender and i think that is the bad ones..Too easy for a rehab romance for some..He is at a mens facility right now..Just wish I new where and pray he calls soon...Thanks for the info..

[ibizan]

Whoa!a facility that allows male/female roomates?that is insane!I've been sober/clean 28 years.Not everyone in my family understood/supported my problem nor my resulting behavior from it.I had to accept/deal w/that!I fully accept that i have this disease,and do not have the OFF switch when it comes to choosing to consume/alcohol/drugs.For others to say or expect u to be fully understanding/support this man who has caused u so much damage plus killed ur beloved animals in an alcoholic rampage is unrealistic.U need to move on and take care of urself,do what is best for u.It will take u years to heal from this.Six years ago i loved a man who was clean from cocaine for 3 years.He relapsed,became verbally and mentally cruel.....and gave me an STD that he denied giving me even tho he was the only one i'd been w/in 10 years.He showed me NO support/understanding during the death of my dad,dx'ing of my moms Lewy Body Dementia and loss of 2 beloved animals from cancer.I had to cut him loose for he rejected helping himself.It hurt very much,but i had to salvage what was left of my sanity.I think u must do the same.So keep riding that beautiful horse i saw u on in ur profile pic...nice saddle 2......and be strong for u...he must climb in2 his own saddle of sobriety and do the hard recovery work many of us have done here to achieve long term sobriety.....one day at a time!

[rpooo]

Hello Robin. Concerning your situation it seems really sad to me that you have had to deal with so much. First off you said "he is the sweetest man you will ever meet" umm, that’s not true since I am. ha ha If you can see the good in him and you still love him then why give up on him when he needs you the most? Isn't marriage supposed to be forever? Do you really think it’s just okay to change your mind? Then there is the religious aspect but since I don’t know your beliefs I'll won’t get into it.

I am an alcoholic of 20+ years. I would spend $600 a month to stay and drink at home. My wife and I have been through our rough times because of it and as of march 2010 I was diagnosed with cirrhosis. My wife didn't bail on me through all of this, she never gives up just constantly reminds me she loves me and showing me so much to a point I could not ignore it. She made me respect her.

Since the cirrhosis I don’t drink at all anymore but that doesn’t make our lives easier. She now has to always have it in the back of her mind how much longer am I going to be around. A terrible fear she has to live with. She is 35, doesn't seem fair. Next she has to put up with the mood swings the from the medications I take and how this disease effects my brain from toxins my liver can no longer filter. hrm, she still here and I don’t know what I would ever do without her! What do I do for her you might wonder, I love her every bit as she does me. It doesn't start out like that, it’s something that takes time to build. The more you go through the stronger you can become. You have to find the good in every bad situation.

You picked him, he picked you.. I think your both stuck and should have to make the best out of a bad situation. "All you need is love" -John Lennon

I hope the very best for you and your husband, take care.

Randy

[rpooo]

I love tha your never to bizzy to send me a cyber hug!!! he he Yeah I don't really know what it will take for them. Perhaps its why I hang out here in this forum. I have read some people are very good at this kind of advice and I would maybe reccomend a relationship forum but the alcoholism is something that must be understood when giving advice in this case.

Perhaps its why I didn't comment sooner. ha ha!

[Robinlynn1206]

I think it is great that your wife has supported you..You probaly did none of the things that my husband has done in the alcohol rage..For one thing I have stood by him..I watched him almost die in the hospital from an overdose of alcohol..twice...I have changed his clothes when he decided to wet himself in the living room floor..I have stood by him through two rehabs and a 6 month separation while he lived with his parents..Only to find by checking his debit card purchases while he was there the whole time once a week he would drive the truck they intrusted to him to "a package store"..At the time I didn't know a package store was a liquor store..He was putting it in water bottles and hiding it all over the house until his mom found it..The week I went to pick him up..His mom said he had gotten drunk the day before..I was like "gee thanks for telling me this now that i drove 3 hours to pick him up and bring him home".  But, i loved him and brought him home..2 weeks later..he was sneaking it in again. I still stood by his side..That was a year ago..and now it came down to the case of beer a day again and the passing out..falling everywhere..still me by his side...I got into church and prayed to God and asked what do i do..? My answer was get him help.and the only way this time was to make him almost homeless..and so that drove him to get help..I would like to think that he is getting help because he has hit rock bottom and he loves me and he wants to get better..I pray that is what he is doing..Only time will tell...I don't like divorce as to why i stayed married to a drug addict for 24 years...before my husband now..So the answer to you is I have stuck by him...and if he calls me..i will be there to support him on the phone..I do not hold grudges and I always forgive no matter what. But, he has to get his life right..and so do i before i can be with him. Who knows what the future holds..only God knows..and right now God is telling me to let go, let him get well, and heal myself first for once in my life..Thanks for your input and I am so glad your wife is there to support you this way..but, yours is s differant situation it seems...

[ibizan]

Lets hope this man wakes up and smells the coffee so 2 speak......talk is cheap..its action...jackson!:)i'll never be to Bizzy to give u a hug..ur my cyberbroinrecoveryfriend!:)

[ibizan]

oh vey girl!prior to this married to an active addict for 24 years?it is TIME for u to write a new healthier chapter in ur life!big cyberhug 2 u 2!

[dominosarah]

I have read all of this and here is my 2 cents....

It is time for you now Robin. You have lived in someones addiction for long enough.  You have been their babysitter and caregiver.  It is time for you to start loving yourself.  Your husband is a grown man and needs to start owning up to his actions and work his recovery.  You need to start living, not just existing~~~sara

[phsycodog]

I can only speak from my perspective, so let me share a little bit of my story with you. Tomorrow is Day 100 of the sobriety adventure for me; I was about as heavy a drinker as you can be without being dead, and I was almost there a couple of times. I was never destuctive, but I was as much of a horse's behind as it seems your husband can be when I drank. I was married, that ended because I was a drunk. But hey, I was young, or we weren't right for each other, or pick any excuse you like, the real reason is, I was a drunk. After that I met and fell head over heel in love with the woman of my dreams. She was 10 years older than me and came from a totally different culture than I had ever experienced. It was new, it was fun, it was different, it was mysterious. I would've done anything for her, anything, that is, except quit drinking. We were together 13 years. We had good times and bad, more good, but the bad were usually really bad, and precipitated by my drinking. It was always "I was just trying to have fun",or "what's her problem, I'm on vacation", or "I'm not drunk", the point is, it was never my fault.

The breaking point came about six years ago; we were on a two week vacation (a vacation that she paid for mind you) in St. Lucia, an isliand off the coast of South America. A week into it, we wre on the beach, I was sipping on a few beers, sneaking to the bare every 10 minutes or so to pond a rum punch, then back to the beach to sip beer. I thought I was being sneaky. Eventually she got tired of it and said "why can't you just relax and try to enjoy yourself?". I ggave some mundane reply, but what I was thinking was I am enjoying myself, and I'd be enjoying myself alot more if you'd quit bi***ing about my drinking. Then she went on to say I was embarrassing, the next day we had a couple of day trip to another of the islands planned with a couple that we knew, and she went on to say "why don't you just stay here and rela? You know how you get on small boats". Well that really tee'd me off so I said " how about if I see how soon I can get off of this island?. And that's just what I did. I stopped and got some beer, called American Airlines, & was on the next flight off the island.

Well, that was it, she dropped me like a bad habit. No good bye, no good luck, no we had some good times, no anything. And you know what? I didn't deserve anything.

Sometimes taking care of yourself is more important than taking care of someone else; and sometimes that someone else will realize taking care of themselve is more important than having someone take care of them.

Jim

[redbull]

And what if he gets out with a totally new pair of glasses on, gets involved with a new way of life living the 12 steps once and for all and experiencing all the promises that DO happen by working the steps. What if he finds a new freedom and a new happiness, comprehends the word serenity and finds peace. What if his feelings of uselessness and self-pity disappear.....C-mon guys, re-read the bottom of page 83 top of 84 in the BigBook. Has no body experienced these things? This really happens to people that follow this path, just like the book says "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if he works for them. There are even more promises at the bottom of page 84 top of 85. This stuff is worth a little more time to see if he gets his Xhit together. Ofcource, Take care of yourself but MY GOD if you love the guy then love the guy and see if this time the program takes. He will be a different human being if it does, I promise. For sure protect yourself better this time (whatever that may  consist of) but if she loves the guy we shouldn't be advising her to ditch him based on our experiences with someone other than her husband. This thread is driving me crazy...who are we to judge? Back in 1990 I had my last drink, at a meeting 6 months later SOMETHING happened to me that I can't explain BUT I was different from that day on (call it touched, whatever) and it freaked out my entire family, (even me) but I was not the same man and life got good fast. This in NOT beyond the rhelm of possibility.

[dominosarah]

I said she needs to take care of herself just as her husband has to take care of himself.  She has taken the brunt of his addiction and the family members get just as sick as the addict.  Recovery is very important for the both of them as each person needs to get healthy.  Healthy people = healthy marriage......

[ibizan]

"I would've done anything for her....xcept quit drinking"!!!!It is clear this woman wanted u to stop drinking......and she gave u warning signs.....and she left....and u didn't deserve anything?For those of us who got involved w/12 Step...it taught us to do a 4th Step....took a searching and fearless moral inventory!We admitted our wrongs and took responsibility for our behavior and the wreckage it caused!One doesn't have to become involved in 12 step to do this.......but it never ceases to amaze me how alcoholics can ruin so much in a relationship.....then expect the other to support/encourage them even when they continue to drink!Thats pretty unbalanced!PPl do what they have to do....she needed to leave for the insanity of ur drinking was affecting her...and now ur getting sober which was needed to be done!Am i reading ur post wrong?was it ur sarcasm?did u take responsibility for her leaving?

[ibizan]

It is not beyond the realm of possibility that this man may find all.....and do all that u note in ur post.The Big Book was written in 1936...where women were expected to be/and were for the most part totally self sacrificing and stood by the man despite all the drinking and resulting chaos.This is a statistic that I see and is documented that hasn't changed much in 10 years........9 out of 10 women stay w/an alcoholic/addict male.........while 9 out of 10 men will leave an alcoholic/addict woman!The woman is very much still expected to be made out of super glue and absorb it all!The times have changed....women have more choices and they don't have to stay and take IT anymore.U probably recognize how fortunate u r to have had ur family stand by u during ur drinking.Poohbear is 2.And perhaps both of u didn't put ur family thru the hell Robinlynn noted.If this man truly wants recovery...he will work for it....like u did...like poohbear did....like sara does...like I have.....and if its meant to be they may well get it back together someday.But for NOW this woman needs to do what she must.Would you like to pay for a flooded damaged home and have to replace all in it that ur wife did during a drunken rampage?Could u easily 4 give ur wife for causing the death of  ur beloved animals during a drunken rampage?U'd have to an android from star trek to totally say yes!When he gets out of rehab and is back in the REAL world...that will be the true test of how bad he wants sobriety...and how much work he's willing to do for the wreckage he caused.The Big Book does ask of us that we do that!And continue to take our inventory on a daily basis and correct our wrongs promptly!

[redbull]

Jeez...OK..Since you put it that way. I must say after reading your last post that I would agree that the tolorence between Men vrs Women is (as much as I don't want to say this) different. You got me there. I'm sure I'm speaking from my own experience and just expecting that she could do the same as my wife did even though I really didn't deserve the support. Thank God I didn't get what I deserved. I gusee that,s why they call it the Grace of God, what you get from God is grace (a free gift). If I got what I deserved from God I'd be smoking in Hell today. I do hope everything turns out good for Robinlynn. With or without him.