4 year old with behavior problems

[Pippi524]

I have a four year old daughter that seems to me has serious behavior problems.  For over two years she has shown mood swings and anger problems where she would throw stuff, hit me and do other abusive things.  A year ago she was molested by a 9 year old boy, which we did get her into counseling with a social worker.  But she is now acting out more and more and her mood swings and anger seems to be getting even worse.  Some days she will be hitting me and her little brother who is 11 months old and calling me cuss words (which she did not learn at home).  Some days we will be riding in the car and if I tell her no about something she will say things like "I hate you, Im gonna kill you, Im gonna get a knife and cut your head off."  And she will even describe how she would kill me and talks about the blood that would be there.  And now lately the violent part has been escalating.  Last week her little brother was walking across the living room, no where close to my daughter and she got mad at something and ran to her brother and threw him on the ground and started stomping his stomach.  That scared me because that could cause serious injury and was worst than she had ever done.  Then two days later for no reason at all, she was not even upset, she threw him on the ground again and did the same thing.  It seems like she could extremely happy one minute and then go into intense rage.  I do time outs, which at those times I have to hold her bedroom door closed because she will be throwing stuff at me.  And when it gets too out of hand I sometimes to spank her, which she will always turn around and start hitting me back.  I dont know what to do, and her therapist doesnt understand that this behavior started before the molestation, and the more she regresses the therapist just says that means she is trusting us more and its a good thing.  But it seems to me that there is something else going on and it is getting kind of dangerous for other people in the house.

I myself have Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Problems, Severe Depression and mild OCD.

[Pippi524]

She does not still have contact with the 9 year old.  We are pretty sure it is something that happened on several occasions when she was at church.  CPS got involved when we started her seeing the social worker.  We didnt know what to do for her but knew she needed help and couldnt afford therapy.  So in our town they have a place that does free therapy for victims of sexual abuse.  So we took her there.  That social worker filed the police report in the town we were in.  We moved an hour from that town.  We met with the police and they chose not to interview her because the boy is so young that nothing legally can be done.  So they were going to send CPS to the boys house and leave it at that.  Well, two months into therapy her therapist decides that my daughter is starting to act out more in therapy which to her means a new problem has come up because in the beginning my daughter was shy and quiet in therapy.  She told us that her acting out showed that she trusted us and her social worker, but then acts like we are doing something to make things worse.  So she filed the CPS report.  They did say she had to stay in therapy with that social worker.  I also started seeing a social worker at the same place as my daughter and now that social worker wants to make a CPS report saying that my 11 month old son is not safe in the house with his older sister because of the way she acts.
  I am in therapy.  I have been seeing the same psychiatrist for 10 years so I do have him there to back me up.  I just started with the new social worker.  My husband does not go to therapy and has no history of mental illness anywhere in his family.  And my daughter and him get along great.  She loves her daddy.  She acts more angry to me than to him.  They do lots of things together and on the weekend they go golfing together because that is her favorite thing to do, she likes helping drive the golf cart.
   There are plenty of mental illnesses in my biological family.  Every female we have met so far has Borderline Personality Disorder, and many other mental problems especially depression and OCD.  Thats just to name a few things you will find in my family history.  So I believe that there is a possibility that she could also have something.  But I keep getting told its all our fault as parents because we are not good enough parents.  And therefore they offer no help but to say to love your kid more so they will act right.
  I dont want to be like my adoptive parents who waited until I was 15 to get me help and that only happened on accident and I had already started self-injuring and doing other things.  They waited on my biological brother so long that he was already in trouble with the law and is not spending 36 years in prison.
  I just dont even know where to turn anymore, it seems like I am running into a bunch of dead ends and getting turned away.  MHMR says they wont deal with kids that young, the advocacy center said the child had to be somehow involved in the program to get help from them, where she is getting counseling made an exception to take her at such a young age because no one else would help, and they are not being too helpful.  And I do know that the local psych hospitals take patients that young which could start everything for her, but my husband does not want to put her in there at such a young age.  I went in and out of the local one many time from 15-21 and know its not a bad place.  But is it really the right thing to do?  We cant really afford to just to take her to a psychiatrist and mine cant really see her since he is my psychiatrist.

[momagain59]

Does she still have contact with the 9 year old that molested her? Was this going on for awhile or was this a one time deal? How did CPS get involved in the first place? If you have an open abuse case on file, your daughter will have to continue in therapy. What kinds of reports does the social worker make? Are you and your husband in therapy? If not, this would probaly help to show that you are trying to work out this situation. You can also take your daughter to a psychiatrist on your own if she is still in your custody. The psychiatrist does not have to replace the scoial worker that they want her to see. She needs to get an evaluation to see if she may need medication at this point and only a psychiatrist can prescribe this. Is your husband her biological father? Does he have any mental illness in his background? Does she act angry towards him? What is their relationship like? You do not have to be doing anything wrong for your daughter to act like this if she is mentally ill. Keep seeking answers for her, she can be helped if the right help is located.

[Pippi524]

She gets plenty of attention from me and her father one on one without her brother around.  In the evening after he goes to bed we spend time with just her.  Her father takes her special places through out the week so that they get time together without her brother.  And I also take her out during the week and weekend to do things she likes to do where it is just she and I.  The reason the door gets held shut is because she is throwing stuff which does put her brother in danger.  If we let her have her fit in an open area then CPS accuses us of putting her brother in risk, although at the same time they say not to hold the door closed on her.  So they are not leaving us much of any option.  I understand that she may be angry because being molested at such a young age is difficult, I have been there and know what it is like.  Taking activities or toys from her does not work.  We do not like to have the t.v. on in the evening time anyways because that distracts us from spending time together as a family, which we feel is more important that a t.v. show.  She does not have any toys that she really likes that she wouldnt mind giving up.  If she take something away from her she will ask us to just throw it in the trash and she doesnt care if she ever gets it back.  
  She is in play therapy with a social worker that CPS is making us stay with right now, and the social workers keep making new CPS reports to make sure we can not take her out of therapy with them.  We would love to get her into therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist but we dont know how to get around CPS on this one.
  But I honestly believe that her behavior is not because of some lack of attention or jealousy for her brother.  Her brother actually gets less attention then her and she will even bring her brother to us asking us to play with him.  But he is usually content with doing things on his own.  But we do give both our kids lots of love and attention with each other and apart from each other.  There is something else going on and we just dont know what to do about it or where to even start.

[Encephalomalcia]

Is she getting enough attention alone time with you?  Is she jealous of her brother?  She seems to be angry at you and extremely jealous of her brother.  She needs time alone with you (time to do fun things together).  We all need to have fun in our lives, and feel special and that we are loved.  She is angry because she is missing something in her life and she is taking it out on you because she is resenting it.  She could seriously hurt her brother.  A past friend of mine had a 5 year old boy and a 9 year old girl.  He was afraid that the girl was going to kill the boy.  I told him that you give the boy all the attention because he's the son you always wanted, but you are not giving her much attention at all.  He started giving her attention, hugs and kisses, soft tone in voice and she responded.  She is no longer aggressive toward her brother.  He is no longer a threat to her.   Parenting is a tough job.  Need to be loving, caring, listen to your child, have fun doing things with your child yet remain firm and always stay in control.  Holding her door shut is too far.  You, at that point, are creating her to be more out of control.  A child should be in time out and if that does not work then something else can be taken away.  No t.v. tonight.  Going to bed early.  Say to the child "Obviously, if you acting this way it means you are tired.  Early to bed tonight".