Fearful children

[gummbyk]

I have become a mother late in life (I am 49) my boyfriend/partner is my age and his two kids are 13 (girl) & 11 (boy).  Both the children are fearful and neither like to be alone.  The girl still wets her bed almost every night and the boy will not go upstairs alone.  He will not go to bed until the father goes to bed.  Ironically, they all love horror movies, which could contribute but I think it is something more...Partner works on computers late at night and so sometimes is up til 4 in the morning with the kid beside him.  Sometimes the boy will not go to bed alone at all and the father sleeps with him.  What is oddest is that neither the father nor the mother (living a few blocks away & sharing custody) seem compelled to work on it even though they are plenty involved in their children's life.  At first I was totally into helping the children work on the situation because when we talked together they desperately wanted to overcome these problems, but my intentions were not positively received so naturally, backed off.  It has been a year now and, as a Buddhist, I have learned acceptance but beyond that there is a growing unease that at the heart of the matter is something that I am missing.  Why would a father not be bothered by this and want to help empower his children and overcome this?  I would love some gut responses if there are any out there!  *appreciative smiles*

[AnnieBrooke]

My first sentence is confusingly said.  I meant, "that it is terrible for the kids if the parents ignore this situation."

[AnnieBrooke]

Someone needs to get through to the boyfriend and his ex wife that this it is terrible for the kids to ignore this situation.  If they don't listen to you, you should arrange for a family therapist to come talk with you, your boyfriend, and his ex.  Your job is to explain what you are seeing in non-judgmental terms and then to be quiet (or even leave), and then the therapist should be ready to explain to the parents of these kids that: 1) this is not a normal way to raise a 13-year-old and 11-year-old, 2) it should not be treated as just an alternative lifestyle or ignored, and 3) it is really bad for the kids, to let it continue.  You said you think there is something going on, my guess is that this is the way they gave in, years ago, on bedtime fights (the kind that begin at age 2 or 3, when a child simply does not want to go to bed at bedtime and puts up a fuss), and they have now let it slide so long that they don't want to face it.  But whatever reason it's happening, it needs to be addressed.

[RockRose]

gummby  what you are describing is very very unusual.

A 13 year old girl who wets the bed almost every night needs medical help.  Who knows why this is still happening,  she needs medical intervention to help her control her bladder during the night,  or a strategy to set her alarm clock so she can empty her bladder in the middle of the night and not pee her mattress.  It's very hard to tell what's going on in that situation.

An 11 year old boy who is up until 4 a.m.  waiting for his dad to go to bed is living an odd lifestyle.  He needs to be in bed around 9 or so,  so he gets enough sleep to function in school.  He can't possibly function as a student if he is going to bed at 4 a.m.

"Acceptance" of child neglect isn't necessarily a good thing,  and I don't believe Buddhism teaches turning a blind eye to child neglect.  

You are right to bring these concerns to this forum - I know you don't have any kids so it's probably hard for you to know how neglectful this situation truly is - but it's good that you are asking for help.

Best wishes.