Help!!!

[Deenie08]

I just got out of a 6 almost 7 year long relationship. He was my first love and after about 1 year into our relationship my feelings had changed for him, I no longer had that puppy dog love for him like I once did. I wonder why for so long and than I had my intrusive thought of "What if I'm gay" well that scared me right off the bat, I never had a gay thought ever even when my female friend was hitting on me I was turn off from it because that is not me I always loved boys since I was in elementary
school. So I realized that isn't true and I quickly got over it. We worked out our relationship and stayed together. Through the relationship he had a gambling addiction and he had been emotionally and financially abusive towards me I still loved him but I often fantasized about other men which
I have always done so in the past. So about 4 months ago decided to end the relationship I just didn't love him anymore and there was just no future for us with his addition. So because my anxiety is up very high due to my life style change my intrusive "You must be gay" thoughts are coming into my head. I'm very upset by them because I didn't break up for him for that reason. I love men and I think women are beautiful but they don't attract me in that aspect. What fuels the thoughts is that once I ended the relationship all my feelings towards men (even my fantasies) just disappeared. It feels like he took my sexuality away from me. I don't feel like myself and my intrusive thoughts want me to act on them. It has really shaken my confidence in myself. I wish I could feel for a man but I can't and that's when my intrusive thoughts come out even more. This is my first break up too so all these emotions are new to me. My head keeps obsessing about being gay and turning butch which is just not me. I love feeling womanly, it makes me feel like a freak in my own body and mind. I'm SO scared I'm losing control of my inner self.

It's funny I so badly wanted male attention when I was with him, I would be flirty with other men just so I could feel good about myself and have some positive attention from a man since I wasn't getting much from my ex. Now that I'm single I don't want a relationship, I don't care for men, my fantasies are all gone about men. I just feel so down about it. I want to feel for men again and I just can't and it shocks me.

Anyways I feel so down about the loss of this relationship plus all the intrusive thoughts they make me feel like I'm going mad. I just want my old me back.

Just a little background history on myself: My fears on things started when I was younger. When I was younger I had a fear for months that my nanny and poppy where going to die and I began having a great fear I too would die at any moment. I had a death obsession when I was 7. I read a book about celebrities that died at a young age and that was what triggered it. I also use to fear looking at a crucifix because the image scared me so I would avoid looking at them. I also had a weird fear of eating at my aunts house and churches. One time when I was younger I wanted a boy to like me so I was flirty with him and he started getting flirty with me I really liked it but than he assaulted me and for months I cried and thought "what if it happens again" "what if he does that to me again".

Can someone please help me to understand what is going on in my mind.

Thanks!

[mele48]

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now!

Please don't be so hard on yourself.  You need to keep in mind - you gave several years of your life, your mind, and your heart to this person.  It's going to take time for your whole person to heal from that.  I think it's perfectly understandable that you don't see yourself being with someone else right now, and even that your fantasies aren't active.  You're going through a big change, and your whole self is figuring out what to do.

Nurture yourself right now.  Stay connected/nurture connections with your family and friends.  Do things that make you happy - take a class, go see movies or concerts, rent a bunch of Disney movies, or whatever.  This could also be a time for you to do that "something" you always wanted - a new hobby, volunteering, writing - whatever your heart calls you to do.  Maybe it's getting a pet - some sweet little critter to love you and have some companionship at home.

Journaling has been a huge help for me.  Maybe getting your hurts, hopes, dreams, etc. down on paper would be helpful for you.  Sometimes we all need to take a break and figure out who and what we want to be.  Take that time for yourself now!

[Jerry_NJ]

Focus on yourself and decide what you want to be in 10 years, a better job, better health... let friends come from people who share goals and recreation that appeal to you.... don't try to program for someone else, develop focus on being more yourself.

True friends and hopefully true love will come from going your way.  Of course if you become close to someone, hopefully someone who you already know has a lot in common with you, you'll have to be more flexible if you what a long term (life-long, how about that idea, used to be called marriage) relationship some differences will surface.

Good luck, find a better future to your liking.