Aa
Not looking for answers....just support - my story
I am the wife of a chronic alcoholic. We will be married 22 years in July. We moved from MN to OH in 2011 after his dad "kicked" us off the farm we were living on (his dad owned it) to see if AH would make any kind of positive changes in his life.
He proceeded to get a DUI and ended up in jail for 3 months, so I had to make the move to OH without him with our then 8 year old daughter and pets of various types and sizes.
When he got out of jail it took him several more weeks to get it together to pack up the rest of the farmhouse and head out to OH. The day he got out of jail he bought a drink. He has been in and out of detox at least 50 times throughout our marriage. Inpatient rehab 4 times and countless times to just the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital due to whatever ailment he decided he was having because there was no way he was going to ever blame this on the alcohol.
His last trip to the hospital to "dry out" was January 11th and he demanded to be released only 2 days later, at which point he went back to his destructive lifestyle minus the drinking. But cocaine and weed were in the mix. On February 15 he started drinking again. He stopped going out every night because he wont drink and drive at least. Well once he starts drinking he stops doing anything else. So he would sleep in his chair and once the chair became too uncomfortable, he moved to the couch, and that is where he has been since March.
The last 10 weeks have been rough. He has mobility issues to begin with, so he uses a cane. When the cane got too hard for him to use he purchased a walker. Now he wont even get up. He is wearing Depends. He pees in the urinals. His behavior has become inappropriate. He hired a "housekeeper/caregiver" to come over 2ce a week, but once he made inappropriate comments to her, she quit. His hands are "tingling" non stop. He is having a very hard time sleeping, and when he does sleep, his dreams are very vivid and weird. His short term memory is completely gone. He doesnt know if it is day or night. He asks me the same questions over and over again and tells me the same stories over and over again. I have not seen yellow skin or eyes, but the eyes are glazed over. He has lost all muscle mass. He was an overweight 230 lbs for his height this time last year. If he is even 150 lbs now I would be surprised. When I was helping him sit up the other night I put my hands around his leg and there was a huge gap.
I have been doing A LOT of research lately of what to expect and what to prepare myself for, as I know his days are numbered.
I finally called one of his brothers to let him know what is going on. My biggest fear in talking to him was being judged for my "role" in AH's life - if you will. But his brother was more than supportive and made sure I did not feel judged. He said in fact that the only anger he has ever had for me was for not leaving the marriage!
We have 1 daughter. She is 12 and keeps me busy with her activities and being a pre-teen. She is a figure skater, she plays the flute and violin and is really big into Anime and video games. NO BOYS YET thank goodness! Starting today I have her walking home to a friend's house instead of coming home after school. I am scared of what she might find. She is 12. I don't want her to grow up any faster than she already has had to.
I suffer from chronic migraine - meaning I have a headache LITERALLY every.single.day. I am currently in a research trial trying a drug that might help, but so far it has not. While the stress in my life does not help the headaches, it certainly is not the cause of it, as I have had these headaches my entire life.
I think that is all I have for now. I found this forum through Google when I asked "how much time does he have left" or something like that, and I read a thread in this community started by Tinker35. I think I need to be here right now.
I have tried Alanon several times and even had a sponsor in MN. My sponsor turned on me and started passing judgement. I never went back. I have 3 sisters and my dad and a lot of friends here. I am not willing to give Alanon another try.
L.
He proceeded to get a DUI and ended up in jail for 3 months, so I had to make the move to OH without him with our then 8 year old daughter and pets of various types and sizes.
When he got out of jail it took him several more weeks to get it together to pack up the rest of the farmhouse and head out to OH. The day he got out of jail he bought a drink. He has been in and out of detox at least 50 times throughout our marriage. Inpatient rehab 4 times and countless times to just the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital due to whatever ailment he decided he was having because there was no way he was going to ever blame this on the alcohol.
His last trip to the hospital to "dry out" was January 11th and he demanded to be released only 2 days later, at which point he went back to his destructive lifestyle minus the drinking. But cocaine and weed were in the mix. On February 15 he started drinking again. He stopped going out every night because he wont drink and drive at least. Well once he starts drinking he stops doing anything else. So he would sleep in his chair and once the chair became too uncomfortable, he moved to the couch, and that is where he has been since March.
The last 10 weeks have been rough. He has mobility issues to begin with, so he uses a cane. When the cane got too hard for him to use he purchased a walker. Now he wont even get up. He is wearing Depends. He pees in the urinals. His behavior has become inappropriate. He hired a "housekeeper/caregiver" to come over 2ce a week, but once he made inappropriate comments to her, she quit. His hands are "tingling" non stop. He is having a very hard time sleeping, and when he does sleep, his dreams are very vivid and weird. His short term memory is completely gone. He doesnt know if it is day or night. He asks me the same questions over and over again and tells me the same stories over and over again. I have not seen yellow skin or eyes, but the eyes are glazed over. He has lost all muscle mass. He was an overweight 230 lbs for his height this time last year. If he is even 150 lbs now I would be surprised. When I was helping him sit up the other night I put my hands around his leg and there was a huge gap.
I have been doing A LOT of research lately of what to expect and what to prepare myself for, as I know his days are numbered.
I finally called one of his brothers to let him know what is going on. My biggest fear in talking to him was being judged for my "role" in AH's life - if you will. But his brother was more than supportive and made sure I did not feel judged. He said in fact that the only anger he has ever had for me was for not leaving the marriage!
We have 1 daughter. She is 12 and keeps me busy with her activities and being a pre-teen. She is a figure skater, she plays the flute and violin and is really big into Anime and video games. NO BOYS YET thank goodness! Starting today I have her walking home to a friend's house instead of coming home after school. I am scared of what she might find. She is 12. I don't want her to grow up any faster than she already has had to.
I suffer from chronic migraine - meaning I have a headache LITERALLY every.single.day. I am currently in a research trial trying a drug that might help, but so far it has not. While the stress in my life does not help the headaches, it certainly is not the cause of it, as I have had these headaches my entire life.
I think that is all I have for now. I found this forum through Google when I asked "how much time does he have left" or something like that, and I read a thread in this community started by Tinker35. I think I need to be here right now.
I have tried Alanon several times and even had a sponsor in MN. My sponsor turned on me and started passing judgement. I never went back. I have 3 sisters and my dad and a lot of friends here. I am not willing to give Alanon another try.
L.
Best Answer
Haha. I have no idea how I checked this one to make it the best comment. LOL.
L.
L.
It just figures I got sick over the weekend. I think it was allergies more than anything, but good grief!
So I will reschedule with my friend. He told me to stay home and get rest. His fiance killed herself several years ago. She overdosed but it was the alcohol that drove her to it. He knows all too well what my days are like.
I hate hearing the stories of the people who die way too young and have so much going for them.
We had a friend many years ago, he got caught in flood waters where a ditch washed out. His car landed on top of another car. They only found the second car because they found him. Both of them died.
I remember my husband holding his head way back them saying it should have been him and not this other guy. He knew back then how much he was wasting his life on this addiction. I remember telling him to make some sense of the tragedy and work towards making his life better. Obviously he never did.
Yesterday, as I was changing his pants for him he said yet again "what has my life become" I told him it was the same as it was when he said that the day before that, and the day before that. He is just feeling sorry for himself anymore and not trying to anything about it. He has given up.
For those of you battling this disease and working hard to stay sober I congratulate you. For those of you stumbling along the way, I congratulate you for not giving up. Keep it up! You are all doing great. If you don't think you can do it, I know you can, because you wouldn't be on this forum working so hard otherwise.
L.
So I will reschedule with my friend. He told me to stay home and get rest. His fiance killed herself several years ago. She overdosed but it was the alcohol that drove her to it. He knows all too well what my days are like.
I hate hearing the stories of the people who die way too young and have so much going for them.
We had a friend many years ago, he got caught in flood waters where a ditch washed out. His car landed on top of another car. They only found the second car because they found him. Both of them died.
I remember my husband holding his head way back them saying it should have been him and not this other guy. He knew back then how much he was wasting his life on this addiction. I remember telling him to make some sense of the tragedy and work towards making his life better. Obviously he never did.
Yesterday, as I was changing his pants for him he said yet again "what has my life become" I told him it was the same as it was when he said that the day before that, and the day before that. He is just feeling sorry for himself anymore and not trying to anything about it. He has given up.
For those of you battling this disease and working hard to stay sober I congratulate you. For those of you stumbling along the way, I congratulate you for not giving up. Keep it up! You are all doing great. If you don't think you can do it, I know you can, because you wouldn't be on this forum working so hard otherwise.
L.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I hope...just for a few hours...when you're on that 4 wheeler....your mind will be free and and the dog chasing its tail thoughts dissipate....for that moment!:)this man does not deserve YOU!how he wastes life!just this morning i read an obituary of a 32 year old woman who died from ALS...very accomplished in life,so many things she didn't get to finish...what she most likely would give to have the breath he is NOW wasting!sigh!
I hope you have a restful and lovely weekend., and still manage to go on Sunday. i've never gone 4 wheeling, but it sure looks fun.
Thanks for the positive feedback about my parenting. I really appreciate it. I read the poem and it brought tears to my eyes.
I have been dealing with the drinking for the better part of 20 years and I still find it amazing that the exact way I feel can be summed up in a poem, or explained by someone the exact same way I would have. It is comforting to know that there are a lot of people out there who totally get what I feel.
He spoke of the hospital this evening... Just like he does every night. I asked him when he thought he might want to go and he said "at the last possible minute. I don't want those A-holes taking care of me".
I know how to pick my battles so I didn't comment.
I'm glad the work week is over. Hopefully I can sleep in tomorrow.
I have been dealing with the drinking for the better part of 20 years and I still find it amazing that the exact way I feel can be summed up in a poem, or explained by someone the exact same way I would have. It is comforting to know that there are a lot of people out there who totally get what I feel.
He spoke of the hospital this evening... Just like he does every night. I asked him when he thought he might want to go and he said "at the last possible minute. I don't want those A-holes taking care of me".
I know how to pick my battles so I didn't comment.
I'm glad the work week is over. Hopefully I can sleep in tomorrow.
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