My son doesn't support me

[Elektra_Demons]

My son (17 just started final year of high school) doesn't believe that I have BP2. He thinks that I have complete control over my actions. (I am only recently diagnosed Sept 08). He puts me through very stressful situations e.g. he is confrontational or he gives me the silent treatment or he starts pressing my buttons. Frankly I am tired of it. I have had to deal with a lot regarding him over the last 2 1/2 years. For example his deep depression and suicidal thinking, his sexuality, being bullied and so on. He seems to think everything revolves around him and his emotional equilibrium. I say enough now. Life cannot revolve around him all the time and he lives in a bubble concerning my illness and how it affects me. I feel as though he is bullying me just like my father bullied me all of my life. Aaaaaaargh I feel so frustrated and stressed out and all because of this 17 yro!!!!!!!!!!

[Elektra_Demons]

I thought things were sorted but it seems he was only paying lip service. My son has been very hostile towards me. It seems that his beef is with the fact I drink. In his eyes this is the cause of all my woes and his. I think that he has a zero tolerance i.e. even one glass of wine is not permitted. We all had such a fight the other day. When I was trying to explain to him that some of my behaviours are compulsive. He refuses to believe that its part of the bipolar and is some kind of self medication on my part. He thinks that if I stop drinking all together then everything will go away. He was so angry the other night, he was shouting at both of us. I must quantify that we never interact like this, ever. I don't know where this behaviour of his comes from. He is hostile, intimidating and passive aggressive which in my view is bullying. I don't know what to do. I am being blamed by him for everything. He says things like 'You make me feel unsafe'. How can I do that. I have never mistreated him, never shouted nor have I ever hit or smacked him in his entire life. In fact I've gone out of my way to give him the kind of life and support I never got from my family. (I was abused physically, emotionally and sexually). My husband and I are starting to think that the only relationship we can have with him is as some kind of lodger. I feel as though I need to withdraw from him because my symptoms are getting worse.

[LeftCoastChick]

I'm so glad you put your foot down, both you and your husband, it's amazing how quickly a teen will take over a household. My brother was the same way, but my parents didn't have the guts to do what you have done. Pat yourself on the back. The only piece of advice I can give, is keep it consistent - no if's, but's or maybe's. Lay out the consequences, even write out a contract, so he knows exactly what will happen if he gets out of line. He is in your home because you wish him to be, but you can remove him as quickly if he doesn't tow the line.

When I was initially diagnosed at 16, I was hard to control for about a year, though pretty tame in comparison to my brother.(he's still really messed up and BP but refuses treatment) as well I was placed in an Adolescent Group Day program instead of high school for 6 months.. I knew if I didn't act in a healthy way, I would have been put in group care. I would have lost all my social privilidges. So I smartened up really quickly. My parents had nothing to do with that though. I also came out of the closet at the same time, so it was pretty tumultous period of my life.  It's not easy being a teen and gay, on top of having BP, many kids don't make it through.

Be proud of what you have done, and realize you need to put yourself and your health first. Boundaries are really important for BP folks that we set for ourselves and others in our lives.

[bernie40]

I'm so glad your husband sat down and talked with him.  Sometimes it does need a "mediator" as such and with boys they seem to need to hear it from another male.

I hope he takes it all on board and thinks twice before acting/reacting in the future.

All the best.

[Elektra_Demons]

Thanks everyone for your advice. It is always good to know that you're not alone in these experiences. His dad ended up having a very long 1 1/2 hour talk to him about facing up to the fact that I have an illness and there is nothing anyone can do to make it go away. Bulldozers advice about pointing out the unconditional love I gave him in his troubles struck a chord. I actually took a month off work when he was at his worst to care for him.
I know teenagers are selfish (I too am a High school teacher). However, my students treat me with more respect than my own son and I don't force my students to do this it's mutual.
I guess what's most hurtful is that it is some one who is so close to me and I want him to love me. After all I tried to give him everything I never had. By that I mean emotional support and love. (I was abused as a child by my father).
Anyway at the end of this talk my son started to feel embarrassed by his behaviour (btw I wasn't present his my husband told me this) and wanted to know what he could do to make things better. His dad told him the best thing he could do was apologise and demonstrate a consistent change in attitude as well as believing the illness is a reality and do whatever he could to help. Stress is an absolute killer for me. A tiny bit for others is like ten times worse for me.
Anyway thanks guys for your support and unconditional care.

[Narnia41]

I really understand what you are going through and I'm sorry you have to put up with this.  My son was 16 when I was diagnosed BP2, two years ago.  He has never come to terms with it, has been very insulting towards me, tells me I'm 'weak'.  I've tried everything to get him to understand but he will not listen.  My Psych says I let him behave like an abusive partner in a relationship...maybe it's because I feel guilty as I just want to be the perfect mum.

I do think that your son may be scared, in denial, maybe angry too.  When I used to try and explain my illness to my son he would fly into an angry rage.  Teenagers can be selfish and don't like anything to rock their world.  My only coping mechanism was to walk away during his outbursts, either into another room or out of the house.  

He is now living away at college and our relationship is so much better, though he still won't accept or discuss my diagnosis.  Perhaps that's something that will come with maturity?

Hang in there, and try and get some timeout when you can

[elwoodsf]

First of all, I don't know everything (disclaimer here). I too have a 17 year old boy who thinks the world revolves around him and his 19 year old sister is still going through this process even as she is away at college. Yes, they do think the world revolves around them. That is the job of a teenager, to make sure they are heard, seen, and everyone needs to know that they are "all that". I work at a high school and see this everyday.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 30 years ago. My kids grew up knowing their mom has a mental illness. My daughter has always been accepting of this. My son, on the other hand, has not. He will get in my face and tell me that I'm not bipolar, that he will not believe it. He acuses me of lying about BP so I can act the way I do with an excuse. I have come to terms with his behavior towards me. He is afraid to know his mom has a mental illness and he is old enough now to know that it can be genetic (BP runs in my family). He is afraid for himself. My son has had issues of his own and he is afraid that he will be blessed with BP. So he, in turn, fights me through his fear. No longer do I allow him to be disrespectful towards me. I allowed this behavior out of my own guilt. He is asked to go to his room or his dad will tell him "that is enough". Also, I have learned that when he gets angry enough, I need to leave the room. This threw him for a loop!

I hear your frustration. I wish there was a magic wand at Wally World but there isn't. Sometimes, when I think about teenagers in general (since I'm around them ALL DAY URG) I try to think of what I can learn from their behavior. Being a teen in todays world is scary enough. So much pressure is on them to be high level performers, to graduate HS, go to college, get a high paying job. Often times teens who don't fill this mold are overlooked, hence the comment "they want to be heard, seen, etc."

I hope that one of my words will bring encouragement and/or enlightenment to you.