my husband

[tls83]

hello,
   my husbands mother and father are/ were alcoholics and i know that my husband is one as well. he has promised me that he would quit drinking for a few reasons. one is for his kids, and two because of his health he now has extreamly high blood pressure. and three to save our marrage. and my question is how can i be more supportive to him. i try to encourage him to go and see a councler and to go to aa. i also tell him how proud of him i am and tell him how proud of him for how good he is doing for not drinking and ect. i just wish i knew what i could do more. all my life i have had alcoholic family members and i hate it myself (alcohol that is) i drink one in an every now blue moon but i hate it. and i just don't want my kids to grow up in the same environment that i grew up in.  any suggestions. i would be greatly appreciated. thank you

[Spooty]

I can understand your concerns, I am the daughter of an alhoholic, maybe hearing my story might show how damaging this can be for the children, my dad was an alchoholic and suffered depression. my father was the best Dad and nicest person when he was sober when drunk he was violent, I dont think he ever realised how many friends he had. I have memories of my father getting drunk and beating my mother unconcious, he would sit in the lounge room drunk while me and my brothers hid under the bed listening to him click a gun, my older brother was always running to the neighbours to call the police, he would buy non alcholic beer and replace it with alcholic beer, he would drink anything even cooking sherry, I would find his alcholic stash and tip it out and replace with water, when he drank we were scarred. My father got so drunk one night he tried to sexually molest me, I was so scared I fought him of and locked myself in my room, the sad thing is that he did not remember this. unfortuantely for my father it was to late, he commited suicide when I was 15 years old in the garage of my home and I was the lucky person to find his body, I cant tell you how much this messed me up, back then you did not get councelling it was all shell be right mate, 13 years later I was treated for  Post traumatic Stress Syndrome and had to see a phsyciatrist. the funny thing is I married a man who is nothing like my father and does not drink.  my middle brother has the same persoanality, he gets violent with alchol and he avoids drinking, I dont drink as I have an addictive personality as well.  the problem is unless he recognises that he has a problem nothing will change, I have heaqrd every excuse possible, my father would tell people what they wanted to hear and the amount of times he went to AA, most people have to hit rock bottom before they are willing to change and they have to want to change, the alchol comes first, I know we were always second to the bottle. you really have to have tough love as well. alcholism tends to run in families, I have made sure I have educated my kids on alchohol as best as I can.  I would really recommend joining a support group for the family of alcholholics. my father died 24 years ago and I still have tears in my eyes typing this. alchohol is a terrible disease that destroys not only the sufferer but all around them.  I wish you and your husband the best of luck and I really hope he can beat this.

[Josh33]

Hi there,

I know what you are going through.  My boyfriend has been sober for one month and four days.  He went through an out patient rehab and now goes two times a week.  It was really stressful and I still have worry.  I was trying so hard to create a stress free environment for him.  I would keep any frustrations over our disagreements to myself so that I wouldn't upset him. It was incredibly difficult and we don't have any kids.  I can't imagine what it would be like with two little ones.  I sympathize with you.  I will share a little about my experience and hopefully it will help you too.  

I went to a therapist last week to get some help for myself.  She taught me that I need to be myself with him.  That pretending little disagreements don't bother me and "letting them go" doesn't really help me or him.  She said that alcoholics drink to keep all things(emotions, etc...) even  and stable, where they don't feel the regular bumps(highs and lows) that everyone else is used to.  She said that he has to begin to get used to these feelings.  I can't create this false environment because eventually, he has to feel the feelings that come a long with everyday life.  

So, as a "caretaker" in every sense of the term...I had to look at it like, he has to do this on his own and I am NOT helping by doing things to protect him or do things for him.  It's hard to accept...but it makes total sense to me.  Our interaction has improved so much since I have gone back to being myself.  I have also relieved a lot of my stress by knowing that I support him and I am here for him...but for his own good...he needs to do this on his own.  

I do try and think of activities for us...but not too many.  At some point...he will have to learn how to be home for the evening with nothing to do and not drink.  This is a reality of life; however, I think that it's okay for now since it's so soon in his recovery to find fun distractions.      

I wish you so much luck, patience, and happiness!    

[ibizan]

i know u will..u r already beginning 2 do so!

[tls83]

thanx i will...

[ibizan]

i know u r there and will do anything to help him.....u r quite the caretaker of others to the exclusion of ur own needs!but that is getting better.......there is a lot of emotional homework one must do to get sober.....and so much of it takes place between the ears when the alcohol/drugs r removed.I know this personally.......i went to AA/NA and found support......only one member of my family supported me at the time...family support was not really there for me....after many years they have regained their trust in me......but all u can do is stand by....u know this and in the meantime take very good care of urself and those 2 children!

[tls83]

thank you for your advise, he has quit drinking but hasn't seen a councler yet. and he is doing it on his own and he hasn't had a drink in a 2 and a half months and i just was looking for ways to help support him on it. and i know that people make mistakes and all but i am just trying to be there and help him threw this.

[working dog]

why don't you get him on the forum??? he can ask questions..get his own answers..and make some internet friends that don't drink...and i'm not sure about the "he would quit" does that mean he hasn't quit..how much and how long has he been drinking ? and if his parents drink that makes things harder..i would make a point that you know how people hide alcohol and that you don't want him hiding it from you...he's really got to want to quit....good luck...billy

[Jacker]

Think about what time of day he normally drinks - for instance, if it is after work (late afternoon and evening), make sure he has something to stay busy with at that time.  I'm recently sober, and that is the hardest time of day for me.  It can be anything from a planned activity with your kids,to encouraging him with a hobby.  In my experiance, I can't be hanging around the house with nothing to do at that time of day.  

[susieq87]

Continue to love and support him and try not to get to crazy if he fails as humans fail and alcohol is an obsession.  Unfortunately, there is not much more you can do as a person has to be willing to help themself.  If it were me I would find an Alanon meeting n your area for yourself.

[ibizan]

Hello there my dear again!U r doing all u can to help him and those around u....all u can do is voice concern and hope for him...he has 2 do the rest....and u need to take better care of urself!Many good posters here and i know they will post good words to u regarding ur hub!All of us here in sobriety have to do a lot of hard work alone...no one can do it 4 us....but us!but support is always needed and appreciated!:)))