Divorced Parent Needs Help

[lovingmychildern]

I am a 26 year old female that is divorce to a 41 year old with a six year old boy. When my ex-husband and I divorced I handed him over primary custody of our son due to lack of a job, family support, and money. I requested for joint custody and I received that along with secondary parent and I believe that this was the best choice. Everything was great with me getting my son as visitation stated but as soon as the divorce was final my ex-husband decided to take off with our son, our divorce was finalized Feb 14, 2008. I saw my son for mother's day which was his birthday the same day, he had turned 3. This was three months after my divorce was finalized. I had tried calling my ex-husband over and over, sending emails, letters, stopping by the house that he said he lived at etc. with no answer to where our son was until the weekend of mother's day. I had my own place with a roommate in a nice gated community. My son and I had a great time, but when he went back to his father he disappeared again and this time it was until Easter of 2009 which was almost a full year. My son was turning four and I was moving from Florida to Maryland. During this time frame I continued to try and call, emails, letters, etc but never received a response and had no clue where my ex-husband had moved to. On my way to Maryland from Florida I prayed that my ex-husband would answer his phone and he did. i requested to pick up our son where ever he was and take him to Maryland with me for Easter. My ex-husband agreed and told me that he was in Jacksonville, NC. I think that my ex-husband was wanting a baby-sitter (which of course I just happened to call when he needed one). I stopped through and picked up my son and brought him to Maryland and had a great 2 weeks with him. During all this time my son had not lost his bond with me and remembered me every time he had saw me. After this visitation when I took him back my ex-husband once again refused to let me talk to my son. 2 months after moving to Maryland I met a wonderful man which is now my boyfriend. He found out that my ex-husband was purposefully keeping me away from my son and hired a lawyer for me. It has taken until June of this year 2011 (two years since I have seen, spoke, heard my son's voice) for us to get a court date in Jacksonville, NC. I had filed contempt charges on my ex-husband and the judge ruled in my favor. My six year old son is now here with me for the summer and I have makeup time through out this year on the holidays. The judge has told my ex that if he does this again he will go to jail and the custody arrangement will be reconsidered. The problems that I have now is that my son started calling my ex's girlfriend mommy. I explained to my son that he has only one mommy and that is me because I carried him in my tummy. I have however told him that if he wanted to he could call her mom or mommy (her name) but when he calls her mommy it hurts my feelings. He is now calling her mom but now he is comparing me to her in everything. I am not an ugly woman, I have been called very attractive by many men. My son however the other day told someone that his other mom was prettier than me, that she had a better car than me, made grill cheese in the microwave (which I don't) better than me. Everything I do he compares me to her. He has also starting to pitch these aweful fits where he screams at the top of his lungs when he does not get what he wants and stomps his feet, throws things, etc. for about 5 mins at a time. I do not like to spank and that is not an option with me so I am confused as to what I can do when he pitches these fits. What I have been doing is just sitting there not saying anything while he is throwing a fit and watching to make sure he does not hurt himself or something else. After the fit is over I will take him into my arms and hug him and explain to him that we do not act in this manner and I explain to him that it scares me when he does this along with having him explain to me what had made him so angry and what he could have done differently rather than throwing the fit. I also explain to him what options he has if he gets mad such as he can go to his room for HIS time without me there or he can use his words to explain to me why he is angry. I have also commended him of his behavior when he does do the right thing but the fits happen at least every other day. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 2 years ago and I go to therapy once a week and take my medications on a regular basis and I am what everyone calls normal now lol. Is it possible to have bi-polar at this age? My ex-husband and his girlfriend spank him when he is bad but I cannot bring myself to do this and I actually do not like them to spank either as I believe that it can bring out violent behaviors. Could he possibly just be testing my limits with this behavior? I want nothing but the best for my son and my therapist has been helping with the reintergration with me and my son. When my son throws his fits I just want to hug him and cry with him because it breaks my heart to see him that upset. I never want my son to have a bad life and I am trying my best as a mother. Could someone please give some advice on what I could do differently? No offense to parents that do spank as I believe that every parent is different in raising there kids but I do not want that to be an option as I would not be able to do it because it would just BREAK my heart.

Mother asking for help.

[lovingmychildern]

as I feel that it would not be fair to my son. However the judge as pointed out to my ex-husband that it is also bad for my son not to spend time with me and in the best interest of the child if he continues to act as he has then he would have no choice but to change the I custody. I appreciate the responses that I have received and I am glad to know that I am doing the right things. I am just afraid that I was not doing the right thing and I was confused that I may have been doing something wrong. I only have my son's best interest in mind and I will keep trying to do my best for what is best for him. Thanks everyone for the comments.

[lovingmychildern]

I honestly don't say anything bad about his step mom or his father. I did get a card from the store that said God has blessed me with you and I wrote in the card that I was very grateful for her helping to take care of our son. I never say anything bad about his dad and if he asks questions that could only possibly have a bad statement I change the subject so I don't have to answer it. I have a calendar up in his room that we mark off each day he is here with me so he knows when he will be going back home. The funny thing is today when I told him that he has another 12 days here he looked at me and said I don't want to go home mommy. I explained to him that his daddy loves him just as much as I do and that it is his turn to spend some time with him. I have on many occasions tried to be nice to my ex-husband even when he is rude and degrading me but to no avail he is still mean to me. I ignore it and just move on. I have not tried to change the custody

[specialmom]

Oh my goodness, what a nightmare.  I would be so devastated if my son were taken from me and I didn't have access to him.  I'm glad you found him and the courts are working with you.  

Listen, here is the reality.  Your son is living most of the time with a man that doesn't think your child needs to be with his mother much.  That really stinks.  But this is not your little boy's fault.  If you never saw him again, you would want him to have someone in his life that resembles a mother and he has a mother/son relationship with.  That is the woman your husband is  marrying.  That hurts, I know. But you WANT him to love this woman dearly and think of her as a mother.  He can have two moms, I promise.  Do not worry that he calls her mommy.  He didn't see you for very long stretches----------- she has been in his life as a caretaker.  Even if you do not like her ways, she has done that.  And she will continue to do that with consistency.

Do no say ANYTHING about how this man has treated you or the situation.  Just keep telling your boy how much you love him, am proud to be his mommy, glad he loves daddy and his other mommy, and want to spend as much time with him as you can.  That is it.

Don't try to change what happens in his home life (with dad) at this point.  I see this as touch and go and you need to establish a cordial relationship with your ex to make a better situation for your son.  I do believe you have every right to be livid and resentful.  But you have to put that aside for the sake of your future with your son and his happiness.  

Stay close to the courts, keep tabs on him, move to where he is if you can and make sure you are there whenever possible in his life.  Stay friendly with dad.  

Oh, and sadly, I agree with austin.  I think your son's behavior is very typical of a child in a new, confusing environment.  This is why I just can't say you should fight to become primary custodian of him at this time.  He has an established life.  You are------- and it pains me to say this---------  more of a stranger to him.  He is taken out of his usual life and plopped into yours.  This is disconcerting to a child.  No, I don't think he is bipolar or suffering mental problems.  Possibly emotional ones from the instability of what has happened between you and your ex.  Stay patient and calm with him and handle all issues with love.  You can set boundaries without punitive measures such as spanking------  be firm and clear and consistent.  Also, try reward and praise.  Works wonders with most 6 year olds.  
good luck and let us know what happens.  

[lovingmychildern]

Thank you for your reply. One thing I have not done is say anything bad about his father or soon to be step mother. He had asked me if his soon to be step mother was a part of our family and I said of course she is. He has asked me if I still love his daddy and I told him that I will always love his daddy and care for him, which led him to asking why then are you guys not still married? I had to avoid that question and change the subject because I did not know what to say:( However I have not saidhas anything bad about the other party because I do worry about how it would make my son feel and I never want to hurt his feelings. My son when I first saw him after winning in court that day, ran up to me and gave me a huge hug and said quote "Mommy I have had dreams about you". He did also ask me why I had not seen him for a long time and all I said was Mommy has always wanted to see you and I have always loved you. This is all I said on this subject but after I said that my son said well I heard daddy tell Mom one day when the phone rang that it's Rebecca just ignore it, I did not know what your name was mommy until just recently but when I asked to talk to you he would just ignore me, why would he ignore me mommy? I had nothing to say about this either because I just did not know what to say so I once again changed the subject. He has a lot of questions but a lot of them I just don't know what to say to him because I don't and WON'T say anything bad about the others or want my son to think bad things.

[AUSTIN431]

sounds like your son is having a perfectly normal reaction to being with his mom again after only seeing her a few times since he was 3 of course he's testing you and trying to hurt you (saying mean things and comparing you to your ex's gf) he waiting for you to crack and take him back home he doesn't understand that you fought to see him all this time only that you weren't there with him and i have to say a man who would keep a mother from her child for no reason most likely also said bad things about you to your son who knows what he might of said mommy doesn't want to see you thats why she doesn't come, mommy doesn't love you anymore happens way to often you have to let him work out his feelings while letting him know that you love him and will be there no matter what he says or does i know its not your fault but to him your the one to blame and i'm sorry to say only time will show him that he can trust you again and rebuild the relationship you once shared and don't talk bad about the dad and gf in front of him either its not the right thing to do no matter what your ex did to you plus hearing you talk bad about the people he loves and trusts will just make you the enemy to him just keep spending time with him i think your doing the right thing with the fits it'll be hard and it'll take work but eventually it'll get better