Aa
HELP hiv anxiety relapse.
i cant believe im posting again.... i was doing just fine until i decided to search on medhelp about hiv test accuracy over time. only to find this post
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/HIV-Prevention/Delayed-seroconversion/show/1468807#post_6689982
now I'm really REALLY scared! what if people do get hiv from oral sex and people just don't believe them? like trying to convince an atheist god exists. what if i do test positive??? will you tell me my story doesn't add up? will they always assume i was promiscuous or drunk or dumb enough to have unprotected anal??? is my entire experience based on belief rather than reality? i'm just extremely confused! why is everything to do with hiv so damn VAGUE!1?!? what if there are "5 documented cases" but 10 000 non documented ones because the dr decided not believe them!? i'm seriously SERIOUSLY considering chopping my balls. i hate being a sexual being.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/HIV-Prevention/Delayed-seroconversion/show/1468807#post_6689982
now I'm really REALLY scared! what if people do get hiv from oral sex and people just don't believe them? like trying to convince an atheist god exists. what if i do test positive??? will you tell me my story doesn't add up? will they always assume i was promiscuous or drunk or dumb enough to have unprotected anal??? is my entire experience based on belief rather than reality? i'm just extremely confused! why is everything to do with hiv so damn VAGUE!1?!? what if there are "5 documented cases" but 10 000 non documented ones because the dr decided not believe them!? i'm seriously SERIOUSLY considering chopping my balls. i hate being a sexual being.
I have been suffering from health anxiety all my life. But I could keep it under wraps .even after a long traumatic relationship ended I was able to keep it together and move on and still keep it kinda of normal. But then I got engaged and when that relationship ended I lost it. I was convinced and still am kinda that I have HIV . To me it's scarier than cancer. It's the ultimate fear. My parents dragged me to a doctor forcedme into a full medical work up , blood work , ultra sound on my uterus, even an X-rays for my sinuis because I had a stuffy nose. Except for pcos which is not life threatening . I was fine.. But in that blood work up they didn't include a HIV test. But I was such a massive head case at the time it wasn't until after we got back all the results I called and asked the nurse why wasn't it included. She said that after all the blood work came back the doctor didn't feel it was nessary but that I could come in and have it done if I wanted . But now I'm terrified and every time I come close to going I have a crazy panic attack and practically faint. It's crazy . I swear I'm pretty normal otherwise but , I obsess over every tiny thing ion my body. I have noticed that when I'm very stressed and under pressure my anxiety starts to rise and then the doubts start. When I'm calm common sense kicks in but as soon as the anxiety starts all logic goes out the window. It's affecting my personal relationships. I haven't dated in 2 yrs because I'm scared that I will meet someone and they will have HIV and give it to me. I want to go to therapy I know I should. But I have no time. I have never engaged insight risk behavior. My ex got tested and offered to go with me because I was going crazy. But the paralzing fear I get when I try to go is unreal it's past nervous or anxious. I almost faint I can't breath it's crazy. And no one understands. The day the medical results came back. My brother had to physically restrain me and practically carry me in side the office. I was ready to jump out a moving car. The doctor had to call in both my parents in to read the results of my physical. And the almost had to sedate me. I swear both my parents heard I didn't hear. But they said I don't remember hearing the results because I was hysterical. I swear I have a complete different recolation of that day. You would. NEver think by looking at me I'm crazy or even dealing with me on daily basis. But when i snap I snap. I need help I know.
Had a neg 4 week and 7 week now waiting at 9 for my 3 mo then hopefully this is all over. Socializing has been tough as well.
Good luck I'm convinced I'm the first case as well. Let's trust the experts that we will both be fine hopefully.
Hey. just wanted to say i'm doing better. i haven't been here in like 3 days (which is a record for me) this time I'm not coming for reassurance. I talked to my therapist, one of the reasons i havent been back is we discussed i knew all the answers already. Now, what's weird is i was starting to feel super with myslef and was starting to think i didnt need testing, just like you said, i was thinking about the odds and all, and i was calm... HOWEVER, theres this only reason i still want to test just to make sure, and it was this article i read some days ago. the article which made me really anxious after having sex with my gf. ive decided im testing at week 7 instead of 8, heard the test by time time is equally reliable by that time. im hopeful to test negative, but i also cant shake off this feeling of a chance because of this blog:
http://nogoingback-thereisonlyforward.blogspot.mx/2011/12/he-gave-me-more-than-bracelet-he-gave.html
i wish i hadn't read it, but now oh well.... you don't have to answer my post, but i think at least it would be nice for you to check the link out. i think its dangerous material for anxious people like myself.
hugs, and ill post again when i get my results back.
(am a little scared to test though, wish i werent, need a hug!)
http://nogoingback-thereisonlyforward.blogspot.mx/2011/12/he-gave-me-more-than-bracelet-he-gave.html
i wish i hadn't read it, but now oh well.... you don't have to answer my post, but i think at least it would be nice for you to check the link out. i think its dangerous material for anxious people like myself.
hugs, and ill post again when i get my results back.
(am a little scared to test though, wish i werent, need a hug!)
dear Nursegirl,
i am confused about my whole emotional state about my situation. I went for dinner with friends. had a couple of glasses of wine over it. im not drunk as you can clearly see. at first i couldnt stop thinking about hiv. as the night went on i forgot about it. had this feeling i wa at no risk and could leave it behind. BUT it seems like whenever i feel that way this thought, word by word comes to my head:
"what you did was nasty and you should test in two weeks. you could've infected your girlfriend. and if you havent you will if you're not sure about your test results."
and this thought, this precise thought, is what brings me back to MH for comfort before getting tested.
im afraid nursegirl, im really afraid. and i wish i werent.
is it evil to trust i dont have hiv and go on with my relationship, have sex, get married, have kids and leave the past behind? or am i being selfish and a coward for not facing the consecquences of my own actions?
it felt so good that at least for 5 hours i had my life back, specially after 6 weeks of hell. but i cant shake this feeling that im being insidious and a hypocrite and a traitor and a coward and a murderer as long as the 0.00001% chance of being infected remains.
i am confused about my whole emotional state about my situation. I went for dinner with friends. had a couple of glasses of wine over it. im not drunk as you can clearly see. at first i couldnt stop thinking about hiv. as the night went on i forgot about it. had this feeling i wa at no risk and could leave it behind. BUT it seems like whenever i feel that way this thought, word by word comes to my head:
"what you did was nasty and you should test in two weeks. you could've infected your girlfriend. and if you havent you will if you're not sure about your test results."
and this thought, this precise thought, is what brings me back to MH for comfort before getting tested.
im afraid nursegirl, im really afraid. and i wish i werent.
is it evil to trust i dont have hiv and go on with my relationship, have sex, get married, have kids and leave the past behind? or am i being selfish and a coward for not facing the consecquences of my own actions?
it felt so good that at least for 5 hours i had my life back, specially after 6 weeks of hell. but i cant shake this feeling that im being insidious and a hypocrite and a traitor and a coward and a murderer as long as the 0.00001% chance of being infected remains.
" it just scares me that some people state suff like getting infected with a small amount of precum or whatever. makes me feel like there's no certainty to it."
There IS no certainty to it because it's the internet. People can pretty much say anything at all, and who's going to verify the information?
At least on a site like this, you have experts with DECADES of experience giving you factual information, using their real names, sharing their real credentials. You think the docs would steer you wrong?
NONE of the HIV docs on this site have EVER HAD a patient, HEARD OF, READ ABOUT, or had a colleague with a patient with a convincing case of HIV transmitted by oral sex. IF it happens (and my personal opinion is that it absolutely does NOT), it's about as rare as you could imagine. SO rare that testing isn't necessary and it's NOT a realistic concern. Again, like I said before, there's also a chance that a meteorite may crash into Earth and land on your head, are you worrying about it? Of course not, because if you worried about every possible scary thing that could happen to you, you'd be in a straight jacket. If you're not worried about a meteorite, then you shouldn't be worried about HIV.
There have been studies done, and over the course of MANY years and with thousands of serodiscordant couples (one +, one -), having regular unprotected oral sex, not ONE person became infected.
And actually, for your info, even MOST people with REAL high risk exposures don't end up positive. You know who does? People who engage in risky behaviors over and over, with no regard to their safety. IV drug abusers who share needles with multiple people multiple times. Men who have sex with other men, without a condom. Men with multiple partners, never using protection. Most heterosexual exposures (REAL ones) don't even usually result in infection. It's truly THAT hard to get HIV. You're stuck with regrets and guilt, and like most people have an EXTREMELY overinflated view about what constitutes a real risk for HIV.
THOSE are facts. Not the "what if I'm the ONLY person ever to visit MH who will end up getting infected after oral sex?" I'd say probably at least 2 out of 3 people posting on the HIV forum come with the same concern. Many if not most have the same thought process as you. Guess what....NO ONE has ever tested +.
So, with all that being said, the "WHEN" you test is simply a formality, this is something you are doing to move along, not something you NEED to do because you had a risk. I'd say that 8 weeks is perfectly fine. When you GET your negative result, you need to step up your efforts with your therapist.
There IS no certainty to it because it's the internet. People can pretty much say anything at all, and who's going to verify the information?
At least on a site like this, you have experts with DECADES of experience giving you factual information, using their real names, sharing their real credentials. You think the docs would steer you wrong?
NONE of the HIV docs on this site have EVER HAD a patient, HEARD OF, READ ABOUT, or had a colleague with a patient with a convincing case of HIV transmitted by oral sex. IF it happens (and my personal opinion is that it absolutely does NOT), it's about as rare as you could imagine. SO rare that testing isn't necessary and it's NOT a realistic concern. Again, like I said before, there's also a chance that a meteorite may crash into Earth and land on your head, are you worrying about it? Of course not, because if you worried about every possible scary thing that could happen to you, you'd be in a straight jacket. If you're not worried about a meteorite, then you shouldn't be worried about HIV.
There have been studies done, and over the course of MANY years and with thousands of serodiscordant couples (one +, one -), having regular unprotected oral sex, not ONE person became infected.
And actually, for your info, even MOST people with REAL high risk exposures don't end up positive. You know who does? People who engage in risky behaviors over and over, with no regard to their safety. IV drug abusers who share needles with multiple people multiple times. Men who have sex with other men, without a condom. Men with multiple partners, never using protection. Most heterosexual exposures (REAL ones) don't even usually result in infection. It's truly THAT hard to get HIV. You're stuck with regrets and guilt, and like most people have an EXTREMELY overinflated view about what constitutes a real risk for HIV.
THOSE are facts. Not the "what if I'm the ONLY person ever to visit MH who will end up getting infected after oral sex?" I'd say probably at least 2 out of 3 people posting on the HIV forum come with the same concern. Many if not most have the same thought process as you. Guess what....NO ONE has ever tested +.
So, with all that being said, the "WHEN" you test is simply a formality, this is something you are doing to move along, not something you NEED to do because you had a risk. I'd say that 8 weeks is perfectly fine. When you GET your negative result, you need to step up your efforts with your therapist.
thank you NG, i kinda feel like a recovering meth addict when it comes to this subject. i decided to go out with friends and it calmed me a lot.
im starting to feel like a neg. is a possibility. i think that more than anything is this waiting i have to endure in order to test. do you reckon it will make much of a difference if i test at 7 weeks instead of 8?? it just scares me that some people state suff like getting infected with a small amount of precum or whatever. makes me feel like there's no certainty to it.
im starting to feel like a neg. is a possibility. i think that more than anything is this waiting i have to endure in order to test. do you reckon it will make much of a difference if i test at 7 weeks instead of 8?? it just scares me that some people state suff like getting infected with a small amount of precum or whatever. makes me feel like there's no certainty to it.
Listen, you JUST had your first therapy session yesterday. This is going to take time. You're not going to have this all figured out overnight.
Where you went wrong IMO is you starting another thread in the HIV forum asking about testing. REALISTICALLY, you didn't need to do that. You've read enough on the forum (and others) to know VERY clearly about testing timelines. It's just that compulsion to post/read.
You just kind of fed the beast, you know?
Be patient with yourself and make an effort to stop reading about HIV.
Where you went wrong IMO is you starting another thread in the HIV forum asking about testing. REALISTICALLY, you didn't need to do that. You've read enough on the forum (and others) to know VERY clearly about testing timelines. It's just that compulsion to post/read.
You just kind of fed the beast, you know?
Be patient with yourself and make an effort to stop reading about HIV.
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