Aa
How do I control my anger.
I am a wife and mother of three children. My children ages are 2, 4 and 7. I was always proud of myself, thinking I handled everything about parenting so well. Even when my son would create wall murals using his own feces as a substitute for paint, I still managed to keep my cool and laugh about it later. I think the reason for keeping such a calm attitude was due to the fact that I was a working mom. I yearned for the time to be home and be with my little mooshka's. Well, all of my wishes came true and now we can afford for me to be a stay at home mother. However, now that I am home I never seem to feel that proud feeling anymore. In fact, I am not calm anymore either. I have become a screamer. It has been a year and a half since I have been a stay at home mom and I feel that the yelling is getting worse. I can handle fits, fighting and messes. The thing that gets me yelling is when my kids say "I don't know" or decide not to do what I ask. They only seem to do what I ask when my voice gets louder and louder. I hate myself when I yell at my kids and I will take any advice that anyone can give.
Thanks for reading
Thanks for reading
Hi! I too am a stay at home mom and it isn't always an easy gig, is it? Frankly, working was a lot easier for me than what it takes to be at home. I commend you for making the choice to be with your kids and while you have your "moments"------- it will pay of in the end.
I agree whole heartedly that moms at home need time to recharge their batteries. I'd look into something called "mother's helpers". I loved these. This would be a girl or boy that is about 11 or 12 that you wouldn't necessarily leave your kids with as a full babysitter--------- but they come over and PLAY with the kiddos while you are home doing something else. It's about 2 or 3 dollars an hour and I'd sign them up for a couple of hours at a time. Then you disappear somewhere else in the house. Take a bath, read a book, fold some laundry. I'm a big fan of these helpers and with summer coming----------- I think this would be really helpful for you.
I also think enlisting help of the true babysitter sort is a good idea. College students home for the summer or if you have a school close to you where you can have a sitter come for maybe 3 or 4 hours is wonderful. I think one time I went and drove my car to a parking lot and took a nap when my kids were tiny! But usually I ran errands, exercised, etc. and had this type of sitter on a routine basis once a week. It helped! I have no family to help so I needed that little break. So either enlist the free help of family or hire yourself some true sitters and take a real break.
Husband. Just because you stay at home does not mean that you are in charge 24/7. I made this clear to my dear husband! So on the weekends, my husband can take the kids OUT to do something. I loved this because then I could clean in peace at home or whatever! He'd be at the park with the kiddos and I'd be recharging my batteries. Our routine after dinner is he plays with the kids while I clean up. While cleaning up doesn't sound all that fun----------- it is kid free time. When it is nice, they can go in the back yard and it REALLY feels like free time. And of course, if he hasn't taken the kids somewhere over the weekend, you get the old car keys and tell him you have some errands and "you'll be back"-------- and go for a bit. These little outings are necessary to get away here and there.
Your 7 year old can do reciprocal play dates now. He goes to their house and the next time they go to your house. This is great either way because the 7 year old is entertained or not there so you have less to deal with for a couple of hours.
For controlling yourself, this is hard. Couple of goofy tricks that my friends and I talked about ----------- okay. You are losing your temper, right? Usually you feel it building a little. Well, pretend that a tv camera is in the room video taping you. EEEEKKKK!!! Who would want the whole world to see that. So act like people are watching. And if that doesn't work, open the window. ALL your neighbors will hear you yelling. How embarressing. So it is a deterrent from doing it. A trick that really works to stop yelling as well is to push your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Can't yell that way.
If you have to, say nothing. Stay calm. Remember, when you escalate, they will. Then it just gets worse. Walk away for a second. And when you do yell, apologize to them. An important step when we parents do the wrong thing.
Join a mother's group such as MOPS (if you need info on that, let me know. It's in just about every city). Other moms just like you feel the same way and it is great to have support.
Okay, you can do this. Good luck!
I agree whole heartedly that moms at home need time to recharge their batteries. I'd look into something called "mother's helpers". I loved these. This would be a girl or boy that is about 11 or 12 that you wouldn't necessarily leave your kids with as a full babysitter--------- but they come over and PLAY with the kiddos while you are home doing something else. It's about 2 or 3 dollars an hour and I'd sign them up for a couple of hours at a time. Then you disappear somewhere else in the house. Take a bath, read a book, fold some laundry. I'm a big fan of these helpers and with summer coming----------- I think this would be really helpful for you.
I also think enlisting help of the true babysitter sort is a good idea. College students home for the summer or if you have a school close to you where you can have a sitter come for maybe 3 or 4 hours is wonderful. I think one time I went and drove my car to a parking lot and took a nap when my kids were tiny! But usually I ran errands, exercised, etc. and had this type of sitter on a routine basis once a week. It helped! I have no family to help so I needed that little break. So either enlist the free help of family or hire yourself some true sitters and take a real break.
Husband. Just because you stay at home does not mean that you are in charge 24/7. I made this clear to my dear husband! So on the weekends, my husband can take the kids OUT to do something. I loved this because then I could clean in peace at home or whatever! He'd be at the park with the kiddos and I'd be recharging my batteries. Our routine after dinner is he plays with the kids while I clean up. While cleaning up doesn't sound all that fun----------- it is kid free time. When it is nice, they can go in the back yard and it REALLY feels like free time. And of course, if he hasn't taken the kids somewhere over the weekend, you get the old car keys and tell him you have some errands and "you'll be back"-------- and go for a bit. These little outings are necessary to get away here and there.
Your 7 year old can do reciprocal play dates now. He goes to their house and the next time they go to your house. This is great either way because the 7 year old is entertained or not there so you have less to deal with for a couple of hours.
For controlling yourself, this is hard. Couple of goofy tricks that my friends and I talked about ----------- okay. You are losing your temper, right? Usually you feel it building a little. Well, pretend that a tv camera is in the room video taping you. EEEEKKKK!!! Who would want the whole world to see that. So act like people are watching. And if that doesn't work, open the window. ALL your neighbors will hear you yelling. How embarressing. So it is a deterrent from doing it. A trick that really works to stop yelling as well is to push your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Can't yell that way.
If you have to, say nothing. Stay calm. Remember, when you escalate, they will. Then it just gets worse. Walk away for a second. And when you do yell, apologize to them. An important step when we parents do the wrong thing.
Join a mother's group such as MOPS (if you need info on that, let me know. It's in just about every city). Other moms just like you feel the same way and it is great to have support.
Okay, you can do this. Good luck!
I think sudden anger comes from feeling stuck (in the caregiver role at every moment of every day), and either a job or a nanny could ease the feeling. Neither job nor nanny would have to be full-time, but even a short time away every day can help someone regain their equilibrium. When an adult is taking care of aging parents, it is considered important to get them "respite care" every now and then -- i.e., giving them a break from 100% responsibility 24/7 for taking care of someone else. It only makes sense that if it's important for adults taking care of aged parents, it would be at least as strongly needed by parents of kids.
Sandman2 has a good answer there because you do not want to go back to work feeling a failure as a mother but what Sandman says is all true.
Thinking outside the box. - Why not hire a Nanny with experience to help you out and to help the domestic situation to come under control whilst you learn how to get on top of things. Keep her only for 2-3 months.
Knowing you have a timeline helps you to focus your energy on the important things of improving your discipline skills and knowledge.
Maybe then when you will feel that you have everything under control you may still feel better in a working environment then go back to work. But you may then feel you are happier at home. Your decision will be based on knowledge not on emotion.
All the best
Thinking outside the box. - Why not hire a Nanny with experience to help you out and to help the domestic situation to come under control whilst you learn how to get on top of things. Keep her only for 2-3 months.
Knowing you have a timeline helps you to focus your energy on the important things of improving your discipline skills and knowledge.
Maybe then when you will feel that you have everything under control you may still feel better in a working environment then go back to work. But you may then feel you are happier at home. Your decision will be based on knowledge not on emotion.
All the best
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, the above is true, but nobody bothered to mention what to do if you stay at home. Hey, working with a 2 and 4 year old is crazy time. I was always impressed with my kindergarten and first grade teachers because that 5/6 year old age group (especially boys) were just nuts to handle. However, they managed 25 or so kids very well because they were experienced, knew what to expect, and also had reasonable expectations.
Frankly, it would take a small book to tell you what to do.
But a few ideas. Typically, the big mistake is you ask, ask, ask and the kids ignore, ignore, ignore and then you blow up. There are some things that you only ask once. You've gotta figure out the important things and work on those first. Pick one thing. If its not done, then its a time out. All consequences have to be (at this age) immediate, constant, and short. It can take about 3 weeks of this to effect a behavioral change. Please realize that you must have different expectations for the 2 year old than the 4 year old. And that both of these children want your attention and will compete for it.
I recommend that you get, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark. Its a great book on effectively using the timeout system. Also there are some great books aimed at the 4-7 year old child that are meant to be read aloud to them. They are in the Learning to get along series and have titles like "Share and take turns." Check them out here,
http://www.amazon.com/Share-Take-Turns-Learning-Along/dp/1575421240/ref=pd_sim_b_4
Hope this helps.
Frankly, it would take a small book to tell you what to do.
But a few ideas. Typically, the big mistake is you ask, ask, ask and the kids ignore, ignore, ignore and then you blow up. There are some things that you only ask once. You've gotta figure out the important things and work on those first. Pick one thing. If its not done, then its a time out. All consequences have to be (at this age) immediate, constant, and short. It can take about 3 weeks of this to effect a behavioral change. Please realize that you must have different expectations for the 2 year old than the 4 year old. And that both of these children want your attention and will compete for it.
I recommend that you get, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark. Its a great book on effectively using the timeout system. Also there are some great books aimed at the 4-7 year old child that are meant to be read aloud to them. They are in the Learning to get along series and have titles like "Share and take turns." Check them out here,
http://www.amazon.com/Share-Take-Turns-Learning-Along/dp/1575421240/ref=pd_sim_b_4
Hope this helps.
I think working outside the home is great for creating some ease in your own mind about who you are and what you contribute. Go back to work, if you can afford to stay home, with your added salary you should be able to go to work at least part-time.
I would suggest some counseling its not good to yell or lose your temper , I think you should speak to your doctor and get some help.,at least you are aware that there is a problem ,what does your husband say does he help with the children .,take them out to give you a break.
1 Comments
First of all dont beat yourself up and do not listen to crap about not being capable of being a stay at home mom. We all scream at our kids from time to time. What you do need is you time. It's hard not to loose control, being a parent is very demanding straining and just when u think uve given all u got they just keep taking. Relax, don't judge yourself. Try yoga. Go for coffee with friends or a movie alone. Don't be affraid to apologize to your kids when your out of line and mist of all forgive yourself. It's hard to repair and heal and move forward to positive results when your always beating yourself up. Hold your head up high and remember everyday is a new day.
Not everyone is meant to be a "stay at home mom". This does not mean that they are better mothers just as many fathers are not meant to be a "stay at home father". Maybe it is time to go back to work. What does your husband think? And can you afford to work out of the home (with three children you will require a substantial wage to help pay for additional childcare and housework)? For some of us, staying at home with our children is not a wise choice - whether financial or mental or psychological. All the best ...
2 Comments
First of all dont beat yourself up and do not listen to crap about not being capable of being a stay at home mom. We all scream at our kids from time to time. What you do need is you time. It's hard not to loose control, being a parent is very demanding straining and just when u think uve given all u got they just keep taking. Relax, don't judge yourself. Try yoga. Go for coffee with friends or a movie alone. Don't be affraid to apologize to your kids when your out of line and mist of all forgive yourself. It's hard to repair and heal and move forward to positive results when your always beating yourself up. Hold your head up high and remember everyday is a new day.
Sorry for the typos. Hope it's somewhat clear. I know this is an old post but hopefully it will help someone
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