Help..My child wont listen in school or home!

[LP09]

This is been a progressive problem since 1st grade. My daughter is a chatterbox.  It was not until recently that it is affecting her academically.  I have been emailing with the teacher weekly, then daily, taking away privileges at home like the phone, or the tv, or play dates.  I just met with her teacher this morning and now she is falling behind in Math and the teacher is saying part of the reason is her not paying attention. She is either talking, turned around, in her desk, or a pencil box, or doodling, or looking out side but for the most part not listening.  I am now not letting her go to soccer today plus she may have to go to summer school and no fun summer camp because she did not score high enough on the math section of her MAP tests.  1) I blame myself because I am a single mom, working full time with two kids, and obtaining my bachelors degree so at 10 pm every night I start my homework. So maybe I am not spending enough time at home with her on the math skills 2) I blame the teacher for not letting me know about the math problem earlier, not trying to give her extra help or just involve me more. It is like she was trying to make a point that the talking is the problem.  
I don’t know what to do anymore. Taking everything away..will it really help or am I making things worse. I have tried "earning" privileges by behaving well.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  The same thing happens at home where I ask her to stop 3, 4, 5 times and before I know it I am yelling because she won't stop.  
The teacher even said "it is not like she has a learning disability she just won't listen unless she wants to which is rare."  She is only 8 and I am truly worried that this will just get worse if I dont figure out a way to correct it now.

[babygirl6152]

soccer shocker- What a good mom you are-
let me just add one more small thing- the fact that she was shocked is really a good thing- but deep down she is soooo glad you spent the time to think this through and follow up- I am not saying you don't give her attention - I am saying with you all having such a busy schedule you are showing her-
"YOU are important to me and I know you can do better and I will work with you to improve." Kiddos with busy family really do want this sort of consistency and rules whether they admit it or not.

.....way to end on a positive note- the journal- I like it

[LP09]

Thank you so much for your feedback.  I agree that consistency is hardest obstacle with me and it is more of a convenience thing.  We all as parents have to make sacrifices and this is just one of them. I did not let her go to soccer last night and she was shocked. I reminded her how I said that she may not attend depending on how the teacher conference went and then I followed through. She immediately felt like she let her team down and I agreed but told her that she is letting herself down the most.  I also gave her a journal to write in this morning and asked her to write one sentence in the middle of the day and at the end of the day telling me how she felt she made good choices during school.  

Thank you so much for your comments and I will follow through!

[Ravare]

Yup babygirl pretty much wrote what I was going to say. My 6 year old stepson talks back, doesnt listen and gets in trouble for the same things at school and with my wife.

However it doesnt happen with me, why? Well its because he gets one warning from me and that is it. He knows that if I tell him either to do something or to stop doing something, I mean it.

You dont have to be mean or yell or anything, a strong firm voice is all it should take. If you want your daughter to do something, call her over, make her stand in front of you and look at you while you are talking to her, then tell her what you need to tell her while continuing to look at her. Ask her if she understands and to repeat what you said.

As long as she doesnt have any mental issues, she is old enough to comprehend that her mother gave her instructions.

But if you continue to remind or warn her 3-6 times, then all she will continue to do is string you along because she knows she has a bit of free will to do what she wants. That may be why she is being less attentive at school and always talking or doing something else, its because there is no sense of urgency.

My stepson is the same way, been doing the same stuff for at least a year and a half. All his teachers have been the "passive nice" type. He takes advantage of them. My wife warns him like 4-5 times before she does something and it isnt even what she warned him about, so he knows what she tells him isnt always concrete. With me, I rarely have to repeat myself, and when I ask him if he understands me he says "Yes Sir" yet with his mom its always crying and throwing a fit. He had one teacher briefly who I would admit looked mean.......but he sure as hell never got a bad report from her because she put him in check on the very first day of class and said she wasnt having it.


Dont get me wrong, you are in no way a bad mother. You are a single working mother who is attending school so you have alot of challenges. Just try being consistent and mean what you say the first time. The kids will throw a fit most likely and try and manipulate you into caving in, but dont, stay firm and collected. It will take some time for things to turn around so dont give up

[babygirl6152]

as hard as this may sound- you may think you are being kind by giving your daighter 4,5, 6 reminders. And you should not have to yell. Forget threatening her with taking privileges.

Try THIS:

example: Look her straight in the eye and say "pick up your toys and we will eat dinner." Ask her repeat back to you what you just said-----

she chooses not to listen
SAY NOTHING- let her think she doesn't have to pick up her toys and she doesn't have to listen.  

After dinner put her in bed and tell her she is missing her hour of playtime tonite- (or dessert or whatever she loves!) since she refused to obey when she was first told to do XYZ- when she says please let me get out of bed and pick up my toys you will be tempted to give in..... She knew what you said before supper and chose to disobey you- tell her you want her to obey the first time asked and "we'll try again tomorrow" Let her know you are serious and that "good things happen to those who obey"/ There should never be any screaming this way - she may scream and it will be a way to manipulate you.. these first few times she sees you are serious she won't even know what you will be taking away it will just be whatever you choose- and please don't think you are mean- you are just out manipulating her......
by the way use it with teacher disobedience too- ONE time in a week that girl doesn't listen she should lose some reward from you- remind her when she is disobeying her teacher she disobeys YOU