Loneliness with BP

[Tyzer33]

I dont know if any of you experience this same thing but why is it that BP makes you feel so lonely a lot of the time? I find myself starring into space somethimes watching other people walk round me and I feel as if im not there. Its as if im a ghost and i could just blow away in the wind, often enough i wish i would just blow away. Some days i just cant take the struggle and ive no energy or desire to fight with myself. You seem to have to spend alot of time in your own head with having BP trying to challenge the negative and suicidal thoughts etc. I feel like such an outsider from normal society and its made worse by people abandoning me since ive been sick, its really great when you get kicked when your down isnt it.

[jen21287]

I have felt lonely my whole life. I can be in a crowded room full of people and still feel all alone. It can be hard to relate to other people at times, especially while in the midst of an episode. When I am depressed, I completely shut myself off from the world and crawl into a dark place where I am consumed with my negative thoughts.  I do not have anyone to talk to about this illness because no one else can relate, not even my family. This board has been very helpful to me because everyone is dealing with this illness and I have learned a lot from it. This is the one place that I do not feel alone, if only I could feel that way out in the real world.

[butterflykitty]

I feel the exact same way. I just don't know how to make friends and it just gets to you sometimes.

[Barribjorn]

I do one of two things, I either own the room or group of people and feel great doing it. Then I go home and feel like ****. I feel like no one truly understands me or my vision, which I get lost in all to many times. I feel like I am being placated and given a sympathy trip.

Then of course switch it around. I really feel like I miss the other half of happiness so many seem to have..

[RubyShooz]

I'm lonely too, wherever I am, whatever I do, even when I'm with people.  Like I'm locked up in my own little world with my own demons and bad thoughts.  Why can't I just be thankful for the good things in my life and enjoy life like other people seem to do?  

[determined2beatit]

I get that way also. I think it's because really no one you see seems to go through what I am. I mean people have problems but do they fight with their thoughts and feelings as much as we do? Sometimes when I'm in a bad state I feel like I don't belong in society. I pretend to go through the motions but feel pain inside.I can;t connect because I'm so absorbed in my emotions. I hate it! Life sometimes is such an effort, a struggle that saddens me.Some days I just can't fight the fight.That's when I disconnect from everything and feel alone. You're right about people though a lot of times they do distance themselves when you're down and need them the most.I do think we would all be able to enjoy life and think happy thoughts ect. but BIPOLAR won't allow it!!

[Tyzer33]

Thanks all of you for replying to my post its good to at least be able to talk with people who actually understand the battles we fight minute by minute,hour by hour and day by day. I have found myself resorting to self harm a lot when i cant fight the thoughts, its like a lesser of two evils i do it keep the suicidal thoughts out and keep me from acting on them. Its not much fun when a stanley blade is the only way to keep yourself alive and the only way to clear my head of the intense thoughts. I just feel so tired of this it would be nice just to go to sleep and not wake up again, its like im walking through hell just to get to heaven.

[RubyShooz]

Oh, please please stop harming yourself.  Bipolar does enough harm to us with the thoughts, emotions, loneliness, etc.  Don't add to your pain by cutting yourself -- you deserve better than that.  Try to learn to love yourself.  We all have our own demons to fight and we all are hurting.  But please stop hurting yourself physically -- that is not the answer.  Know that we are here for you and come to these message boards whenever you feel the urge to hurt yourself.  We will give you all the love and support we can.
Hugs,
Ruby

[determined2beatit]

Walking through hell just to get to heaven! My God when I read that I was astounded!! Somebody feels the way I do!!
Isn't that the truth!! How long until it's over and we are finally happy and at peace. I get very tired of pretending11 You are soooo very right my friend!

[Barribjorn]

Tyzer, I have made it to 34 and the battles can go on and on. When I was in my 20's I battled suicidal thoughts, but more importantly I battle the self destructive behavior. There is hope and peace, and sometimes it is a breif respite.

We dance the narrow edge of sanity skirting  the abyss looms wide and open. The chaos that fills it like a cauldron is the fuel to the madness....  

[Nikki2226]

No one can understand what it is like to be bipolar unless they are bipolar.  I think this is why so many of us feel lonely all the time.  It is so hard to talk and share with others because they simply don't get it.  I recently found out a friend of my dad has a bipolar daughter.  She wants to help me and give me some advice on all of this.  I think it will help to have someone who understands me and I can talk to.  Of course, I haven't called her yet because I am still very anti-social, but I'll get up the courage soon.  I hope you can find a friend who understands you and can help you combat the loneliness. when you need it the most.

[bernie40]

Reading your post made me realise I am not alone!  Like you even when I am with people I feel alone, I feel selfish because I only want to be with people when "I" want to be with them, I push people away and avoid making friends, I have pushed so many people away that I really only have my family and one close friend.  I commented to my pdoc that I feel like I am acting most of the time and the strain of it is exhausting.  I am definitely going to be on here more regularly because for the first time I am reading posts that relate to how I feel, act etc

[lynnkay]

I replied to your other post. I agree with the comment that no one understands being bipolar unless you are bipolar. I have a great husband. He tries so hard to understand me. My grown children have seen me struggle with this mental illness for many years. My family accepts me for what I am. But, do they understand me. Not really. I once was more social, but over the years, i prefer not to have friends. I feel no need for them. That is just one of the quirks with my being bipolar. I love my family most dearly. But, there are times, I just want to be alone. Alone with my thoughts and feelings. My oldest son is 28 and is bipolar too. He used drugs and alcohol to self medicate. When he was manic, he was off the charts. Way worse than my manic episodes. He ended up in prison in 2004. I am currently am waiting for him to be released this year. I have a strong bond with this son, as we both understand what being bipolar is like. He has been drug and alcohol free these 4 yrs. Taking his meds in prison and he has never done better. Even got his GED and took college courses. He did some stupid things while manic, that caused him to end up in prison. But, more people suffer with this mental illness than you realize. I use to think I was the only one in the world like this. I learned over the years, there are many of us. But, being bipolar there will be storms that you think will never end. I have learned over the years to educate myself on this illness. Also, what helps me, is to recognize the warning signs or symptoms, that I am relapsing into an episode. Not always easy to recognize them, but with time you learn to try to stay a step ahead at least. I hope you get something out of my posts. For me, it is very hard to explain, the many aspects of being bipolar. I just know how I have felt over the years with it. Not always easy to put feelings into words.

[kittystarr]

I was diagnosed with BP 30 years ago and so relived! I thought i was mad like in the old movies. And i too am so alone . I never could keep friends  because i let them use me and when i was out of use they threw me away . no matter how many people i had around me i always have and do feel lonely. It is worse now that almost all family are gone. There are MANY BP in my family but i am most high functioning becaue i finally made up my mind to fight to be as normal as i can (whatever normal is!?) you name it and i tried it in the past. drugs, sex, sucide, the works and realized no one will ever be there for me. My faith is all that sustains me. The hardest thing is seeing my son struggle too. At least I can listen to him and let him know he is not alone for now. my hardest challenge is living with a hubby who does not understand at all and not having anyone to talk to when i need to work through something to make a deciion.

[Tink70]

We are not alone.  We number in the millions yet we walk in shadows.  If only we could figure out how to create an beacon that was noticeable only to US!  (Sounds like somekind of sci-fi movie! LOL)  It IS nice to know that others feel the same.  It is lonely out here in the big ole world when you feel like you are the only one with BP but there are support groups everywhere.  Seek them out.  You can hook up with other BPs that are stable and trying to control the imbalance - NOT let the imbalance control them.
I happen to be a recovering alcoholic on top of being BPI so it aint hard to find other BPs - you just gotta kinda weed through people and eventually you find them!  I'd wager to say about 70% of recovering alcoholics ARE BiPolar!  We all used alcohol to self medicate and somewhere we crossed the line and became alittle "pickled"! LOL  Anyhoo- Tyzer - You keep your head up!  Find some good counseling and a good website/support group for self mutilation!  That is an addiction, too, my friend!  Just like drinking or druggin!  Find a good Psychiatric PA and recheck your meds!  You might need an adjustment on your medication and you definetly need some intense counseling!  Hope all goes well!

[emilio_el_diablo]

Well I'm 22 I've been bipolar all my life but found out about it a year ago. It feels so great i can reliate with other people like me! Like when you were talking about hell. Everytime i get ''city of birth'' i write ''hell''. I've always knew i was different, that my head wasn't like other people. I've had episodes of mania and alcool abuse and stuff. I use to think id never be able to keep a job, to work over 5 hours a week, or even going out of my appartment walking one block away for milk. But now i have medications. Theyr fixing 90 pct of my problem. Im prety close to stabe and now im using the positive sides of BP disorder. I work 70h a week 7/7 10 hours a day. I love it, im going to school soon, I'm pro with a guitar, im an incredible artist and all. Only thing that is gona ruin my life is that i still feel lonely and that my love life *****. Always ends in huge drama. They never understand me. I just got left for another guy. She purposely drove the knife real deep. Sooooo it triggered another maniac episode but its sort of under control cuz i use it at my advantage >.< btw guys iv read when perfectly medicated you don't feel lonely anymore... Anyways i hope to chat with one of you guys one day... look my name is emile chretien, add me on facebook so maybe we can start a small comunity... so that could help us feel less lonely. Good luck and just don't give up, this disease is a test, lose and you die, win and you come out very strong.

[rogelio63]

I feel lonely.  In a roomful of people, friends, family, I feel like I'm watching from outside a window.  Not all of the time, thank God.  But a lot of the time.  I have a lot of friends, but at work, sometimes I find myself hiding just to get away from people.  So yes, loneliness.  I don't know if it's a symptom or not, but it's definitely there.

[RawHealth]

I see it as a sense of isolation, more than loneliness, though I definitely relate. Glad it is not permanent. Helps a little to tell myself that and to distract myself with things I like, such as up-tempo music and so on.

[hoopbug]

Reading these comments actually lowered my anxiety a little bit. Lately, my depression has grown worse than ever before. I had to quit school, got demoted at work, and feel like I am barely hanging on. I am 22 years old, and I feel like I am watching my family move on without me. For most of my life, I have felt left behind, like I am in a glass box where I can see everything, but I cannot be understood or happy like everyone else. I have been suffering from depression for most of my life, but these days suicidal thoughts seem to carry themselves right into the middle of my life. When you are sitting in public, and all of the sudden anxiety comes on and overwhelmingly blinds you, it becomes very difficult to block out ways to make it all end. It has been scaring me lately because I am worried that one day, I won't be able to fight back. I try to do as many things that make me happy as possible, but I am no longer interested in what i used to be. I am not myself and I feel like I am screwing up my life. I push people away every day for no reason now, and only talk to a few people. Even my closest friends are starting to seem like outsiders to me and because I feel like they don't understand me, I try to push them away daily. I constantly feel INCOMPETENT, selfish, and lifeless. I know there has to be an end, but even on the good days, I worry the bad ones will return and they do.  it has become and back and forth emotion shift everyday. Does anyone have these shifts and how do you cope?

[sherribabi]

Advice :)

I have not been officially diagnosed with bi-polar, but for years people have commented on my manic depressive behaviour.
It's kind of become a running joke.

I know the way I am is not normal. At this moment I can't sleep. Too many thoughts are in my head. I'm scared someone will get in the house and harm me and my little girl. I've spent the past few days in a wierd mode, like Im not really here. Just obsessing about stupid things that are eating away at me, to the point I can barely function. All these awful thoughts wont go away. It's like Im completely wired and alive but nt in a good way. its horrible. My legs wont stay still when I try and sleep. Sick thoughts keep occurring to me and I dont want to be near anyone, yet I would kill for someone to hold me and make it all better. I even climbed into my little girls cot before just so I could feel close to someone who wouldnt judge me.

Only a few days ago, I felt so happy and positive. I got so much done and felt on top of the world. I find myself getting so over- excited people can't keep up with me, when I feel like this it's wierd, like I know Im gonna make it and be successful and in these times I convince myself I am better and wont get so low again, It never lasts and then I feel so depressed and down on myself that I let myself fall again.

Sometimes I can go quite a while feeling fairly level, but then I t all goes crazy again. I make a fool of myself all the time, by getting over excited and crying in in-appropriate situations. I feel like my skin is peeled off and am so sensitive to everything. Any little thing can set me off into depression sometimes and other times I feel so strong. Like none of that matters and Im amazing anyway so **** everyone.

Also I had a really bad episode of depression a few years ago- and at the end of it I had a load of grand mal seizures. That was a year out of my life I hardly remember. It was never diagnosed as epilepsy or anything proper. So I dunno if that has something to do with it.

I find it hard to form relationships. I can be too much for most people to take and while people sem to like me on the whole- they take the ****. I can feel them looking down on me for the way I talk too much and say innapropriate things sometimes. I think I can be a bit intense too and people tend to be more laid back than me and I cant be like that. When I try to tell people how feel they brush it off and basically tell me to get over it. But MY GOD- I would give absolutely anything to be a different person sometimes. Why the hell would anyone want to feel like this?

And it's not like normal depression coz a lot of the time I am very positive and the thing that keeps me going is knowing that it passes eventually. During the moment tough it's awful. Sometimes when Im wired I literally pace the house desperately needing to get out and be wreckless. If I spend money and buy new clothes or something that helps- it calms me down a little.

When I was a teenager I did wierd things- like I shaved my head bald (and I am a girly girl totally vain haha) and stupid embarrassing stuff Im too ashamed to write.
I often get the urge to do publicly crazy things like scream in the middle of the street. I also get a wierd thrill from saying shocking things sometimes.

In a nutshell I spend most of my life trying to control my impulses, whether it be impulsive thoughts or actions. And sometimes I feel like I have no control. Like my brain has taken over. I feel like my eyes glaze over (I know that sounds strange) and everything carries on.

I'm so tired of being the way I am.
Does it sound like Bi-polar, I am scared of being medicated because Im an actress and am creative and my best work often comes when I feel 'high' and elated.

Sorry for the rant

Sherri x

[lindahand]

There is a fear that being medicated will take away creativity. Sometimes it can but a lot of times it makes creativity better because there is not the depression to deal with and the highs that are impossible to get anything done. Unless you are on a really bad combination of meds you will still be you. And if you are not you need to change meds.

Kay Jameson has done research on this. Her book is called "Touched by Fire" and may be something you'd be interested in reading. If you haven't at least tried medication - may be time to.

There is a lot of debate as to whether or not psyc meds are good in the long term but I know they gave me a life back. I was like you and flipping from one state to another in a frantic haze of being. That type of bipolar is hard to treat (or at least that is what every pdoc I've seen has told me). I take lamotrigine, trazodone (although I am trying to taper off that because it makes me too drowsy) and Zeldox. I also take birth control and that combination really helps me. I still have to be very careful about stress. Your combination would be different. The pdocs here tend to prescribe seroquel and lamotringe for bipolar, but I has an adverse reaction to seroquel.

The others things are your standards. Eat right, exercise, know your triggers (those things which lead to episodes or periods of high stress - for example working too much is a trigger for me so I have to make sure that I take really good care of myself when I work longer hours)

One question that is worth asking is what will provide the best quality of life for your little one.

[friendly45]

I am a positive person doing well with the help of my fantastic husband.  I have three children who do not seem to be bipolar.  Where I suffer is at the school gates. Other mothers definitely think I'm weird.  I have tried being friendly to them but to no avail.  I have now more or less given up in that regard. They are the ones who have weird ideas about me.  I have overheard them say I fancy people which is simply not true. am totally devoted to my beloved husban and no one else.  They even have a very cruel nickname for me.  It breaks my heart sometimes. The school is the single most nightmarish part of my life.  I live for the holidays when I don't have to face them.  The awful thing is I have never done or said anything to upset any of them.  Can you believe grown women could be so ignorant and cruel?

[hiattn2000]

I also feel so alone. Ever since I was a young child teachers and other people noticed my bazaar behavior. In 1996 happened my first Bipolar episode with delusions. The following years I had more episodes. At one point I had to get ECT which was very scary.  I don't feel like a normal person and I feel like a social failure. I

[hiattn2000]

I also feel so alone. Ever since I was a young child teachers and other people noticed my bazaar behavior. In 1996 happened my first Bipolar episode with delusions. The following years I had more episodes. At one point I had to get ECT which was very scary.  I don't feel like a normal person and I feel like a social failure. I

[Nickeldoor]

Tyzer, I found someone like me that shares the same outlook. Well, I am that way too, sometimes I could really be alone and I like it that way. I had a lot of arguments with my mother and perhaps thats driving me away from people. But quietness gives me the peace and sometimes I would go running, listen to music, sleep in the whole afternoon, or read a book (I am now reading a book called Bipolar II. A real classic). Give it a shot doing things u never done before. But just remember once you are sitting too much at home, the 'evil' thoughts will set in.