Aa
Not looking for answers....just support - my story
I am the wife of a chronic alcoholic. We will be married 22 years in July. We moved from MN to OH in 2011 after his dad "kicked" us off the farm we were living on (his dad owned it) to see if AH would make any kind of positive changes in his life.
He proceeded to get a DUI and ended up in jail for 3 months, so I had to make the move to OH without him with our then 8 year old daughter and pets of various types and sizes.
When he got out of jail it took him several more weeks to get it together to pack up the rest of the farmhouse and head out to OH. The day he got out of jail he bought a drink. He has been in and out of detox at least 50 times throughout our marriage. Inpatient rehab 4 times and countless times to just the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital due to whatever ailment he decided he was having because there was no way he was going to ever blame this on the alcohol.
His last trip to the hospital to "dry out" was January 11th and he demanded to be released only 2 days later, at which point he went back to his destructive lifestyle minus the drinking. But cocaine and weed were in the mix. On February 15 he started drinking again. He stopped going out every night because he wont drink and drive at least. Well once he starts drinking he stops doing anything else. So he would sleep in his chair and once the chair became too uncomfortable, he moved to the couch, and that is where he has been since March.
The last 10 weeks have been rough. He has mobility issues to begin with, so he uses a cane. When the cane got too hard for him to use he purchased a walker. Now he wont even get up. He is wearing Depends. He pees in the urinals. His behavior has become inappropriate. He hired a "housekeeper/caregiver" to come over 2ce a week, but once he made inappropriate comments to her, she quit. His hands are "tingling" non stop. He is having a very hard time sleeping, and when he does sleep, his dreams are very vivid and weird. His short term memory is completely gone. He doesnt know if it is day or night. He asks me the same questions over and over again and tells me the same stories over and over again. I have not seen yellow skin or eyes, but the eyes are glazed over. He has lost all muscle mass. He was an overweight 230 lbs for his height this time last year. If he is even 150 lbs now I would be surprised. When I was helping him sit up the other night I put my hands around his leg and there was a huge gap.
I have been doing A LOT of research lately of what to expect and what to prepare myself for, as I know his days are numbered.
I finally called one of his brothers to let him know what is going on. My biggest fear in talking to him was being judged for my "role" in AH's life - if you will. But his brother was more than supportive and made sure I did not feel judged. He said in fact that the only anger he has ever had for me was for not leaving the marriage!
We have 1 daughter. She is 12 and keeps me busy with her activities and being a pre-teen. She is a figure skater, she plays the flute and violin and is really big into Anime and video games. NO BOYS YET thank goodness! Starting today I have her walking home to a friend's house instead of coming home after school. I am scared of what she might find. She is 12. I don't want her to grow up any faster than she already has had to.
I suffer from chronic migraine - meaning I have a headache LITERALLY every.single.day. I am currently in a research trial trying a drug that might help, but so far it has not. While the stress in my life does not help the headaches, it certainly is not the cause of it, as I have had these headaches my entire life.
I think that is all I have for now. I found this forum through Google when I asked "how much time does he have left" or something like that, and I read a thread in this community started by Tinker35. I think I need to be here right now.
I have tried Alanon several times and even had a sponsor in MN. My sponsor turned on me and started passing judgement. I never went back. I have 3 sisters and my dad and a lot of friends here. I am not willing to give Alanon another try.
L.
He proceeded to get a DUI and ended up in jail for 3 months, so I had to make the move to OH without him with our then 8 year old daughter and pets of various types and sizes.
When he got out of jail it took him several more weeks to get it together to pack up the rest of the farmhouse and head out to OH. The day he got out of jail he bought a drink. He has been in and out of detox at least 50 times throughout our marriage. Inpatient rehab 4 times and countless times to just the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital due to whatever ailment he decided he was having because there was no way he was going to ever blame this on the alcohol.
His last trip to the hospital to "dry out" was January 11th and he demanded to be released only 2 days later, at which point he went back to his destructive lifestyle minus the drinking. But cocaine and weed were in the mix. On February 15 he started drinking again. He stopped going out every night because he wont drink and drive at least. Well once he starts drinking he stops doing anything else. So he would sleep in his chair and once the chair became too uncomfortable, he moved to the couch, and that is where he has been since March.
The last 10 weeks have been rough. He has mobility issues to begin with, so he uses a cane. When the cane got too hard for him to use he purchased a walker. Now he wont even get up. He is wearing Depends. He pees in the urinals. His behavior has become inappropriate. He hired a "housekeeper/caregiver" to come over 2ce a week, but once he made inappropriate comments to her, she quit. His hands are "tingling" non stop. He is having a very hard time sleeping, and when he does sleep, his dreams are very vivid and weird. His short term memory is completely gone. He doesnt know if it is day or night. He asks me the same questions over and over again and tells me the same stories over and over again. I have not seen yellow skin or eyes, but the eyes are glazed over. He has lost all muscle mass. He was an overweight 230 lbs for his height this time last year. If he is even 150 lbs now I would be surprised. When I was helping him sit up the other night I put my hands around his leg and there was a huge gap.
I have been doing A LOT of research lately of what to expect and what to prepare myself for, as I know his days are numbered.
I finally called one of his brothers to let him know what is going on. My biggest fear in talking to him was being judged for my "role" in AH's life - if you will. But his brother was more than supportive and made sure I did not feel judged. He said in fact that the only anger he has ever had for me was for not leaving the marriage!
We have 1 daughter. She is 12 and keeps me busy with her activities and being a pre-teen. She is a figure skater, she plays the flute and violin and is really big into Anime and video games. NO BOYS YET thank goodness! Starting today I have her walking home to a friend's house instead of coming home after school. I am scared of what she might find. She is 12. I don't want her to grow up any faster than she already has had to.
I suffer from chronic migraine - meaning I have a headache LITERALLY every.single.day. I am currently in a research trial trying a drug that might help, but so far it has not. While the stress in my life does not help the headaches, it certainly is not the cause of it, as I have had these headaches my entire life.
I think that is all I have for now. I found this forum through Google when I asked "how much time does he have left" or something like that, and I read a thread in this community started by Tinker35. I think I need to be here right now.
I have tried Alanon several times and even had a sponsor in MN. My sponsor turned on me and started passing judgement. I never went back. I have 3 sisters and my dad and a lot of friends here. I am not willing to give Alanon another try.
L.
Best Answer
COMMUNITY LEADER
MEGA positive energy out to you in a most trying situation!You've taken too much but handled it like the strong woman you are. Google the poem Comes the Dawn and you'll see!
Prayers out to you Skatemom. You are fighting the fight for you and your daughter and you are AMAZING! Keep the focus on her and how she is managing...she is giving you the cues and you are reading them. You are a strong lady in a very difficult situation.
Prayers out to you!
Prayers out to you!
Thanks Liz. I also talked to his younger brother yesterday. It went much better than I thought it would. I'm just so full of anxiety and unnecessary guilt.
I know the three c's. I didn't cause this. I can't control it and I know I can't cure it. But I will always have in my mind that everyone is saying behind my back that I could have or should have done more. That if only I had put my foot down just a little bit more then he wouldn't be in this state.
I come home full of anxiety wondering what I will find when I walk in the house. I'm getting very little sleep because he keeps waking me up for something or another.
One of my friends invited me to go four wheeling on Sunday do I think I am going to go. I need a break. And it sounds like carefree fun.
My daughter has a research paper due tomorrow and she got it written but didn't get to the works cited page. It was late and so I told her to go to bed and I would put it together for her. It took me 2 more hours because I had to figure out the way it needed to be done. I can't even imagine how long it would have taken a 12 year old with no attention span!
All is finally quiet in the house. I think I will try to get some sleep.
I know the three c's. I didn't cause this. I can't control it and I know I can't cure it. But I will always have in my mind that everyone is saying behind my back that I could have or should have done more. That if only I had put my foot down just a little bit more then he wouldn't be in this state.
I come home full of anxiety wondering what I will find when I walk in the house. I'm getting very little sleep because he keeps waking me up for something or another.
One of my friends invited me to go four wheeling on Sunday do I think I am going to go. I need a break. And it sounds like carefree fun.
My daughter has a research paper due tomorrow and she got it written but didn't get to the works cited page. It was late and so I told her to go to bed and I would put it together for her. It took me 2 more hours because I had to figure out the way it needed to be done. I can't even imagine how long it would have taken a 12 year old with no attention span!
All is finally quiet in the house. I think I will try to get some sleep.
I'm glad that you two are so close, and super glad that your daughter felt able to reach out. No doubt because you let her know it was okay. So, good job Mom. I'm really sorry that you're going through such pain right now. God knows This Too Shall Pass. I pray for your husband's health, and your spirit.
Liz
Liz
Thanks for your comments. I have asked her numerous times about going to alateen or talking to a counselor. She doesn't want to have anything to do with it. I explained to her that she is in a safe place with other kids who know how she feels. But still.... She gets very upset when I try to discuss it with her.
I have encouraged her to talk to the guidance counselor at school. She had a particularly rough day one day last week and broke down and went to the guidance counselor and talked about alot of stuff about her dad and home life. I was so glad she did. I followed up with a quick email to the guidance counselor to thank her and she told me she was glad my daughter finally did come talk to her. She has also told a few of her closest friends about her dad. I told her that was fine. That's what friends are for after all... and I am glad to know she is building strong friendships at this age.
I worry a lot about what she is going through. Taking care of her and making sure she is safe is my first priority. Love that kid lots.
I have encouraged her to talk to the guidance counselor at school. She had a particularly rough day one day last week and broke down and went to the guidance counselor and talked about alot of stuff about her dad and home life. I was so glad she did. I followed up with a quick email to the guidance counselor to thank her and she told me she was glad my daughter finally did come talk to her. She has also told a few of her closest friends about her dad. I told her that was fine. That's what friends are for after all... and I am glad to know she is building strong friendships at this age.
I worry a lot about what she is going through. Taking care of her and making sure she is safe is my first priority. Love that kid lots.
Sorry if i repeated myself. It's hard to edit everything in these little tiny boxes.lol
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