Letting go / recurring anxiety

[JodyDFB]

I found my way here via another Q & A about how to let go.

I don't have an anxiety disorder, but I will admit that I can somewhat obsess about something that bothers me, for a few hours to a day after it occurs.  Knowing this, I came up with "the 3-day rule."  In essence, whenever a shocking, surprising, or unexpected event is about to cause a major life change, I have a rule that I don't "do" anything, for three days (if possible, of course).  That allows me time to work through the shock, accept the reality, and toy with a few possible solutions, before I take any lasting action.  Having taught this strategy to several friends and colleagues, over the years, they have indicated it is a good strategy for dealing with stressful events.

As for letting go in general, I'm usually good, within twenty-four hours.  I almost never worry.  I prefer to define a problem, devise a strategy for dealing with it, and then put that plan into action.  Worry, I feel, is wasted energy.

So, with that in mind, I'm frustrated with my inability to let go of an incident that happened a year ago.  

Yes.  ...A year ago.

A friend invited my husband and me to a weekend getaway in another country.  We didn't know the other couples who'd also be attending, but I've never had difficulty getting along with new people.  We were all to attend a dinner the first evening.  Within about the first hour of conversation, I caught a woman across the table to my right openly making fun of what I was saying, in a conversation with a woman across from me.  (She and I had been easily engaged in conversation from the moment we sat down.)  I heard the other woman's snide remark as I was still making my point to the person directly across from me, and it threw me off a bit.

This woman, you see, had not said a word all evening, 'til that point.  And, to be honest, other than my husband trying to engage her and her husband in conversation, she didn't say much (anything?...at least of her own volition) from then on.

So, that was that.  I, and the others, carried on dynamic conversations for the rest of the evening, and didn't hear anymore from that woman.  ...But I didn't imagine the catty comment she said to her husband about me.  ...And it kind of put a damper on the evening for me.  It was always there.  ...That woman, off to the right.  She obviously didn't like me and, in fact, had tried to humiliate me.

What's worse, it's a year later, and I'm still thinking about it.  Sure, I could be upset that I didn't act.  I just let her make her mean-spirited remark, and didn't call her out.  Sure, it could be that I'm so self-absorbed, I can't imagine anyone not liking me.  But it's just not like me to obsess about those kinds of things.  

I can say I have no memory of anyone being openly hurtful towards me, at least since public school.  I had good friends all through school, and have had zero problems in my working relationships.  Someone saying something mean about me, for no reason I can discern, is completely new to me.  And, I think that is the issue that's bugging me.  From my perspective, it came out of nowhere.

It's not as though I've never had any disagreements.  But they haven't degenerated into name-calling or other childish behaviours.  I can disagree about something, without resorting to ad hominem arguments.

I try to be a nice person.  I believe I am compassionate.  Honesty and ethics are a big deal to me.  I don't judge people by superficial qualifiers or, if I am doing it, it's innocuous.  What I mean is, I have never, for example, stood and pointed or laughed at someone walking-by, because he/she looked "different."  In a conversation with an elderly man who cuts the lawns for a few of my neighbours, he mentioned not judging people.  I agreed, saying I've met many people who are brilliant and accomplished but, if judged by appearances, might be thought otherwise.  (This premise was pleasantly reinforced when this elderly, shabbily-dressed handyman revealed he used to be a chemical engineer.)  (For the record, I was undoubtedly equally shabbily-dressed, since I was invariably out working in my garden - the typical scenario for this man to start-up a conversation.)

I don't care too much how people look, how much money they have, where they live, etc.  I care about what get say and do.  I'm somewhat philosophical, and have had the privilege of many fascinating and thought-provoking conversations.  I can't say I recall an incidence where I was intentionally rude or mean to someone, for no reason whatsoever.  It's just not in my nature to conclude how I'm better than others, much less verbalize the inadequacies I perceive in them.

I simply don't understand why this woman was so evil to me.  I've wracked my brain trying to determine if I somehow slighted her.  What about the conversation I was having with the person across the table from me?  Did I say something which could be taken the wrong way, by someone listening-in?  I just don't understand why she did it!  I wonder if the sense her remarks were unwarranted, is why I can't let it go?

I don't know her, and haven't come across her since.  (I wouldn't have a problem if I did...although I doubt I'd strike-up a conversation with her.)  I would be surprised if I ever see her socially, again, since our mutual friend has moved away.  So, I'm not planning some sort of retaliation for our next meeting.

I asked my husband what her problem was (her rudeness towards me, yet her almost complete silence the rest of the evening).  He didn't hear her insult, but said he just got the impression she was quiet because the conversation was over her head.  (He didn't mean that in a way which would be insulting to her, but rather he genuinely felt she didn't understand the ideological aspects of the conversation in which I, and a few others, were engrossed.)

Any insight into why I can't seem to let THIS incident go, would be awesome.  It's a year later, and my mind still swims with theories about why she was mean to me; what kind of person she is if she's mean to someone who's never had even a negative thought about her; what kind of person is so cowardly, she won't speak her mind up-front; and fantasies about what I wish I had done right then, when I overheard the remark she made, about me, to her husband.

No matter what, I can't change what happened, nor will I ever know why.  How do I let this go???  I'd like it if when I do remember this incident, I'm not readily transported back to a place of bewilderment, hurt feelings, and anger.

[xKelx]

Phew! Been away from this message board for a while! I'm sorry you didn't find comfort or satisfaction in my first response--I'm not sure what you were hoping to hear, or what kind of reassurance you wanted, other than: "It's no biggie. It doesn't matter. Let it go." We are all teased and mocked through life for varying reasons; just as our parents told us to pay no mind to the bully on the playground, so we should tell ourselves the same in adulthood. In the grand scheme, what does it matter? You can waste your time thinking about "what ifs," or you can live in the present.

Glad you found the solace you were craving. I hope you've put this issue to bed once and for all!

[mammo]

I do wish you luck with this and hope you can resolve it within yourself.  I have a friend who must attend a lot of get togethers with her husband's co-workers.  She never wants to be there and will find fault with anyone and everyone. She is angry for having to be there and directs her anger at others, which is not right.  This may have been the case with this woman.  You have to pick your battles and determine if they are even worth your energy and time, and this wasn't.  You kept the evening from becoming a train wreck....good for you!  Best wishes and take care.

[JodyDFB]

Thank you for your reply.

The more I write about this (this is my first experience at MedHelp and my first time admitting I'm still thinking about this incident), the more I think you're right, in that I just have to accept that maybe...just maybe...what's bothering me most is my inaction.  Intellectually, I don't believe that's why I can't let it go, but emotionally, it's starting to ring bells that this might be the heart of the issue.

I appreciate the responses, in that they've helped me better clarify what did and did not happen, thus what is likely behind my seeming inability to let it go.  

Even if it were entirely my fault...I'm the pretentious one, I'm the loudmouth, I'm the opinionated one...I would still need a strategy for putting this behind me.

I'll try to resolve to forgive her (maybe having an off day) and myself (for letting her get away with it), and TRY to put it behind me, using that framework.  

Wish me luck!  I'm not a "dweller," so this s highly out of character for me.

Thank you.

[JodyDFB]

xKelx, your comments honestly don't ring true to me, and haven't really helped me get any closer to putting this incident behind me.  Here's why...

Without rehashing everything I already detailed, I can clarify it was the next day that I asked my husband what he thought was going on.  So I certainly wasn't presuming anything about this woman or her intellect, prior to her actions.  (I thought she was a perfectly nice person, prior to that.  I would've loved for her to have shared some of her personal experiences, since her line of work is interesting.  I would've listened intently, with anticipation, had she chosen to share with the rest of the group.)

Although I clearly detailed everything above, let me reiterate that HE (my husband) was the one who said he felt the conversation was over her head, not me.  She'd already made her snide remark, by that point.  There's no 'chicken and egg' debate.  Her hostility came completely out of the blue, for me.  I didn't even reciprocate, after the fact.

As such, there was no instance where I was, "...busy thinking she couldn't understand..."  I most certainly assumed she, and anyone else who chose to join in, did!

I immediately pressed my husband on his conclusion, in trying to gauge whether I thought he was just being supportive in suggesting what I and the other dinner guest were talking about being simply too complex.  I am satisfied his perception was genuine to him, and wasn't a failed attempt to placate me.  He felt she (my conversation partner) and I were discussing some relatively high-concept topics (which might be over the heads of many people), even though I don't necessarily agree.  Regardless, everyone at that table, except this woman, discussed MANY subjects that evening - most of them relatively mundane, and all in good spirits (i.e. nothing particularly contentious).

Until my detractor did what she did, I thought she seemed nice enough, albeit a bit quiet.  (I'm an innately quiet person, too.  But I've learned to overcome that, for more social enjoyment.  So, I felt a possible kinship with her, in that regard.)  I had ZERO prior negative perceptions of her, in any respect.  I was happily engrossed in any conversations I found interesting, involving anyone at the gathering who wanted to talk.  For most of the evening, that was with the engaging woman directly across from me, plus my husband.  It was hard to hear the folks at the other end of the table, but we did try to participate in their discussions, as well.  My husband and I talked a bit with this woman's husband.  He'd always been nice to me, prior to that.

I was open to talking with this woman and her husband, until she did what she did.  But her actions also made me self-conscious of what I was saying from then on (so as not to elicit further derision from her) which, I think understandably, put a damper on the remainder of the evening for me.  Such a shame, in retrospect.

Without (painfully) restating the exact words, I can assure you she quoted me directly.  There was no chance of misunderstanding.  I can't convince you of that, if you insist on assuming i'm merely mistaken or assuming too much.  She repeated the words I'd just said, while chuckling in a condescending way, to her husband, but loud enough for me to hear her do it.  I doubt anyone who heard it could deny she was making fun of me.

Imagine you having said the above (your reply) to me, in a real life conversation, and when you get to the part about, "perhaps she was busy thinking on how pretentious you sounded," I turn to my husband, and through mocking chuckles, repeat that line verbatim...which you hear and recognize as me mocking you.

I don't know if you've ever been made fun of, in this kind of setting, but it is unpleasant.  When you don't understand why, it's even more painful.  When it comes from someone who's not even involved in a conversation with you, it's even more puzzling.

I don't know if this is common behaviour among adults in some circles.  It's certainly not, amongst my close friends.  I can't recall a similar experience.  When I, for example, disagree with a viewpoint, I express my disagreement in a mature and civilized way...often with humor, so as to ensure it's not perceived as hostile.  In fact, I love interacting with people who have markedly different views than mine.  It would be boring to only ever interact with like-minded people.  I have no recollection of mocking someone, myself.  I firmly believe in The Golden Rule.

Should I have challenged her at that moment?  Absolutely, and will be much more likely to do so, should a similar incident arise in the future.  So, that's one positive lesson to take away from this.

Still, I'm disappointed I've resorted to more details and explanations.  Since I feel no ownership in causing this woman to do what she did, and because I will never know why she did it, my plea is more about letting go of a situation like this (one where you can't know why).  Surely there are strategies to help with letting go of the unknowable, rather than attempting to assign degrees of blame.

[xKelx]

It's interesting that you define her behavior as "evil" and "catty," and then go on to admit that you had no means at the time, nor now, a year later, of attaining the context of the comment. You heard a snide snippet of her conversation. You then assumed the comment to be mean-spirited and assumed by extension this woman--this stranger--to be spiteful. That's a lot of assuming.

This issue has everything to do with perception. You heard one detail of this other person's conversation and let your emotions run wild. Who's to say this woman didn't hear one detail of YOUR conversation and did the same? Your husband offered his limited insight that perhaps the woman's intelligence didn't match your own. So while you were busy thinking she couldn't understand your conversation and must have felt threatened, perhaps she was busy thinking on how pretentious you sounded, chatting casually about X philosophy, or Y ideology? The fact is, there could be a totally plausible explanation for her behavior, or it could have simply been, as you said, catty and malicious for no reason. You don't know now and you'll never know in the future. Don't waste your time measuring yourself by the words of a stranger. Let. It. Go.