Aa
Sobriety is Scary
My name is Jim and I am an alcoholic; my last drink was 45 days ago.
I started this post hoping that this would give some of us a chance to share our feelings, fears, experiances, and support mechanisms.
I, for one, am not comfortable in groups of people (sharing my feelings or not), so I was hoping this might give me (and others like me) both an emotional outlet as well as a forum that doesn’t take me too far out of my comfort zone.
I started this post hoping that this would give some of us a chance to share our feelings, fears, experiances, and support mechanisms.
I, for one, am not comfortable in groups of people (sharing my feelings or not), so I was hoping this might give me (and others like me) both an emotional outlet as well as a forum that doesn’t take me too far out of my comfort zone.
Best Answer
All i had to look forward to was death had i continued drinking. My body was shutting down. I was constantly at war in my head and was drinking whiskey every single day. My relationships with family members was non existant as they saw what was going on with me and would call me out on it, i knew they were right so i just stayed away and drank more. I thought numbing my pain was easier than really dealing with my issues. My grandson was born in this period and i was never allowed to have him as i thought i was just fine, the rest of the world was F'd up. After i sobered up my drug abuse really kicked in, all i had done was traded one addiction for another. April 2008 i put the drugs down and decided once again i was not going to live much longer if i continued. I had had enough and it was time to find me as i never really knew who i was before. I stepped out of my comfort zone and took chances. Using was only a symptom of what was really going on. There is pain dealing with our demons but they are nothing compared to the pain we deal with while using. As one person said once you surrender the war is over. Take baby steps, focus on the journey, not the destination. Congrats on wanting to get your life back. It is the greatest thing you can give yourself~~~sara
I drank every day for many years, in the early days it was ok. I would meet friends for a few beers, go to sporting events and a few beers after, go for a meal and a few beers after, everything we did involved drinking. Over the years I started drinking more and more. I was aware that I was drinking more than my friends and I was drinking my drinks faster than they were. I then started to have a few drinks before I would meet my friends. I drank to get drunk, my friends did not so gradually we drifted apart. I enjoyed the company of people like me, people who just wanted to get that buzz that you get when you first start drinking. I spent years chancing that buzz, drinking more and more but never finding it.I started to have blackouts, they became a daily Occurrence.
I started drinking at home, within a very short time I was fearful to leave the house, I became permanently depressed and paranoid, my thoughts were racing, I was on a roller-coaster. I could not sleep so I started taking cough mixture to try to help with sleeping. If I did not have drink near me I would panic, I would go into the horrors. I was admitted for detox a few times but I would drink after leaving the hospital and it would not be long before I was back to square one.
In 2002 I was again admitted to hospital. This time I had medical problems as well as the mental & emotional issues. I was in for just over two months, I started going to AA. I went to an inpatient treatment centre for 28 days but it was AA that has helped me to keep me sober.
Now my worst day sober beats my best day drunk. I fear what would happen if I were to pick up just one drink.
I started drinking at home, within a very short time I was fearful to leave the house, I became permanently depressed and paranoid, my thoughts were racing, I was on a roller-coaster. I could not sleep so I started taking cough mixture to try to help with sleeping. If I did not have drink near me I would panic, I would go into the horrors. I was admitted for detox a few times but I would drink after leaving the hospital and it would not be long before I was back to square one.
In 2002 I was again admitted to hospital. This time I had medical problems as well as the mental & emotional issues. I was in for just over two months, I started going to AA. I went to an inpatient treatment centre for 28 days but it was AA that has helped me to keep me sober.
Now my worst day sober beats my best day drunk. I fear what would happen if I were to pick up just one drink.
Powerful powerful words Sara and rod!
I find it interesting that no matter what a fellow alcoholic shares, I can identify with many parts of their story.
I started drinking seriously in my 20's. Being raised in a heavy handed strict home and I was a very sensitive person, afraid of everything, I did everything by the book. Even then I was considered naughty. Punishment was severe in my home growing up so I learned to lie and justify. Here lies the foundation for the perfectly trained alcoholic.
Long story short, I Always drank to get drunk but always had a reason to drink and was good at hiding it. (I thought) Early on I cooked with wine and the Graham Kerr recipes called for wine for the dish and wine for me. (he is a fellow recovery person celeb now lol).
From my abusive marriage to being a single Mom I can list all the reasons why I drank but none of them were true.
I drank because #1 I am an alcoholic, #2 I am constitutionally unprepared to deal with life on life's terms.
It took me four tries of months sober and then relapse for me to try an out patient program. When it was done, I drank. I met my now husband who was an alcoholic (I had no idea) and we had drunked bliss for more years to come. We married and I didn't like after a while the family dynamics of two drunk parents and two great kids. The kids were away with Dad most weekends but there was carting back and forth and even with being a drunk, I had one rule "don't drink and drive". This put a cramp in my drinking lol.
I was finding work to be more difficult (teaching). I never drank on the job but hangovers are no fun with emotionally disturbed children as students.
I went into long term rehab.
I had been around AA, met some great people some not so great. That is people in general, not AA, the program of AA is great!! The twelve steps and traditions were written by a struggling alcoholic Bill and divine inspiration. If anyone does anything, read the Twelve steps, OMG! watch The Bill Wilson story, movie!!!
I went back out.
I had never surrendered to a higher power :-/ did not get it at all!
I need to really get something in order to submit to it, to jump in both feet. What I did not realize it was not about giving in, it was about becoming aware, For Me.
I had not hit bottom, my bottom. I don't give up easy. To me hitting bottom was giving up. What I didn't realize was it was giving up my control of insanity.
Flash ahead....i cannot recollect details but there were horrible withdrawals, liver enzymes off, memory lapse, depression, anxiety and finally doctors and doctors. Everything was hard, work, family, life.
One day reluctantly, I shouted to God that I give in!!
Weird, when the physical tightness wore off, I could breathe better, and my body was less clenched, I felt my mind was less complicated.
I noticed days later I had not had the obcession to drink that use to cause me difficulty breathing.
Through all the relationship stuff now, my devastating health mysteries, and all the crap life hands me, I have not had a drink.
I'd lie to you if I said that on day 90 of a migraine that I haven't thought of a scotch but with the strength and wisdom I have now from the words in the Twelve steps and the true friends I have from AA, my husband for one, I do not drink.
You need not ask for this thread to continue. It will take on its own life, watch, it will be a beautiful thing.
I find it interesting that no matter what a fellow alcoholic shares, I can identify with many parts of their story.
I started drinking seriously in my 20's. Being raised in a heavy handed strict home and I was a very sensitive person, afraid of everything, I did everything by the book. Even then I was considered naughty. Punishment was severe in my home growing up so I learned to lie and justify. Here lies the foundation for the perfectly trained alcoholic.
Long story short, I Always drank to get drunk but always had a reason to drink and was good at hiding it. (I thought) Early on I cooked with wine and the Graham Kerr recipes called for wine for the dish and wine for me. (he is a fellow recovery person celeb now lol).
From my abusive marriage to being a single Mom I can list all the reasons why I drank but none of them were true.
I drank because #1 I am an alcoholic, #2 I am constitutionally unprepared to deal with life on life's terms.
It took me four tries of months sober and then relapse for me to try an out patient program. When it was done, I drank. I met my now husband who was an alcoholic (I had no idea) and we had drunked bliss for more years to come. We married and I didn't like after a while the family dynamics of two drunk parents and two great kids. The kids were away with Dad most weekends but there was carting back and forth and even with being a drunk, I had one rule "don't drink and drive". This put a cramp in my drinking lol.
I was finding work to be more difficult (teaching). I never drank on the job but hangovers are no fun with emotionally disturbed children as students.
I went into long term rehab.
I had been around AA, met some great people some not so great. That is people in general, not AA, the program of AA is great!! The twelve steps and traditions were written by a struggling alcoholic Bill and divine inspiration. If anyone does anything, read the Twelve steps, OMG! watch The Bill Wilson story, movie!!!
I went back out.
I had never surrendered to a higher power :-/ did not get it at all!
I need to really get something in order to submit to it, to jump in both feet. What I did not realize it was not about giving in, it was about becoming aware, For Me.
I had not hit bottom, my bottom. I don't give up easy. To me hitting bottom was giving up. What I didn't realize was it was giving up my control of insanity.
Flash ahead....i cannot recollect details but there were horrible withdrawals, liver enzymes off, memory lapse, depression, anxiety and finally doctors and doctors. Everything was hard, work, family, life.
One day reluctantly, I shouted to God that I give in!!
Weird, when the physical tightness wore off, I could breathe better, and my body was less clenched, I felt my mind was less complicated.
I noticed days later I had not had the obcession to drink that use to cause me difficulty breathing.
Through all the relationship stuff now, my devastating health mysteries, and all the crap life hands me, I have not had a drink.
I'd lie to you if I said that on day 90 of a migraine that I haven't thought of a scotch but with the strength and wisdom I have now from the words in the Twelve steps and the true friends I have from AA, my husband for one, I do not drink.
You need not ask for this thread to continue. It will take on its own life, watch, it will be a beautiful thing.
COMMUNITY LEADER
i check this forum several times a day to see if my comments can shed some light......we do tend to the newcomers needs who seriously want help to stay sober/clean!i b watching for u!:)
Losing my daughter in a nasty custody fight was the bottom for me until i learned there were trap doors to my bottom. Little did i know then she had just gotten smarter than i had and she had to do what she did to save herself as i couldnt do that for her as i was way to sick to save anyone let alone myself. Today my relationship has healed with her, i am finally her mom. I have been blessed with another grandbaby and they are the loves of my life. I dont have a pot to pee in due to my past behaviors but i also am the richest woman alive as i am sober/clean today, my family is back and that is all that matters.
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I'd be happy to keep touch. We've all made our mistakes but the fact we are given this opportunity to change can't be all bad. Have a good night and congrats on another day.
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