Can't stop this constant state of fear...

[loca636]

I have been going through stess and anxiety since May and its already mid way July. i deal with tough collage courses, a strict mother, and i have a loving boyfriend who craves intimacy but i can't give sex because i chose to be abstinant and i have this terrible fear of being pregnant young and not able to do all the things i i have always hoped to accomplish. I have been going through this anxiety of fearing that im pregnant because i let my boyfriend touch and rub me down there while  he had his penis in a condom because i gave him oral. He ejaculated into the condom and i have been in panic after that day. We did not have intercourse and he assured me that the condom did not break while he was next me and he did not have sperm on his fingers after he took off the condom and continued to touch me. I have been scared since the week after that day because
I had an early period or not really much of a period but light brown discharge. I have been having irregularites since. I was tested for std's, all negative. I took ten take home pregnantcy test throughout may, june and this current month of july, all negative. But my bowls and my periods have become irregular. I never had a light period until now. I don't know what to think or believe anymore. I feel im going insane with my fear and i don't know what to do...please help me with some advice. Anyone...i can't focus on school. I can't enjoy going out with friend. I cry often. I just don't feel alive anymore.

[loca636]

she wants me to succeed and my dad has high hopes for me to become this independant woman and all and thats what i want, to make them proud, its just their not really as understanding and at times feel pressure to be what they want even though they don't seem to like that i have a boyfriend.  i completely ruined my relationship with my mom when i told her that i wasn't a virgin anymore when i lost it 2 years ago, so she doesn't really think or say much nice things about me anymore...

When it comes to school its tough because i can't focus on the work as well because of this worry i have. im always scared of failing and im worried that maybe im not cut out to be a registered nurse like i had always hoped to be. its a career i have always wanted and have been working on trying to get the pre-requisites done for the past 4 years at the community college, but i have been having trouble here and there and this obsessive paranoia hasn't been making it any better. its been making my performance worse.

everything seems to say im negative when it comes to pregnancy but in the back of my mind i always have this fear of it happening. And watching the show "i didn't know i was pregnant" doesn't make me feel any better at all lol pretty pathetic of me huh.

[kickanxietysbutt]

From what you described, I can tell you that you are not pregnant.  Unless the condom spilled all over your boyfriends hands, and even then if he inserted his fingers inside of you, the likelihood of you getting pregnant is slim to none.  Taking off a condom and then touching you, though, will not get you pregnant.  Additionally, you can only get pregnant certain days of the month.  I'm guessing that your period has changed because you are so stressed.  This has happened to me several times in the past.  My period will only last a day or two, and it's much lighter.  You said that you took ten home pregnancy tests, and those tests are extremely accurate, so that should alleviate your worries of pregnancy.  My best advice for you is that if engaging in sexual behavior makes you this anxious, you should abstain.  If your boyfriend is truly loving, as you said he is, he will respect that.  If not, you may want to reconsider being in a relationship with him.

As for college courses, are you able to lighten your load, or get help from a tutor?  There is no changing your mother, so I don't really have any advice on that, but I'd like to believe she is strict because she cares about you.