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Dealing with other people's children when sharing living space
If you were annoyed or upset with some of the behaviors/actions of a roommates child, would you feel comfortable speaking up & telling the roommate or not say anything because it's really not your place & you're trying to keep the peace? The child doesn't live with our roommate but visits quite often.
Best Answer
Hi and welcome. Its your house to and i certainly would speak up. My experience with trying to keep peace as it often leads to full scale war as other things will pop up later. If its not one thing its another
Okay, well then if that's all there is, simply speak up and make it clear what rooms are off limits. Then, all should be solved. Hope it works out!
My husband & our roommate talk all the time & they're both honest men & none of them have expressed issues. Everyone else appears to be happy but my unhappiness is stemming from the discomfort of my personal space repeatedly being walked in on. Other than that I have no issues
Well according to her dad she gets whatever she wants at her mom's house & is completely spoiled. He even said he's guilty of spoiling her too so I don't think attention is lacking. I told my son to ignore her because I felt like she was trying to get him in trouble. To avoid there being an issue I stopped their play awhile back because she wasn't nice to him. (I posted about that in another forum saying how she continuously made fun of his speech delay). I don't pay her mind because she doesn't really listen to me which I would expect from a child her age. Plus I don't feel comfortable disciplining a child that's not mine. My husband is asleep when she's here & they leave shortly after he wakes up. He doesn't have an issue with her, however he wasn't happy to see her in our room one day when he was coming out of the bathroom. From what I see she has no issue being here as she always begs to stay & or cries when she has to leave. In the past her & my son played together just fine but awhile back she started being really mean to him & told him not to bother her anymore. Since then he hasn't really paid her much mind when she comes & I can understand why. I don't think her dad expects me to watch her or anything & as I said in an earlier post when she is up here it's usually not for long. I don't think attention is an issue as they spend the majority of their time in their own space watching movies & he's been taking her out lately. I don't think telling her dad to keep her out of the rooms is a bad thing because that's our personal space. Just walking into someone else's room or being in someone else's room whether they're in there or not to me is a bit rude. I've never once gone into his bedroom when they're asleep so I would expect the same from them. Thank you
As soon as her dad comes back upstairs she runs to him practically in tears saying how my son was bothering her, he wouldn't leave her alone, she doesn't want him near her, & was going on about how he is always messing with her (not true because he doesn't really pay her much mind)
When she is up here I don't even say anything to her I just let her do her. She does whatever she wants & I don't pay her much mind unless it is necessary
Herein lies the problem people are reading in your posts, I think. Basically, this is a young child who no one is paying attention to. Her dad is asleep, your husband is asleep, you don't "pay her much mind unless you have to", and your son does the same (AND you encourage him to ignore her when you're not happy with the way she plays with him). I think the behavior you described with her and your son is 100% attention seeking, because she isn't getting enough. THAT would have been a good time to talk to the little girl right there with dad present. You could have explained to her that the two kids were having fun and playing nice together, and asked her what changed? Instead you told your son to basically ignore her. That's not going to go anywhere productive. The two kids are almost the same age, which should make them great playmates...but it doesn't sound as though the girl is getting ANY kind of attention from anyone, then add to that the adults trying to maintain quiet during waking hours, and certain areas of the house being off limits, not a very welcoming "homey" environment is it? There's not a THING wrong with certain rooms being off limits, but what the posters above were trying to tell you is that there seems to be more going on in this arrangement that are the bigger issues.
Personally, if it were me, I'd be annoyed too. You're basically left to be the babysitter, AND the quiet keeper, while pregnant and functioning on very little sleep yourself. The part you don't want to hear is that this little girl is kind of being ignored, what do you expect her to do? Like sm said, that's not HER problem, but rather a problem with the adults in the home not making it a kid-friendly environment for her. Do YOU have some role to play in that? Unfortunately, yes you do...even if you didn't agree to being the daytime caretaker, you are, and you've not said you won't be...so it's partly YOUR job at this point to make sure she's having her needs met. Just try to imagine for a second your son in that environment...with you not there. Be honest with yourself...it would probably really upset you to think that people were only tending to him on a bare minimal level.
It's really nothing to get offended about that the advice was that this is not a good living arrangement. I agree. NO ONE in the home is really benefitting from the situation, with the exception of having a roof over their heads. The little girl can't be happy, you're not real happy, the men probably aren't happy...it's just probably very uncomfortable, and a home shouldn't be uncomfy. For a week? Sure. For months? Not really.
I just can't see how limiting the little girl's access to those rooms is going to solve these problems, because it's not. You're still going to have the other bigger issues that you seem to be having a hard time acknowledging...the noise issue, and you're still going to be responsible for tending to her while the men sleep. And ...just paying her mind only when it's necessary isn't really fair to her. If you can try to leave your emotions out of your reaction to this advice, I think you'd agree. This little girl needs interaction, playtime, etc. I don't think you signed on for all of that, and I think you're resentful that it's falling in your lap. I don't blame you a bit, because I would be too....but then you need to get a little honest with yourself that keeping her out of certain rooms in the house isn't going to solve the issue.
Good luck to you.
When she is up here I don't even say anything to her I just let her do her. She does whatever she wants & I don't pay her much mind unless it is necessary
Herein lies the problem people are reading in your posts, I think. Basically, this is a young child who no one is paying attention to. Her dad is asleep, your husband is asleep, you don't "pay her much mind unless you have to", and your son does the same (AND you encourage him to ignore her when you're not happy with the way she plays with him). I think the behavior you described with her and your son is 100% attention seeking, because she isn't getting enough. THAT would have been a good time to talk to the little girl right there with dad present. You could have explained to her that the two kids were having fun and playing nice together, and asked her what changed? Instead you told your son to basically ignore her. That's not going to go anywhere productive. The two kids are almost the same age, which should make them great playmates...but it doesn't sound as though the girl is getting ANY kind of attention from anyone, then add to that the adults trying to maintain quiet during waking hours, and certain areas of the house being off limits, not a very welcoming "homey" environment is it? There's not a THING wrong with certain rooms being off limits, but what the posters above were trying to tell you is that there seems to be more going on in this arrangement that are the bigger issues.
Personally, if it were me, I'd be annoyed too. You're basically left to be the babysitter, AND the quiet keeper, while pregnant and functioning on very little sleep yourself. The part you don't want to hear is that this little girl is kind of being ignored, what do you expect her to do? Like sm said, that's not HER problem, but rather a problem with the adults in the home not making it a kid-friendly environment for her. Do YOU have some role to play in that? Unfortunately, yes you do...even if you didn't agree to being the daytime caretaker, you are, and you've not said you won't be...so it's partly YOUR job at this point to make sure she's having her needs met. Just try to imagine for a second your son in that environment...with you not there. Be honest with yourself...it would probably really upset you to think that people were only tending to him on a bare minimal level.
It's really nothing to get offended about that the advice was that this is not a good living arrangement. I agree. NO ONE in the home is really benefitting from the situation, with the exception of having a roof over their heads. The little girl can't be happy, you're not real happy, the men probably aren't happy...it's just probably very uncomfortable, and a home shouldn't be uncomfy. For a week? Sure. For months? Not really.
I just can't see how limiting the little girl's access to those rooms is going to solve these problems, because it's not. You're still going to have the other bigger issues that you seem to be having a hard time acknowledging...the noise issue, and you're still going to be responsible for tending to her while the men sleep. And ...just paying her mind only when it's necessary isn't really fair to her. If you can try to leave your emotions out of your reaction to this advice, I think you'd agree. This little girl needs interaction, playtime, etc. I don't think you signed on for all of that, and I think you're resentful that it's falling in your lap. I don't blame you a bit, because I would be too....but then you need to get a little honest with yourself that keeping her out of certain rooms in the house isn't going to solve the issue.
Good luck to you.
Anyways I do apologize for getting angry earlier as I said my hormones have been all over the place lately.
The situation is temporary as my husband told him before we moved in he could stay but that it wouldn't be a permanent situation. I know how it is to be living with other people as my son & I once lived with my mother for a few months 2 years ago. However, we had an agreement prior to us moving in & the only conflicts we had were during our menstruals lol. I guess I'm not used to being somewhere & having someone just come into my room. My son does it on occassion but he's learning the "knock first rule". When I was growing up we always had that rule where we wouldn't go into each other's rooms or that we would knock first before entering. I guess a combination of hormones, being close to my due date, & not being used to certain things is what has me on edge. Thanx
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