depressed always

[darkanddepressing]

I used to score high marks.Not that I was smart or anything, I used to do a lot of donkey-like studying. now no matter what i do, My grades have slipped beyond measure.. I cant seem to remember things at all.. I'm also very slow to grasp things..It takes me like an hour to finish a page.. and for the past 6 years or so.. I cant seem to stay awake and study.. I tested for diabetes and it was negative.. But I sleep a lot and all the time.. I cant seem to keep my eyes or brain open.. no eating problems..i eat a lot without putting on weight.. some eight months back, i proposed to a guy and he rejected me.. i loved him deeply.. maybe still do, but don't really know how i feel about it now.. was so depressed..very  Often I feel depressed about my academic inferiority to others.. thats always a problem.. i want to be smart.. but somehow feel  i just don't quite measure to that level.. have realy loving parents... feel bad about disappointing them..feel strongly suicidal at times.. Cutting myself seems really good because I feel anything is better than this brand of pain.. dont know waht to do.. i have exams in two days time.. nothing is getting in.. i feel so worn out all the time.. in the evenings, thoughts of leaving this world seem like such a nice idea but i stop myself because i dont want to make my mother cry.. a lot of my friends.. people whom i really trusted betrayed me.. talked behind me.. i feel like i dont want people and there's nobody to truly apprecaite me despite my faults.. i also feel bad because for all that i have im not able to do anything with my life.. not even able to do undergraduate engineering course properly.. there are lots of people in class who dont understand the material but are able to quickely finish it and get really good marks... why am i slow? why cant i grasp things fast? why dont i remember things? why was i born this way? why am i an embarassment to my parents? why should i even live when there is nothing for me to enjoy? why do the things i like not always like me in return.., my studies, that guy i loved? why ? why? why do i put so much of effort into things like my academics, friendship or that guy i love(d?) and get nothing in return?n othing but pain? my parents are good people.. why should they be saddled with a dumb person with so many mental problems like me? they deserve someone smart, brainy and cheerful.. my mom worries so much about me.. she s a very good person.. why do i have to be this person..? why did ur stupid 'god' even make me in the first place for me to suffer? why was i born? i feel so weighed down by this world.. im wasting my parents money on a fruitless education.. they want me to go to graduate school as wel.. im applying but i feel its a waste of their money.. im not smart enough for graduate school..there'll be so many smart people there and i'll die just trying to even be in the same class as them.

i cant remember the last time i was truly happy. im so sorry for whoever got irritated reading this.. i'm so depressed and i have an exam in two days and i haven't studied anythign..i dont know what to do.

[darkanddepressing]

Dear Mam,

Thank you for your kind words.

I will try seeking a doctor for help.. there is so much of stigma associated with asking help for that sort of thing here.. and I'm really not sure if the doctor can help because I respond only to certain kinds of people.. Some people make me feel better, others dont.

Atleast I will try getting the thyroid test done..

I don't know.. I'm just hoping I get out of this feeling of inadequacy.. I've been living with it for nearly six years.. Some memories where some teachers and academicians and fellow peers ridiculed me for my slowness and dumbness still hurt.. the pain is almost physical.. I sometimes think voluntary and selective amnesia if there was such a thing would be much better..
thanks for ur help.

[tschock]

I feel your pain. I have experienced these same feelings many a time.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I wish I could hug you and make it all go away...but I can't...so I will try my best to help you through this with written words.

Your parents love you regardless! They want what's best for you, not what's best for them. ( I'm a mother of 4, so I know this to be true. We all have high hopes for our children, but if they want to be retail clerks instead of doctors then that's ok...as long as THEY are happy with what they are doing. Only very anal/controlling parents would openly bash their child for not being who the parents want them to be.) You could start by talking to them...tell them what you are going through...find a way to help them to understand.
I would start with your mother, as you have mentioned how wonderful she is.
My eldest son has always suffered from depression...he came to me when he started having vivid dreams and suicidal thoughts. I wish he would have come to me sooner...but that's the past...now he's on the right medications and he's doing quite well. It took him many years to finish high school, and now he's taking an accounting course.
I'm wondering if perhaps your depression was not just brought on by rejection, but perhaps some sort of deficiency...lack of certain vitamins and nutrients. You claim to be eating just fine, but are you eating the right things? You said you have been checked for diabetes, but were you also checked for thyroid problems?
Allergies can cause these symptoms as well.
As for the eating without weight gain...it could be your metabolism...or thyroid problems.

You are not dumb, stupid, etc. You sound very well educated, and you said yourself that you "used to get higher marks"...which means that you are totally capable of doing so again...proving that you are not stupid. We need to get you out of this stupor, and then perhaps your marks will begin to climb once more.
Your self esteem has just been shattered due to rejection...this is typical of heartbreak...sad, but true.

Please see your doctor and have him/her check your thyroid. Thyroid issues can cause many problems including " brain fog ".
Adult ADD/ADHD could be another thing to look at.
Either way, you are depressed...and you need help with that...many things can cause depression, so you will need to be tested and asked questions to determine what is causing it.
Your doctor will be able to help you, or at least put you on the right train towards help.
Your parents and doctor are vital to your recovery. Please seek help...don't be afraid or embarrassed. Everyone goes through some sort of depression at one time or another.
We are here if you need to talk...don't be sorry...that's why we are here.