I am sooooo playing with fire.

[lilyput]

well i still have my male temporary sponsor. i actually called one of the women in my group and asked her if she'd be my "female sponsor." she said yes. i told her about my male sponsor. she said that she trusts him 100%, and that he is a good choice to keep on as a co-sponsor. i felt comfortable with her response and all that's gone on with my male sponsor thus far so i thought to myself "ok...this isn't going to be a problem."

so my male sponsor suggests that we go to a meeting at a different clubhouse...something to do with rule 62...i dunno cause i'm still pretty new at this. anyway, my male sponsor says that it's good to visit other clubhouses, and he thought i'd like this one and the people in it. (and he was right. i did).

i tell him i will meet him there. i show up, and shake his hand. and then i looooook intooooo his eyyyyes. he has the most gorgeous, soulful, puppy dog eyes in the world. and his voice is so calm and soothing. and his laugh is so sweet. his demeanor is so serene. he's so insightful and intelligent. he's also dressed-up a bit. do you see where i'm going with this??????

throughout the entire meeting i'm fidgeting and on the edge of my seat. our arms accidentally touch and i get those butterflies in my stomach for the first time in i know 10 years. i can barely make eye contact with him by the end of the mtg. but i did force myself to talk to him and i felt more at ease after talking to him for a bit.

why can't i just be normal around him? why do i have these feelings? moreover, he's a smart, insightful man. why'd he agree to be my temporary sponsor? we are both about the same age, same educational level, have similar interests, etc. we even look alike. wtf?

i'm so sad. my favorite person at AA gives me butterflies :(  

if you want to know the truth: i think we are both lonely and in dire need of attention from the opposite sex.

[ibizan]

One of AA's rules...and i've never cottoned much 2 rules....but i agree with this one is males sponsor males and females sponsor females due to what ur going thru.Great insight dear in ur realization that u r a raw walking wound......oh yes how i remember those rollercoaster emotions.....u need to really honor ur insides...and tend to them.....both of u r married......marriages get ravaged by alcoholism,,,it does take 2 2 tango....and sobriety is a rough time for individuals and for marital repair which takes TIME for things didn't arrive where they r overnite!to thine own self be true lily.....ur on the right track!

[lilyput]

i'm gonna call her tomorrow. start talking to her more than the male sponsor. he does have some reallly good advice and insight. i will just make sure that our contact is over the phone and inside the clubhouse only. i really don't think he was flirting. as far as him dressing up, he was wearing pants whereas he usually just wears shorts.

all this emotion is me. he did nothing but meet me at a different clubhouse to attend a meeting. however, i will not be so naive to think that he may not even be aware of his reasons for being my sponsor. it could be a subconscious need for validation from a female other than his wife, or they may be valid ones...i don't think he's ever had a sponsoree before, and he's anxious to "give it away to keep it." i've met his wife and daughters...all very sweet. she knows he's sponsoring me. my hubby knows he's sponsoring me.

that said, this was all too painful for me. it made me feel lonely, depressed, and angry. it made me question my marriage. my marriage has been difficult for some time now, but i got into AA to help my marriage, not destroy it.

i need to remember that i am huge, open raw walking wound. everything hurts right now.  i think the main problem right now is that i am having to deal with life's problems sober, and i'm not used to doing that. i've been numb for 10 years. this is so hard. *cry*

[ibizan]

good god girl ya got no biz out and about with tornadoes round ya!13th step is an unprinted one and he may seem sincere but there r those who use the guise of AA for other things no matter how sincere they profess 2 b.never flirted with u?what u describe in previous post is flirting!years ago after a NA meeting i thought it ok to go to the chairperson of the meetings place to listen to some music after a meeting.I thought this is ok he's 5 years clean.....a program person and me newly clean.He tried to put the moves on me...i got uncomfy and left.....and he told several ppl he had sex with me!ya better believe that he was missing a buttcheek after i got done with him!!!!i was shocked and it was a valuable lesson for me.....don't blindly trust ppl in 12 step just cuz they got sober/clean time and appear sincere.there is a saying...AA if full of sick ppl trying to get better and the drama of affairs and 13th step does exist in AA..ya wanna stay sober and have good recovery ya just won't go there!now about that female sponsor?

[lilyput]

omg i've been an emotional disaster today. going with my male sponsor just triggered me horribly.

not going to drink, though. i'm just gonna let these feelings pass through me, and NEVER go anywhere with my male sponsor again. holy crud! this has been awful!

i was so upset that i drove to my AA meeting without even realizing there were tornadoes touching down all around me. drove right into one. amazing i didn't get killed! trees uprooted before my eyes. people running off the road. by the time i got there i was shaking all over and couldn't quit. i just started crying and couldn't stop.

you are so right, ibizan. why on earth would he agree to take-on a female sponsoree? is it because he thinks he's so far into his sobriety that he can handle anything? that's playing russian roulette with both mine and his sobriety! he really does seem sincere. i don't think he's ever done anything like this, but i could be wrong. he's never flirted with me or anything, but who knows...

i didn't know there was a 13th step. heh. wow.

[ibizan]

ppl who do the 13th step in AA aka the horizontal bop can/do relapse over this feeling a remorse hangover later....this can jeopardize sobriety!

[working dog]

the goal is to stop drinking.... you may have an affair and even get devorced along the way...most folks take a look around in there 40s...your horny thats normal don't feel bad about it...i hate to say it but ....it's only been in the last maybe 100 years or so that both partners have lived together for more then like 15 years...the girl was about 15 and the guy maybe 18 or so...they had babies and one of them would die early on...so this living together for a long life time is kind of new....and when tested doesn't seem to work well in a lot of cases...whether you stay with your husband or not it sounds like your going to do ok with quiting alcohol....good luck....billy

[Jacker]

Okay, so you're mature enough to see the truck coming for you......NOW GET OUT OF THE ROAD.  It's one thing to flirt at a party or something, because you know everyone is going home.  This is someone you meet with on an emotional level because he understands what you're going through- bad news if your married.
They give courses on how not to get into these situations for shrinks and councilors  

[ibizan]

this is a disaster waiting to happen if u both allow it!ur female sponsor knows him from meetings...she does not know what goes on in the dark recessess of his mind!he also should knoew better than to take on a female sponsee....makes me wonder if ur not the first and don't b foolish enuf 2 think u r...u c where i'm going with this?use ur brains and not ur hormones and start going to meetings with ur female sponsor.u will so regret it if u allow things to progress 2 a sexual level......b-lieve me i've talked to many who've don't what u shouldn't and r thinking of and they felt like manure afterwards.......!