God bless you folks for putting up with people like me.

[alvaa]

It calms my nerves to post on here, and right now I really need it. Doctors are running tests on my mother at Vanderbilt University hospital. I took my daughter to dance class and her softball game today. I missed work because I have been depressed. When the softball game ended, I hugged her and she went back to her mom. I thought to myself, this will be the last time that I will see her until Wednesday when we are at UAB hospital for her surgery. I didn't think I was going to make it home. It started as a rush, sort of the fight or flight feeling, then it worsened because I got nervous about driving in this condition. I felt the feeling that people get when their blood sugar is too low. I made it home and took 7.5 mg of clorazepate. At this time I am calming down. I checked my blood sugar and it was 95. Go figure! I just took my blood pressure and it was very high. I think I missed my blood pressure med last night. It was 154 over 101 with a pulse rate of 107. I am trying to calm myself down because I know that this is caused by attack. I checked my blood pressure this morning and last night and it was 126 over 83 and this morning it was 117 over 78. Sorry for the rambling. I just know people get sick of hearing from the same ole person all of the time. I just feel better when I get this off of my chest.

[alvaa]

Thank you!!! Now....see you on the other side.

[nursegirl6572]

You know we'll be right along with you for the ride, even if just in spirit.

Stay positive, as best you can.  Hugs!

[alvaa]

God bless you and thank you for that. I sit here alone in the hotel room getting ready to head to UAB at 5:00 in the morning.

[nursegirl6572]

Awww, geez, well no wonder you're nervous.  ANYone would be anxious about that, especially with both of them going through a medical procedure/surgery.  If it's any consolation, your daughter's procedure is not risky at all, although I realize, as a parent, there is nothing that will put your mind at ease until you see that she's alright.

Your Mom's situation is obviously more precarious, due to the higher risk and her history.  I'm sure they'll both be fine, but I will certainly keep them in my thoughts and prayers, as I'm sure all your other MH friends will.

One thought that may give you some peace is that SO many of us wish and pray that we had a REAL reason to be anxious, rather than some manufactured, unfounded fear.  Anxiety stinks no matter what the cause, but remember that you have every right to be nervous, and that's okay.  You'll be able to breathe a HUGE sigh of relief when you know they are both okay, and then you can pat yourself on the back for some pretty enormous accomplishments (the far drive, the wait during the surgeries, etc).  No doubt you'll have some uncomfortable moments, but you'll get through it like everything else. Remind yourself that you always come out on the other side, no worse for wear (regardless of maybe not feeling that way).

We're always here for you, feel free to vent anytime, and definitely let us know how your Mom and daughter are.

[alvaa]

Both are having surgery. My mother is in Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville, Tennessee. My daughter will be at UAB in Birmingham. My mom is having tests run to see if she is capable of handling heart surgery. The doctors say she couldn't handle open heart surgery and stints are out of the question because her arteries have calcified. There is a procedure that is less than 10 years old that a handfull of doctors can do. They are in Atlanta, Dallas, and Vanderbilt in Nashville. My daughter was born with a cleft lip in 2005. We had it repaired at 6 weeks old (One of the darkest days of my life). Now that she is losing baby teeth, they have to get bone from her hip and graft it onto the bridge of the top teeth.

To top all of this off, my anxiety here lately has been intensified by driving/riding in a car, and I get to go like 80 miles.

[nursegirl6572]

Like I posted yesterday (pretty sure it was to you, if not, it was to someone, lol), you have to start setting some small goals for yourself that include limit setting on taking your pulse, BP, etc.  All that is doing is increasing your anxiety.  Of course when you're anxious, your pulse and BP will be elevated, that is a normal physiological response.  But, taking your vitals and seeing the numbers is fueling the fire, making your panic worse.

You also have to start celebrating your accomplishments, like taking your daughter to dance, and softball.  That's fabulous, especially for someone with such high levels of panic and anxiety.  There is no accimplishment too small or insignificant in this battle.  

I'm a bit confused, who is having surgery?  Your Mom or your daughter?  What is she having?  Of course that is going to be a source of stress.  That's actually a NORMAL anxiety trigger, or "purposeful" anxiety, compared to the panic and anxiety you usually feel that doesn't have an obvious trigger.  The problem is, we get so used to only reacting one way, that even in the face of REAL and GENUINE life stressors, we go into panic mode.  You have to cut yourself some slack here and realize that it's OKAY to have anxiety about things that are scary and anxiety producing.  EVERYONE in your situation would be feeling anxious.  You just have the added challenge of not being able to control that level of anxiety on your own yet.

Like the rest of us, you're way too hard on yourself.  You have to start somewhere.  Today, get out a pen and paper and set 2 goals for yourself.  Start small, keep it reasonable.  If you normally check your BP 5 times a day, set a goal to only check it 3, and REALLY try to stick to it. Another goal could be a short outing close to home.  When we're in the throws of panic, we ONLY go places we absolutely have to.  Make a goal to go to a local market, buy some flowers for your kitchen table, something that would brighten your day, or go buy a book..something that is meaningful to you.  And when you complete that mission, pat yourself on the back and feel good about it.   Also, take some time at the end of the day to write down 5 positive things you accomplished, no matter how big or small....or 5 positive thoughts about your day.

That's the kind of stuff that starts undoing the anxiety cycle. It isn't always easy, but with baby steps, you'll get there.

[mammo]

Nobody minds, that's why we're here!  I hope you're feeling better.

[remar]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Mother.
How nice that you took your daughter to her softball game and dance class. Does she take ballet? Mine did when she was 5 and I loved watching her because she was so sweet and little dancing around.
Try to hang in there, okay. We are all thinking of you.