Hocd or denial

[Glasfryn01]

Okay here it goes for the last 3 months i have had really worrying and intrusive thoughts in my head, stuff like "Am i gay"- "Do i find him/her attractive" and its getting really hard, I have always been attracted to girls i always used to have fantasies about them and could always be aroused by girls, Deep down i know im straight but it just getting really hard to cope with. I have never been attracted to a guy, i can say a guys good looking but thats it, I could never be in a relationship with a guy just the thought of kissing a guy disgusts. I dont actually know why im thinking this because i have no reason to think that im gay other than when im getting changed in the gym i sometimes look at guys down there because i was worried that they might be bigger than me but im not attracted to there body but i am to a girls body. It doesnt help that over these last 3 years i have had severe anxiety going to the counsellor twice a week and going to the doctor around 3 times a month because i had Health and death Anxiety. These thoughts only came on when i lost my best friend i cried for over a month and she broke my heart just like the other girls i used to be friends with, and then i had to have an emergency operation for my appendix as it burst for 2 days before i even knew, So my anxiety hit its highest then even with losing my friend and i was in hospital for a week. So i dont know why i actually worry about this cause ive never found a guy attractive in anyway but i do for girls but i have lost a bit of sexual attraction towards girls but still have none towards guys. So my question is do i have HOCD or is it just denial.
Many thanks

[Paxiled]

I keep saying this, as if you look through the recent archives a lot of young people are writing in about this situation.  Most of us have these types of thoughts at some point or another, usually when we're young and often after a breakup or the first acting out physically of our sexuality.  But I think what's got so many upset is this term HOCD.  There is no such thing as HOCD, again, it's just a label used to get reimbursement from insurance companies or to choose a medication.  It doesn't actually mean anything different than if the thoughts bothering you were about something else, actually, anything else.  The problem isn't thinking about sexuality, the problem is it's bothering you.  If you feel it's interfering with your life substantially, then you should probably see a counselor of some sort who can reassure you this is normal but also discuss with you why it's bothering you to think about this or any other thing.  That's the problem, that you're thinking in a way that bothers you for some reason, not the content of whatever it is you're thinking about as you will always be thinking about something potentially troubling as life is full of such things.  Don't get hung up on that label, HOCD.  Just focus on why you're feeling upset.  Peace.

[Geenne]

Hey Bud,
   Being gay is genetic ... not a choice.  If you were gay you would have realized it when you were much younger.   If you are questioning your own sexuality, when you are already fairly certain of it,  it  is possible you may be suffering from hocd.  It's the intrusive thoughts causing you anguish. The more you react or entertain the thoughts, the more the intrusive thoughts will occur and become more intense. Intrusive thoughts are doubts in an endless loop of thoughts. You literally are engraving your fear deeper and deeper into your mind and associating more and more things to it. The result... a multitude of triggers and constant anxiety.
For what it's worth - I can assure you,  you are not gay.

[Glasfryn01]

Just the health anxiety im scared that if i mention gay i might turn gay i know its stupid but i am terrified

[Glasfryn01]

Thank you for your reply means a lot, I know that its is not wrong to be gay or bi its just personally i could be either i get disgusted if i imagine myself kissing a gay even more if it was anything more. But when i know ive lived my whole life straight its just gets a pain, The worst thing i worry about to do with this is i dont get turned on as much for girls anymore thats what brought these thoughts into my head and the more i think about the thoughts the increase to male attraction get higher which i would never of done a year ago,  But i think thats to do with examining between them both say in a picture and i still always find a girl more attractive ,Personally what would you say i am ?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm really sorry about your friend first of all.  That's so hard to lose someone we care about and death can definitely rock our world and how we see it.  I'm really glad to hear that you are seeing a counselor and doctor.  Are you taking any medicine?  

It's really easy for me to say not to worry about this (whether you are attracted to the same sex or not)--  because even if you did, it would be okay.  It's not a bad thing to be homosexual or bisexual.  But I know that this won't help you.  I have a book that I work on with my son who has some anxiety and it talks about looking at 'what if' the thing we worry about came true.  Once you realize that if the 'what if' came true, life would still be okay, it takes the power away from what we fear.  Think about that.  

But at 15, you are working hard to figure life and yourself out.  I like to think of that voice in my head that just wouldn't shut up as noise.  And if I think of it running on a tape recorder, I try to find the off button.  Visualize that.  Click, turn the noise off.  One thing that helps with that is to have go to distractions for when the noise starts up-===  reading a book, going to a punching bag or kick boxing bag (does a world of good, can be hung or set up in a basement or garage), calling a trusted friend, etc.  When you think "off tape recorder" and go do these other things, sometimes it can help stop the 'noise'.  

Wishing you the best of luck.  

[anxiety860]

You're 15. Going through puberty. Everything you listed is normal. Your hormones are peaking. Every dude has taken a look in the locker room. feom your post you're 100% straight. (If you're gay who cares)??
It's great you're going to therapy. Do you address this there? Or simply the health anxiety?

[Glasfryn01]

By the way im 15 and in the middle of puberty