How long should I let my babies cry?

[tinker725]

I am the the mother of 11 month old twins.  When I try to put them down one goes right to bed and the other cries.  I allway end up going to get her so she dont wake the other.  But I am starting to worry if I keep this up she will never go to bed when she is susposed to.  I know she is tired but she just wont give in.

[margypops]

PS have you tried separating them as that may solve it if one is keeping the other awake , because they are twins they don't have to always be together

[margypops]

My opinion is that some' crying doesnt hurt the child but if it is really upset I think other methods could be applied .and crying it it is not a good option.. I think the family bed works better .when it comes down to it its up to you to try any method that may work .none are right none are wrong do not be lead by any who think they know best than you the mom, go with your gut... we all have opinions the way we bring up children ...

[Ashelen]

Didn't take the decision lightly? girl you fought it for MONTHS. I was wondering when you would mentally crack because you were getting so little sleep!!!

And I say this with the utmost love and affection, LOL.

Anyone who calls you cruel has no idea how completely against the cry-it-out method you were...and how completely devoted to gently raising and lovingly teaching your son. Some kids just need a little tough love. Crying-it-out CAN be done cruelly...but of all the moms I've given counsel about using that method, you're the last one I'd worry about doing it in a cruel way. Now...one of our girls who locked her child in a closet to cry it out. Yeah, ok, we had some words. But you? never.

Don't let it phase you...those of us who know you, know how important it's been for you to be gentle with Ryder and how kind you've been and how PATIENT with all the months of sleeplessness.

[adgal]

We have the night light and we do play music for him.  He has a stuffed dog that plays nightime music when you push his paw and Ryder turns it on himself all the time.  He hasn't had a pacifier in well over a year now.  We haven't tried a weighted blanket.  Any sort of stimulation at all will keep him awake.  For example, he is not a kid who will fall asleep in the living room with the tv on or even if we are just sitting there.  That's why co sleeping doesn't work or me just staying in his room.  Our presence or a tv on and he immediately wants to play.  He is a very active and curious child.  Great qualities and I love them in him and encourage it, but he is just that kid that doesn't sleep.  He goes down at night just fine.  The problem is he treats bedtime like nap time and as soon as he wakes up, instead of falling back asleep, he wants up.  Honestly, we have literally tried it all.  I have posted countless times here about the situation looking for suggestions, and have taken every one of them to heart as for the most part, I have a great deal of respect for the other moms here.  But nothing works except pulling him in with us.  Now that doesn't work either.  And yes, there are bad experts, but there are good ones as well.  I work for a non profit agency and alot of what we do is dealing with neglected and abused children, so we have more then one child psychologist on staff.  I have talked to them about this on many occasions.  We finally came to the conclusion he is just one of those kids.  And honestly, its working.  He is on night 7 in his own bed now and only waking up once for a few minutes instead of several times and often for literally hours.  In every other way he is a secure healthy kid who gets a tonne of attention from both parents.  He is not yelled at or hit.  There are no big marital issues that he is witnessing.  I say this because I know sometimes sleeping issues can be caused by problems in his home life.  This just isn't the case here.  He just isn't a good sleeper and never has been.

I know you didn't call me cruel.  I took exception to the comment that the crying it out method is cruel.  It's not, and I'm not.  Trust me, he is not suffering, nor is he allowed to just lie there and scream.  That's not how it works. It's helping him learn to self soothe...something all of us have to learn, and it's healthy for him if done properly.  I didn't make the decision lightly, and I did my homework before using it.

[skepticalpeach]

Hmmm, besides co-sleeping I would suggest putting a nightlight in the room or playing soft music all night long. Some people need white noise to be able to sleep. I know that some experts recommend against it, but having a small tv play Mister Rogers at night when needed has worked like a charm for us. We also never took away her pacifier, but she's only allowed to use it at night. And, have you considered buying him a weighted blanket? I think that extra pressure helps keep them asleep and is very relaxing.

FWIW, I don't think you are cruel. Generally speaking I don't like just letting a kid cry, but you have to go with your gut in each situation. I don't run in my DD's room the second I hear her because sometimes she goes back to sleep on her own. When she was younger she was actually scared to sleep alone so I didn't make her. And eventually she grew out of it. So, it sounds like you have good intentions.

[adgal]

I am not suggesting just shutting the door and letting them scream for hours.  That's not how crying it out is recommended, at least not by anyone I have ever talked to.  When we did it, we went in when he started to cry.  I sat next to him, rubbed his back and told him we loved him and would see him in the morning.  We just didn't take him out of his crib or turn on lights.  Once he settled, we would leave and wait 10 minutes.  If he was still upset, repeat.  He still wakes up once every night and I have to do this, but now I wait 5 minutes or so before going in and in the last week he has gone back to sleep in that time frame.  It is the only thing that has worked. It's much like Ashelens way of doing it, except that if I stay in the room then he stays awake, so I leave after a few minutes.  

The problem for us with co sleeping is that he doesn't get any sleep either.  So now we have a super overtired baby, and that is not healthy for him either.

I am always open to other good suggestions?  Beyond co sleeping.  We tried it for several months and it is not a good solution for us.  He just doesn't sleep, and we don't either.

No, I don't believe you can spoil an infant.  But children have their own personalities and we have to adjust to them.  Sorry if I seem irritated, but I think that to call me cruel based on the tiny bit of information provided is pretty inappropriate.  This has worked, my child is happy and healthy, and I am pretty much the furthest thing from cruel imaginable.  

[skepticalpeach]

I can't believe that someone told you that! That's horrible. I was told the opposite by the nurses at the hospital and the pediatrician. In fact, I was told it is impossible to spoil an infant. I still live by that.

Sleeping by yourself can be scary, I know some adults who are more comfortable sleeping next to someone or with the tv on. On the other hand, when my daughter cries in timeout I just let her cry. She's also 5 now and can handle a short timeout by herself; but when she was younger I was barely willing to do that.

[Ashelen]

There's a huge difference between leaving a baby to scream in terror and loneliness, and letting a baby cry to learn to self soothe. Let's not paint all scenarios with the same brush.

I don't really support the cry-it-out method in it's "basic" form, but I used a modified version with both of my babies to great success and it was far from cruel. I never leave my babies ALONE to cry-it-out...I always sat by their bed and touched them and reassured them with my presence, but I never picked them up or talked to them other than to tell them that I loved them and that they were safe.

Both of my babies are happy and well-adjusted and suffer no phobias or anxieties about being alone.

i will NEVER tell someone to put a baby in a room, walk out and shut the door, and ignore the crying. I don't agree with that. But if your baby is crying because they're tired and fussy and not getting what they want...it's OK for them to cry.

[allmymarbles]

Just because someone is an "expert" does not mean he is wise, or empathic or kind. I once got some really horrid advice from an "expert." She said to avoid spoiling an infant, play with him when he is happy and in a good mood. Don't soothe him when he is being fussy or difficult. In other words, disturb him when he is examining his toes and ignore him when he needs comfort. I call that perverted.

[adgal]

I was a huge anti crying it out mom as well.  Trust me, I only adopted this method after the advice of professionals.  It's not healthy for babies to not get enough sleep, and in our case, that is what was happening. There just isn't a one size fits all solution as all children are different.  For us, it was the only solution left.  Co sleeping doesn't work when neither the child involved nor the parents get any sleep that way.  I think you have to be in the situation.  Sure taught me not to judge unless I've walked in someone's shoes.

[allmymarbles]

I never let babies cry. I think it is cruel.

[skepticalpeach]

Personally, I really don't like the "just let them cry" approach. I think it's more important that everyone gets enough sleep than to force them to sleep by themselves. Try encouraging them to sleep by themselves every once in a while, but not every night. They'll figure it out eventually. No rush though. My DD slept next to me almost every night for a long time and then just randomly started sleeping in her own bed. I think most kids grow out of it.

[adgal]

Ashlen gives excellent advice, and I just would like to elaborate on a comment you made about worrying that she will never go to bed when she is supposed to.

I am the mom of a 21 year old bad sleeper. Always has been, and I have tried it all. I have spoken to both my Pediatrician and a Child therapist.  They tell me that some children just don't easily learn to self sooth.  So it does come down to sort of forcing the issue. If you are able to do as Ashelen suggested, I would consider letting the one cry it out a bit.  I have been assured that it does no damage to them, and long term you are actually doing them a favor.  You don't want to continue to allow this to go on.  In my case I know have a toddler who is overtired a great deal of the time, and exhausted parents as well.  Things have finally gotten significantly better in the last week, but I sure wish we had addressed this sooner.  Best of luck to you.

[Ashelen]

Do you have them in the same room? Most people put twins in the same room because it's convenient and as they grow older it will be fun for them, but sometimes if you're struggling with sleeping issues it's a good idea to move one into another room until the sleeping issues have been solved. Perhaps put one in the twins' room, and one in your room, and switch off every night who sleeps where...not ideal, but if you can separate them so they don't wake each other (until solid sleeping habits are established) I think you'll find it goes more smoothly.