Is it HOCD or denial? PLEASE HELP

[slowlydyinghelp]

First of all let me say I have no attraction towards girls, and I never have. I have extremely low self-esteem and have never kissed a boy. Even when im asked out i am terrified and always say no. I've had OCD concerning death, and the thought of someone always watching me. IT has been lasting a month. Out of no where I was like "What if I'm gay?" There are some lesbian couples at my schoool and it makes me sick to see them, if they're in my class i try to stay far away and not make eye contact. I'm always terrified that If im out with a friend people will think we're on a date, and I feel sick. I've been avoiding my friends and all girls in general. I am afraid that i feel attracted to every girl, including like 3 yr olds and even my mom. I get a weird feeling down there ( told its anxiety) when i think of girls so i try to think of guys. It's only lasted a month but it's been the worst. I've wanted to cut, and committ suicide. But still when i see cute guys i try to impress them and always think "wow i love guys", ive never felt that way with girls. I'm also afraid i'll never find the perfect guy and ahve to be gay, or get married and realize im not happy and must be gay. I can't even except bi, I knew deep down im straight but lately I dont even know anymore. It affects me at all times, but i still have great dreams about guys. I dont think about girls naked, but try to imagine kssing them. it used to digust me and make me feel sick but now i feel less sick and it terrifies me. I always tell me myself " tell your parents your gay, come out to them , etc" but if i did i dont even want to be with girls!!! i feel so sick. and if imagine someone like a therapist telling me im not gay, i become terrified that i will be disappointed or something. i pray every night to be be gay, i would kill myself. guys dont even like me! at least the ones i do dont. And I think I've had HOCD (if this is what it is) in 7th grade also but back then i still hadd no attraction to girls and i think i fell in love with 2 guys in middle school, im serious! i also thought i had a "crush" on a girl last year but i only thought of her as a friend and lookde forward to seeing her and wanted to be friends with her, just doing friend things. help!

[mammo]

You need to get into therapy to sort this all out, you're at an age when things like this can be confusing.  But no matter which you are it's okay, and be proud of who and what you are! Talk to your parents so you can get help and get on with your life.  It will all work out, don't lose faith in that or yourself!  Take care.

[Alisonj29]

I am sorry you are having such anxiety. I really think a good place for you to start would be to see a therapist or counselor. Being able to talk openly and honestly with someone who holds everything in confidentiality can be very valuable and helpful. Just go and express everything you just did on here. They will have tools and other suggestions to help you sort out your feelings. Whether gay or straight you are still a very important person and if this has caused you to want to hurt yourself you need to see someone soon. We live in a world today that people are feeling much more confident in who they are and sometimes they need help to sort through those feelings. So please ask your parents to take you to a therapist or a doctor who can refer you to someone. Dont let this weigh on you any longer. I wish you all the best and keep us updated.