Aa
My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?
I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly. My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking. If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention. If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine. Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper. I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?
Regards, confusedangry
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly. My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking. If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention. If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine. Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper. I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?
Regards, confusedangry
COMMUNITY LEADER
lucas46 from Finland..quite a different cultural view on the drinking....we know regulated drinking not possible with what has been described......and i laughed at the statement"your wife deserves it??????jeesh!
I don't get some people,I've tried regulating my drinking habits many times but it never lasted long 1 day a week led to 2 then to 3 etc.I admit I would love to have a drink 1 night a week but if I'm honest with myself I know it doesn't stay at that.
We kinda lost your stuff there, didn't we? So - yeah - your lady is an alcoholic. How is that Alanon going? Leave your book laying around where she can look at it. My family did that with me. Kinda helped.
Take Care
Tink
Take Care
Tink
Still digesting the latest round of posts on this thread...
My dad went into the hospital for almost two weeks with serious heart problems. We thought he was a goner this time. By some miracle he is home and doing fine now. I spent Thanksgiving week driving my mother back and forth to the hospital every day and I crashed at my parents house which is 2 hours from my home. I'm back home now.
My wife was making an attempt to control her drinking before I left to help my dad. I guess it was because of our last fight. Things were pretty cold between us for a while. While I was gone I made sure to call home each night. She was drunk most nights. I worried a bit for the kids but it appears that she only drank at home and didn't drive drunk. She has been really good about not driving after she has been drinking. I figured if there was a fire in the house or some other emergency then one of my daughters, 10 and 13, would be able to get everyone out of the house or call 911. That's how I rationalized the situation.
The alcohol is flowing again. We hardly talk. It's lonely and sad. Not sure the kids notice. Just thinking about tomorrow.
My dad went into the hospital for almost two weeks with serious heart problems. We thought he was a goner this time. By some miracle he is home and doing fine now. I spent Thanksgiving week driving my mother back and forth to the hospital every day and I crashed at my parents house which is 2 hours from my home. I'm back home now.
My wife was making an attempt to control her drinking before I left to help my dad. I guess it was because of our last fight. Things were pretty cold between us for a while. While I was gone I made sure to call home each night. She was drunk most nights. I worried a bit for the kids but it appears that she only drank at home and didn't drive drunk. She has been really good about not driving after she has been drinking. I figured if there was a fire in the house or some other emergency then one of my daughters, 10 and 13, would be able to get everyone out of the house or call 911. That's how I rationalized the situation.
The alcohol is flowing again. We hardly talk. It's lonely and sad. Not sure the kids notice. Just thinking about tomorrow.
COMMUNITY LEADER
so sorry about ur dad and wifes continued problem...u have a full plate!Sometimes we have to engage in hoaxster control here.....hopefully it does not re-appear!
I hope your dad is still on the road to recovery.
As for your wife, your kids know what is going on. I always thought i was hiding it from mine and i was wrong. You do understand that the fire rationalization isnt very healthy dont you? I hope you will really check into some sort of aftercare for yourself and your kids. You cant change your wifes behavior. You can only change yours and how you react to the situation. I hope your wife will see the light real soon. Families can be just as sick as the addict. Keep posting as we are here for you sara
As for your wife, your kids know what is going on. I always thought i was hiding it from mine and i was wrong. You do understand that the fire rationalization isnt very healthy dont you? I hope you will really check into some sort of aftercare for yourself and your kids. You cant change your wifes behavior. You can only change yours and how you react to the situation. I hope your wife will see the light real soon. Families can be just as sick as the addict. Keep posting as we are here for you sara
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