Child Reward System

[Shauhncy]

Hi all, I have a question.

I have a 3 year old son that has behavioral issues (who doesn't I guess lol) and I have a sticker chart reward system for him. It works okay so far but I need to be more consistent with it. I want to get to where I am using this to be his way of punishment over anything else if it will work.
Currently, I will put him in time out or spank him if he's been very bad.

My question is, how does the reward chart work when we aren't at home to use the chart. For example, this morning,
he was being mean and screaming at me in the car because he wanted to play games on my phone, but I was using it to make a call. I told him to let me use it for a minute and I would give it back.
He continued to say, "I want the phone! I want the phone!" and so on. I told him to stop yelling or he would be in trouble. He yelled it again.
I said, "Okay, now you will get a sticker taken away from your chart." He said, "No, don't take a sticker away!" in a mean tone.

Will it be effective enough and make enough sense for him when this evening I take a sticker away because he was being mean? Will he understand that it was for this morning's actions, if I tell him? Or is that a bad way to handle it?
I guess what I'm asking is can you handle the reward chart this way, or will it only be effective for use at the exact time he has done the wrong? Like, if we are at home and he misbehaves, and I take one away.

Thanks for the help!!

[91004]

I use to catch myself raising my voice to, it just doesn't work, all that happens is we both get madder and louder. I now say what I need to say, if he persist he goes upstairs for timeout by hisself for a few minutes. It usually works because he hates sitting by hisself. If he keeps yelling I go downstairs and leave him till he quits. I agree with the other post. I use that one alot it doesn't work it is broke. I also have an old phone that I gave them to play with and will tell them to find it. It is your phone so if you decide to not let him have it anymore make sure you stick with it.  I have problems with mine listening when they get back from visits once again your the boss when he is with you, it don't matter what dad or anyone else does this is how you do it and how you want it at your house. My oldest is 5 and he is getting use to it now, his dad lets him get away with anything and he will tell me but he will also say but you want let me do that. After awhile he will get it.

[Shauhncy]

Thank you for your suggestions. I really want to get this issue under control so my life can be more normal.

I think things are improving just from talking to him differently, giving him reasons why things are bad, and I know I need to be more consistent.

It's a daily struggle when he comes back from his dad's.

I will definitely try your suggestions, as well as everyone else's.

[specialmom]

As far as the phone----  a simple "it's broken" and push the lock on it so he can't work it.  If the phone is an issue, remove it from the situation.  Then keep it in your pocket or purse.  

[Shauhncy]

If I'm not careful I will raise my voice, but I've gotten much better about that. I am getting better about talking on his level, except I have to ignore him after I have tried to talk to him and he just wants to yell. Then he won't listen to anything at all.

That's true, he doesn't always needs to be entertained. I have to keep that in mind.

So, in your opinion (and anyone else's that wants to answer) what do I do in a situation where I have made a mistake and let him use my phone in the past, he loves it and wants to play it a lot, and now I will tell him no, he can't use it anymore.
Should I just explain it to him and then move on from it?

[specialmom]

Ya know, I think kids at that age can relate to what they desire or value.  Such as,you could say to him " if you will walk in the grocery store beside me (or whatever)---  when you get home, you can play with your leapster for 20 minutes".  And as he acts out in the grocery store---  give a warning.  "I know you would like to play with your leapster, so remember to stay with me  . .."  And follow through.  If he won't do it, no leapster.  Little kids have some trouble with sticker charts because the concept of time and waiting for the reward and all kind of goes over their heads.  But I'd say with the grocery store example that expecting a 3 year old to behave in that type of place is setting yourself up for disappointment.   On errands such as this----  I would avoid taking him if you can.  It's hard  I know, but I avoid situations that are known problem areas.  Hitting from your child is never okay.  Continue with the time outs.  Don't get upset, don't react by yelling---- stay as calm as you can.  You model the way you want him to act and he may follow.  I also am a big believer in music in the car, it keeps my kids occupied and more calm.  I have two boys that can get wound up though---- so we have a rule.  If Mommy can't concentrate while driving, I don't drive.  I pull over.  My kids HATE this and will usually take that as their lead to quiet down.  I just try to stay really consistent with everything.  I know it is extra hard for you since you share custody----  but you sound like you are really trying.  Keep at it!  He'll finally get the messge and thank you for it.

[91004]

your child sounds kind of like mine. Do you yell or raise your voice when he doesn't listened. I have found with my almost 3 yr old that getting to his level and explaining to him why it is wrong or not nice works well. Also I let my child play with my phone, but they also know when I say no it means no or they can't play with it anymore. I also tell them that. Letting him watch movies to keep him entertained it mite keep him occupied but when he gets older and instead of going outside to play he will want to watch tv. A child needs to learn that they don't always have to be entertained. Mine will sing in the store or make that time when you all catch up like what do you want to do when we get home or what do you want for supper, make up questions. The other post was a great ides music in the car, we turn the music up and sing together, and dance. Sure we look crazy but they are having fun and it prevents alot of the behavior problems. No grandmother that I know punishes their grandchild the way you do some don't punish at all until they have had enuf of the bad behavior and it is not your responsibility to do it when you get there. Leave it to the grandparents. Like you said you need to be more consistant, that is your problem. Stick with the timeout, or whippings not both its to confusing.

[Shauhncy]

The music thing is definitely something we could try. That is a good idea. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Shauhncy]

You're right, he should have never been given my phone in the 1st place. I let him watch movies on it while we're in the grocery store and places to keep him entertained, and now he wants to play games on it anytime he sees it. I guess now I will need to keep it out of his sight, and make sure he has his Leapster or his own DVD player (that I usually don't take because I can't keep up with them at the grandparents houses and stuff)  to occupy him instead of my phone that I usually don't take because I can't keep up with them at the grandparents houses and stuff. Not letting him have it all would solve the problem, after he gets used to the idea that he can't play with it anymore.
Will he be confused that all of a sudden, he can't play with it? Will it cause him more anger?

He was picking his nose at a soccer game in front of many adults and kids, so I asked him to stop picking it and he went "Uhhh don't talk to me" last Monday. It's so embarrassing when he does that stuff.

You're right, I'm very stressed and frustrated. Well, I have too much of a break from him and that's part of the problem. I have him one week on, one off, because his dad has him every other week and he spoils him to death and gives him everything he wants.

[megochick101]

While in the car, do you listen to music with him? My son is 2 1/2 and i have kids sing a long cds(he loves them!) that we listen to in the car and when he is bad I turn off the music for quiet time.

For example: the other day my son repeatedly kicked the back of my seat. i told him"michael either stop kicking mommy's seat or no more music time" He continued to do it so off the music went. He started yelling and i told him that I had warned him about kicking my seat and that he didn't listen to mommy so we are having a quiet time. My son loves his car songs so that usually works when he's acting up in the car. and if your son starts yelling and crying, tell him once to stop and that it's now quiet time because he wasn't listening. and if he doesn't stop just ignore him until he calms down(i know it's hard) Once he's calm, you can thank him and praise him for calming down and acting like a big boy and then tell him since he is being good and listening to you he can listen to his music. Just try your hardest NOT to acknowledge his car tantrum, give him one warning and then ignore it, and focus on the good behavior(when he's calmed down and not yelling) *** will help him realize he'll get better attention when he is being good.

[jdtm]

How could I have explained this better to get a better reaction?

Frankly, your telephone should not be in the hands of your child; keep it where he cannot get it.  Purchase him a "toy" telephone - preventative discipline - that's what I'm trying to say - preventing problems before they occur.  When a child is tired and he/she does not comprehend what is going on, then problems/tantrms always occur.  What I find is that many parents plan their day according to the wishes and wants of the parent instead of the other way around.  Doesn't work - and no, I did not always follow my own advice when my children were younger.  Raising children can be  lonely, frustrating and tedious work.  One more thing - sometimes just stepping back and ignoring the small issues (as picking a nose - just get a kleenex and ask him to blow) is the better route take.  I get the feeling from your answer that you are stressed and exhausted and maybe could use a break from "parenting".  Is there anyone who could help you more?  Just wondering ....

[Shauhncy]

oh, and by the way, I guess I did not put earlier that I am using the reward system MOSTLY for the reward part, but if he does something bad, I sometimes will take one away.

For instance, out of the 20 stickers he has right now given for good behavior, I have maybe taken 2 away the whole time.

But I see what you're saying- that I can't be harsher on the punishment side of the reward system.

[Shauhncy]

That's kind of what I figured with the sticker issue. He won't "get it" later in the day if I do it.

Speaking of the same scenario, what can I do while we are in the car and he does something where he should typically sit in his room in time out for a while?

This morning, when all this happened, I was taking him to meet my mother for her to keep him today while I'm at work. She won't enforce the rules I give, and when he's going to daycare, I wouldn't have much control over the situation either when we are out of the car.

If I were a stay at home mom, this would be much easier, because like you said, we would go straight home and he would sit in his room for a while until he could be pleasant.

So how can he be punished in the car, if warning him that he won't get a sticker later, is ineffective, because obviously putting him in time out later would be the same effect.

[RockRose]

Shaunhcy,  that sticker thing isn't going to work with a 3 year old,  in part because you are using it to punish instead of reward.  The sticker system,  when it works,  it supposed to be reward only,  never punishment.    Also,  as you note,  taking the sticker away much later in the day is ineffective.

If you still want to use the sticker system,  use it joyfully -  "You are doing so great in this boring grocery store I think you'll get TWO stickers!"   That kind of thing.

As for your phone,  don't plead with him to "borrow it".  It's your phone.  When you want it it's yours,  and if he keeps screaming about it you're both going right home and he can sit in his room for 1/2 hour until he can be quiet.

You're coming off as mean,  and punitive,  and also groveling and pleading at the same time.  Picture the dog whisperer.  Be like that.  In control.  

[Shauhncy]

Well, he misbehaves often, like he will hit me when he is in trouble and getting in time out, or he will yell at me when I try to instruct him not to pick his nose, or anything of that nature that he doesn't like.
How can I get him to understand better when he wants my phone and I need it to make a call?
I had already explained to him that I needed to "borrow it for a minute to see if Mimi had texted me back." He replied, "No" and then I said "Mommy needs to see the phone for a minute and I will give it back, let me have it" and then he gave it up, but he was hesitant and he was yelling saying "I want the phone back. I want the phone back." I then told him that if he yelled it again, he wouldn't get it back period. He yelled it again. I said, you're not getting the phone back now." He started hitting the car door with his fist. I said, "Stop hitting stuff." He hit it again. I said, "I'm taking a sticker away from your chart tonight for hitting again." He yelled through gritted teeth, "No, don't take a sticker."

How could I have explained this better to get a better reaction?

[jdtm]

One question - is your son misbehaving because he is "bad" or is he misbehaving
because he doesn't understand?  I really think that a lot of "behavioural issues" are not behavioural at all, but just frustration from lack of comprehension (probably in a large part due to limited vocabulary of child and impatience of adults).  I know, as parents, we're always in a rush and there never seems to be enough time but a little boy doesn't understand this.  Sometimes I think one solution (of many) is to just take a little more time to explain ....