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Tyrannical 3 year old stepson, HELP!
My boyfriend and I live together and are questioning marriage. I have a six year old son who from time to time has a problem listening but all around is an extremely well behaved boy. My stepson on the other hand is three and stays with us %75 of the time. He is a very angry boy. He throws tantrums when his mom comes to pick him up, "no mommy! Please no mommy, I want you! " he screams as his father struggles to get him into his ex wifes car. It's a rough situation and I understand the want to take it easy on the boy when he's here because of how horrible his mother is but this child gets away with everything here! My son catches a lot of crap when my stepson does something wrong as well. Every now and then my boyfriend gets irritated with his son and jumps down my sons neck instead of his own. I know my man expects more from the six year old but the three year old has learned he can get away with anything here. Sometimes we catch ourselves getting on to our own kids because the other parent thinks we should. TMy stepson needs help, I'm willing to be there for him but this constant strain for control has me leaning towards hating the kid. All is perfect when it's just my boy and boyfriend, but when my stepson steps into our house we all loose our minds! What should I do? I love my man and want us to be able to relax with our family as a unit, a team, and safe haven for us all but what are we to do with this three year old?
I really do appreciate your comments and time and effort you've put into them. It's a bumpy road here from time to time but in the end it all boils down to being worth the travel. It's so hard getting use to change and given the fact that children are constantly changing due to growth its a more complicated change altogether. I'll try the hand paint thing, that sounds like a wonderful idea! Thank you so much!
Well, the key with fits is to catch them before they get to the full blown tantrum stage including screaming and biting. I can usually see it happening a bit and that is when you change courses. Redirect is a good method for a 3 year old. It's hard because even though you say your 6 year old is good and all, they are little kids too and the unpredicability of two kids together can set things off. In all seriousness, I have two boys that are 7 and 8 and they do things to each other that they would NEVER do to someone else. And it can happen quick. Comes with being brothers, I've determined. They love each other but get mad/irritated with one another.
So, you work on things during the happy, calm moments. :>) With a three year old, you know they have immature skills in handling emotions. This little boy is just reacting. The goal is to help him think a bit about it and choose another way of handling it. I would go to the library and get books on emotions that they write for kid. There are tons of them. These are excellent because they give kids language that they can understand about how they feel or how someone else feels. You can play games in which you act out emotions and he has to guess what they are. he can then act them out and you guess. Believe it or not, this really helps and if he can learn to express how he is feeling and what is wrong with his words, that is great. Many three year olds have trouble with this and you have to help them along.
Then you can talk about what he CAN do when mad, sad, frustrated, etc. He can go to a cool down spot (many kids really do well with this, it is a small, tight spot like a pop up tent, under a table, or in a corner with pillows or bean bag chair) where no one talks to him and he tries to calm down, he can use helping hands (have him use finger paint and make hand prints on a piece of big paper, write his name and hang it at his level on the wall--- have your 6 year old do it too and then when upset, you say "go use your helping hands" and he goes and pushes hard against them. This is a nervous system release and is calming), he can take deep breaths, open and close his hands tightly, give himself a hug, and most of all, use his words to express what is wrong so he can get "HELP" (key word).
Then talk about what he can't do. Biting, hitting (good book "hands are not for hitting" that drives home this point), or anything physical is not allowed. Zero tolerance for this behavior and it results in an automatic time out or loss of key item he loves. No long discussions with him about it, that is just it. Quietly enforce this zero tolerance on physical outbursts. If he is screaming, tell him that you can't understand him when he screams and you will talk to him as soon as he uses his talking voice. When he calms down, praise him and give him your full attention.
At the slightest improvement or effort on his part, praise praise praise. Make a big deal out of the smallest thing that he does right so he will like that feeling of being a 'good boy'. He'll also get the idea of what is good in order to handle being upset and what isn't allowed.
Also, don't forget to give him lots and lots of choices. Choices really help a more difficult child get on board and comply because it gives them a bit of control over things. Really key for a child that goes between two houses as that creates a bit of an unstable feeling. Having a bit of control will help his behavior. You control the choices, so you have ultimate control . . . but lots and lots of little choices about everything.
I'm glad your man is open minded and will sit and talk with you. Arm yourself with some loving ideas to help the situation and he may go along with you. peace and luck
So, you work on things during the happy, calm moments. :>) With a three year old, you know they have immature skills in handling emotions. This little boy is just reacting. The goal is to help him think a bit about it and choose another way of handling it. I would go to the library and get books on emotions that they write for kid. There are tons of them. These are excellent because they give kids language that they can understand about how they feel or how someone else feels. You can play games in which you act out emotions and he has to guess what they are. he can then act them out and you guess. Believe it or not, this really helps and if he can learn to express how he is feeling and what is wrong with his words, that is great. Many three year olds have trouble with this and you have to help them along.
Then you can talk about what he CAN do when mad, sad, frustrated, etc. He can go to a cool down spot (many kids really do well with this, it is a small, tight spot like a pop up tent, under a table, or in a corner with pillows or bean bag chair) where no one talks to him and he tries to calm down, he can use helping hands (have him use finger paint and make hand prints on a piece of big paper, write his name and hang it at his level on the wall--- have your 6 year old do it too and then when upset, you say "go use your helping hands" and he goes and pushes hard against them. This is a nervous system release and is calming), he can take deep breaths, open and close his hands tightly, give himself a hug, and most of all, use his words to express what is wrong so he can get "HELP" (key word).
Then talk about what he can't do. Biting, hitting (good book "hands are not for hitting" that drives home this point), or anything physical is not allowed. Zero tolerance for this behavior and it results in an automatic time out or loss of key item he loves. No long discussions with him about it, that is just it. Quietly enforce this zero tolerance on physical outbursts. If he is screaming, tell him that you can't understand him when he screams and you will talk to him as soon as he uses his talking voice. When he calms down, praise him and give him your full attention.
At the slightest improvement or effort on his part, praise praise praise. Make a big deal out of the smallest thing that he does right so he will like that feeling of being a 'good boy'. He'll also get the idea of what is good in order to handle being upset and what isn't allowed.
Also, don't forget to give him lots and lots of choices. Choices really help a more difficult child get on board and comply because it gives them a bit of control over things. Really key for a child that goes between two houses as that creates a bit of an unstable feeling. Having a bit of control will help his behavior. You control the choices, so you have ultimate control . . . but lots and lots of little choices about everything.
I'm glad your man is open minded and will sit and talk with you. Arm yourself with some loving ideas to help the situation and he may go along with you. peace and luck
Thank you so much. It has been pretty rough on us both, but the one thing I know I can count on is a good sit down with my man. He's good at these sort of things. It is a touchy subject, I understand, but I'm sure he will too. Once we gain a little control here things will feel less stressful. On the other hand, the three year old has started biting along with his hitting and throwing things. Sometimes the boy throws fits so wildly one would think he needed a doctor. It scares me when he starts hitting and biting my six year old. Even if he isn't made at him, he gets upset and hits my son for no reason then laughs. I know my boyfriend is a typical man and won't see the severity in it until he sees it happen himself or has the toddler hit or bite him. Is there by any chance a way of settling him down once he goes mad and starts throwing fits?
I just wanted to say as well, if you'd like to list some of the behaviors or things the boy is doing that you'd like to see stop, that might be a good idea. Then when you talk to your boyfriend, you could have some strategies (besides all the ones you know that worked for your own child) to see if he will agree with you to help his cihld develop good behavior. Lots of people on this forum have great ideas and can help problem solve if you like.
Oh goodness, sounds rough. Well, first and foremost, you can't continue a relationship with someone that has a 3 year old 75% of the time that you hate. So, I would do your very best to NOT hate him so that this relationship stands a chance.
I would have a sit down with your boyfriend about things. BUT, I'd be really careful to make it a calm discussion instead of any type of confrontation. Your best approach would be to tell him that you accept that he comes as a package deal and if you two are together (you and he) that you will play an important role with his child. Then talk about things like you realize he's had great instability and three year olds show that through behavior. That you want him to feel safe and loved in the home. (no mention of inner loathing you are trying to get over). Then say that you'd like to work on a parenting strategy with him for your boy and his boy (that will be slightly different due to their ages) that you both feel would be good for the kids. Pick some things that he is getting away with that you want stopped and then talk about how the two of you can handle that. Then you can mention some of the things your boy does (hey, they are all kids and can do the wrong thing here and there, I'm sure you can think of a few things OR you can move onto ways to build his character like helping around the house with things like feeding the dog, taking out his trash, etc.) that you'd like to work on. Just calmly talk about how you want the hosue to be and what you'd like to teach the kids in terms of how to behave. Keep away from any discussion that his boy is out of control in your opinion and that he seems to favor his child. (which he may as that is hard to shake for a lot of people).
I would try this approach and see how it goes.
I really believe this is your best bet to get on the same page with him regarding parenting in your house. Three year olds are super tough in my opinion and I found 4 even harder. Maybe your boy was easier than a lot of them (lucky you!!) but my two boys challenged my goal of not going insane as a mother many times at 3 and 4. Some of this really may be normal testing of boundaries. So, lovingly set the boundaries firmly.
Things that often work with that age are natural consequences. Throw a toy, lose a toy. Scream, oh, I can't understand you until you use your talking voice and ignore them until they do. But you and your partner will need to be on the SAME page and be consistent.
Key words to use with him is that you want to be on the same TEAM with him. Lots of luck. I hope it works out for you. Peace
I would have a sit down with your boyfriend about things. BUT, I'd be really careful to make it a calm discussion instead of any type of confrontation. Your best approach would be to tell him that you accept that he comes as a package deal and if you two are together (you and he) that you will play an important role with his child. Then talk about things like you realize he's had great instability and three year olds show that through behavior. That you want him to feel safe and loved in the home. (no mention of inner loathing you are trying to get over). Then say that you'd like to work on a parenting strategy with him for your boy and his boy (that will be slightly different due to their ages) that you both feel would be good for the kids. Pick some things that he is getting away with that you want stopped and then talk about how the two of you can handle that. Then you can mention some of the things your boy does (hey, they are all kids and can do the wrong thing here and there, I'm sure you can think of a few things OR you can move onto ways to build his character like helping around the house with things like feeding the dog, taking out his trash, etc.) that you'd like to work on. Just calmly talk about how you want the hosue to be and what you'd like to teach the kids in terms of how to behave. Keep away from any discussion that his boy is out of control in your opinion and that he seems to favor his child. (which he may as that is hard to shake for a lot of people).
I would try this approach and see how it goes.
I really believe this is your best bet to get on the same page with him regarding parenting in your house. Three year olds are super tough in my opinion and I found 4 even harder. Maybe your boy was easier than a lot of them (lucky you!!) but my two boys challenged my goal of not going insane as a mother many times at 3 and 4. Some of this really may be normal testing of boundaries. So, lovingly set the boundaries firmly.
Things that often work with that age are natural consequences. Throw a toy, lose a toy. Scream, oh, I can't understand you until you use your talking voice and ignore them until they do. But you and your partner will need to be on the SAME page and be consistent.
Key words to use with him is that you want to be on the same TEAM with him. Lots of luck. I hope it works out for you. Peace
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