First, if you are going through kidney failure this is not necessarily terminal, I just went through a friends journey with kidney failure and she was able to find a donor. I would speak very closely with your doctor about this, and request from willing friends/family that they be tested as potential matches. But from what I watched with my friend, this can be a very rough road. Feeling bad is not abnormal.
Also, please PLEASE if you are having suicidal thoughts, seek help! See a doctor, and if you can't see a doctor soon enough, please talk to someone. In the US there are people you can call:
In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
And I am sure there are other hotlines like this in other countries as well.
Hang in there Rahmon, *hugs*
A little more information might be helpful!