anxiety symptoms...driving myself crazy...

[fashiongirl]

So..i've been directed over to this forum from the lovelies over at the HIV prevention forum.
I am suffering huge anxiety over this situation.

11 months ago, I thought i could have been exposed to the HIV virus.  I spent 6 months going back and forth in my head over whether i should test just to make sure and finally when I felt I was able to accept the results whatever they were, i tested.  The test came back negative and I was estatic....for a few months. Then i was diagnosised with HPV.  I started researching on the net (obviously) and found that HIV and HPV can be linked so naturally that has gotten me freaked.  I've been a mess inside my head since may.  I keep thinking what if the test was wrong.  I can't seem to accept that it was conclusive.  I 'find' symptoms all the time.  Like spots on my tongue, bumps in my throat, headaches (which are stressed induced) tingling in my arms, sploches on my skin,and i'm even starting to blame my acne outbreak on HIV.  I don't know how to stop this.  I finally spoke with my family doctor a few weeks ago and he prescribed Lorazopan for when i get really anxious.  

I had a vicious panic attack last week, it scared me, and since then i've felt myself slipping into them again.  I'm a shell of my former self.  i tried counsoling with an HIV specialist, i've talked to a variety of doctors and now i'm at the point where i feel that the only way i'll convince myself that i'm okay is if i go for another test.

I've booked myself in for another test on saturday at 11 months.  I figure that if it's negative at 11 months then I am fine.  I mean, realistically i was fine a 6 months but i just can't get over it.  I'm just more afraid now for this test then i was for the original one.  I keep thinking what if? what if it's positive, even a false positive.  I don't know how to deal with it.

I want to go back to normal.  These past 11 months have been the worst of my life and I fear that its really all in my head.

Has anyone else been through this? do my symptoms sound like a classic case of anxiety.
I really need some help.

[JSGeare]

Take a deep breath. Crawl up in your Unca JS's lap here and let me help sooth things a little bit.

Remember how when you were a little girl, you sometimes thought, when put to bed for the night, that there was someone or some THING in the closet or under the bed? And sometimes you would ask your mother or father to check, just to be SURE. Or maybe you checked yourself. Or maybe you needed the door cracked just a bit so the hall light would filter in. You get the idea.

OK, now, you KNEW that there was no bogeyman under the bed and no burglar in the hall. You knew you were safe, or, at least you learned that you were. But, for awhile, it helped to check and make SURE. Are you with me here?

So, here we are in the present day with what might have been a close brush with you-know-what, so you get the test and guess what? You don't have it. But then, you get this other result, so you're nervous again. This would be like a noise from the closet, which turns out to be your little brother's hamster or maybe even your brother himself for that matter. A concern, yes, but not a monster. But even so, NOW you're wondering.

Looking back to childhood, again, the sure and certain way to get you over your fears was to actually LOOK in the closet or under the bed, even though you knew and had been told by people you believed (kinda) that there was NOTHING THERE!

And now back to the present day, you do the same thing. Yeah, sure, get the test. Look in the closet, under the bed -whatever. Satisfy yourself. OK, all better now?

Now, have a seat over there and let's talk about the anxiety. We've got the monster problem solved. But in so doing, you've uncovered some pretty heavyweight anxiety responses, and THOSE now need to be addressed, as well, because there is a probability they may come into play in other situations; either by the way they nudge your choice, or by the way you react to risk and doubt. And in this case, the closet door is in your head, so you talk to a head person about it. He or she may simply say not to worry -which would be fine. But, since you now stand at this fork in the road -and are obvioulsy impressed with the sensations - have a consult with a psyhciatrist about it.

I'm really not trying to tease you with the sit on my lap scenario, here; what I AM trying to do is demonstrate that there is high and wide connectivity between past and present which stays hidden and well behaved most of the time. And so, when it does pop up, its a good idea to pay attention.

I hope you'll keep us uo-to-date. You've come to the right place.

[RubyWitch]

Oh Sweetie...........you are indeed making yourself crazy! But as one who understands anxiety inside and out, it's so easy to understand how it happens.
I am glad you are going for another HIV test to finally, once and for all, put your mind to rest on THAT! You were negative at 6 months and you will be negative now. Not accepting a negative DX is such a common side effect of anxiety. Those of us with anxiety/panic can actually produce rather amazing symptoms.........and they ARE real, they just usually aren't what we fear they are. You've explained to yourself, and I concur with your DX 100%, the flaky skin..........a sunburn. The bloating...........lactose intolerance. The purple splotches on your thighs...........wearing jeans, especially if they were fairly tight, in the hot sun, bingo! The cysts on your outter eyelid.......I get those too. My eye doc said they were just transient little fat deposits. It sounds like yours have gone away. Forget about them!
I must admit that I know very little about HPV, but that could be producing some of your other symptoms.........the bumps in your throat, the headaches (which I would be more inclined to blame on stress!) When you were diagnosed with HPV, were you not given adequate education about this disorder? Sure sounds like you weren't! And getting information off the net is usually not a smooth move! That tends to freak people out way more than help! What you need to do is talk with your doc about the HPV, get ALL the facts and then get on with HIV free life!
You might also look into a bit of therapy to deal with the anxiety all of this has caused you. If you nip it in the bud now, the next time your big toe swells up, you'll be saying "look at the size of that hummer!" instead of "oh my God, I've got TOE AIDS!"
You're gonna be fine! Keep us posted, OK?
And write us anytime you feel a freak out coming on!
Peace
Greenlydia

[fibromama]

As a person who suffers anxiety and panic I know all to well what your going through.  When we start dwelling on things or one perticular thing (especially having anxiety) your mind starts making you believe its all true,,and you will actually exhibit signs and symptoms of what you think to be wrong with you.  Have you heard of a women who wants to be pregnant so bad she actually starts showing all signs of being preg,,growing belly,,missing periods etc..  

I was 11yrs old my mom had a boyfriend who's wife died of AIDS "so said" well this boyfriend of my moms urinated on the bathroom floor one drunken day and I stepped in it.  Up till the time I had got pregnant with my first daughter which was 8yrs later I convinced myself I had AIDS from stepping in his urine "the HIV test proved I didnt" it was just paranoia brought on by my anxiety.  


Anxiety in itself causes funky effects  like GI problems,,skin probs,,headaches,,vaginal infections and the list goes on,,,if youd like to talk send me a msg anytime we can share anxiety stories back and orth I know hearing someone elses stories whom have anxiety can help and get your mind off things fro the time being

I hope all works out with you and if I dont hear anything from you by Sat,,I  Pray that everything comes back fine.  :)  ttyl

[fashiongirl]

Hi Michael

Thank you for your kind words.
I agree with you about the anxiety causing physical symptoms. Yesterday i wrote down all the symptoms I've been having and then researched anxiety/stress symptoms and surprise surprise, all of them seemed to explain themselves

(all but the stomach bloating, GI pain, flaking skin, random purple splotches that appeared on my thighs after being outside in the hot summer heat in jeans, and weird little cyst type thing that appeared on my outer eyelid a few weeks ago.  although i can explain the bloating/GI pain to being lactose intolerant and the flaking skin on my arms to being from a sunburn a few weeks ago, but the cyst and splotches...no idea)

it's so crazy how the mind can really make you think you are sick...but i hate it though.  i hate waking up every day feeling sore, or achy or migrainey...it's becoming all too much.

I'm going for my 2nd test on saturday, my heart tells me it's going to be negative, but my head is just so anxious...i'm driving myself batty.

[Jikan]

Namaste,

Getting another HIV test for you're own peace of mind may be a good idea, but to obsess over the possible results is causing you to suffer from the effects of anxiety.

Anxiety can not only "play with your mind", but it can also cause physical symptoms.

After your first panic attack, people have a tendency to so afraid of having another that they actually can bring one upon themselves without an actual "trigger".

At this point, I feel you need to relax, as best you can, wait for the results of your new test, which I hope is negative again. Based upon statistics it's unlikely that your second test will be positive, so take some comfort in that.

Michael(Jikan)