just the FACTS

[amandaelmo]

I have tried to be helpful to others  by giving my honest opinions based on my own experiences and facts of my life. Due to circumstances I feel these opinions are not well received.  So let me be clear: therapy has not helped me. I've seen therapists primary care, all sorts of things in an attempt to feel better, unsuccessfully. One therapist actually told me "I don't know if you are gonna kill yourself maybe one day you will give into your urges" and blame me for not feeling any better. when I see these people I can tell how disgusted they are by someone like me, I am sure the scars on my arms from all the cutting sickens them.  I imagine they go home and tell their spouses stories about how messed up I am and probably laugh it up while loving and being grateful for their own life. I say this as a fact because once I had to go to the hospital because I stabbed myself. I know someone on the hospital staff who told me the doctors and nurses were all laughing and making jokes about me stabbing myself because of the location near my backside(butt).  What they found so funny for weeks im told, was actually me setting up a knife to kill myself but landing on it incorrectly. I had my boss at work yesterday making fun of some poor kid who works in a different dept who is a cutter, saying he says it was from his cat but its not he is a real sicko. funny right? me standing there and totally agreeing with him to get him to shut up. I never have said therapy or drugs doesn't help other people. Seems to help my mom from de-evolving into a completely psychotic state and be functional.  However, when I went to therapy I just assumed that I would get better, I thought if I talked about some of the bad things that have happened to me, my never ending thoughts of suicide, of my fantasies of how my funeral will be and what would they say play over and over and over in my mind every single day, well I thought someone would be able to help me, and I have seen different people and they all give me a different diagnosis, clinical depression/anxiety, next one bipolar/ocd, next one depression, its hard to take people seriously when everyone gives you a different diagnosis, but in the end I have no diagnosis. based on those facts, I don't believe anyone know why I am the way I am. I used to have the hope I could be helped but I cant by the evidence I have listed. if you can get better, more power to you, I am jealous of what you have the ability to do that I lack. its not from lack of wanting or trying I promise you that, but regardless it is the truth of my life. its not a mice pretty xmas package truth but it is true. maybe someone out here will read this and understand, maybe they wont, but either way it doesn't invalidate the facts of my life and experiences

[ROSYouralright]

I fixed my settings so you can now :)

[nursegirl6572]

I've been having trouble sending PM's, could you send me one, then I'll be able to reply?  I wanted to share some things with you privately.

[amandaelmo]

I tried to message you but it says cannot send private message to this user. how this all started is something I cant post in a forum if I want the thread to stay active.  I simply am stating that medically, there is nothing I haven't tried to help, I had the obviously wrong impression that if I went to therapy I could feel better and life a happy life but I went and that didn't happen.  to top it off none of these professionals I saw seemed to be able to help me and every time I see a different one they come up with some different mental health disease. I believe if someone knew what was wrong with me they would have all come up with the same disease. since they cant, I have concluded no one knows and no one can help me cause I have tried and tried and tried. will I go kill myself  today? doubt it will I think about doing it? oh that's 100 percent every single day, but my own fear of dying prevents me from doing it, a catch 22 if you will. suicide prevention lines, they don't do anything for me. if talking to a therapist for hours and getting nowhere is any indication. so you see its not the hopeless of being just miserable its worse, its feeling this way and knowing that even though you have done what a person should do to get help, that they still cant help you. its like getting a lifelong disease and you read thousands of articles about how curable it is, then you go to the hospital and they say well this should work but its not working on you.

[ROSYouralright]

I'm not sure that I understand. I would really like to tho. Are you saying you are suicidal and have no hope? Or you are depressed and cut without the intent to kill yourself? Have you considered calling the suicide prevention hotline? They have tons of caring people who just may be able to help..