sick and tired

[march15oct5]

Hello,

After 13 years of sobriety, I relapsed.... I really hate that word, but I did.  I relapsed a little over a year ago.  I told myself that I could be a normal drinker.  I told myself that the problems I experienced years ago were over and now I can finally be a normal drinker.  But, I learned that I can't be a normal drinker.  I know this sounds ridiculous, but the fact that I can't drink like other people makes me incredibly sad and angry.  I don't want to be an alcoholic, but I am.  This pisses me off so much.  My drinking progressed quickly to at least a bottle of wine nightly.  I have black outs.  I hide my drinking.  I say things that hurt people and I don't remember the next day.  I have a hard time being there for my son or my fiance the next day because I am so hung over.  My son deserves his mom back.  My fiance deserves to go to dinner without fear of me embarrassing him.  I am so upset with myself for having this disease that causes so much pain.  I hate this,  I don't want to have this problem.  I can't take the remorse or shame anymore.  I try to remember how it felt before when I was sober, but it is hard to remember.  I know this is only going down hill from here.  So, I'm trying to quit again, but I am afraid.  I don't want to disappoint them.

[MYoungAtHeart]

Congrats to you on day 8 in your post.  

M

[ibizan]

at times i feel like life is boring and stupid but it is what i make it to be!NOT having blackouts anymore,driving drunk,getting high in the morn to feel i HAVE to  to make it thru the day.....much better kind of life...plus the money i do not waste anymore chasing the dragon who eventually bites me in the arse!i love the fall....all the colors...i enjoy simple things,the color of the sky,the songs of the cardinals....life is much better and i'm grateful for being alive!this is the only life we have here!

[march15oct5]

Hey Ejm,

Thank you for the comforting words & congrats on your 28 days.  I am on 8 now.  I can see things are getting better.  I had to wake up at 6 AM on Sat and Sun this weekend and was able to do so easily and without my head pounding. It was nice. I actually had the thought "the sunrise looks so pretty' when I was driving - something I hadn't had in awhile.  Most mornings had become "just make it through it".  I still have romantic feelings/thoughts about drinking and am kinda mourning.  It's so stupid, but I feel that way.  I feel like my life is going to be so boring and horrible.  Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

[Ejm7263]

So can relate. Had 7 years, stopped working the program 1 baby step at a time. It creeps up on you. I didn't drink for another couple of years. But my disease does not change but today I get to. On day 28 again:)
Get right back on the program, work it harder than ever, go to any lengths & be willing to take any suggestion.
Isn't it crazy just how baffling this is. So glad your back.

[ibizan]

I was told years ago that i didn't ask for this disease...but i AM RESPONSIBLE for what i allow it to do to myself!Its like being a diabetic......putting sugar in the body is toxic...for us putting alcohol/drugs in the body is toxic!I look at it this way,I'm ALLERGIC to alcohol!I have a HUGE family history of alcoholism on both sides of my family.I used to whine to myself why me?I had to stop wasting energy doing that for like the saying goes it is what it is.....and i MUST accept...and grow...or deny and eventually die from it!

[march15oct5]

Hello,

I made it to a meeting tonight.  In typical AA fashion, the chapter was "more about alcoholism."  I started to cry as the chapter was read.  There was my answer to why I can't drink like other people - because I am an alcoholic - duh.  The fact that I have the obsession to drink like others is further proof that I am an abnormal drinker.  In case I missed this, the point is covered over and over in the chapter.  It even tells me "Hey!  This is especially true for you because you are a female."  I can't deny it.  I still think it totally *****, but I am getting closer to step one again.  I am powerless over this.  I hate being powerless.  But, I am starting to feel better.

[MYoungAtHeart]

Stopping the alcohol does not stop the problems that were there with your last drink.  They have learned how to swim.  As soon as there is a relapse, the problems that have not been dealt with swim to the surface and have free reign with your life.

Sobriety is not just stopping the drug or the alcohol.  Sobriety is working on the issues that make life so painful that a person would rather pick up a drink or pill than a phone to call someone for help.
I do hope you don't waste much time while considering getting back into a sober life. We really are only given today to do it.

M

[ibizan]

You know how to do this...and please keep us informed of your progress here!I qualify for AA and NA-the NA book has a great chapter on Recovery/Relapse..it says either one of 2 things happens with a relapse...one doesn't stop nor return to recovery OR their relapse is a springboard to a better recovery program the next time around!

[march15oct5]

Yep - AA, sponsor, counseling, everything.  I stopped going.  But, yes, I am considering going back. Thank you.

[ibizan]

I sooooooooooooooo felt as you did 30 years ago before i went to detox/25 days of rehab.I resented the fact that i couldn't be a social drinker/recreational drug user for the first 2 years of my recovery.But i learned that feeling that way was robbing me of precious recovery time.Did you go to AA?have a good sponsor?were you in any type of counseling?If so, would you consider returning?